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Will didn’t want to have to relate to the song, but he did. He hated himself for it. He hated that he ever felt that way about both El and Mike, and maybe by acknowledging those feelings he can move on. He hopes so.
With shaking hands he writes in the request.
He gets up and with shaking hands he grabs the microphone and exhales and just focuses on the feeling he wants to let go, because he has to. He has to let go.
He don’t love me no more
He never really thought he would be forgotten in the way he had in the summer of 1985. It was a sobering reality when he had gone from being best friends with Mike Wheeler to just an afterthought to his girlfriend. It felt like such an abrupt change, one minute they were inseparable, the next Mike suddenly was too busy to hang out with him. Will tried to be patient, telling himself it would pass, the novelty of being in a relationship would wear off and Mike and El would start hanging out with them again. But then it didn’t. If anything it got worse. They began making shitty excuses to get out of party activities.
Will tried, he tried and tried, but every attempt leading to failure led him to resentment. He didn’t understand, or more like he did understand. The pain was in the fact that he understood better than anyone, and that’s why he couldn’t stand the fact that he was pushed aside. Because he was jealous. A burning ache in his gut that got worse the more Mike left, a deep hatred that reminded him that he would never have what he wanted.
Because the truth was that ever since he had accepted his feelings toward Mike, nothing had gone right, and they wouldn’t. He needed to move on. He knew these type of feelings would never go away no matter how much he wished they had, but at least he could pray that for Mike he could be normal. If only it was easier.
She don’t know you like me
Perhaps the real reason he couldn’t move one was because of El. Ever since he came back from the upside down, a small part of him felt replaced. It wasn’t El’s fault, more like it was a matter of circumstance. He understands better now than he did back then that El had no choice. It didn’t make him feel any less resentment towards her in the beginning.
He didn’t understand how El could be the center of Mike’s attention when Will had known him longer. When Will had been there. When Will knew Mike inside out. It felt like cheating. She got Mike because she was a girl. She couldn’t know Mike and love him the same way Will would. The truth was, he didn’t think anyone could.
But sometimes, I pray that you fall in love
He could admit to himself that he was selfish. That he was angry, and hurt, and jealous, and thought many things that if anyone ever truly knew how he felt, they would be horrified. Maybe then they would understand why he was taken. Why all the bad things happen to him.
But he wanted to be better. His thoughts when he was hurt didn’t define him. He wanted love to find his family, his friends, even if it didn’t find him. Because he wanted them to be happy. He needed them to be happy. He wanted Mike to be happy. He wanted El to be happy. He could admit now that he wanted them happy together.
He tears me to pieces
Mike Wheeler had a hold on him. He hadn’t ever felt more comfortable with a person. Maybe other than Jonathan. Mike made him feel like himself. Just like Will knew Mike, Mike knew Will. THat’s why his words cut deeper than anyone’s. Mike knew his deepest fears, and when he threw those words back at him, it made him hurt in a way he didn’t ever think he would. Not since he was taken to the Upside Down, not since he was possessed. He thought he knew pain after those incidents, he thought he could handle it, the pain. Turns out he couldn’t.
You know you really made me hate myself
Had to stop before I’d break myself
The fear was familiar to him. It always felt like a cold wet blanket being draped over his frame. A cold, unsettling feeling seeping into his bones. He knew fear like he knew pain. After Mike shattered his world, he realized he wanted that feeling again. The fear. At least then he could ignore the pain, the pain that made him destroy Castle Byers. The pain that made him rip his favorite picture in half. The pain that made him realize that he was never getting his happy ending. The pain that made him acknowledge that he was a burden. The pain that broke him.
When he found out about the move to California, he could admit that a part of him was happy. Happy to move on from the worst memories of his life. Another ached because he would also be leaving his best memories. He needed the move, if only to have some space to think. Even if it hurt. It was the best for him and for Mike.
Please don’t come home to me
Hearing El and Mike’s relationship problems hurt him a lot more than he thought it would. It gave him a sick hope sometimes, but then he would remember the pain. So he helped, because even though it hurt him to help, it hurt him more to see them in pain. He loved them both.
It took a while to become adjusted to El, especially after his bitter feelings. Having her move in with them helped. It helped all those bitter feelings go away, because she deserves to be loved, she deserved it more than anybody. She was his sister, and if Mike was her happy ending he would gladly give it to her. Which is why he needed to move on. He wouldn’t hurt her.
So if meant giving Mike advice when he needed it, to be there, to encourage him to say what he needed to say he would. He would.
He don’t love me no more
He thought he knew pain. He had felt it many times before, yet life found a way to show him he could still hurt.
“I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods.”
Like a knife to the gut.
“And I knew right then and there that I loved you. And I’ve loved you every day since.”
That.. That hurt. To have all his worst thoughts be acknowledged, and worse to have them confirmed? Mike always knew him better than anyone. Always knew how to make him happier than he ever thought he could, but he always knew how to hurt him the worst. It was time, time to admit and know that he didn’t have a place in Mike’s heart anymore.