Chapter Text
Metal against my temple
He tells me I have to pick: choose you, or choose me
The explosion is deafening
And he is the last one standing
He could feel the bright lights in the room intensely burning his eyes, he had this asphyxiating feeling that something was wrong, the little voice inside of his head told him that he wasn't supposed to be here (wherever here was supposed to be.) and for a split second he felt some sort of calmness, that was before he decided to open his eyes and be welcomed by the sight of his brother, staring at him with both confusion and relief washing over his expression.
“You are awake.” his brother muttered “You had us worried, the doctor explained that it is pretty common for trauma patients to briefly wake up from their comatose state just to go back to square one.”
Arisu opened his mouth to ask Hajime what kind of sick joke was he making, when without warning, the memories struck him all at once: the last few weeks where he had to push his feelings aside and do everything in his power to make sure he and his friends survived those deadly games, Chota and Karube sacrificing themselves in order to save Arisu, the guilt, and grief he has been keeping deep down because he had no time to stop and really consider what has he done. The borderlands, as traumatic as the experience was, offered him a sense of false comfort, he had a certain state of mind where he convinced himself that the lack of grieving was just because he needed to be focused for the sake of the group.
But Arisu wasn't supposed to move on, even when both of his friends assured him that it was okay that Arisu was the one who survived, he had to live his life to the fullest because that's what Chota and Karube told him in the hazy dream he had.
Still, he has never been good at letting go.
And now that he is awake somehow, the memories came back just to traumatize him once again; Arisu knew he would spend the rest of his days being haunted by the awful things he did in the borderlands, terrorized by the faces of all those people he couldn't save and unconsciously betrayed, his selfishness hiding beneath all the lies he told himself and the others.
He wondered if the others were alive, and even if they were, would they even remember all that happened in the borderlands?
“I know it might be confusing for you, even uncomfortable. ” his brother stated, looking at him with a stern expression “But I need to ask you if you remember what happened.”
Remember what exactly? The most logical option would be if Arisu remembered that he was in an accident, his heart stopped for a whole minute and his best friends died. Of course, his brother was referring to those events, not the ones that took place in the borderlands.
Because it was impossible even for Arisu to wrap his head around that, it felt like a fever dream.
"Yes." he muttered softly, his throat felt scratchy and he limited himself with the words he pronounced, speaking a full sentence felt draining.
His brother sighed, almost disappointed at Arisu´s short answer. “I'm not going to stand here and pretend I understand what you are going through, because I know I can't even comprehend what you are feeling right now. ” he stopped, considering his next words carefully “But I need you to try, dad needs you to try.”
The room went silent, the only thing that Arisu could hear was the beeping from the machine he was connected to and the muffled voices of people walking through the halls. Arisu knew that at some given point he would have to reintegrate into society and somehow overcome all the trauma that the borderlands gave him, hopefully, he would have the help of those whom he considered his friends.
Oh god, his friends. He had been so distracted by the mental banter that he hadn't stopped for a second and considered if his friends were even alive. Usagi's kind eyes crossed his mind, he would be forever grateful for her selflessness and how she helped him in what Arisu considers one of his lowest points in life. Kuina's smile also made an appearance in his thoughts, he always felt jealousy towards her ability to use her pain as fuel, making her capable of overcoming whatever obstacle that crossed her path. Then Ann's determined gaze made him shiver a little, he admired how she fought to the end, always searching for answers. Jesus, even Chishiya's pretentious smirk infiltrated his mind; Arisu still debated whether the boy was even his acquaintance or not, since the moment he met the dyed-hair man he knew that his cold stare would be the death of him. And in some kind of way, it almost was after Chishiya betrayed him at the beach, but Arisu's dumb heart forgave him a long time ago. It's not like they talked a lot, but it is certainly hard to have an honest conversation while your life is at stake. Now and then they would knowingly share glances with each other, and on one special occasion, they had an entire conversation that, shockingly, did not involve their strategy to beat the games that were left.
“I would kill for an iced coffee.” the shorter man claimed while sitting next to Arisu.
The group was staying in a small apartment near the train station, patiently waiting for the next stage to begin. They had no idea what was awaiting them, and it wasn't like they were excited to know what kind of dreadful games they'd have to survive now, so they decided to keep a low profile and take this time as an opportunity to heal, at least physically. Most nights, Arisu would be haunted by the hallucinations of the ones he had lost, it was almost like a routine for him to wake up in the middle of the night sweating as if he had run a marathon. So instead of, you know, coping with his problems in a healthy way, he opted to stop sleeping and watch the city from the rooftop til he felt his eyes closing slowly, it wasn't until he felt extreme fatigue that he could let his mind rest a little bit.
Most of the time he was lucky enough to be left alone with his thoughts, but tonight was different. He glanced over at Chishiya, who, unsurprisingly, had his usual blank expression.
“Huh? I thought you didn't like coffee.”
Chishiya raised his eyebrows slightly, almost teasing him “And how would you know that, Arisu?”
He felt his heart jump for a split second “I mean, it's just an observation…” he muttered, considering a plausible explanation “When we have breakfast, you never touch the coffee pot or even when we finish an exhausting game, you don't drink a single drop to regain your energy.”
The other man just stared at him, a slight grin appearing at the corner of his lips.
“So it's safe to say that you have been watching me.”
“No!” he exclaimed, feeling the back of his neck suddenly warm “Well yes, but it's not what you think! We are a team after all, so I dunno, what if the reason you don't drink coffee is that you are allergic? I need to be a good teammate and watch over you.”
And the prize for the world's shittiest explanation goes to Arisu Ryouhei!
“So, teammate, what brings you to the rooftop?” he was grateful for Chishiya's ability to subtly change any conversation topic.
He shrugged and reached the hem of his shirt, what is the nicest way to say “Well I kinda have been haunted by the ghosts of those whom I killed but don't worry! I don't have hallucinations anymore, just recurring night terrors and this creeping anxiety. Also, have I mentioned that your hair looks strangely nice? I mean, you probably had better hair days but that doesn't matter to me, I would like to touch your hair but not in a weird way you know. I would caress your hair in a friendly way. Yep.”
Yeah, there was not a normal way to say all that so he opted for the vague version “I'm just thinking about…the real world.”
His teammate stared at him expectantly, waiting for Arisu to give a longer explanation.
“Uhm, I'm just kind of creating my new life plan for when we get back. I don't want to keep wasting my life.”
“Interesting.” Chishiya nodded, the subtle raise in his eyebrows demonstrating interest in what Arisu was saying “And what is this new life plan of yours?”
He chewed his lower lip anxiously, considering if telling Chishiya one of his deepest secrets was the best option (well, not his deepest secret but still, he felt embarrassed) nevertheless, he didn't really care about the consequences of what he was about to do.
“I want to go back to college but study a different area. It's just wishful thinking but I have a feeling that psychology might suit me…” he cleared his throat, feeling the words suddenly heavy “I want to help those who have gone through distressing events, just like us. And if I fail at that, then I'm going to open my coffee shop or something, make a living of my own.”
It was at his last sentence that Chishiya dropped his facade and let out a small chuckle “A doctor and a psychologist huh?”
“What?”
Whatever Chishiya was going to say next was interrupted by Kuina's voice downstairs, the blond man sighed heavily and got off the ground where he was sitting. He walked towards the exit door at a tranquil pace and Arisu was already replaying their whole interaction inside of his head, even if Chishiya barely talked he was grateful that instead of judgment, his eyes were filled with understanding and some sort of warmth.
“You owe me an iced coffee.” Chishiya claimed while stopping at the door “There is no way I'm not going to your grand opening Arisu.”
And with that said, he just left the rooftop. But the fuzzy feeling inside of his chest only kept getting bigger.
His deepest secret is confined by the walls of his lonely heart.
He stared blankly at his brother while the memory replayed inside of his head as if it had been burned into his brain, making it impossible for him to forget any detail. He wanted to get out of this hospital bed and run through the infinite hallways, make sure his friends were safe, and cry his eyes out because, after the hell they went through, they managed to escape. Maybe with a few scratches here and there, but they did it. His hands were itching desperately to have any kind of physical contact, to hug someone and receive the comfort he was craving for a long time; he just needed someone to assure him that everything was going to be just fine.
“Hajime.” he broke the silence between them “I want to go for a walk.”
His brother looked at him with a bewildered expression, as if Ryouhei had grown a third eye during his few minutes of utter silence.
“A walk?! You just woke up from a coma, barely talking to me and giving shitty short answers and you think you are just fine to go for a walk on your own?”
Okay yes, he didn't have the best timing per se. But if he stayed five more minutes inside the white room, he was going to lose his mind. The anxious feeling traveled across his body screaming at him, almost begging him to get out of bed and make sure everyone was doing just fine. He knew that if he explained to Hajime that he wanted to see a bunch of quote-on-quote strangers, he would get an intensive round of questions suffocating him and even consider if Arisu was in the right mental space to be meeting heavily injured people.
“I'll try to get better, try for Dad.” he affirmed, bitterness in his voice “But I need you to trust me and just let me go for a walk.”
His words seemed to have a positive effect on Hajime since he was looking at Ryouhei pondering his options. “Fine. You can go for a walk but! You are staying on this floor, I don't want you wandering around the hospital.”
It was a fair agreement so he didn't complain when his brother called the doctor for a routine check-up, surprisingly for everyone in the room his organs were working just fine but the phantom pain stayed with him in certain places where he'd been injured previously at the borderlands (like his back or the heavy feeling in his legs for jumping around in the game of the queen of spades.) but besides that, everything was in order so even the doctor encouraged his brother to let Arisu take a walk and stretch his sore limbs.
“I'll be back soon, don't follow me.” with that he left the asphyxiating white room.
Arisu was lucky, he didn't have to create a plan to run away from his brother because all the survivors from the meteorite crash were placed together on the same floor (there was a limited amount of people who had survived, so the hospital personnel considered it would be better to keep them all close). He scanned the rooms carefully, and a sense of relief washed over his body when he found Usagi and Kuina in one of the rooms, sleeping peacefully. Arisu asked one of the nurses what the condition of the girls was, claiming that he was a friend from high school and he was deeply worried about them (it sounded like an awful lie but telling the truth wouldn't take him far). Whether he was a good liar or not, the nurse seemed to pity him so she kindly explained that both Usagi and Kuina woke up from their comatose state two weeks ago, right now they were just taking a nap since the recovery therapies were exhausting and took a tool on them. The nurse also informed him about Ann's status, she successfully got out of surgery but she hadn't been able to wake up yet.
He wanted to ask about Aguni's and Akane's status but he felt he was pushing his luck way too much, so he opted to buy himself a drink and listen to the gossip among the personnel, maybe he would be able to find the rest if he kept a low profile and did everything to avoid his brother finding out what Ryouhei has been doing in his so-called walk. He stood in front of the vending machine, scanning over the different sorts of beverages he could buy; he didn't want to drink something as bland as water but it would take some time for his taste buds to get used to the sour taste of energy drinks. His eyes quickly noticed the can of iced coffee and a small smile crept upon his face, he remembered he owed Chishiya a coffee but doubted if he would be able to find him.
“You are blocking the machine.” said a voice he knew too well.
Arisu glanced over his shoulder and smiled when he saw Chishiya's dyed platinum hair, wearing a black cardigan that was almost swallowing him whole. He didn't expect a warm greeting or even a smile but he felt puzzled when he noticed the cold stare the other man was giving him, his arms crossed in what felt like a defensive position.
“Geez Chishiya, I won the queen of hearts game and yet you are still rude towards me,” he said jokingly, hoping the other would say something in gratitude or even an inside comment.
“Am I supposed to know who you are?”
Chishiya stared at him with boredom filling every inch of his expression and Arisu felt his stomach drop, it had to be some kind of cruel joke that the other man doesn't remember him. Does not remember anything they went through, even their late night talk on the rooftop. He wanted to shake Chishiya by his shoulders, scream at him for being a sarcastic idiot, and tell him to drop the act, it wasn't funny. But maybe, the possibility that the shorter man had just woken up was there, and maybe he was still regaining his memories from everything that happened at the borderlands.
“It's me, Arisu.”
He stared into Chishiya´s eyes almost pleadingly, he had a nasty taste in his mouth and all he wanted to do was scream.
“Arisu.” he muttered, “I have no idea who you are, but it was an interesting experience meeting you.”
And with that said, Chishiya disappeared into the halls. Leaving Arisu and his heart shattered into pieces.