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Dick grits his teeth. He knows he can face this horror. He's done death defying stunts as a Flying Grayson for as long as he could remember. He's gone head to head with Scarecrow, Two Face, the Joker, all of Gotham’s rogues. He can handle this. He is Robin.
“Come on, Artemis!” Dick’s supposed best friend Wally whines. “You have to answer! Fuck, Marry, Kill: Summer Gleason, Bruce Wayne, and Paul Sloane.”
Dick is going to kill Wally. He can’t even glare at Wally like he wants to; Bruce would kill him if he gave away their secret identities. He can do this. He just has to stay whelmed. Breathe, Robin. Don’t glare. Keep your face neutral. Compartmentalize, isn’t that what Batman always says? Do Batman’s box thing. Just picture a box. Put that evil red headed traitor in the box. Cover his stupid traitor face with the lid. Hammer the nails in the lid. Laugh maniacally like a super villain because you just trapped Wallace West in a box for all eternity for being a traitor. … This is not working. This exercise is dumb. Batman clearly never had to deal with the menace that is Wally West. Dick can’t believe his best friend thinks this is a fitting punishment for eating the last cookie. This is cruel and unusual torture. This may even be a war crime! He'll have to ask Alfred when he gets home.
He looks around the common room at the rest of The Team, hoping someone, anyone else, would help him stop this before it really begins. Dick very quickly realizes there will be no help at all; M’gann looks like she’s about to fall off her seat, she’s so eager, and Connor, Kaldur, and Zatanna don’t exactly look opposed. Kaldur even looks like he’s thinking seriously about this! He is making the same face he does when they’re planning missions.
“I think,” Artemis begins, then leans back in her armchair. She pauses, raises her hand to tap on her chin and hums. She nods to herself and announces her thoughts to the group, “I’ll start with the easy one. Kill Summer Gleason, her reporting is extremely biased half the time.” Artemis rolls her eyes, then settles back into that same thinking position, “I just can’t decide if I want to marry Bruce Wayne for his money or, you know,” she wiggles her eyebrows, “have my way with him. That man is sculpted.”
Dick is in hell. Why does his adoptive father have to be so jacked??? Because he’s Batman, obviously, but that’s besides the point! Didn’t Bruce realize this would happen? Can’t he wear baggy clothes or something to keep Dick from this nightmare? Maybe he'll enlist Alfred’s help with that after this, too. First get answers about what constitutes a war crime, then get Bruce an entirely new wardrobe full of the most unflattering clothes imaginable. Alfred is an expert in everything, he'll be able to help. Though, Alfred is the one who currently buys all of Bruce’s clothes, which directly resulted in the psychic damage Artemis just inflicted with that eyebrow wiggle about his... Bruce.
Maybe ignoring them would be best. Robin pulls up the computer interface on his gauntlet. He can work on decrypting the last file they picked up at Riddler’s last hideout after busting him; that would surely be a worthy distraction. Just gotta focus.
Dick is working on the Riddler file, so he absolutely, positively does not see Artemis sit up excitedly and smile as she says, “I would fuck Bruce Wayne and marry Paul Sloane. Sure, Bruce is richer than God, but Paul was a big TV star! It would be cool to live that Hollywood lifestyle. Plus I’m pretty sure Bruce has, like, a nine pack.”
Nooooo whhhyyyyyy. Is it possible to get unadopted? Or maybe he should just quit The Team. Give up the whole hero thing. He could run away and join the circus! Unlike most kids who think of doing that, it’s actually a viable option for Dick! Anything to never have one of his friends say they want to fuck his adoptive father.
“My turn!” M’gann all but shouts. “Fuck Paul, marry Bruce, kill Summer.”
You’re Robin, Dick reminds himself. You are Robin, and you are decrypting this Riddler file. You are not reacting. You are not wondering if it is better or worse that M’gann wants to marry Bruce. Dick holds in a sigh. At least she didn’t wiggle her eyebrows.
“Really?” Artemis asks as she cocks an eyebrow at M’gann. “I had you pegged for marrying Paul for sure.”
“Why would I want to marry a fake Connor when I have a better one right here?” M’gann smiles brightly and gives Connor’s hand a squeeze from where she sits next to him on the couch. The smile Connor gives her is a small shy thing, but it is full of just as much love as M’gann’s.
“Yeah, but in the game you’re marrying Bruce Wayne,” Artemis points out. “You aren’t with this Connor anymore.”
M’gann just smirks. “Unlike you, I am marrying him for his money. And then leaving him for Connor,” M’gann says as Connor leans in to kiss her cheek.
M’gann, you are the best, the only worthwhile friend. Marrying Bruce for his money is a noble cause. Dick frowns. Ok, no, that’s not true, if someone actually tried to marry Bruce for his money, they would have to answer to Robin. And Robin knows how to get rid of bad guys. M’gann would flee from the Manor screaming.
“Boo, not the point,” Wally shouts, tossing a pillow at M’gann that she lets phase through her. “Divorce isn’t supposed to play into it. Besides, I’m sure Bruce Wayne would make you sign, like, ten prenups.”
“I’m not sure,” Artemis cuts in. When everyone (besides Dick, Robin is decrypting a file and not paying attention at all) shifts their attention to her, she just shrugs. “The guy seems like a bit of an airhead every time he appears at any events in Gotham. He may be gullible enough to just let someone marry him without any agreement about his money.”
Greeeeaaattt. Now they’re bringing Brucie into it. This is perfect. It’s bad enough being around Bruce when he turns his himbo dial up to eleven – now he has to listen to his friends talk about it? Besides, of course, Bruce would make arrangements for his money ahead of time. Not to mention the whole Operation Stay Away From My Family that Robin definitely has thoroughly thought out, and did not come up with seconds ago to keep away anyone trying to marry Bruce for his money. Besides, even Brucie is known for being good with his money. He’s only improved business for Wayne Enterprises. Not to mention he has other people he has to worry about and would never let Dick or Alfred be left wanting. Wait, Dick wasn’t listening. Wally and M’gann definitely said more about Brucie and his money. Robin is supposed to have better situational awareness than this. Batman would be disappointed. Even if this whole situation is Bruce’s fault. That’s not helping. Shut up, internal monologue.
“I don’t know, doesn’t he have a kid to worry about?” Zatanna chimes in, looking concerned. “He might sign a prenup so it doesn’t affect him.”
Thank you, Zatanna. She’s clearly Dick’s only true friend on this entire team.
Then Zatanna’s furrowed brow and slight frown switches to a smirk, “Besides, I would definitely fuck him.”
ABORT ABORT. ZATANNA IS NO LONGER A FRIEND. DICK HAS NO FRIENDS.
“Seriously, have you seen the lines of him in a suit? Artemis has it right. He’s one studly hunk of meat.” Zatanna ends her statement by high fiving Artemis. How is this the person Dick has a crush on??? How could she say this?? Could he really date someone he knows is lusting after his dad??? Err, adoptive father figure person... Bruce. Could he really date someone he knows is lusting after Bruce? This may be the worst answer yet. One crisis at a time. His friends are saying terrible things about his adoptive dad. Dick is pretty sure his expression definitely slipped at that one and he schools it back to neutral. You’ve got this, Robin. That slip won’t give away their secret identities, but might give away his crush on Zatanna. Crushes can wait for later. Stay traught, Robin.
“I think I would marry Summer for the drama and kill Paul.” Zatanna pauses, wincing slightly before looking towards where M’gann and Connor are on the couch. She quickly adds, “No offense.”
“None taken?” Connor asks more than states, trying not to look confused. Then Connor looks at M’gann, and Dick would bet the last cookie (which apparently is more coveted than Dick previously believed) that he’s asking telepathically for clarification and whether he should be offended.
“I think I would like to go next,” Kaldur says from where he’s sitting on the floor. Keeping his usual calm, serious manner, he continues, “Summer Gleason is a very beautiful woman, but I would not wish to spend much time with her. I would fuck Summer Gleason. Paul Sloane seems like a nice enough man, but I would not want to put up with the drama that comes with Hollywood, so I, too, will be killing him. Bruce Wayne seems like he would cherish and pamper a partner, so I will marry him.”
Alright, Dick has to admit, that wasn’t that bad. And surprisingly well thought out? But that’s not so surprising coming from Kaldur. He clearly had his mission face on for a reason. It’s maybe even kinda sweet? Although, then Kaldur would be his step-father and mmmaaayybe that file needs more work, clearly he’s taking this hypothetical too far. He is Robin and he is decrypting a Riddler file and not participating in this event.
“Besides, then I would get to see his nine pack every day,” Kaldur finishes, keeping his face as stoic as ever. The girls and Wally start to laugh, causing Kaldur to drop his poker face. He smiles. He looks smug, clearly pleased with his joke landing.
Whyyyy Kaldur?!?!? WHY? Why couldn’t Bruce be less famous? If Bruce had been a doctor or a janitor, Dick would never have to deal with his friends playing Fuck, Marry, Kill with his dad as an option! And to make matters worse, Dick can’t even get revenge on Wally! He could suggest the same game using Wally’s Aunt Iris, but noooooo everyone knows that’s his aunt and would think it’s mean! Despite the torture they are currently putting Dick through! Wally really is an evil mastermind.
“I guess that means it’s my turn now?” Connor says, sitting up straighter on the couch without dropping M’gann’s hand. “I’ve been thinking about it and I think I would fuck Paul Sloane because how often do you get to have sex with your namesake? I would marry Summer because I really think I could change her, make her see how harmful some of her views are. And I guess kill Bruce Wayne.” He shrugs as he finishes.
DICK’S FRIENDSHIP WITH WALLY HAS ENDED. NOW CONNOR IS HIS BEST FRIEND. Wait, but then that means his best friend is going to kill his dad and he would be losing another parent. That is. Not a fun thought. Alright, Dick, let’s focus back on what is really important. Wally. Is. Evil. This game really has no correct answers, Dick is either sad or psychically damaged no matter what the answer is. Right, Dick is decrypting a file, that’s what is really important.
The focus of nearly everyone in the room shifts to Wally. Oh no. Dick drops all pretense of the file. Now he’s going to have to listen to Wally’s answers. Wally, who knows full well who Bruce Wayne is. Wally, who is an evil mastermind. Wally, who knows exactly what he’s doing. This is the furthest from astrous possible.
“I would,” Wally begins and then pauses dramatically to look around the group. He waits for the attention to settle even more on him before continuing, “I would definitely marry Paul.” He pauses again and waits until Dick looks at him. Once Dick makes eye contact, Wally West, the biggest jerk on the planet, continues, “I would fuck Bruce Wayne.” JERK JERK JERK. WAIT. OH NO. THE REST OF THE TEAM IS GOING TO EXPECT DICK TO ANSWER WHEN WALLY FINISHES. OHHH NOOO OH NO OH NO NO NO NO OH NO OH NO. Breathe, Robin. Breathe. Think, Dick, you’re Robin, you’re stuck in a terrible situation and you need an extraction. You just need an opening. Luckily, Wally pauses again for more dramatic effect, making a show of his answers. Robin seizes the opportunity.
Before Wally finishes saying he would kill Summer Gleason, Robin happily escapes into the vents and away from this conversation. As Dick crawls towards the main room with the Zeta Tubes he goes over all the strategies he is going to use the second he gets home to try once again to convince Bruce they should share their identities with their teams. And maybe have a discussion about where he stands on prenups and baggy sweats.