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The sunlight reflected against the water, and Louis squinted into the gentle ripples, watching as their movement synced with the music that was playing through his headphones. It was a playlist that Harry had made for him, and if Louis closed his eyes he could almost imagine Harry there beside him. The warmth and weight of his arm next to Louis’ as they leaned against the bridge over this canal. His smell, always a mix of tea and cologne and warm spice, mixing with the salty tang of the water below. His laugh, his skin, the way the sunlight would glint against the waves of his hair.
Imagining Harry there only made his absence more palpable. Louis shut off the music and pulled his earbuds out, turning away from the water to watch the people passing by instead. He could always call, but Harry would be at work. And they’d planned to talk later that night anyway, really, so what good would an earlier call be?
Louis’ phone buzzed in his pocket and he answered without even checking to see who the call was from. He was just so certain it’d be Harry. “Hey love,” he said, smiling at the thought of Harry stepping away from whatever he’d been doing to make a call at just the right moment.
“Hey yourself, love,” Lottie said, her voice so not Harry’s that it made Louis’ face scrunch with annoyance for a moment before he could let himself appreciate that he’d actually been expecting a call from his sister.
“Sorry, sorry, didn’t check who was calling and thought you were Harry. How’d it go? Should I meet you at the cafe we were at yesterday?” Louis started walking in the direction he’d been heading before he’d stopped to watch the boats going by.
“Oh, Louis,” Lottie sighed. “We’ve only been here for three days. Can you make it three more without him, or should I see if I can get one more flight out of these people so he can spend the last part of the trip with you?” She was only teasing, but part of Louis wished that Harry could come out for a day or two. He huffed out a laugh.
“Shut it, Lots. Are we meeting at the cafe or not?” Louis watched up ahead as someone lanky with a head of brown curls lifted up a toddler, putting the child on their shoulders and pointing toward one of the boats out on the water. He looked away quickly.
“I won’t be able to make it there til closer to 3, so you’ve got time with whatever you were doing. They want to take both of us out to dinner tonight if you don’t think you’ll be too bored with business talk. Wherever we go it’ll be posh. Loads better than whatever we’d scrounge on our own.” Louis could hear someone talking to Lottie, but couldn’t understand what they were saying. He waited til they were finished to give her an answer.
“Course I’ll come tonight. Got a phone date with Harry at 9, but we’ll be out by then, yeah?” Louis waited as a bicycle tour group passed by slowly in front of him, thinking back to the early days of his friendship with Harry, the two of them biking in leisurely circles through the neighborhood and then racing one another downhill. They’d bike here, probably, though neither of them had cycled since they were 15 or so. Louis realized suddenly that he’d entirely missed what Lottie had said.
“Say again? Zoned out for a bit.”
Lottie chuckled. “Yeah you did. Said you could easily be done by 9, but they may want me to stay out later than that. I’ll try to beg off if you want me to.”
“No, ‘salright. We’ll get the last two days to have fun together, once you’re done with all your business,” Louis teased. “I’ll manage on me own tonight after dinner.”
“So cafe at 3, dinner at half 6, and then you’re off to be an utter sap with Haz by half 8 or so. Sound about right?” Lottie’s tone shifted, and Louis figured she was stepping back into a meeting and needed to go.
“Perfect. Go win at business or whatever it is you’re doing here,” Louis said, smiling fondly.
They rung off and Louis kept wandering, realizing he had a few hours to kill. Once again he thought about calling Harry, but resisted. The timing just wasn’t right.
*
Lottie knocked on Louis’ door early Saturday morning, hardly waiting for his mumbled “come in,” before opening the door with a mug of tea for each of them and sitting on the side of his bed to discuss their plans for the day.
“Alright, I was thinking after breakfast we’d visit a museum-- the Van Gogh museum’s nice, from what I’ve heard --and then have a bit of lunch, maybe do some shopping nearby? Dior and Gucci are practically next to each other on P.C. Hoofstraat. And later tonight, if you’re up for it I thought we could go out? It’ll be like when we were younger, the Teasin’ Tommos wreckin’ the dance floor.”
Louis took a sip of tea and gave as close as he could get to a noise of approval while trying to pull the blankets tighter around him. It was too early for making plans, and he still hadn’t gotten used to the bed where they were staying. It was too soft and there weren’t enough blankets, and it had entirely too much empty space without Harry sleeping next to him.
“Budge over,” Lottie said, pushing at Louis’ side. He made room, and she laid down next to him, fluffing up a pillow and turning on her side to face him. “I’m just going to ask, and I hope you won’t kill me, but-- there’s nothing wrong between you and Harry is there?”
“Wrong?” Louis asked. “I’m not going to kill you, but I might make fun of you.” He laughed at the thought, shaking his head. “Don’t know why you’d even ask that.”
“You’ve barely stopped talking about him or to him this entire trip. And I just told you about the amazing day I’ve planned for us only for you to respond by burrowing deeper into your blanket pile!” She poked him in the side, where she knew he was ticklish, and Louis flinched, holding in a yelp.
“Oi, if you start a tickle fight I’ll win. Don’t try it,” he said, poking her in the shoulder as a warning. “And anyway, I miss him. This just feels like the sort of place he’d love, and I keep wishing I could share all these moments with him.”
Lottie sighed, resting her head on Louis’ shoulder. “That’s utterly disgusting and I absolutely love it,” she said. “But now that I know there’s nothing wrong, I’m showing no mercy. You’re getting up and showering and I’m treating you to a massive breakfast and an entire day of my company.”
“Cruelty!” Louis cried dramatically. Lottie laughed and shook her head fondly as she got out of the bed.
“Just get ready, you twat. I’ve worked hard all week and we’re going to have loads of fun to make up for it.” She leaned down and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
As she was leaving, Louis tossed a pillow at her back. “Thanks, Lots. The trip’s been sick and I’m glad we’re spending the next couple of days together. Two times the Tommos tonight, yeah?”
Lottie smiled at him, lifting her mug of tea. “You know it.” A few minutes later when Louis’ facebook scrolling was interrupted by a message from her that read, “get off your bloody phone and get ready! Or else!” he laughed and rolled out of bed, ready to spend the day enjoying Amsterdam with his sister.
The problem was that everything in the city still felt incomplete without Harry by his side. Though Louis made it through breakfast with little trouble, by the time they’d walked to the museum, he’d caught himself mentioning the things that Harry would’ve liked, keeping a mental list of moments to share when he could. He knew Lottie really didn’t mind, but it still seemed unfair to not actually give her his attention, so he tried to reign himself in.
It was the museum that broke him. The floor was crowded with people, couple after couple holding one another close as they took in the paintings and families laughing and smiling together as they tried to shove in closer to the art. As Louis pressed through the crowd for a closer look of his own at Van Gogh’s drawings and writings and paintings, he felt a tug of intimacy from each one; it was as if he could see Harry in so many words and details. When he came to “Sunflowers,” he pulled out his phone and snapped a picture, sending it to Harry. “Saw this and felt like I was seeing you,” he wrote, the vibrant colors reminding him of the way being with Harry made him feel.
Harry’s response came through almost immediately. “You think I’m a flower?” It was followed by a string of flower emojis and a few pink, sparkly hearts.
“Of course baby,” he wrote back, grinning. “A whole vase of them.” Lottie poked his cheek, and Louis looked up, surprised that she’d spotted him in the crowd.
“Think I can absorb some of your excess happiness and love vibes this way?” she asked. Louis rolled his eyes and Lottie stuck out her tongue at him, and for a moment it felt like they were kids again. Louis put his arm around her shoulder.
“Wanna see if we can convince someone to believe something ridiculous about one of the paintings on the next floor?” he asked. Lottie nodded, giggling, and Louis tugged her along, shoving his phone in his pocket and willing himself to forget about Harry for a while.
They spent longer in the museum fighting the crowds than Louis realized, and by the time they stopped for lunch he was pretty sure he wouldn’t make it through a shopping trip with Lottie and still be able to really show up for the club later. He said as much when they were finishing up the last bites of the apple tart they were sharing for dessert.
“Can’t say I’m surprised,” she said, smiling back at him as she sipped her tea. “You’ve become my old- er brother.” At that, Louis kicked her under the table-- not hard, but enough that she shook her head at him and pursed her lips. “If I have to choose between shopping and the club, I’d choose going to the club with you any day. And I don’t mind shopping on my own. Maybe I can call it market research and expense something,” she joked. “Though if you wanted, you could walk me over there. It’s only a few minutes’ walk, and we might find a shop along the way. Maybe you’ll find another little gift for Harry.”
Louis looked down at the bag from the Van Gogh museum gift shop, which held a few things he’d gotten for Harry as well as for his younger siblings. He hadn’t done much shopping, really, mostly choosing to wander around and take in the sights while he’d been on his own during the week. “Couldn’t hurt, actually. Let’s go, yeah?”
They didn’t walk far before coming to a shop that caught Lottie’s eye. A short, shiny vintage 80s dress hung in the window, and Lottie tugged at Louis’ arm, pulling him through the door, so he followed her willingly. He didn’t expect to find anything for the youngest twins or for Harry, but he began looking around anyway, hoping something might catch his eye. He was excited when something did. It was the absolute perfect thing for Harry, the thing he’d been hoping to find without even realizing it, and he was waving a shop worker over immediately, pulling out his credit card without a thought.
He’d paid and was waiting for the woman to box up the gift when Lottie snuck up behind him. “What’ve you gotten up to? The dress had all my attention for a mo’; didn’t mean to abandon you.” She gasped, and Louis turned to her, about to respond when she put a hand on his shoulder and stopped him. “That’s absolutely perfect for him. Really, it’s Harry all over, Louis.”
He could barely contain his fond smile. Knowing that Lottie had immediately agreed with him made him feel all the more confident in his purchase.
*
Lottie arranged a car to take both her and Louis home from the airport, and she stepped out to give him a proper goodbye when they pulled up to his house. “Hope you had fun,” she said, squeezing him tightly. “It was so good having you around all week, you’ve no idea.”
“I’m glad you brought me along. Definitely going back to Amsterdam sometime. Can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get out there.” Louis pulled away and picked up his bag, absentmindedly checking his pocket with his free hand. “Better get inside, Harry’s made dinner.”
“Mmhmm,” Lottie nodded, a knowing smile on her face. Louis rolled his eyes and hoisted his duffle onto his shoulder. “I’d better hear from you soon,” she said as he turned away and headed inside.
“Don’t worry, love, you will,” Louis said over his shoulder. He watched as the car pulled away, then hurried to get inside. It felt like ages since he’d seen Harry.
Though Louis hadn’t texted, Harry was waiting to greet him, opening the door when he heard the rattle of Louis’ keys moving toward the lock. The flat smelled of chicken and mash, and Louis smiled, realizing that Harry must’ve made Louis’ favorite meal to celebrate his return.
It couldn’t really be possible, but it seemed to Louis as though Harry had gotten even more lovely while they’d been apart. He was dressed in a cozy jumper that was several sizes too large, the rolled cuffs still long enough that they almost covered his hands, and a pair of grey joggers that were soft and faded. When he opened his arms, Louis wrapped himself up in the embrace, letting Harry’s warmth and familiar smell surround him as Harry did the same with him, the two of them not wanting to move from their spot in the doorway until they’d really savored coming back together.
Louis felt a twinge of the longing he’d felt in Amsterdam-- that need to have Harry close, to always have his heart alongside Louis’ own --but Harry pulled away just as it was building and Louis felt his certainty retreat along with him.
“Perfect timing, baby,” Harry said, giving Louis a kiss on the forehead. “Dinner just finished and everything’s hot.”
“Including you,” Louis said, giving Harry’s bum a playful smack as Louis followed him into the kitchen. Harry turned to him and winked.
“Later! For now, we feast,” Harry said, opening the oven and pulling out the chicken. “Sit down, I’m serving it tonight.”
Louis thought about making another joke, but hesitated. All he wanted to do was pull Harry close, kiss him, tell him how much he’d missed having Harry with him. But none of it felt quite right. Louis sat down at the bar, watching as Harry plated their food and hummed to himself.
“Alright, I need to hear everything about Amsterdam. Did you make it to Begijnhof? Were you able to do one of the canal tours?” Harry asked once they’d started eating. “I hope you took photos; I haven’t been there in years.”
“We talked every day, love,” Louis said, reaching out to touch Harry’s arm. “Must’ve told you half of it already.”
“Hardly! Every time we got on the phone, you’d ask me how things were going here, what Niall was up to or how Liam and Zayn’s flat hunting was going. One night we spent half an hour talking about the blueberry honey loaf I was testing out for the cafe.” Louis looked back at Harry incredulously, waiting to see if he had more to say. “You talked a bit about what you were doing, but a lot of that was telling me how well things were going for Lottie or a funny story from one of her business dinners. Feels like I missed all of it, babe,” Harry said, face scrunching into a frown that made Louis reach out to squeeze his hand.
“Oh love, ‘m sorry. Never meant to make you feel left out. If anything it was like you were there with me. Or like all I wanted was you there with me.”
“What d’you mean? You missed me?” Harry asked, gazing back at Louis with the fond, careful smile that he sometimes got when he didn’t want to show his hand entirely.
“More than,” Louis said, stroking Harry’s arm. “I did take one of those canal tours. They have one where they offer you music to listen to as you cruise along, and some of it was so bad. I kept thinking of the faces you’d make at the songs that were playing, you looking back at me and the two of us having a laugh. Had to take the headphones off halfway through, thought I’d listen to the guide, but turns out I’d gotten on the wrong boat. She was speaking French, and I barely caught anythin’ she had to say about the canals.”
Harry laughed, resting his chin in one hand as he grazed Louis’ wrist lightly with the fingers of the other. “What else? Begijnhof?”
“I was right in the middle of the garden when Lottie called me. My ringer was on top volume, and it scared the shit outta me. Dropped me phone as it was going off and I thought they were gonna kick me out,” Louis said, laughing to himself at the memory. “So I didn’t get to spend as much time there as you’d have wanted to. But I could see why you wanted me to go there. It was so old and quiet. Thought about walking through it holding hands, maybe the two of us seeing who could make the other be too loud.”
“All of it made me think of you, Haz. Made me want you with me. Made me feel like you were almost there alongside me. Something was just-- missing.” Louis took a deep breath as he reached into his pocket, palming the box that was there. He gripped it tightly, keeping it under his hand even as he set it on the table, his eyes fixed on the spot where his other hand met Harry’s.
“For as long as I’ve known you, even before we were together like this, being with you felt like something special. Anythin’ we did together was better, somehow. Just, more.” Louis paused, looking up into Harry’s eyes. He was staring back at Louis intently, as if he didn’t entirely believe what was happening.
“You’ve always been the place where my heart felt most at home, Harry. Where I felt most at home. And I don’t want to lose that feeling. Don’t want to lose you. Or--not lose you, but. Don’t want to think about spending another day without you being mine and me being yours.” Louis slid the box toward Harry and slowly lifted his hand from it. “I got you this in Amsterdam. Open it?”
Carefully, Harry slid the box closer toward himself and opened it to reveal a smaller velvet covered jewelry box inside. He pulled it out and lifted the lid, his eyes darting from the ring inside to Louis’ face and back again. “Lou?” Harry asked, his voice thicker than usual.
Louis closed his eyes for a moment, the feeling that Harry might reject him, might not feel the way he did, suddenly rising up inside of him. He was the boy lying under the stars with his best friend, the scared young man who chose love over fear, and the lonely man staring out over the canals. He opened his eyes and looked at Harry, the breath catching in his throat for a moment. “Harry, will you marry me?
“Yes, yes, absolutely yes,” Harry said, standing so quickly that he knocked his chair over in the process. He had Louis in his arms seconds later, their mouths joined in a kiss that was messy and passionate, as they held one another tight. When they finally broke apart, Harry breathed a final “yes” against Louis’ mouth, a giddy laugh following quickly behind it.
“It’s not too soon?” Louis asked, still holding Harry close in his arms. “I don’t want--”
“Not possible,” Harry said, pulling back to look Louis in the eyes. “Prob’ly would’ve said yes six months in. I’ve loved you for so long, Lou. I have when we were young and I will when we’re old. ‘S just you, for me.”
Louis brushed a tear off Harry’s cheek and then reached behind Harry for the ring box. “Want to put it on you,” he said sheepishly. Harry held out his hand and let Louis slide the ring on as they looked into each other’s eyes.
“S’really perfect,” Harry said, nosing against Louis’ neck, his teeth just grazing the tender spot below Louis’ ear. “You’re really perfect.”
“This is,” Louis said, wrapping his arms around Harry and basking in his warmth. “But it’s because of you, Hazza. Always you.”