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Today was the day.
It had been my turn to pick the month's big weekend activity. Usually, I skipped my turn and let Jane or Alexa pick today, but today was different. Today was the day.
When I told Jane and Alexa that I picked, they were surprised. They said they also had something planned. I asked if they forgot it was my turn. They said no, but I never picked stuff. But I said I always told them if I was passing on my turn to pick and I hadn't this month. I said my thing was time sensitive too, so I couldn't just reschedule it. Alexa and Jane had looked at one another and then said that they could do what they were planning too, regardless of what I had lined up.
It made my heart skip a beat. Were they planning the same thing I was? It kind of seemed like they were. God, it would be so romantic if it was that. I almost took out the jewelry store box and got on one knee right then.
I had to be patient. I had this all planned out. I'd pictured how I wanted this to go since I'd been a kid. I was so glad that Jane and Alexa didn't have any dreams of how they wanted their proposals to go. Every single time I asked in the past, they said they didn't care. They handed me a dream of mine without knowing it.
They didn't have any preferences for how their wedding would go, either. When I asked them that, it had been so hard not to say 'our.' I made it so obvious why I was asking. And I knew they knew. They smiled at me and told me that they'd do whatever their partner planned out.
But I didn't leave it at that. I didn't want to be one of those people who proposed without being sure, so I'd asked them if they wanted to get married, casually, once a month for the past three months. They'd both said yes every time. It hadn't been an enthusiastic yes, but I'd asked after they'd gotten home from work or a night out, so I could understand. I was sure they'd have enthusiasm when I finally did it.
I told them to dress nicely. They asked why. I told them it was a secret they were going to like. I was bringing them to Mama Bears, a restaurant both of them had mentioned wanting to try over and over again. The only reason we hadn't gone yet was it was a bit out of the way and it was really hard to get a reservation. I also told them to pack hiking shoes and a change of clothes if they wanted it, though I secretly hoped neither of them changed. They always looked stunning in whatever dresses they chose to wear and I would've loved to get a picture of all three of us on the overlook of Gem Falls dressed to the nines.
They looked nervous after their instructions. Almost like they were going to say no. I asked them what was wrong. They told me it just sounded like a lot. That we could go somewhere simple. I shook my head. I joked and told them they weren't going to get away from my love. Neither of them laughed. They looked guilty instead.
But they didn't say no. They left to get ready. I took a minute to compose myself before I did the same. Maybe that hadn't been guilt I'd seen. I had never been more nervous in my life and that could've had me seeing things. I was sure they would say yes, but I wanted everything to go according to plan. For today to be one of the most memorable the three of us had.
We left right on time. For some reason, both of them sat in the back. It was hard to talk to them like that, so I sang poorly to my music as I drove them an hour North, to where the mountains in our state started and where the restaurant was. They didn't sing with me, which was weird, but sometimes they weren't in the mood. They caught on to where we going about 20 minutes in. Jane asked if we were going to Mama Bears. I glanced in the mirror to look at her face. There was no joy.
She looked stricken.
I was so confused. I asked, Is Mama Bear's okay? I mean, reservations were really hard to get, but it wasn't like they're impossible to get again. The whole point of going there is because I thought it would make y'all happy, but if you don't want to we can totally go somewhere else. It's really fine.
They were both silent for a long few seconds. I almost pulled over.
But then Alexa said that, no, it was super thoughtful of me and we were already on the way, so we could still go.
She said it all like she was agreeing to a daytrip her overbearing parents wanted to take her on. I was like, did I fuck this all up already? This was not the start to this that I had imagined. No one but me was singing and no one but me seemed happy. I wracked my brain, trying to think of anything bad that had happened lately. I came up blank. Jane and Alexa hadn't told me anything either. We all had promised one another that we'd always tell one another if something was wrong. They'd never broken that promise.
I had to be the one being weird. I got myself all worked up over this trip and now I was freaking out because it wasn't going exactly how I pictured it. It was unfair. Life wasn't a fantasy. I had to let it play out how it was going to play out. The outline was there. That was what mattered.
We pulled up to Mama Bear's. I thought we looked stunning. I took Alexa's and Jane's arms and proudly marched us inside. They both seemed embarrassed, but I didn't have it in me to be bashful. These were my future wives! It was my right to be embarrassing about them.
The host found my reservation and brought us to a table. Alexa and Jane sat next to one another. I really wished all three of us could sit on the same side of the table, but it wasn't big enough. I would've asked to be moved, but there literally wasn't a single other open table open.
I said, So, what do you think we're doing after this?
Alexa said, I don't know, some hiking thing?
Jane said, Yeah, something like that. I hope it's not too far. It's kind of late.
I said, Nah, it's not too far. Y'all will love it. But we can have to leave here by 8 at the latest.
Alexa asked, Why?
And I said, It's a surprise!
Alexa and Jane traded a look. Something passed between them that I didn't understand. It made me jealous. It always had. But that was unfair. We all had unique and special relationships. It wouldn't be right for Alexa to be jealous of my relationship with Jane. We were all together and in love in the end.
The waiter came around. We ordered food and I said, Hey, y'all are really quiet, is everything okay?
And Jane said, Yeah, just kind of tired.
Alexa said, I wasn't ready for Mama Bear's is all.
They traded another look. I forced myself to take a long drink of water.
Our food came. It was awesome. Every bite was heaven. The wait had been worth it. Jane and Alexa only picked at their food, like they were faced with one of my dinner experiments gone wrong.
I said, Hey, is your food okay?
They said they weren't all that hungry, but the food was great.
I was kind of mad about that. We had eaten lunch together and it hadn't been anything heavy. Yeah, they could box it up and take it, but $100 steak and potatoes were going to be way less satisfying microwaved. I took a deep breath. I had to be rational.
Nerves could make you not want to eat and that was something that they were both prone to. They hadn't dropped their surprise on me yet, but I was sure it was going to be a proposal. There was something big they were holding back and what was bigger than a proposal? It was kind of sweet that they were nervous about that, honestly.
The waiter came. I was about to ask for one check, but Alexa jumped in and said that she and Jane would be paying for me and that could we get two boxes, please?
I said, Jane, c'mon, let me do this.
And Alexa said, Trust us, we have this. You got the reservation.
I said, Please, let me?
And Jane said, No, it has to do with our surprise.
Alexa raised her eyebrows at Jane. Guess that part wasn't planned. Our waiter looked confused. I was unhappy about it, but I told him they could pay. He went off to do it. The table got quiet.
What I wanted to say was, hey, I know I make half as much as y'all do and I didn't go to college, and managing a liquor store isn't that glamorous, but I'm not broke, okay? But that would've started an argument about money. Those arguments were always the worst. I didn't want to argue on a night as special as this.
The waiter came back. Jane and Alexa paid. They boxed up their food and we were gone, right on time. We reached Gem Falls as the sun was starting to set. It would take 15 minutes to get to the overlook. By then the sky would be beautiful When it was like that, I'd propose.
Jane and Alexa were apprehensive about the whole going to an overlook kind of close to dark. I showed them a big flashlight I had and water bottles I brought. That convinced them. They put on their hiking shoes without changing into any else.
Fuck yeah.
We hiked to the top. The forest around the falls we so green. Gem falls was a small waterfall, but it was still popular among locals. We ran into a few people on the way up. There were also a few people at the overlook, but they were all sitting quietly on benches, admiring the view. And what a view it was! A sea of green hills that grew into mountains rolled off into the distance. The sun was low in the sky, turning the clouds pastel pinks and reds and casting everything in soft orange light. It was more perfect than I could've imagined it. I had to do it now.
I turned. Jane and Alexa were holding hands. They had to know it was coming. I got down to one knee. All the people on the overlook turned to look at me. I saw them smile. I smiled too. I was on the verge of tears, but I was going to get through this without them. I could cry when they said yes. I got the jewelry box out of my pants pocket. Alexa and Jane looked grave. There were no smiles.
I told myself they were going to smile soon.
I opened the box. There were two beautiful, thousand-dollar gold bracelets in it. Mine was under the soft white stuff in the box, because I wanted us all to match. They were thin, but in the exact style the two of them loved. They said they hated rings. I hated rings too. We honestly were a perfect match.
I said, Alexa, Jane, I love y'all so much. Would y'all marry me?
I waited for my yes. Jane and Alexa traded a forlorn look. The moment they were supposed to jump up and down and scream 'yes' had long since passed. It was really awkward now. I wanted to be like like, hey, why the fuck are y'all making me kneel here? Could y'all say yes already?
Jane turned to the people on the overlook and said, Can we have a moment?
And the people cleared out. I got off my knee and sat on the ground. Alexa wasn't looking at me. Jane wasn't looking at me. My face cheeks grew wet. My throat hurt. This wasn't — I mean — it couldn't be this, right?
Alexa said, Fuck, okay, I didn't want it to be like this. We should've done this at the restaurant but there were so many people there. I was going to do it at the foot of the trail but it didn't feel right. But this isn't--
Jane cut her off, Alexa, c'mon. Get to the point.
And Alexa said, Fuck, Jasmine, it's…we were going to…we can't marry you. We're breaking up with you. You're amazing but it's just that—
She tried to explain. Then, Jane tried to explain. Then, they both tried to explain at the same time, talking over one another as they did. Then, they argued with one another. Then, they looked at me and waited for me to say something.
I wanted to ask for a better reason why, but I knew there was none. They said over and over that I hadn't done anything wrong. That I was super awesome and wonderful, but despite me being awesome and wonderful, they didn't love me. Which meant that they only loved one another.
I asked, How long? It didn't feel like I was in my body anymore. I felt like I did when a customer was screaming at me.
Jane asked, How long what?
I said, How long have you not loved me?
Alexa said, Honestly, it's not like that. It's--
Jane said, We decided to break up with you a month ago, we were waiting for a good time to do it.
I put the jewelry box on the ground, stood up, and walked past them. Alexa called out after me. Jane and she started to argue, but that rapidly broke down into crying. I realized I was still crying too. My head pounded. The worst headache of my life was taking shape.
Nothing hurt worse than my heart. It has been torn from my chest and where it should be was nothing but a vast empty space. The pain reached past the numbness, to the very core of who I was, and cut deep.
It would never heal.