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Hot breath visible in the cold air. Fingertips and cheeks flushed red. The sounds of boots crunching through the snow echoed in the streets.
The bright colourful lights ahead, almost surreal how the holiday was mostly celebrated more for its festivity than its meaning.
And Sanzu and Mucho were one of them. Never had a proper Christmas, yet here they were curious about that experience. Moreover, Sanzu was interested and Mucho had to take him as he wouldn't ask for it, but stare.
None of the two had many plans on what to do aside from some searching on the internet and asking friends on the down low what they were doing. Hakkai surprisingly knew a lot, only to remember how his older brother was very religious.
"Wear your gloves," Mucho asked, regarding Sanzu’s thin fingers barely hidden behind the sleeves of his jacket. No immediate reply came from the latter as his eyes were glued on the display. A decorated Christmas tree and the happy faces of a stereotypical family were displayed on the posters.
These kinds of happy faces were also found in salad commercials.
His eyes finally turned to Mucho who came closer to touch his shoulder to garner his attention.
"I forgot."
Sanzu could see Mucho press his lips thin but merely got over it, taking his gloves off.
"Wear mine then."
Refusing Mucho's gesture was often useless, as the older delinquent was stubborn, so Sanzu learned to simply accept and say thank you.
He stared at the warm worn black gloves in his palm and decided to only wear the right one and handed the other back.
The glove was too big for his spider fingers. Loose, but it was warm.
"You wear the left, and I just grab your right hand."
A raise of the brow was garnered from Mucho, but he didn't contest it much when Sanzu insisted.
"Just fuckin do it."
Sanzu's hand was ice cold in comparison to Mucho's warm palm. He immediately pocketed their hands in his jacket, dragging Sanzu closer to his side.
"Yeah, that works," Mucho agreed, satisfied that others' hands weren't on the brink of turning into popsicles.
Unbothered waltzing through the streets to get their shopping going.
Unaware the redness in Sanzu’s cheeks was not from the cold alone. Sanzu had the urge to lean on the other’s shoulder but quickly distracted himself by looking at passing people.
Lucky for Sanzu, Mucho walked at a slower pace, or else he would be dragged behind.
The only thing they knew to get was a Christmas cake. A tree. A lot of sparkly shit as described by Sanzu. And the most important thing of it all was a lot of food.
The fried chicken seemed to be the go-to here.
But to order it, there would be a need to reserve it and a lot of waiting. Mucho had suggested they make the food themselves and got irritated at Sanzu questioning his cooking abilities. That little shit had the nerve to ask while having been over to eat his damn food.
"I thought it was takeout usually?"
"Budgeting won't allow that."
It was also safer for the wallet to make the food themselves this coming Christmas.
A lot of sales too.
"Not old man Mucho, but granny Mucho with his coupo-"
Sanzu got smacked on the back of his head for the comment.
"We can eat ramen for all I care."
"I'll behave."
A wary look came from the taller of the two, but he dismissed it and grabbed Sanzu's left hand back in his pocket. Relief settled once the warm air of the grocery store hit their faces. Their cheeks were still rosy from the cold. Mucho grabbed a basket and pointed to Sanzu to get the cake from the bakery section.
"It is reserved under my name."
Sanzu had a mission to fulfill and quickly darted in the opposite direction that Mucho was walking. The irony between the two was Mucho had a more prominent sweet tooth, despite his appearance. But, he ate sweets on special occasions to fit his diet, so Sanzu wouldn’t be surprised if he was very picky about the cake they got. The display in the bakery aisle had a few ready cakes. Most were frosted cupcakes. Easier to sell after all, especially when little children pass by. The thing that did perk Sanzu’s attention was the cake slices with a cookie of Santa Claus and he hoped the cake Mucho ordered had it too.
The lady behind the cake displays was polite, although chatting too much to Sanzu’s inability to deal with people. She did add a free candy cane to the order, so everything was forgiven in his mind.
So, getting the cake was now checked off the list with Sanzu triumphantly holding a white box with some golden sticker on the lid, in front of Mucho.
"You think it's just sugary icing?"
"Nah, should be chocolate with strawberries. The ready-to-go is just icing and peppermint," Mucho replied half listening, regarding a package of potatoes.
"Let's get another one. If I can't eat Santa's legs off, what's the point."
For once, Mucho looked at Sanzu's challenging gaze. He expected to be denied and cancelled. The ordered cake was already an adjustment so they both could enjoy it. Mucho wasn’t particularly fond of the Christmas edition of sweets. They try to sneak in peppermint everywhere. He disliked the sharp taste, despite him having no qualms to devour three plates worth of spicy curry.
It tasted like toothpaste and it confused him; this was what Mucho would always tell him whenever Sanzu bothered him about his favourite flavour. Was it strange of him to just want to see Mucho eat peppermint, so his nose slightly flared? His big lips puckered when he got annoyed, begrudgingly eating it because he didn’t like to waste things. Was it strange for Sanzu to aim for that?
“Pretty please.”
The younger man batted his eyelashes comically.
“I know you’re gonna force me to take a bite of it.”
“I would never.”
An innocent lie.
Mucho huffed, but he decided he was willing to bear with it.
Christmas seemed to be something Sanzu was excited to partake in. And he liked seeing him without worries.
"We get the single slices then."
Sanzu pumped his fist once Mucho didn't look in his direction; like he didn't know already.
"Thank you," he muttered, more collected with Mucho waving it off.
"Should we make croquettes too?"
"Yes!"
How odd that the mundane task of finding ingredients was exciting to Sanzu. Or perhaps it was the fact he was doing it with Mucho; hyper at the idea to spend Christmas together. To plan together, to look around together.
Enjoying each other's company. A sense of normalcy and peace.
Mucho was also more lenient these days when Sanzu couldn't help but hang his inner child out more. Especially to push the other to be relaxed and have his own selfish whims.
“At Christmas, do you hang out with your other friends usually?”
It was no mystery what Sanzu meant by “other friends”, and Mucho merely shrugged as he tried to decide whether he wanted to use cornflakes for the fried chicken batter.
“We never celebrated it. Just poured water on the parks where couples like to go.”
“So they slip and fall when the water freezes? You are terrible.”
“Fourteen-year-old me found it very funny, I may say.”
A sly chuckle slipped on Mucho’s calm features. Very apparent he found the memory amusing to this day.
“You are terrible.”
“You would laugh too.”
“I never said I wasn’t terrible either.”
Mucho caught the slight squint in Sanzu’s eyes whenever he grinned behind the scarf. It was a sudden urge, he couldn’t help himself. Out of habit, he flicked his nose, making the other jump.
Sanzu looked like he was ready to fight him, but calmed down quickly enough to help out carrying the bags into Mucho's parked car. A bit of a long walk as they wanted to see the lights in the city on foot.
The street was still busy, despite the dark sky. Dark already by 5. Couples were mostly wandering the streets and Sanzu glanced at the ground whether or not it had ice on it.
“The streets are salted. The parks are not.”
“Of course, you still remember such a fact,” Sanzu snorted, his eyes glued to the flickering lights.
“What’s the point of making a plan that is doomed to fail? If you harbour so much grudge, you don’t want to feel angrier. Sometimes I forget I was this resentful on holidays.”
Hearing that, Sanzu halted, staring at him. The crunching sound of snow was ongoing as Mucho continued, unaware Sanzu wasn't walking along. There were times, Sanzu sometimes forgot that Mucho was like any person in Toman, a troubled teenager. And all that mature and calm behaviour was just him forcing himself to grow up since he had no one. It was no secret between the two, Mucho spoiled Sanzu in most cases. There was an unspoken hierarchy that he would never try to burden his worries onto Sanzu. If he ever said something it was more reminiscing his past like it was "fixed".
And Sanzu could just be selfish. Like any younger siblings. Demand for anything, cry about anything, and in the end, feel assured to be in safe hands.
Because Sanzu made that comparison. The urge to fill the empty spot where he should have a reliable brother. A guiding figure. And now it felt patronising.
Like a greedy child that felt entitled to see all facets of a person.
He wondered if Mucho ever felt comfortable enough to weep tears on someone's shoulder. What was it like to be the “oldest”? Who did they rely on?
Their parents? Their lovers? Mucho had no contact with his mother. Mucho had no significant other either. But it was just a matter of time.
“Sanzu?”
Sanzu looked startled when his name was called, watching Mucho walk towards him.
“Are you coming?”
“Yeah…” he responded, almost absent-mindedly.
“Are you alright?”
Sanzu didn’t meet the other’s gaze as he nodded.
“Just remembering the time we got cookies last year, and Mikey gave me the damn things with his sticky bare hands”, he lied through his teeth.
“Oh yeah, the lemon ones. They were good.”
For once, Sanzu squinted at him.
“Fuck you.”
This outburst didn’t seem to faze Mucho, as he opened the trunk of his car.
“Either you sit in the car yourself, or I put you in the trunk like the rest of the grocery.”
“Maybe I want to go into the trunk.”
There was a pause and a blank look on Mucho’s face; he then lifted the other.
“Okay.”
“Wait, wait, wait- I was joking!”
That shortened the wait to finally be able to drive home.
The car ride was almost silent with Sanzu occupied with the previous thoughts. Why was he so focused on that, especially when it should be such a comforting day?
He was spending Christmas with Mucho.
He would be eating nice food and having fun.
And that persistent whisper in his ear would remind him of “how much of a child he was” Such a burden. A liar. And Mucho probably hated him in some form.
“You know…”
Mucho’s voice garnered Sanzu’s attention.
“When there is something you don’t want to tell me, it’s okay to refuse. I won’t dig further”
“Huh?”
Confusion was in Sanzu’s voice as he looked at the other tilted. Before he was about to ask why he was mentioning that, the realisation hit him. The prickly sensation of shame washed down his back. Sanzu sunk into his seat, looking outside the window.
Of course, Mucho knew he lied to him previously.
“Are you angry?”
“No. I just wanted to point it out because you have been doing it a lot recently. Do you want to talk about it?”
Sanzu thought about it for a moment and shrugged his shoulders.
“Intrusive thoughts, nothing more.”
Red light. Mucho glanced at him swiftly, prompting Sanzu to sigh.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I want to have fun on Christmas, Can we just pretend I didn’t lie and soured the mood?”
“You didn’t-”
“Address it next week.”
“...okay.”
They didn’t talk anymore. Sanzu didn’t know what else to say as his nagging thoughts remained. Sometimes, he wished Mucho would yell at him. Perhaps not a healthy thought. But, that was how Sanzu could justify Mucho not thinking he was some sort of pitiful being. That his kindness wasn’t connected to dishonesty by hiding his actual behaviour. That naked self was stored away in a box far away from his reach.
Mucho knew what Sanzu hid to an extent. The things Sanzu showed, and the things he was aware of, but didn’t open the lid up.
And it was unfair, so unfair.
His eyes rolled as he heard the radio tune-up. The jingles of Christmas songs. Every single year the same ones.
“Why can’t I comfort you?”
“What?”
This time Mucho sounded confused.
“Nothing.”
Sanzu kept looking out onto the street.
No more talk besides the mixtape Mucho put into the player. The ride home felt exceedingly longer than desired.
Once the door to their home was unlocked, Sanzu immediately threw his boots off to slither underneath the Kotatsu for warmth. Or rather, avoiding having a conversation in case Mucho did decide on wanting to continue their previous one.
“Not gonna help me pack away the things?”
“Nope.”
All Sanzu heard was a small chuckle and the steps becoming more distant. Relief settled in his stomach, and for a moment Sanzu calmed down, despite the nagging voice in his head telling him how Mucho was upset and was pretending not to be.
Then, he felt something grab his legs, and Sanzu was pulled out from underneath the kotatsu.
“What the fuck!?”
“Spill it. What did you mean?”
Mucho crouched in front of him before he sat on Sanzu’s back.
“Get OFF ME! I thought you were going to respect my boundaries and not pry for the answers!”
“That was before you started to trickle truth to me. And you need to help with peeling the vegetables because I won’t stand in the kitchen till nighttime.”
Sanzu struggled under the heavy weight of Mucho’s but finally gave up, laying flat on the carpet.
“I said it is just intrusive dumb thoughts. It’s no big deal.”
“Intrusive thoughts that kept leaving you spacing out and looking like you harbour resentment against me.”
It hurt to be reminded how perceptive Mucho was.
“Get off me…” Sanzu weakly protested, trying to keep his voice low, so he didn’t get overly emotional.
“No.”
A pause of silence.
“Why do you never hate me? Why do you never feel the need to yell at me? I lied about so many things and yet you never get mad about it. Why are you always so kind to me, trying to give me Christmas after everything? Why?”
Feeling the weight lift from his back, Sanzu turned to watch Mucho’s frazzled expression. Caught off guard. His worried expression quickly smoothed out into a solemn one.
“What will yelling do?”
The tone in Mucho’s voice had a sliver of confusion.
“Will hurting you even fix anything? Sure, I get tired whenever I make note of another lie. It makes me wonder if I am a joke to you sometimes.”
“You are not a joke to me…”, Sanzu muttered under his breath.
“You may think that. But, I honestly don’t know what you want often. Do you want a reliable brother? Apparently, you don’t want that either. Maybe I suck at acting as one. I never had somebody to hold my hands whenever I am scared. So, I never know whether I am doing anything right with you. But, that is not a reason for me to hate you…”
“But it’s frustrating, is it not? Don’t you get tired of it? All the time dealing with my problems with nothing in return…”
“Why do you always think the bad outweighs the good? You think you are just taking, and taking, and leaving me empty.”
“Well, I am doing that. When was the last time you ever felt vulnerable? You don’t trust me enough because you think I want a strong figure in my life that never fuckin cries and makes me feel safe!”
“You want to see me complain and cry about my worries? Be useless to you? And not lose the confidence that I can protect you?”
“Yes! Be fuckin useless! Be selfish! I don’t give a shit whether you are older than me. Or a fuckin tree. I want to comfort you too! I want to be THERE FOR YOU. I want to hug you like you do whenever I am in a shitty head space. I hate feeling like I am never helpful. I hate how you need to go to somebody else whenever you feel like you can’t show your face to me. I hate FEELING LIKE A FUCKING EMOTIONAL LEECH to you!”
Mucho didn’t reply anymore, being the first to break eye contact. He looked almost shocked by Sanzu’s confession.
“Fuckin fighting about this shit while we should be decorating some shit ass mini tree…”
“Stop your unnecessary cursing…”
“Why? Gonna get mad at me for being ungrateful finally?”
No reply; Mucho wasn’t looking at him.
That was his cue to find the decoration, only to grow agitated that he didn’t immediately spot what he wanted.
“Mucho, we forgot the damn tree.”
“There is a box next to the bookshelf.”
And indeed there was. All the bells and whistles of ornaments, sparkly rope and orbs to hang on the little tree.
“I told you that it should have waited until next week.”
“And let you simmer with these thoughts? Let me stay clueless that whenever I act nice to you, you think I am lying. Sanzu, have you just ever considered that I am just terrible at expressing anything? To anyone, not just you. I don’t open up. I cry in the closet because I see myself as weak if I show it to anyone. Nobody wants to see a person like me cry. Sure, maybe it is not a weakness in hindsight, but the habit is there. I don’t know how to… shut down. I am happy when you trust me. I am happy whenever you have no worries. Being useful… This is all I have.”
Sanzu nodded, staring at the plastic fake pine needles on the tree.
“I just wish for whatever privileges you keep letting me have. To apply yourself.”
Mucho’s warm hands could be felt on his shoulder.
“It’s difficult. Just like how you push me away, even if you don’t really mean it. Force of habit. But I am not doing it to shut you out.”
It was a strange sensation when Sanzu thought about how he turned the situation into Mucho trying to change while he remained the same. In the end, Sanzu was crying about how everything was unfair and now Mucho was adjusting. Giving him another piece of himself to appease him. Even if it was selfish, Sanzu wanted that piece so badly. The hidden box he wished to treasure.
“If you want to comfort me, you have to look at me.”
Sanzu slowly turned towards him. His eyes were watery from trying not to spill any tears, but one rolled down his cheek anyway.
He wrapped his arms around Mucho as he awkwardly leaned his cheek on his collarbone.
“I am also afraid, Sanzu. That I won’t be useful anymore.”
His arms tightened around his torso.
“You could be a damn worm and I would still keep you in a terrarium.”
Mucho slightly chuckled at the description.
“I don’t like you because you always help me… or forgive me… You listen and care about me… This is all I want. This is all I always wanted.”
“That’s my Christmas present then.”
“You are cheap.”
A vibrating cackle came out of him, still leaning onto the shorter young man.
“What’s my present then?”
A yelp came out of Sanzu as he was wrestled to the floor.
“Premature grey hair.”
“No one will know if I am bald.”
“Your eyebrows! Don’t you need to cook or something anyway?”
“Yeah...”
They didn’t let go of each other yet. Sanzu felt the heartbeat against his chest, nuzzling in the other’s neck in comfort.
“When… I realised you had siblings… I wondered sometimes if you ever wanted to get back to them if you were on better terms. Or spend it with friends like last year.”
Sanzu desperately clung to Mucho. This topic would always be a sore moment.
“Were you happy when I bothered you this morning?”
“Yeah… I started to learn, I can get lonely. Usually, whenever I am alone on holidays, I make a short visit to people I know. Show that I am alive, and go home.”
This was a luxury for the two of them. To be able to hug each other without their fears making them tense up. It was so warm like this. However, it was a bit uncomfortable, laying on the tatami.
“You won’t get rid of me… “
“Don’t promise me that, I will come back with grudges if you don’t hold the end of the bargain. You will do your thing and I will be there as your friend.”
“Friend, huh?”
“I dunno what else to call it. You want to comfort me too.”
“I wasn’t your friend before?”
“Yes, but you know…”
Mucho didn’t say it, but Sanzu knew what he meant.
This wasn’t the only reason that Sanzu didn’t wish to view him as some form of a brother. He didn’t harbour remotely brotherly feelings.
“I guess we can label it as such.”
But that was fine. What were they? Sanzu didn’t know and he didn’t mind knowing yet. All he was glad that he got to spend more time with Mucho and that was good enough. It was a step Sanzu was willing to take to further nest into his heart.
Mucho hummed slightly, giving Sanzu a strong squeeze.
“I will openly complain about the recent soap opera to you every Tuesday.”
“Is that the friend's privilege pack?”
Another hum.
Finally, Mucho moved to the kitchen, leaving Sanzu on the floor. His focus was back on the ornaments that lay scattered around. It was a sad-looking tree compared to what one saw in displays. The colours of the decorations didn’t look pleasing to each other. However, it was the little Christmas tree he would have with Mucho.
Their special tree brought him an inch closer towards his former captain.
“Mucho, where is your radio?”
“Huh, why?”
Sanzu heard the other call from the kitchen and walked into it to see the man heating oil in the pot, ready to fry their dinner.
“We forgot to buy batteries for the lights.”
There was a slightly concerned look on Mucho’s face. Of course, he did, he was rather protective of his old box and tapes.
“We do not need the lights that bad…”
“Lemme gut the radio, so the tree looks shiny. We can get the batteries for it, or put them back later.”
“And I thought, you didn’t want to be catered to.”
Gasping, Sanzu glared at him.
“That’s two different things and you know it. I can spoil you too if you just asked.”
“Learn to cook then.”
Sanzu left the kitchen. Then a few seconds later, he came back to point at him with a hissy voice.
“I can cook, I just like your food more.”
“Thank you.”
The desire to insult him as a reflex was sharp on his tongue. However, Sanzu blubbered instead. In the end, he quickly shouted, “YOU’RE WELCOME!” before stomping off back into the tiny living room.
The short spat and anger were quickly forgotten.
Food was placed. Mucho’s poor radio was stolen from its battery, powering the obnoxious colourful Christmas lights brightening the tree. Their set-up was complete.
“Next time, I will choose the decorations because you are colourblind.”
“I needed to get the deer in the orb. It stared dead like you. It shall be added now every year.”
“I do not like the rude Mucho openly insulting me,” Sanzu huffed, hiding the giddiness at the thought of more years spent together. His glee was short-lived as he hissed from the fried chicken almost burning his tongue.
“Complain to Santa. That’s your present,” Mucho shrugged, cutting the croquette on his plate in half, so it cooled easier. He couldn’t help but grin wider.
The moment Sanzu noted Mucho’s face, he shoved him. And Mucho let himself lay back on the floor.
“You think you are funny? You think you are really slick?”
Just a hum was garnered at the accusations Sanzu was throwing. His eyes curiously tried to follow the other as Sanzu stood up to dart into the kitchen.
Ah.
His mouth pulled sour at the sight of the slice of cake with the Santa cookie, on the platter Sanzu was bringing. One leg of Santa was already missing. There was no need to know where it went with the slight crunching noise in Sanzu’s mouth.
With the ask to be more selfish, Sanzu expected Mucho to deny him entry into his mouth for minty goods. However, the other wasn’t thinking far enough as with two pleas of, lash batting and “it will make me happy that we are sharing” he caved.
Sanzu gleefully watched Mucho’s face turn into a slight pout, tasting the unwanted flavour. Without much thought, he took the strawberry from the other cake and put that in front of his mouth too. To treat him nicely in exchange.
Mucho ate it, looking rather confused at the gesture Sanzu was doing.
The serious, yet pleased look threw him off a bit. And it didn’t take long for Sanzu to snap out of it and grow flustered. They were too close to each other and he awkwardly cleared his throat.
“I will eat… the rest of the santa cake…”
“Sure…” Mucho spoke puzzled in return. The two fumbled in silence, trying to eat dessert. The TV had been turned on with a drama playing on low volume.
“I didn’t mind that,” Sanzu heard Mucho mutter under his breath. All Sanzu could manage was a small noise.
This just cleared the resolve, Sanzu didn’t want to have Mucho as just a friend after all. Next Christmas, he wished Mucho was completely his.