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Mark is very used to waking up next to another body.
Not in a sex way, and certainly not in a marriage way, but more so in a “my best friend is my neighbour and my mother just lets him in whenever he wants” way. It’s an occurrence that’s been common since they were teenagers and they got past that awkward, middle school, boys can’t sleep in the same bed phase.
It started with weekend sleepovers and turned into waiting for Mark to wake up in the morning before school. It progressed into staying so late after school that it just made sense to fall asleep in Mark’s bed. Now that they’ve graduated high school and are both navigating college from home, it’s become an almost daily occurrence.
So when Mark wakes up this morning and finds his bed empty, he almost panics. He swears he heard his mother talking to someone a few hours ago, at a time only mothers ever seem to be awake, but he blinks his eyes open to empty sheets and mid-summer sunshine beaming through his blinds. Mark almost misses the feeling of another body next to him, and he stretches his arm out with a groan to encase the other side of the bed wearily.
And he nearly falls back asleep, but the sound of a pan clanging downstairs and the smell of cooking food draw him from under his sheets. The sound of humming bugs outside lets him know that despite the air-conditioned chill in the house, it’s hot and humid outside. Wearing nothing but loose boxer shorts and an old tank top, Mark yawns to himself as he trudges down the stairs to the main floor.
He can hear sizzling and plates clattering together, and the delicious smell of what has to be bacon gets stronger as he approaches the kitchen while rubbing his eyes. He blinks to try and adjust his already blurry vision and finds Donghyuck standing at the stove next to his mother.
Mark stops in his tracks, bare feet cold against the tile floor, and furrows his brows.
“What are you doing in my kitchen?” He grumbles, watching his friend spin around with a grin as Mark is crossing the room to get to the fridge.
“There’s the birthday boy!” He cheers, waving a spatula in the air as Mark is pulling the jug of orange juice out of the fridge to pour himself a glass. “Happy birthday!”
Mark rolls his eyes with a smile as he sips his juice, while his mother comes to his side to press a kiss to his temple. “Happy birthday, Mark.”
“Thanks, Mom.” He says, before shifting his eyes to the boy at the stove. “Why would you trust him to cook?”
“He insisted.” She says matter-of-factly, with that fond smile that always graces her face whenever she’s talking about Donghyuck. “Sit down. You can eat together.”
Mark obeys, sliding onto a stool at the kitchen island as Donghyuck is plating some surprisingly perfect sunny-side-up eggs. It’s set in front of him, and Donghyuck plops himself right next to him with a happy hum like he’s impressed with his own work.
“You weren’t in my bed this morning.” Mark mumbles, staring at his food as gentle steam floats off of it.
Donghyuck chuckles, fork scraping his plate as he takes a mouthful of his own before saying, “You act like we’re married.”
“Well, you did just cook me birthday breakfast.”
Mark gives his friend a quick glance, catching the way he smiles around his food with round cheeks. Then, he takes a bite to stop himself from saying anything else, because Mark is worried that in his half-asleep state, he’ll say something he shouldn’t—like he loves him, or something.
One thing to know about Mark, he’s terrified of feelings. Especially his own. And lately, they’ve been attacking him at full force because it’s summertime and he sees Donghyuck every day, as he used to when they were kids and Mark thought he was the coolest person in the world because he had long hair and didn’t need glasses. It stirs up some confusing things in his stomach that he’s been trying to push down because friends don’t feel that way about each other.
They don’t get a hurricane in their gut whenever they smile, and they certainly don’t feel lonely and disappointed when they wake without them in their bed.
Mark keeps his head down and eats his eggs.
“So, I was thinking the plan for today could be—” Donghyuck starts, but Mark waves his fork around to stop him mid-sentence.
“Woah woah woah, you’re planning my birthday?”
“Of course I am.” Donghyuck picks up a strip of bacon between his fingers, giving Mark an eyeroll as he bites it. “You’d lose track of your own head without me.”
Mark gives him a push, but Donghyuck keeps his balance.
Mark learns that the plan for today is to go to the grocery store so he can pick out a cake, get that cake home before it melts in his car, and then start making something for dinner so their friends can come over later and give Mark their gifts. He isn’t quite sure why he’s being made to work on his own birthday, and Donghyuck just rolls his eyes and calls him spoiled when he makes that complaint.
So Mark trudges upstairs to put some real clothes on while Donghyuck waits downstairs with his parents like he lives there or something.
And even though he’s running Mark’s birthday like the military, he’s glad he’s here. Mark doesn’t think there’s another person he’d want to see from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep. Donghyuck is just so easy. Being friends with him has always come naturally like they were meant to live next to each other and be forced to play outside when they were kids.
Mark met Donghyuck when he was 8, the boy was 7, and Mark was learning to ride a two-wheeler for the first time. His parents had gotten him one for his birthday that year, and he spent the afternoon riding back and forth on the sidewalk very cautiously (and very wobbly). Donghyuck was the kid next door who Mark always heard about but never really saw, and he just so happened to be outside drawing pictures on the sidewalk with chalk.
They didn’t have to cross paths that day, but Mark’s bike had other plans and sent him too far out of his yard. He crushed a few pieces of coloured chalk and ran over Donghyuck’s fingers, and even though it was 14 years ago, it was still the worst first impression Mark has ever made.
But somehow, sore fingers and broken chalk turned into the best friendship he could have asked for. One where Mark never had to doubt himself—never had to think twice, get nervous, or be embarrassed about anything. Donghyuck is just so easy. He finds everything funny, and he’s learned to understand Mark’s rambled style of speaking like it’s a second language. He knows Mark inside and out by now, and yet Mark is still too scared to tell him one important thing.
He loves him.
As he’s throwing an unbuttoned shirt over his white tee, he keeps those words deep inside him because after going through high school and watching kids grow and confess to each other, he’s come to learn that it’s the easiest way to completely flatline a friendship. It’s too risky to take such a plunge because three words can be enough to turn smooth sailing into rocky waters.
More often than not, the other person doesn’t feel the same. And if they do, and something more comes of it, there’s never a guarantee it’ll last. Mark is adamant that being friends after breaking up with someone is not easy and rarely goes well, and the idea of suddenly not having his best friend in his life is terrifying enough to keep his mouth glued shut and his heart caged in his ribs.
“Let’s go, Mark!” Donghyuck calls up the stairs, and Mark shakes out his messy hair before throwing a bucket hat over it and tearing himself away from his reflection.
Donghyuck is waiting at the bottom of the stairs, hands on his hips and pretty white teeth smiling up at him like he isn’t annoyed at all. He turns around, his curly, auburn hair bouncing with every movement, and Mark walks back downstairs in silence.
Mark has to take them to the store because Donghyuck doesn’t drive. He can, he just doesn’t.
His rationalization is that cars are expensive, and he can just bike to school and work. That and all of his friends can drive, so what’s really the point? Many people might see that as kind of shitty, or taking advantage of one’s friends, but Mark wouldn’t have it any other way.
Not just because Donghyuck gives everyone more than enough gas money. Mostly because he likes seeing him when he looks over. The way he watches his phone while Mark watches the road, head down, lips pouty. He always picks the music too, and it’s like a little reward when he sings along quietly with a voice as sweet as candy.
Today is no different, except he does offer once, “You wanna aux? It is your birthday…”
But Mark tells him to just put on whatever, earning a smile of victory like Donghyuck knows he’ll always get his way. Solely because Mark really loves him. So much so that he listens to shitty music and pretends he likes it. So much so that he drives to three grocery stores because none of them have the cake he wants, and Donghyuck won’t let him settle. And Mark isn’t happy unless Donghyuck is happy.
“Why do you have to be so picky!” Donghyuck chastises as they stand in front of another bakery counter, staring at dozens of decorated cakes in every flavour imaginable.
“I’m not picky, I said I’d get a different one!”
Mark is trying to find a cake that he had gotten for his mother on her birthday, made with light, fluffy cream and lots of berries. So far he’s finding everything but, and if he’s being honest this isn’t a very big deal to him, but Donghyuck has stated that being disappointed on your birthday is like, illegal or something.
“Well…what would you want instead?”
“That chocolate one actually looks really good.” Mark points at a little round cake with swirls of different coloured chocolate on the top. “I’m fine with that.”
“Deal. Sealed.” Donghyuck lowers his brows in a serious way that always makes Mark laugh because he looks like an angry little bear when he does it.
Donghyuck pays for the cake even though Mark insisted he would, and the person behind the counter is careful as they slide it into a box and plant a little plastic HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign into the frosting. Just as they’re sealing it closed with a sticker, Mark can see another worker bringing a cake up the front counter. One with fluffy white frosting and a heaping pile of berries on top of it.
“Oh, come on.” He groans, and Donghyuck looks at him, confused.
“What?” His head turns back and Mark can see his shoulders slump, a dejected sigh coming from his lips as he watches the cake get placed behind the glass. “Son of a bitch.”
“It’s fine, Hyuck.” Mark lets out a little laugh because it’s a cake, which is not that serious. “Let’s get home.”
He picks up the white box with his chocolate cake in it, but Donghyuck isn’t following him. He’s pulling his debit card out of his wallet again and leaning in to ask the worker,
“Can we get that one too?”
“Hyuck!” Mark slaps his arm, giving him a stern look to deter him because like hell is Mark going to let him buy two cakes. “We don’t need it.”
“But you wanted it,” Donghyuck says simply, before nodding at the worker to give them the go-ahead. “Don’t worry about it, Markie.”
Mark’s argument fizzles out before it reaches his tongue, taken over by undeniable annoyance because he hates when people call him that. Donghyuck started doing it in high school when he heard Mark’s grandmother say it, and though his torment is far and few between now, he still uses it to his advantage. He must like the way it humiliates Mark, making him clamp his mouth shut as his face goes hot red because the guy before the counter definitely heard.
Mark turns away from the counter and stares down at the sticker on the box as Donghyuck thanks the worker before nudging Mark with his elbow.
“Come on, birthday boy.”
Mark follows in silence, keeping a few steps behind Donghyuck.
They unload the cakes into the backseat and Mark buckles in up front as Donghyuck is rifling around in the glove box for something. Mark doesn’t know what he could possibly be looking for in his car, but he rolls his eyes as Donghyuck pulls out a pair of sunglasses that definitely don’t belong to him.
He slides them onto his face, casting shadows over his soft cheeks, and looks at Mark with a frown.
“What?”
“Nothing.” Mark rushes to say, tightening his grip on the steering wheel as he tears his eyes away from his friend.
“Do they not look good?” Donghyuck’s voice is whiney as he pulls down the visor to look at himself in the tiny mirror, a gentle pout on strawberry-pink lips.
“They’re mine,” Mark says simply, swallowing hard.
“Duh,” Donghyuck says with a slight roll of his eyes, falling back into his seat and sending messy hair into his face. “I would never buy Raybans.”
Mark doesn’t have the energy to come up with a rebuttal, because his brain has gone into complete meltdown mode at the sight of the boy wearing something of his. Because he took a moment to blot chapstick on his lips, making them look fuller and shinier.
Mark is a weak human being, he thinks. Anyone with any sort of willpower wouldn’t think these things are their friend. They wouldn’t even notice them. Putting on chapstick is nothing worth thinking about. It’s as normal as tying your shoes or brushing your hair. Mark is a pathetic pile of disgusting softness.
“Are we gonna go, or what?” Donghyuck gives him this funny look from the passenger seat, and Mark realizes that he hasn’t even started the car yet.
“Yeah, sorry.” He keeps his head down as he shifts gears, trying to hide the furious blush on his cheeks as he backs out of the parking spot.
“Are you okay?” Donghyuck asks instead of playing any music, and it’s awkwardly quiet when Mark doesn’t answer for a moment.
He’s okay, right?
“You’re not mad that I bought the other cake, right? I promise you I can afford it.” Donghyuck adds a little laugh to the end of his sentence like he’s trying to lighten the mood in the car that Mark is making heavy for absolutely no reason.
“No, Donghyuck.” Mark scoffs, offering the boy a smile to prove to him that he’s okay. “It’s all good.”
Donghyuck’s strawberry-sweet lips curl back into a smile, making his cheeks swell and his eyes shimmer and Mark has to force himself to watch the road before he gets them into a wreck.
It’s all good, right?
***
“Donghyuck quit it!” Mark swats at the boy who’s hovering over him at the kitchen island, trying his hardest to get a paper party hat on Mark’s head. Like he just turned 3 instead of 23.
Donghyuck is giggling, his own hat crooked on his head. The look on his face is one Mark has never been able to say no to—one of pure adoration like he raised Mark himself instead of his parents. Which is probably weird to say about the guy you love.
“You’re no fun.” Donghyuck whines, snapping the strap so it hits Mark’s chin and making him yelp. “Your mom picked these out. Wear one.”
Mark groans, adjusting the hat that’s way too small on his head before a hand slaps his back and sends him forwards. He doesn’t have to turn around to know it’s Jeno, because there’s no one else he knows who’s as unintentionally strong as him. He keeps his hand on his shoulder and leans over to smile right at Mark.
“Happy birthday!” He cheers, smelling like hot summer air and grinning from ear to ear. Donghyuck is quick to adorn him with a hat as well, which he doesn’t even bat an eye at. “Do you feel old yet?”
“Ancient.” Mark says with a roll of his eyes, but he can’t hide the smile that his friends always bring to his face. “Where’s Jisung?”
Normally, Jisung and Jeno are attached at the hip. (It helps that Jeno is full of love and Jisung needs so much of it). They’re what Mark likes to call a shot in the dark. A lucky chance. The start of the end. Because friends who get together probably won’t stay together.
“He’s just grabbing your gifts from the car.”
Like magic, Jisung stumbles his way into the kitchen with both bags and a box in his hands, sunglasses slipping down his nose. Jeno is gone from Mark’s side in an instant, taking everything from his hands like it’s nothing. And the way he leans in, pulling his glasses off his face and wearing this utterly lovesick smile on his face, is enough to make Mark feel sick.
“Goddammit, you two!” Jaemin groans from the living room floor, glaring at them overdramatically. “You didn’t have to show us all up with your gifts.”
“One of them is from Chenle.” Jisung says quietly, allowing Donghyuck to give him his hat.
“You couldn’t bring it yourself?” Jaemin rolls his eyes, stretching out his leg to kick the boy.
“I rode my bike here, dude!”
Donghyuck glances at Mark—this shared look as if they have the same brain and the same thoughts of how annoying their friends can be. Mark just stares back, not communicating anything other than awkwardness, and Donghyuck scoffs before spinning around on the tiled floor with a smile.
“Renjun! Do you think the food is done?”
“Why are you asking me?” Renjun asks from where he leans against the counter, eyes on his phone.
“You’ve been tasting it for like, 15 minutes.”
“Damn, you saw that?” Renjun mumbles, his face flaring up as the other boys snort out laughter. “It’s good, okay? Sue me.”
“Yeah, we make a pretty good team,” Donghyuck says as he gestures to Mark with that same look on his face. “Considering Mark can’t cook.”
Mark lets out this weak laugh as he watches Donghyuck cross the kitchen, his eyes lingering on him just a little too long. Like he can somehow see right through him.
“Well let’s go! I’m starving.” Chenle launches off the couch to parade into the kitchen, dragging a reluctant Jisung along with him by looping his arm around his neck.
Just like that the boys start talking over each other, shoving closer to get a look at the food that Mark and (mostly) Donghyuck made before they got here.
“Should we eat on the patio? It’s a nice night.” Jeno suggests, and Donghyuck perks up at that idea.
“Jeno you’re a genius. You get extra cake for that.”
There are groans, whines, laughter, and the sound of dishes hitting each other. It’s a lot like the morning when Mark woke to breakfast being cooked for him, because Donghyuck is still standing in his kitchen like he lives there, dishing out food to all of their friends one by one. It’s louder though, far less pleasant in Mark’s opinion.
Don’t get him wrong, he loves all of his friends. He just loves Donghyuck differently. In a peaceful way, that feels soft and easy and kind. A love that feels like coming home when you see their face, even if you’ve known them for more than half of your life. Donghyuck feels like soft blankets, sunshine, and cold orange juice in the morning.
Donghyuck is everything Mark loves wrapped up in gold. Like the best birthday present he could ever ask for.
“Hey. Earth to Mel.” Mark blinks fast to find Donghyuck standing in front of him, a concerned look on his face and a plate full of food in his hands. He furrows his brows, reaching out to lay a warm hand on Mark’s forehead. “You okay? You’re all spacey.”
“M’fine.” Mark says with a nod. Because he is fine. Everything is fine.
“Okay, so take your plate.”
“Oh.” Mark looks down at the plate in the boy’s hand, realization flooding over him like a tsunami. “You didn’t have to make it for me.”
“Well, I did,” Donghyuck says this like it should have been obvious, and Mark takes it from him silently. “Go sit outside, put the umbrella up.”
“Yes sir.” Mark pretends to salute in an attempt to seem normal because he’s beginning to think that people are taking notice of his constant staring and strange silence.
And he goes outside, Jisung following swiftly behind him. The patio door closes behind them and Mark sets his food down, working on cranking the umbrella over the table so it slowly opens up. Jisung silently sits at the end of the table, staring down at his food.
Mark has always found him to be a little strange—not in a bad way, he’s just different from their friends. Everyone is loud and slightly irritating on a good day, and Jisung never has much to say. Until now, apparently.
“Can I ask you something?” He lifts his head, watching Mark’s hand go around and around.
“Sure, Ji.” Mark says absentmindedly as the boy’s face gets shadowed by the umbrella.
“Are you and Donghyuck, like, together?”
Mark’s hand rears in the other direction, sending the edge of the umbrella back down to hit him in the head. He makes a sound of surprise, quickly cranking it back up, before shaking his head quickly.
“No, god, we’re—”
“Mark, we totally saw that through the window.” Chenle calls as he slides the door open. “Hilarious. Thank you.”
Mark manages a weak chuckle as he sits in his seat, giving Jisung a rapid glance that he almost doesn’t catch. It almost solidifies the fact that Jisung is strange because who in their right mind would look at Mark and Donghyuck and think such a thing?
Mark and Donghyuck, who wake up in the same bed almost morning. Who can be in a room full of people and still only care about each other. Mark and Donghyuck, who have known each other for more than 10 years, and still have something to talk about every day.
That’s just how best friends are.
Right?
“Are you not hungry, Mark?” Renjun asks from across the table, cheeks full as he flickers his eyes down to Mark’s barely touched plate of food.
“More for me if he’s not.” Jaemin teases, fingers picking something up to shove it in his mouth, earning a slap from Jeno.
“No, I… I guess not.” Mark laughs a little, and all of his friends' eyes are on him like he’s some kind of spectacle. “It’s just hot out, and—and when I’m excited I get that nervous feeling in my stomach…so I’m kind of not…really hungry.” Mark trails off because he doesn’t even sound like himself right now, all unsure and unconvincing.
Jisung is giving him this wide-eyed look across the table, like this is somehow his fault even though Mark has had Donghyuck on his mind since the second he woke up.
“Don’t worry about it!” Donghyuck interrupts the silence cheerily, rubbing Mark’s arm a little too hard to be nonchalant. “You can open your gifts and have some cake after. That might feel better, right?”
“Right.” Mark nods once, wishing the boy would just stop touching him. That he’d stop being so nice for once and just act like the rest of their friends do, so Mark wouldn’t feel a single goddamn thing when he looks at him.
“He’s going to like mine the best.” Chenle says matter-of-factly, and Jaemin lets out a cackle at that.
“I can almost guarantee you he won’t.”
***
MARK
Hey
What did you mean out there?
About me and Donghyuck.
JISUNG
that was a weird thing to say
i’m sorry
it was nothing
MARK
You don’t have to lie to me or anything
I won’t be an ass about this
Promise
JISUNG
right
it’s just
you act weird around him
MARK
No I don’t
He’s my best friend
Why would I be weird around him?
JISUNG
not like that
you just don’t treat him like anyone else
you spaced out in the kitchen and you were just watching him
staring
and then he came to check on you and your whole face lit up
MARK
And what’s your point lol
JISUNG
idk
it just reminds me a lot of how i was
with jeno
MARK
Ah
Well we’re not together lol
JISUNG
but you like him, don’t you?
mark?
you don’t have to hide from him you know
he loves you
***
Mark isn’t quite sure what he’s looking at. He knows it’s knit, and he knows it’s blue, but he turns it over in his hands a few times before he lifts his eyes and looks at Chenle with a laugh.
“What is this?”
“It’s a scarf,” Chenle says sheepishly, his shoulders shrugging like he’s embarrassed by it. “My grandma made it. She wanted to add something to my gift, so…”
“She’s so sweet.” Donghyuck coos and Mark hums as he delicately wraps the soft blue fabric around his neck, leaving it there as he sets the bag aside.
“She likes Mark more than me.”
“So do most people,” Jaemin says gently, patting Chenle on the back with a fake pout on his face. “Not me though, I love you.”
Chenle rolls his eyes and leans into his side a little, which only draws Mark’s eyes up to Donghyuck, who sits beside him on the couch with an excited glimmer in his eyes. He smiles at him and reaches for the little bag that’s sitting on the table in front of him.
Mark has torn into boxes of t-shirts, headphones, books, you name it. And he’s pretty sure he’s gone through all of his friends apart from one because a gift kept getting pushed back by everyone else. Like they were more eager for Mark to see what they brought for them.
He picks it up and looks at the tag, which reads in familiar writing, TO MARK, FROM HYUCK.
Donghyuck reaches over and shakes him a little, his smile turning into a grin as Mark laughs and pulls out the white envelope poking out of the bag. Donghyuck stops shaking him and goes stiff instead, which is quite unlike him, before plucking it right out of Mark’s hands.
“Save the card for last.” He says seriously, which is also quite unlike him, but Mark just nods and takes the card back so he can set it in his lap. And Donghyuck is suddenly less eager as his hands slide down Mark’s side, both hooking around one of his arms loosely. It’s a position they’re never in because although Donghyuck is always touchy, he’s never so gentle with it.
He’s more into laying his whole weight on him in bed, or picking him up even when Mark has said no. And back-hugging way too tight—which Mark actually likes because it makes him feel warm and safe to have someone else’s head on his shoulder or pressed against his spine. It’s just a bonus that it’s Donghyuck.
“I can open the box though, right?” Mark asks as he’s pulling a little gift box out of mounds of tissue paper.
“Yeah. Please do.” Donghyuck says quietly, and to Mark’s surprise, everyone is silent as well.
No voices are talking over each other, no jokes are being cracked. Their eyes are on Mark and Donghyuck like they’re all in on something he isn’t. It makes him a little nervous, and he can’t look at anyone as he pulls the scarf off before fiddling with the lid of the box.
There’s a little bag inside made of soft blue velvet, and Mark picks it up tentatively, feeling the way he’s being watched as he tugs the drawstring open.
“Oh.” He says softly, and Donghyuck’s hold on his arm gets tighter as Mark fishes a ring out with his fingers. “My god…”
There’s a chorus of gasps from their friends as he holds it up, even though it’s nothing fancy—just two delicate silver loops. He slides it onto his index finger, almost surprised at the fact that it’s a perfect fit before remembering that Donghyuck knows every little thing about him. It happens when you’re friends for so long, and you love someone enough to share yourself with them.
“It’s a friendship ring,” Donghyuck says finally, his cheek pressed against Mark’s shoulder before he lifts his own hand. “I figured that this is like, our 15th summer together, so we should probably have something to commemorate it.”
There on Donghyuck’s finger is the same ring.
“That’s really…” Mark gets out softly because he fears if he speaks any louder his voice will break. He blinks hard and fast, looking down at his own hand and willing himself not to feel any shred of disappointment from hearing the word friendship, because that’s what they are. “That’s really special, Hyuck. Thank you.”
Donghyuck is his best friend. Before any of Mark’s stupid feelings—before any of his wants, fears, or hopes. Donghyuck is his best friend, and he never wants that to change.
“Okay, you can open the card now.” Donghyuck points at the envelope with an equally timid voice, and it sort of feels like Mark could hear a pin drop in the room.
And that nervous feeling starts to creep back up inside him. The one he’s had all day because everything Donghyuck does makes him want to scream his love from the rooftops. And if the card was saved for last—after a goddamn ring—he can’t imagine what the boy could have put inside.
He opens it carefully, pulling out a card with a picture of balloons on the front and big sparkly letters that wish him Happy Birthday. He flips it open to reveal a page full of words that overwhelm him for a moment because it’s not like them to get sentimental in such a way. It’s especially not like Donghyuck to get that way in writing because he’s so verbal with his feelings—it’s Mark who has trouble with it and does better with words on paper.
He glances at the boy, but Donghyuck is looking at the card too like he’s reading it for the first time himself. Mark drops his eyes back down.
Mark,
It’s a miracle that you’ve put up with me for so many birthdays. 15 is a lot of years to spend with someone, especially because you go through so many changes from the time you’re a kid to when you turn 23. And I know I haven’t always been easy.
But the thing about us is that we just work. Through everything, we’ve never changed. It’s like the universe knows we’re meant to be friends, even if life is trying to fuck things up. You’ve never left my side, and I don’t ever intend to leave yours.
I think you’ve done more for me than I have for you, and I do want to apologize for that. You’ve taught me so much, and I am so grateful that you’ve been the one to guide me through life for so long. All of this makes it feel like what I’m about to tell you is okay.
Because if you can stick by a person for years, there isn’t much that could tear you apart. And lately, with the way my feelings have been, I’ve felt further away from you than I ever have. I don’t like it, and I feel like confessing to you is the only thing that will bring us closer. And if it doesn’t go the way I want it to, then at least I can hold onto the fact that 15 years is a long time, and something like this isn’t going to break us. It can’t.
I love you, Mark. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, and somewhere along the way, it turned into yearning. To be with you in every sense of the word, because you’re my other half. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, and I don’t want to hide from you like this.
And honestly, it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way because you’re my best friend, and I want to spend forever being your best friend. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever change the fact that I love you like the sun loves the moon. You’re my favourite person in the entire world, no matter what. So don’t be worried about rejecting me or anything. I’d get over it eventually.
I just want you to be happy. As happy as you make me.
So…yeah. Happy Birthday, Mark.
Love, Donghyuck
Mark’s hands are shaking. He can’t feel it, but he can see the way the card is shaking in his grip as he stares down at it. He thinks his whole body might be shaking because when he lets out a rushed exhale it tumbles out of his mouth without much control, weak and rattly.
A pair of hands aren’t holding onto him anymore. His friends are still staring. Donghyuck loves him.
His friends are quiet, and they’re smiling like they knew this all along. Donghyuck loves him.
“You…” Mark tries to say something, but his throat gets tight and he has to swallow back a lump that’s growing in it quickly.
“I know it’s probably a lot, but I figured it was a good time to say it all.” Donghyuck looks impossibly nervous as he stares at Mark, a fake smile plastered across his face as he gestures at the card. “It’s my gift to you—surprise! It’s my heart.”
He laughs weakly, and the room feels awkward again. Mark looks back to the card, the words blurring together as he blinks hard before he’s on his feet and leaving the living room. It’s such an asshole move to abandon his own birthday party right after his best friend seemingly confessed his feelings to him, but Mark thinks he might cry.
He gets to his bedroom at the same time he can hear another set of footsteps coming up the stairs behind him, and he groans as he sits down on the edge of his bed to prepare for a scolding from one of his friends. Head down, he doesn’t see who comes into his room, but he can hear the door shut behind them.
“You are unbelievable.”
“Me?” Mark twists around to look at Donghuck who has his arms crossed over his chest and a wavering expression on his face.
“Yes, you! You’ve been a fucking dick all day!”
Mark turns back around so he doesn't have to look at him, staring at his knees ashamedly. Because Donghyuck did notice that something wasn’t right. And Mark had been lying to himself all day.
Scratch that, half of his life.
“I tried so hard to make sure you had a great birthday, and you’ve just been so miserable…and weird!” Donghyuck is trying to keep his voice down, and the lower he makes it the more it shakes. “Not even a thank you, Mark. And now this? If you don’t like what I wrote in the card, that’s fine, but don’t be fucking mad at me for it!”
Mark shuts his eyes.
“Please don’t be mad at me.”
The floorboards creak as Mark keeps his eyes closed, and the mattress sinks beside him a few seconds later. At first, there’s nothing but a body beside him, but then a pair of arms slide around his torso and his best friend is hugging him. His head is on his shoulder and he’s hugging him like he’s not angry, but just as scared as Mark is over something like this.
“I’m sorry, Mark.”
“You don’t have to say sorry.” Mark croaks out, his throat weak as he slowly returns the embrace. “I love you, I really do.”
The words slip out before he can think, but he doesn’t really want to stop them this time. There’s no point when he knows Donghyuck feels the same way. Still, the fear of what if plagues Mark’s mind as he pulls a little closer, and he squeezes his eyes shut to ask,
“Doesn’t it scare you, though? That we could fuck everything up if we do this?”
“What? Love each other?” Donghyuck’s voice is so close to Mark’s ear, soft and gentle in such a soothing way that his whole body relaxes with it. “Mark, you are worth every risk.”
Suddenly, Mark feels like he’s 8 years old again, profusely apologizing to a chubby-cheeked little kid who’s crying on the front lawn because his fingers got crushed by a bike. He’s 10, racing that same boy on that same bike up and down the street, still a little wobbly on two wheels sometimes. He’s 13 in the school cafeteria, laughing so hard it hurts because the boy is 12 and still hasn’t developed any sense of shame in public, and his favourite thing to do is make Mark laugh. He’s 16, fighting with him because he asked out the girl Mark liked in his junior year, and he’s 17 watching the boy cry when he tells him that liked boys all along, and that he’s sorry. Please don’t be mad at him.
Mark is 19 when he realizes he likes boys too because he was 19 when his heart first started to race when his best friend would touch him. Mark is 19 when he tells Donghyuck this, and he’s still 19 when the boy hugs him and Mark realizes that he’s in love with his best friend.
And here Mark is, 23 years old and still in love with him.
“I don’t wanna lose you,” Mark says into his shoulder, and Donghyuck gives him a reassuring squeeze as the summer sets past the window, blanketing them in warm light.
“You’ll never lose me, Mark.”
“You can’t promise that.” Mark lifts his head, and he’s staring at eyes so familiar that they feel like coming home.
“Sure I can.”
Donghyuck doesn’t say anything else to that, but somehow it’s enough for Mark. Because loving Donghyuck is as easy as an August sunset, and trusting him is easier than breathing.
“I’m sorry I’ve been awful today,” Mark says, and Donghyuck breathes out a laugh as he pinches Mark’s ear fondly, pout playing on his lips. “I get all in my head when you’re nice to me.”
“Why?”
“I think about you,” Mark admits, dropping his head down a little to hide the blush on his cheeks. “I think about laying in bed with you, and how nice it feels when you smile at me. And, you know, touching you. And—”
“Kissing me?” Donghyuck says in a teasing way, wiggling his brows stupidly, like a teenage boy.
“You’re an idiot.” Mark giggles, because he loves him more than he can comprehend.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Donghyuck says, satisfied, and Mark finds his eyes drawn to his lips as he leans in just a little bit.
Donghyuck blinks fast, flickering his eyes to Mark’s mouth as his brows raise high on his face.
“Oh—oh you…okay.” His lips curl back to smile as he pushes forward, meeting Mark in a gentle, tentative kiss. “I’ve been waiting forever for this.”
Mark has too, whether he wants to admit it or not. So as Donghyuck presses closer, he lifts a hand to card through his overgrown hair softly. He goes to part his lips, take that risk and dive right in, but the door to his bedroom clicks as someone opens it.
“Seriously guys, they’re probably—shit!”
Donghyuck yelps, knocking his teeth against Mark’s as he rears his head around to glare at whoever is standing in the doorway, while Mark makes a sound of pain and touches his fingers to his lips in search of blood.
“Jaemin!” Donghyuck exclaims, and Mark glances up to see their friend with his hand clamped right over his eyes but a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Sorry! They wanted me to make sure you weren’t killing each other.”
“We’re fine.”
“I can see that. I told you your letter would work.”
Mark’s stomach plummets and he reaches out a hand to smack Donghyuck’s arm. “Everyone knew?”
“Hey, I needed moral support. They could all see it, anyway. We weren’t exactly subtle.”
Jaemin giggles maniacally, still covering his eyes. “No, you really aren’t.”
Donghyuck rolls his eyes with so much exasperation that Mark almost laughs. “Oh my god, go away.”
Mark notices then, that their hands have somehow intertwined. He gives Donghyuck’s a squeeze, leaning in a little to whisper,
“It is my birthday, we should probably go back.”
Donghyuck looks like he wants to protest, but he settles for planting his lips on Mark’s cheek.
“Alright, fine. It’s looking like I’ve got the rest of my life to kiss you, anyway.”
***
MARK
You knew he wanted to ask me out
Why did you ask if we were together?
JISUNG
because you’re so obvious
i was just making sure i was right
MARK
About what?
JISUNG
that you were just as in love as he was
MARK
I was not that obvious
Right?
Right????