Chapter Text
Meet me at midnight
Beatrice was barely breathing, while trying to listen to the noise coming from outside her room. She knew that it was incredibly stupid and that she should just be resting, especially considering how badly the training went, and how intense the following day's training was going to be. But she could not stop herself, she did not even want to, to be fair.
No noise. Good.
Bea sneaked out of her room, enjoying for a second the quietness and the stillness of the air surrounding her. Darkness had always been her closest friend, something she had never been afraid of. Even when she was younger, she never feared sleeping in a completely dark room, because then she could imagine her room change into whatever she wanted while keeping her eyes open. It was like dreaming while being awake and, considering how little space her parents gave her to imagine things, darkness always helped in reaching that creative part of herself. Moreover, it was in the darkness that she allowed herself be who she really had always been dreaming of being. Nobody can see you in the dark, the shadows will always hide you and protect you from indiscreet eyes, and Beatrice knew it very well.
Growing up, the young woman had also learned how to appreciate the silence of the night. No loud voices, no constant reminders of how imperfect she was, and, especially, no expectations to meet nor requests to answer to. It was only her, her thoughts (most of the time they were scary, but Bea learned pretty quickly how to turn them down or else she was going to turn crazy), and the night - hopefully moonless.
She did not have to think about what root to follow: her feet already knew where to take her (not that it was that far anyway). She walked fast, and in an instant she found herself closing another door behind herself without breaking the perfect silence who was taking over the night.
"Jesus, Bea, you scared me!"
Ava quickly got up from her bed, and walked towards the girl that was now allowing herself to breath normally, without worrying that even a slightly louder exhale would have alerted any of the other Sisters, that were quietly sleeping across the corridor.
"Language." she simply answered, and then proceeded into plopping herself in the space the other girl just left empty. "I do not understand why your bed is comfier then mine, I have been here for longer than anyone else."
"That's because I am the Halo Bearer." replied Ava, who was looking at her with a half worried and half annoyed look on her face. "Who, by the way, is supposed to be resting right now."
"It's not like yesterday you didn't do the exact same thing." answered Beatrice, and Ava couldn't do anything else other than drop her shoulders, admitting her guilt. Then, she proceeded in following the girl and she lied down next to her, even thought the bed was so small they couldn't exactly fully fit in it without either starting a cuddly session, or facing each other while lying down on the side. They opted for the former.
Staring at the ceiling with you
Oh, you don't ever say too much
And you don't really read into
My melancholia
Beatrice liked the silence between them, and she enjoyed the way Ava randomly broke their bubble with a joke that was arguably one of the worst she had ever heard, but that never failed to make her struggle to hide her giggle. She knew that Ava was trying extra hard to cheer her up, in those moments. She also knew that Ava did not know how else to help Bea, considering how her emotional intelligence was scarily close and similar to that of a seven year old girl.
She did, however, find herself wishing in multiple different occasions that Ava would go beyond cracking a dad-joke, fighting her way through putting a smile on the other girl's face. She wished that she would simply ask. But, to be fair, Bea did not have a complete answer to the questions she was longing for, either.
Little did she know that Ava, that was currently hugging the girl lying on her chest, was wondering about the same things. She knew that Bea needed more space, but she did not know to what extent she was supposed to give it to her. She did not understand what her place was in their relationship, but she did not know how to question it to her, without making her panic. Without pushing her into looking for answers that she might have not been ready to find, yet.
So she preferred joking about anything really, while stroking the other girl's hair, and trying to make her understand through her jokes that she was there, by her side, no matter what. But damn, she would've given anything to know more. To understand more.
To be fair, everybody already knew. Everybody, except them. Everybody saw the way Bea looked at Ava while she was looking away, and everybody saw how they both sighed whenever Bea looked away a moment before Ava looked at her, and Ava did not manage to meet her gaze. They were fighting a fake fight, against something that they created for themselves: Beatrice was fighting against the feelings for her best friend that was clearly straight; Ava was fighting against the feelings for her best friend that was clearly struggling with her sexuality, especially considering how she was literally a nun in a convent.
Little did they know that Ava was definitely not straight, and if Bea worked up the courage to ask her (or simply payed a bit of attention to all the times Ava tried extra hard to make her laugh, or wanted to reach her hand whenever they were talking, or hugged her a couple of seconds extra just to fully grasp her scent), she would discover that Ava actually never questioned her sexuality because she already knew that she was bisexual ever since she saw Wendie Rosenberg Mekkena in Sister Act. But then, at the same time, if Ava were to ask Bea about her sexuality, she would find out that she had gone through the self-discovery path even before taking her vows, and that the Order of the Cruciform Sword did not include chastity in their vows. Basically, Bea was allowed to do whatever the Hell she wanted.
But in the end, as Sister Camila often muttered under her breath whenever she finished hearing Beatrice go on a ten minutes long rant about how amazing Ava is, knowing that she was about to hear the same things from Ava about Bea, they were both simply "useless lesbians that have no clue of how to approach their crush."
So, instead of talking, they spent another night in each other's arms, with their minds full of thoughts, but their hearts full of love for each other. In a way, they both knew it already. But admitting that whatever was happening between them was real was too scary, too risky even, especially considering the position they were in (literally fighting a Holy War and with the risk of Hell Rising any minute now). Cuddling was so much easier and, in a way, so much nicer.
So Beatrice broke her stare into the ceiling and looked up at Ava, meeting her gaze, and with a shy smile she hugged her a little more tightly. Ava reciprocated the hug, and couldn't stop herself from giving her a kiss on the top of her head.
I've been under scrutiny (yeah, oh yeah)
You handle it beautifully (yeah, oh yeah)
All this shit is new to me (yeah, oh yeah)
The biggest source of stress, for Ava, were the training sessions with Mary and Lilith. Mother Superion often came to see them in order to assess her progress. Ava felt like she was going through a daily test: if she did not pass it, she was going to let everybody down, especially herself (or worse, Beatrice).
Despite all her efforts of hiding these emotions, Beatrice already knew. She also witnessed the trainings, but from afar. She did not want Ava to know that she was also attending her closed-door trainings, especially because she feared she was going to be distracted by her presence (and mostly because she did not want to be questioned on this, considering how she was supposed to complete her tasks, rather than waste her time by simply watching).
That day, Beatrice knew better than any other day that Ava was trying too hard in order not to fail. She could see the force Ava put into every move, and she saw the way she struggled to hide even the slightest hint of pain behind a stone cold face. She recognised all those emotions by the way she was pressing her lips against each other, and by how quickly her chest was moving in order to get as much air as possible, without looking as if she desperately needed a break to breathe in the proper way.
Beatrice got nervous the moment Ava teleported herself across the mat to avoid a couple of strong hits from both Mary and Lilith and, instead of attacking right away, she stopped for a second to inhale. Ava learned how to get used to teleporting herself at least two months ago, it was the easiest part of the training.
Then why did it take her so much effort?
The moment Ava got hit straight in the face, and she did not manage to avoid the punch as she always did by making her upper body dissolve in the air just to reappear one instant later to answer with another punch, Beatrice decided to step in.
"Stop it. She needs a break."
Lilith and Mary immediately turned around, while Ava brought her hand to her nose to stop the flow of blood coming out from her nostrils.
"No, I don't. It's okay. I will heal in a second, I am okay." she answered immediately, and instead of applying pressure to the injure she immediately got in position to start the fight again.
"You're still bleeding, the Halo is not healing you fast enough. We do not need you to get hurt more and then have you spending the entire night healing instead of resting." answered immediately Beatrice.
"She's right, you know. Even though it's fun and all to kick your ass you do need a break. You were slower today." Lilith said, while moving backwards towards the opposite side of the math to reach her bottle of water.
Ava's shoulders dropped immediately and Bea knew that those were the wrong words to use in order to convince her to stop.
"She was not slower, you were in two today. You only practiced two against one only once before." she decided to answer. She knew that it meant that her little secret just got exposed, but the way Ava looked at her was worth way more than her pride.
"How do you know that? These are closed-door trainings." asked Mary, speaking for the first time.
"I have been observing. I am comparing the way the Halo Bearer is training to the old ways that were used by previous Halo Bearers. I am focusing my research on finding the best and most effective ways of training Ava as fast as possible without hurting her or the Halo." she immediately replied, and Ava immediately knew that it was a lie. Beatrice sucked at lying, really.
Luckily, nobody replied to that remark. Rather, Ava finally allowed herself to sit down and accepted the bottle of water that Mary offered her. She still felt like she was actually sucking more than the other days, and that made her feel like a failure. In a way, it was a new feeling for her. Spending most of your life lying down, surrounded by horrible people that try to make you feel like a failure, makes you fully indifferent to other people's opinions. It's not like you can live up to their expectations while not being able to lift your own head, anyway. But now, she can do whatever she wants. Hell, she literally has superpowers. And the people around her believe in her. For the first time in her life, Ava was surrounded by people that cared for her, meaning she could disappoint them.
Beatrice knew what was going on in the girl's head, she knew her good enough already. So, instead of saying much, she just kneeled next to her and started giving her words of advice. She suggested different ways of holding her hands in a defence position, and showed her quickly how to avoid getting hit whenever she could not use the Halo's power. She used these explanations as an excuse to hold her hands, to get closer to her, and finally to give her an encouragement hug.
The moment the training started again, Ava could say that she definitely felt better.
I feel a lavender haze creeping up on me
So real, I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say
No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me
I just wanna stay in that lavender haze
(Ooh, ooh, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa)
"Why can't you just tell her, once and for all?" Sister Camila's patience was starting to leave her system. It did not matter how much she prayed in her head while she was listening to the same monologues over and over again, the words still reached her ears and she could not take it anymore.
Ava this, Ava that... or Bea this, Bea that...
"Because she doesn't like me back." Beatrice replied. "She's straight. I already told you this."
"And you know this because...?"
Beatrice did not have an answer. She never asked Ava, but at this point, after months of knowing her, it felt awkward to ask her about her sexuality. Also, she only heard about this one guy, a JB or JC or whatever, and Ava never mentioned any girls. But when she expressed her thoughts, Camila did not meet her reasoning at all.
"So you're basically assuming her sexuality based on the experiences that she had in one single week of being able to walk." she pointed out. "I would not be surprised if this guy turned out to be the only experience just because he was the first one she saw and she was horny as Hell after spending all her teenage years stuck in a bed where she could not please herself in any way other than by using her imagination."
"Oh my Goodness, Camila!" Beatrice blushed immediately at the thought of Ava now being able to touch herself. "This is so inappropriate. I was definitely not expecting this answer from you."
"And I was definitely not expecting to hear about Ava 24/7 for the past 5 months, while she is clearly heads over heels in love with you. You really are blind, and deaf, and probably completely unaware of the amount of times she touches you, sometimes." she complained one last time, and then she left the room before Beatrice could reply to that observation.
Ava in love with her?
Beatrice could not believe it.
But then, Camila mentioned her blindness, deafness, her inability too... Did Ava actually touch her so many times? Did she really not notice? And to say that she felt fire running through her veins whenever their skins touched would be an understatement... Then why did she not realise how often the girl offered her more attention than to the other sisters? Beatrice always thought that Ava was simply being friendly, that she acted that way towards everybody else. She did not see herself as getting a special treatment, let alone the treatment of love.
But Beatrice let her mind wander regardless, incapable of stopping herself anymore.
Suddenly, she was back to the first time Ava went to her room at night. It was after a long day of training, and Beatrice was tired. She was already sleeping, when she felt the mattress bend a bit under the other girl's weight, and when she opened her eyes to meet the other girl's, she realised she could not ask. Instead she offered her a hug, that was largely welcomed. To be precise, not only Ava hugged her. She even profoundly inhaled the moment her nose touched her neck, and while it did feel a bit weird, Beatrice could not help but feel warmness spread across her body like a fire.
Ava was in her arms, and she was asking for her comfort.
That's when Bea knew that she was in love. But maybe, that was also when Ava realised that she was in love too.
All they keep asking me (all they keep asking me)
Is if I'm gonna be your bride
The only kind of girl they see (the only kind of girl they see)
Is a one night or a wife
"You know, if you keep looking at her any longer you might consume her." Lilith giggled at her own joke, and then proceeded in biting her apple.
Ava moved her gaze towards the girl sitting next to her, and tried to hide her blush. "I do not look at her all the time."
"And I am a millionaire." replied Sister Camila, joining Lilith in a small laughter.
"Well, technically, the Church is a millionaire. And since you are part of the Church, you have access to their money you are a millionaire too." replied Ava, looking down to her plate of food, without actually starting to eat it.
"Wow, that must have been the dumbest thing you have ever said." Camila laughed, and shook her head. "Just because I work for and with someone that is rich that does not make me one as well. Or else capitalism would not be a thing and the world would be such a better place!"
Ava shrugged her shoulders and decided to not reply. Instead, she decided to rely on her favorite activity: looking at Beatrice from afar. She loved noticing all the small details about the girl: the way she always kept her back straight, maintaining a perfect position; the way she pushed her glasses up and down her nose, a small habit that she found out she started doing sometimes even when she was not wearing them; the way she ate her dishes in a specific order, without mixing the different foods displayed, and following the order from less enjoyable to most delicious; the way...
"Earth calls Halo Barer Ava, is she with us?"
Ava blushed profusely for the billionth time since the beginning of their lunch break. She could not stand her friends anymore, and she was starting to hate the fact that Bea had to sit somewhere else to help the new recruits integrate themselves in the OCS. If she was there, next to her, her friends would not have made so much fun of her and she would've been able to look at her from even closer and maybe hold her hand sometimes.
"Leave me alone, you're not funny." she replied, and then finally proceeded to eat her food, that was now cold and looking sadly back at her.
"Just promise you're going to invite us to the wedding and we're going to shut up, for now." Mary joked, and Lilith nodded vigorously in approval. "We promise we're not going to cause any turmoil and we're not even going to cheer the moment you both finally say the I dos."
"Talk for yourself." Sister Camila lightly slapped Mary's arm. "I will be the loudest."
At this point, Ava looked like a tomato. She could not stop her mind from wandering across time and universes, thinking about the possibility of her and Beatrice getting married. The thought alone made her feel sick in the stomach, a good kind of sick, but she could not let them know.
"Oh shut up."
Then, without adding anything more, she simply picked up her bag and left the canteen, leaving her food untouched.
It was no surprise, then, when Beatrice left outside her bedroom door some fruits borrowed from the canteen.
I find it dizzying (yeah, oh yeah)
They're bringing up my history (yeah, oh yeah)
But you aren't even listening (yeah, oh yeah)
Despite they were literally living in a convent sharing everything about each other's days, the Sisters often met to talk about them, and to simply spend time together to unify their community and to make it stronger. Sometimes they sang together, Camila played some random tunes at the piano and soon other Sisters would join to sing along, while some other times they played board games together.
That night, they were all too tired to do anything else other thank talk about their past lives. Talking about the past had always been a hard topic to reach, between them, but somehow everybody still knew almost everything about each other anyway. As Beatrice said to Ava on her first week, they all had a past, secrets that were theirs alone. But none of that mattered when they realised that it was not about them, and that sometimes, sharing is better than finding yourself fighting on your own.
The best option, then, was to share random fun facts about their past life, in order to keep the mood lighter. Nobody ever shared deep emotions, but everybody always found out something new about each other. It was till some kind of a bonding experience, but while maintaining each other's privacies. And all the Sisters valued their privacy most in their world.
For that reason, Bea was shifting uncomfortably in her seat while Sister Camila, Lilith and Mary were sharing things about her teenage past with Ava, that she would've preferred keeping from her at least for a little while longer, as she did not want to look as if she was pressuring some topics among them.
"Oh my God, you absolutely have to see the pictures of Beatrice taking her vows. They're hilarious." Mary was laughing at the memory.
"Oh come on, not the pictures..." Beatrice murmured under her breath, but her friends did not hear the comment, or simply chose to ignore it.
"Oh yeah Ava, you're going to love those bangs. It was hideous, literally the classic Bri'ish embarrassing bangs that everybody hates but for some reason the people in Britain still wear with pride." Lilith shook her head. Beatrice really did look horrible in them.
"And the best part are the expressions. The first day she was in here she was definitely having a gay crisis. I am so mad I did not witness it, I would literally give anything." Sister Camila snorted remembering those pictures and the stories they told her about it.
"Oh yeah, she was so fucking into that Yasmine girl, it was almost painful to watch." commented Lilith.
Beatrice shifted uncomfortably on her seat. She was not ashamed of her sexuality or embarrassed of her past or anything (okay, maybe a little), but she was uncomfortable with the fact that she did not know what Ava's reaction to the entire conversation could've been. She hated that part of coming out the most, especially if you have been out for ages and you meet someone new, but then you don't mention it fast enough. It feels like you had been hiding it, or maybe you don't trust them enough, or maybe you aren't comfortable with your sexuality. All of the options were not the truth, and even though Beatrice was aware of that, she did not know whether Ava might have thought any of those things too.
It took her a couple of instants to collect her courage and to look at the girl sitting next to her, to try to understand from the look on her face, if she was okay with it or if there was something wrong about it. But, the moment she lifted her gaze to meet Ava's, she found her eyes to be completely absorbed by her, or at least something that she had on her face.
"Hey, Ava, is everything okay?" she decided to ask.
"No shhh! You're distracting me! I was counting your freckles, I made it to 200 and now I lost count because you moved too fast!" the other girl complained while dropping her shoulders. "Damn it, I'll have to start again."
"Language!" replied immediately Sister Camila. "Weren't you listening at all?"
"Huh? What? No, have you look at her?" she answered while pointing at Beatrice, that was now trying her hardest to hide her blush, again. "She's way too distracting for me. I would not be able to handle whatever was going on here."
The other girls laughed, and Beatrice didn't know how to fully react to that statement. A small part of her wished that was the time Ava found out about her sexuality, so if she was not going to be okay with it there would not have been any kind of big fuss about. But then, at the same time, Ava's comment made her heart start beating at a billion times per minute, and she knew that if she did not find a way to calm herself down in a couple of seconds, she would've exploded.
Instead, she decided to smile shyly towards the girl sitting next to her, and Ava couldn't help herself but smile back while reaching her hand. She squeezed it briefly, and then she let it go immediately, but both girls felt the tingling on their skin for at least a couple of seconds longer.
I feel a lavender haze creeping up on me
So real, I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say
No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me
I just wanna stay in that lavender haze (ooh, ooh, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa)
That lavender haze
That night, as every other before that one for the past couple of weeks, Ava and Beatrice found themselves sharing the same bed. This time, it was Beatrice's.
Ava was the only with the head lying on Bea's chest, and the other girls was hugging her with her strong arms. She was holding her as close as possible, and Ava felt that she was holding her a bit more tightly than usual, but she did not ask questions. Once again, she preferred just moving closer to her side and enjoying the quietness between them. She inhaled her scent and sighed softly.
"What?"
Ava shrugged her shoulders, and took her time before answering. Instead, she reached one of Beatrice's hands, and found her fingers a new home, between the other girl's ones. She felt the safety they radiated, she felt the softness of the skin under her fingertips, and the warmth between their two palms meeting each other.
"I think you're what people would call home, Bea."
Talk your talk and go viral
I just need this love spiral
Get it off your chest
Get it off my desk (get it off my desk)
Talk your talk and go viral
I just need this love spiral
Get it off your chest
Get it off my desk
Ava looked at the piece of paper in front of her, and shook her head. She was never going to be able to say everything she planned in that little piece of paper. It was not going to be enough, she was going to forget about something. Moreover, she did not have enough time to actually write it all. To be fair, she didn't even know whether she was going to be able to say everything she wanted even if she had an entire lifetime at her feet, one she was not sure she had anyway.
Dear Bea
At least she had her first line. The first line of her goodbye letter, in case something happened, in case she was not going to come back with her, after the fight.
Ava sighed loudly, and looked outside the window. She did not have a lot of time before Beatrice came back from Mother Superion's office. She had to be quick, or else she was going to find out about it and she was never going to be able to keep going with her plan.
Dear Bea,
I love you.
Well, now she had two lines. Better than nothing.
Ava shook her head another time, and put away her pen and that piece of paper. The final letter could have waited a bit longer anyway. She could've written it later that night, after coming back from Beatrice's room (yes, she already was planning of sneaking into her room, again). It was going to be a "future she" problem, and Ava did not want to think about the future. Not that future. No, she wanted to think about a future with Beatrice by her side, instead. That was definitely going to be a much more pleasant way of spending her time.
In the back of her mind, she knew she had to do it, eventually. She had to tell her how she felt, at least admit it once, before everything went to shit. She did not want Beatrice to think that she was fully careless (even though her plan kinda was careless, but Ava was too full of pride to admit it), rather, she was too in love to think about the consequences.
Whatever she was about to do, was for Beatrice and Beatrice only, and she needed for her to know. Whatever it was going to take her.
I feel (I feel) a lavender haze creeping up on me
So real, I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say
No deal (no deal), the 1950s shit they want from me
I just wanna stay in that lavender haze
(Ooh, ooh, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa)
Get it off your chest
Get it off my desk
That lavender haze
I just wanna stay
I just wanna stay
In that lavender haze