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the only thing lucifer feels is shame. shame at himself for not protecting lilith, shame for not protecting his siblings after getting them caught up in this, shame for not winning, shame for falling, shame for reducing himself to nothing but another whimpering mass on the ground, pleading for a life that isn’t even his, for a life that’s already damned.
he tries his best to ignore it, of course, for the sake of his sanity. had he been alone, he’d be more than willing to wallow in his mistakes and let them eat him from the inside out, as he would deserve. but he’s not alone, and so he can spare no attention to his own head - which, while just as self-destructive, allows him to lie to himself. it’s much easier to deny its existence when he lies about it so easily that he ends up fooling himself a few times.
everything is fine, he tells himself, acting like he’s lived here for his whole life; everything is fine, he thinks while barely looking at his siblings, too ashamed to even look them in the eyes and own up to his actions; everything is fine, he believes while pointedly ignoring the golden eyes burning into the back of his head, tension so strained he feels like he’s one fall away from snapping it in half. everything is fine, everything is fine, everything is fine.
(he’s well aware of how pathetic and cowardly it is. but he doesn’t stop despite the destruction toward his pride, as it seems he didn’t deserve it to begin with. at least he doesn’t have to think about he won’t ever forgive himself.)
this mantra, however, doesn’t last long.
lucifer doesn’t remember much that led up to this, but he remembers being called into the prince’s castle. something under the guise of starting to settle into hell officially and learning the rules, but he found himself unable to concentrate on anything diavolo said, instead set on edge by his unrelenting stare and the way he ever-so-slightly kept shifting closer. barbatos hovers over the prince’s shoulder, gloved hands stiff, sleeve riding up just enough for lucifer to catch a glimpse of deep purple before it falls back into place.
he barely has time to register it before diavolo says something else, no doubt noticing lucifer’s eyes dart behind him. he calls lucifer by name, and - though phrased like a question - demands: “now, you do fully understand your end of our… deal, right?”
he should have expected this to come up. “i believe so, but may i ask what it completely involves? you never made it clear.”
“oh, of course!” the prince laughs, light but edged with an ominous undertone. “well, it means you work under me now. as compromise, you get the house of lamentation for you and your brothers to stay in.”
lucifer’s eyes narrow. barbatos shuffles slightly. “surely that isn’t all of it? no magic?”
a pause. “you work under me now,” diavolo repeats, smile never leaving his face, “it’s up to you if you want to figure the extent out for yourself, but i need you to understand: this doesn’t have to be difficult.”
“you’re aware that i’m not one to break so easy?” lucifer snaps, now fed up. his grief and self-hatred are no longer visible, overshadowed by innate need to scrape up some power. barbatos’ eyes widen, going unnoticed. “just because we made that deal doesn’t mean i’m going to roll over.”
“oh, i know,” the prince says, taking a moment to draw out the silence, “but i expected better of you than to think i’d aim for you. after all -” he rises out of his seat, presence huge and overwhelming, “wouldn’t it be a shame if anything happened to your brothers?”
lucifer’s mouth snaps shut, nerves freezing as if he’d just been shoved into a pool of icy water. suddenly it feels like there's nobody else in the room, just him and the prince locked in deadly eye contact. diavolo did not hesitate, nor stutter, nor blink, voice steady and eyes radiating the same fake warmth that’s done nothing but make lucifer want to do anything to get away from it.
but eventually, lucifer looks down. “...if it must be, then.”
“great!” diavolo moves to pat him on the shoulder, and he has to stop himself from physically twisting away, nausea rising in his stomach. “that should cover everything then. i hope we won't have any problems down the road!”
he laughs again, then calls out barbatos' name. the butler jumps, quickly hiding its sorrowful expression with a forced smile. "lead him back to the house of lamentation," the prince orders, "we can't have any lower demons attacking him on the way back."
a small nod in confirmation. lucifer just stands, unable to fully register what happened, and follows barbatos blindly outside of the castle. the wind instantly hits him in the face, forcing air back into his lungs, and it's now that he realizes he's dangerously close to vomiting.
barbatos walks in silence. but soon enough, he says, "i… deeply apologize for what just happened."
lucifer can only tilt his head to stare at it.
"i'm afraid to say it's not a bluff," barbatos' eyes lower, "which is why i felt the need to reach out to you. he's always been like this, and i dread watching another person fall under the same trap as myself."
a deep sigh. lucifer stops in place for a moment to put his head in his hands, exhaling with more force than needed. "...fine. fine, then. i can put up with it for long enough."
"then do you mean -?"
"i'll help you."
something close to relief shows barbatos' face. "i cannot thank you enough," he says, glancing in front of him to notice the house of lamentation in view. "i'll sincerely try my best to help you and your siblings."
lucifer sighs again, walking up to the gate. "i… have a lot to think about right now. goodnight, barbatos."
"then goodnight to you too, lucifer," barbatos dips his head in reply before turning back, and lucifer is suddenly reminded of what he saw earlier. the gate swings back in its place, heavy and creaking loudly, but not enough to drown out the realization that barbatos will likely get more bruises because of him.
yet another thing he won't forgive himself for.