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He’s sitting on the bed, head bowed, and he looks smaller than she’s ever seen him. Lily’s heart beats wildly, a hummingbird trying to escape its cage, and she hesitates, feeling as if she’s intruding into a private moment. He always shines as bright as the sun, warming her with his presence alone, and now that he’s so vulnerable she feels the urge to run to him, to offer him comfort, to offer everything she has to give, but she isn’t sure he’d allow it. Or even worse, he’d allow it out of politeness, making her feel the worst person in the world. But it isn’t about her, is it? It’s this last thought that propels her forward and her hand trembles as she reaches for his shoulder.
James raises his head and his eyes latch on her, wide and glassy with tears, staring at her as if she holds the answer he’s desperately looking for. He looks so lost and Lily can’t handle it, she can’t hold his gaze any longer so she bends down to hug him, to hide her own tears from his searching eyes.
It’s a balancing act, the tender feelings she keeps locked in her heart and the friendly façade she wears around him. As she clings to him, his breath fanning her neck, his warm and damp cheek pressed against hers, she has the sudden thought that it would be such a betrayal to tell him the truth now, she’d be a liar, a fraud. She’s been taking advantage of his trusting nature to bask in his presence, to muss his hair, to tease him, safe in the notion that he believes her to be his friend.
She closes her eyes, shutting the world out and willing her brain to stop, to leave her be, to leave them be, because her feelings, her betrayal, are so insignificant now when all that matters is him, his pain, his loss, his need to be held and when she feels him pull back she has to force herself to brave his stare. They are so close that a strand of his hair brushes her forehead and she feels him lean forward and that’s all she’s wanted for months, but her heart breaks because he can’t possibly want her in the way she wants him, he can’t love her how she loves him and she distantly wonders if she’s strong enough to turn away, to deny him. Deep down she knows there’s no choice to make and she gently cups his cheek, giving him permission, encouragement . Her eyes are wide and earnest and she silently begs him to read her feelings in them, so she won’t have to be brave enough to speak them out loud, but his eyes flutter closed and her heart sinks.
He’s so beautiful like this. His softness makes her fall in love with him all over again and if she doesn’t think too hard she can even fool herself into thinking the yearning she can read in his face is for her.