Work Text:
Disrespectful smokers;
Line cutters;
Slime ASMR videos.
You see, the list of things Kieran White hated more than being interrupted while sketching was fairly short. That’s why, when a loud vibration disrupted his concentration, he let his phone ring all the way through, without bothering to check who dared to interfere with his sacred ritual.
Until it rung again.
And again.
On the third try he gave in and got up, surprised to see that the nuisance came from an unknown number.
“Hello?”
“Will!, it was about time you answered! Did Kym break into your house to bake watermelon cake or what?”
“Huh, I—“ he tried to explain that he wasn’t, in fact, Will, but the voice that had just greeted him cut him off before he could even begin.
“You have no idea what just happened!” Said voice huffed. “That asshole Hermann failed me!”
A dramatic pause, before “FAILED! ME!”
Kieran debated for a second whether to indulge the harried person on the other side of the phone or not: he was starting to get in the zone with his artwork, but on the other hand…
“Ouch?” He offered tentatively.
“Yeah, ouch! Can you believe him? He’s obviously had it out for me ever since the course started, but I didn’t think he’d steep this low!”
“What did he do?”
“You know how I came on campus today to discuss my final grade? Well, he refused to acknowledge his own damned typo and said I should have been able to interpret the question either way! Interpret! Since when has statistics been subject to interpretation?!”
“Well, that’s…” he was about to argue that data is, indeed, subject to interpretation –that’s the whole point of studying statistics—, but his survival instincts suggested that it wouldn’t do him any good.
“That old fart!! Now I’ll have to re-take his shitty exam! As if I hadn’t already had enough of his misogynistic ass after that first argument!”
“What argument?”
“The one where I refuted his bullshit women-are-not-made-for-STEM theory and he told me I was biased.” She exclaimed with disgust. “Keep up, Hawkes! I’ve told you about it countless times. Shall I promote Kym to my one and only best friend, after all? The woman’s been coming for your position for ages now.”
“Sorry, sorry. I’ll be more attentive. I’ve become quite attached to the title.”
“You better. Anyways, just thinking about that asshole riles me up all over again. Can’t he just… analyse his stupid graphics and shut the fuck up already?!”
“Oh, but if he did there would be no more enraged ladies to fail his course and prove him right!”
“A-ha, funny. Did you develop a sense of humor overnight or what?”, the voice deadpanned.
“I’ve actually always had it. It’s one of my best qualities, alongside comforting random people on the phone.”
“What do you mean random people? You’re—”
A beat of silence.
Did she finally realise?, he wondered, leaning on his chair.
“...you’re not William, are you?”
“I’m afraid not, darling.” Kieran couldn’t help but chuckle at her distraught tone.
“Fuck. That’s why you sounded weird.” The voice sighed, before fully grasping what she had just said. “I mean, I’m not saying your voice is weird or anything, I just meant—”
“I know, I know.”
“Did I already say sorry?”
“Not really, no.”
“Fuck.”
“That, you did say. But worry not, it’s been interesting. Listening to your rants, I mean.”
“Oh, wow, good to know my shitty mornings are at least of some entertainment.”
Her resigned sigh made him full-on laugh. “How did you even end up calling the wrong number, anyway? Don’t people, you know, save their friends’ contact informations on their phones?”
“No, yeah, I know. It’s just that… I’m a Criminology major, okay? I have to remember them. How embarrassing-slash-naïve would it be if I had to rely on my phone contacts to call my friends in an emergency? Please.”
“Oh. You’ve got a point.”
“I know!” Kieran could only hear some shuffling on the other side of the line, and a bell chiming a few seconds later. “Hold on.”
He got up and moved to his bed, trying to decipher what was going on, but the only thing he heard was a muffled “Thanks, bye!”.
“What was that?”
“I went to get my morning coffee.”
“Huh. Isn’t it almost noon?”
“And? It’s the first coffee of the day, how else am I supposed to call it?”
“Regular coffee? Afternoon coffe? Or, hear me out, a coffee you probably shouldn’t even drink considering how flustered you sound?”
She clicked her tongue. “Are you sure you’re not actually William? Because you’re starting to sound like him.”
“Sorry love, no chance.”
“Too bad, I could’ve sworn the motherly instincts were his. Anyways, it’s not like I intentionally waited till now to get my main source of sustainment.”
“Why is it, then?”
“Well, I would have gone to the cafeteria to get some, but there were people in the hallway setting up the space for an art exhibition, and a bunch of students were assaulting the outdoors café because they’re selling tickets to the event, and I was already late and… ugh, I swear to god, that prick manages to get on my nerves even when he’s not there.”
“Wait, what am I missing? Who’s the prick?”
“Oh, yeah, right. You don’t know. So, there’s this Kieran guy —he’s an Art major at my college. Some of his pieces are going to be displayed at the exhibition, and the collective student population seems to have lost their minds. I mean… sure, the man’s hot, but he’s insufferable, I tell you. I will never understand making such a fuss to see him.”
“Is he really that bad?”
“Oh, you have no idea.”
He heard some rustling on the other side —what the hell was going on with this woman? Was she unable to stand still for a minute?
“I went to that same exhibition last year, when I still had no idea who he was —oh, such fun times! I was minding my business, looking at an abstract painting, when he approached me and went ‘You know, your expression reminds me of that one annoyed chihuahua meme’. I was so baffled I didn’t even know what to say!” A grimace and the sound of a door slamming followed. “Who even approaches someone like that? What a dick!”
“Couldn’t he have been flirting with you?”
The voice, which Kieran could now confidently say belonged to one Lauren Sinclair, laughed heartily. “Who? Kieran-too-good-for-dating-White? You’ve got to be kidding me. The closest thing to flirting I’ve seen him do is making doe eyes to the library lady to avoid a late return fee. Besides, what kind of idiot flirts like that?”
“An… awkward idiot?”
“Yeah, no. I’m telling you, he’s a menace.”
“Does the man have no redeeming qualities at all?”
“Huh. The only salvageable thing about him is his art, really. It pains me to admit that he’s actually good at something, but his carbon sketches are remarkable.”
“Oh?” Kieran snickered at the admission, grabbing the pencil he had been fidgeting with. “Is that so? I could have sworn I heard you say they looked patchy and average at best.”
“Well, it’s not like I could admit— Wait.”
The line fell silent for a few seconds, and Kieran started to worry he might have taken it too far with the teasing.
“Lauren, you still there?”
All he got as an acknowledgment was a furious (and arguably hilarious) shriek. “You— You asshole!!”
“Oh, there you are! I was starting to think Hermann eventually came to get you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me it was you from the beginning?!”
“Well, I did try, but you didn’t really let me. It was fun though, I gotta admit.”
“Since when?”
“‘When’ what?”
“When did you realise it was me you were talking to, moron?”
“I’ve had my suspicions since you mentioned Kym and Will, but you just confirmed them with the whole exhibition story.”
The groan that followed could probably have been heard by the real Will. “God, I can’t believe I wasted half an hour of my life talking to you, of all people!”
A loud gasp. “You wound me, love! It wasn’t that terrible, now, was it?”
“Sure, if you say so.”
Silence followed again —and the end of the conversation, too, Kieran feared.
“So…” he started.
“What more do you want?”
“You think I’m hot?” He was pretty sure Lauren could hear the smirk in his voice, despite not being able to see it on his face.
“That’s all you got from this conversation? Seriously?” (Was that a whiny tone he was hearing?) “You’ll never let me live this down, will you?”
“Nope!” He gleefully popped his P.
“You really are insufferable.”
“Mh-mh!” Despite Lauren’s harsh words, to say Kieran was beaming would have been an understatement. “Now that I think about it, though, there is a way I could change my mind.” It never hurt to try, did it?
“And that would be…?”
“Let me buy you lunch? You know, since I’m beginning to doubt you’ve ever willingly ingested anything other than coffee.”
She considered him for a second; her voice was flat, almost suspicious when she answered. “Why would you? I’ve been insulting you for the last ten minutes.”
“You sure are dense for a Criminology major. I already told you I was flirting with you, didn’t I?”
“Urgh.”
“So? What do you say?”
“Will you really not tease me for this conversation if I agree?”
“Maybe.”
“Is that supposed to be an incentive? ’Cause it’s not working.”
“I’ll buy you a coffee?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Great! See you in an hour, then.”
“What? I never said that—”
“At the central café, on campus.”
“Will you listen to me for a sec—”
“Don’t be late!”
Beep!