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Whenever he looked out of his office doors, Chandler’s eyes would usually find their rest on the youngest team member. It was a safe place for him to look. He was the only one on the team that seemed to have faith in Chandler. The only one who didn’t sneer and make comments about him behind his back when they thought he didn’t hear them. The only one who didn’t seem to take it as a threat to be challenged when they saw him look their way. Kent was diligent. He simply kept his head down and went on with his work as best he could when the others in the team weren’t pestering him. Chandler had on several occasions wanted to interfere, but considering the team’s opinion of him, it was bound to only make things worse. Besides, Kent seemed used to it, and cracked on with his job no matter what they threw at him. Sometimes literally. The only thing that seemed to shake him was when he occasionally glanced up at Chandler to find him already looking. Without fail he’d get an intense look of surprise in his eyes and look away as quickly as he could. Chandler noticed how he’d tense up as he continued his work. He knew it could be intimidating to know your boss was watching you, so Chandler tried to let his eyes wander more, but they always found their way back to him somehow.
*
Chandler looked up from rearranging his desk, and quirked a smile, as he caught Kent doing the same. He knew Kent would never admit it, so he’d never mention that he’d noticed. Besides, he found it flattering and he worried that if Kent knew that he knew, he’d stop doing it. He wasn’t worried about Kent noticing him looking his way. He’d long since learned to glance about the room in such a way that no one thought he was keeping an eye on them specifically, and for the most part he wasn’t, but sometimes he couldn’t help but look at Kent and think about how lucky he was to have him on his team. They understood each other like no other person he’d ever worked with. They could communicate with only glances and immediately get what the other one was thinking, and Chandler knew he could always count on Kent to follow him anywhere. If there was one thing he could trust, it was that Kent was on his side.
*
Chandler resisted the urge to rearrange his desk again. Miles was bound to give him an intervention any moment, and though it might be warranted, he wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. His eyes sought out the support he was so used to having, but when they landed on Kent’s desk, it was empty, and Chandler’s stomach tied itself in knots at the sight. He still couldn’t understand how Kent could have betrayed them. He got that he’d been hurt and threatened, but when he’d said that out of everyone, he really wished it hadn’t been him, he meant it. He took a swig of whisky. It burned down his throat. Miles was sure to comment on this as well, but it was the only thing that kept him from spiralling completely out of control now that his stability had been broken. There were few truths he found himself able to rely on in life, and until earlier that day, Kent’s unwavering loyalty had been one of them. He took another swig, a larger one, as he recalled the hurt look on Kent’s face when he realised that Chandler thought he was the mole. He wished it hadn’t been him. He really wished it hadn’t.
*
A loud bout of laughter was heard as Chandler’s three DCs entered the room. He glanced up to see Mansell bent over laughing, while holding himself steady with a hand on Kent’s shoulder. Kent’s face was beautifully lit up in a bright grin while Riley mumbled something about Mansell being ridiculous through her giggles. It was a scene so joyfully contagious that Chandler couldn’t help but smile himself. It was nice to have things back to some kind of normalcy again after the horrendous Kray copycat case, and it was great to see how perfectly Riley fit into the team with Mansell and Kent. It had brought a joy into the incident room that hadn’t been present in a long time, and the kind of smile on Kent’s face that Chandler hadn’t seen since before he… He shook his head and continued to read the document in front of him. Best not to dwell on his past mistakes.
*
Chandler had feared that things between him and Kent would never be the same as they’d once been, but this case had really shown Chandler a side of him that he didn’t like. He’d been hostile to Morgan and accusatory towards Chandler when he hadn’t entertained his theory or condoned his behaviour. Chandler watched him out of the corner of his eye. He looked worse than he had in a long while. There were dark circles under his eyes, he was pale, and his face was tarnished by the scowl that had been present ever since they’d last talked. He glanced towards Chandler and their eyes met for a moment, but this time Chandler was the one to look away. Kent’s stare didn’t waver. The audacity of this man. He was the one in the wrong. What was going on with him? Where was the Kent he knew?
*
Chandler saw the hurt look on Kent’s face and knew he’d fucked up. He closed himself off to it and looked away, not wanting to see the wounded man walk dejectedly away. He’d heard the careful optimism when Kent thought Chandler’s words had been out of care rather than practicality, and it was heart-breaking to stamp out his hope like he had. Chandler found himself doing that a lot lately. He wanted nothing more than to reach out towards Kent. To repair the thing that had broken between them. But whenever he was faced with Kent, he found himself growing cold and distant. It was the only way he could interact with him. He'd set out to say one thing and the next he found himself sending icy harsh words like daggers towards him. Kent was acting more and more unlike the Kent he knew and loved. He shook his head, no not loved. Appreciated? Depended on? Valued? And it only served to make Chandler grow even colder towards him. He saw the hurt it caused every time, but how was he supposed to walk back now? He wasn’t able to communicate his feelings during normal circumstances and whatever was happening at the station at the moment was anything but. How was he ever going to tell him sorry? Tell him that he missed what they had? That he loved him? He shook his head once more, but he knew he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He loved the man. He wasn’t sure when exactly his feelings towards him had changed, but it was clear to him now, and yet all he’d ever seemed to be able to do, was to hurt him, when he wanted nothing more than to see him happy, and he realised that that was the Kent he missed the most.
*
Chandler wasn’t used to this kind of luck. His heart swelled with pride and joy. They’d finally made a successful arrest, and judging by Kent’s nervous slip up, he’d just been asked on a date. Despite everything, Kent had stood by him and given him the encouragement he needed to see this through. He looked up at Kent who was ducking his head in embarrassment at something Mansell was saying to him the way that he normally did. Chandler chuckled at the sight. He only hoped that he was right in his judgement of Kent’s intention and that they were really going out together just the two of them. Then the day would be perfect. He still had so much to say to Kent. So many things to clear up and make right, but Kent was the bigger man of the two. He’d taken the steps to repair their relationship that Chandler couldn’t, and Chandler swore that he would fight to meet him in the middle.
*
The world was crumbling around him. Everything that was good had been taken from him in a moment.
He didn’t want to indulge in superstition. He’d berated Kent and Miles for the very same thing before, but it was hard not to feel cursed, when everyone he tried to arrest ended up dead, and his mistake could have been avoided through a supposed message from his father. He stared dead ahead as he tore the letter to shreds, only vaguely aware of the commotion happening in the room behind him.
Miles came into his office to say something, bringing Chandler back to his senses, and the sounds, and smells, and general awareness of everything happening, and the eyes staring at him, made his legs shake and his head pound. He looked at Miles for a moment not registering what he was saying, and without a word, he got up from his chair and fled. He ran through the incident room, past his colleagues, some of whom shouted after him, up the stairs, and down the dark halls. He was out of breath and his blood was pounding in his ears, but he didn’t stop until he’d reached the other side of the station.
It was completely deserted and dark. The only source of light was the yellow streetlamps outside shining in through the windows. He opened a door into a room meant for witnesses. The door creaked on its hinges. A mournful sound that might as well have come from him, the way that he felt. He didn’t turn on the light, but instead crawled into the dark corner of the room, wanting to disappear from the world.
His heartrate slowed now that he was no longer overwhelmed by the assault on his senses but hiding like this had left him with only one thing as company – his mind. And it was not good company to keep. Shame, guilt and self-loathing flooded him. So many people were dead because of him. He was horrible at his job. He didn’t have any friends or family outside of his co-workers and he’d been so obsessed with his curse and his failures that he’d done nothing but push them away.
He was nothing. He had nothing.
Quiet footsteps sounded outside in the hall, and Chandler tried to calm his shuddering breaths, not wanting to give himself away.
“Sir?”
Chandler gasped. It was Kent.
It’d obviously been loud enough for Kent to hear, cause the footsteps were now headed his way. The door creaked once more as it was opened.
The fluorescent lights in the room turned on, forcing Chandler to close his eyes with its contrast to the dark shadows he’d been enveloped in.
“Chandler?” Kent said cautiously. “Are you alright? I mean- Is there anything I can do?”
Chandler didn’t reply. Kent’s mere presence was calming already, but he couldn’t find the words to tell him this.
“I just wanted to check in on you. I can leave if you want me to, but we were all worried about you. It’s not your fault. No matter how anyone is going to spin it. And you know we’ll be behind you every step of the way. You know that right?”
“No,” Chandler said. It was hardly more than a whisper.
“Sir?” Kent’s face scrunched up in confusion.
“No, I don’t want you to leave,” Chandler admitted.
Kent simply nodded and sat down on the floor next to Chandler. They sat in silence for a moment.
Chandler was the first to break the silence.
“Thanks for always being there for me.”
He didn’t look directly at him, but he could see Kent’s face light in up astonishment out of the corner of his eye.
“Thanks,” he replied after a moment, which in turn caught Chandler by surprise.
“Did you just thank me for thanking you?”
“Yeah.”
Chandler looked up at him. His face was flushed red, and he was unable to meet Chandler’s eyes.
“I understand. I’ve been terrible at showing my appreciation lately. I haven’t been fair towards you or the team, but especially you.”
“It’s alright. You’ve been stressed,” Kent began, but Chandler cut him off.
“You don’t have to defend me. I’ve wanted to apologise for so long, but-“
The words proved too hard to articulate still. His heartrate picked up and he had to swallow thickly before he was able to say anything else.
“I appreciate it, but you really don’t have to do this now. We still have time. Things might be bad, but this isn’t the end,” Kent said when he saw Chandler hesitate.
“I don’t think I’m in the mood for that drink tonight.”
Kent flinched, but he quickly put on a reassuring smile. “That’s alright. We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“Can we postpone it?” Chandler said and he saw how Kent’s whole body relaxed with relief, and his smile grow wider.
“Yes. Yes of course!” he said brightly, and in that moment the words came all too easily to Chandler.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed that smile. Forgive me for being blunt, but when you smile like that it lights up your face. It’s like the moon. A source of brightness in the dark of night. I love it when you smile, Emerson, and I wish I’d been the source of it more often.”
Kent stared at him in stunned silence.
He let out a shaky breath as he waited for Kent’s response.
It took several agonizing seconds for Kent to finally accept what he’d just heard as more than just his own imagination.
“Is it- Is it alright if I hug you?”
There was nothing that Chandler wanted – needed – more. He nodded and Kent moved closer, his arms encompassing Chandler, who melted into the warm embrace resting his head on Kent’s chest.
Some day he’d put every feeling and every thought he had into words. He’d shower Kent with compliments and apologise for his mistakes. He’d make things right, but for now, he thankfully accepted Kent’s everlasting support in silence.