Chapter Text
Chapter 1
*I know running’s not the answer, but running’s been my nature, and a part of me that keeps me moving on. Merle Haggard
Lieutenant Andy Herrera blew out a deep breath through pursed lips. She shook her head in disbelief as she pulled the seatbelt across her chest, clicking it into place as Engine 19 pulled from the barn. She couldn’t believe Maya hadn't responded to the klaxon.
Andy knew Maya was spiraling but she had never allowed anything to get in the way of her duty. But she had also never seen her friend in such a bad way. Maya was normally so fit but her body was now gaunt from being in constant motion, unable to relax. When they weren’t on a call she would usually find Maya in the gym, endlessly on the treadmill.
Andy had known Maya long enough to know how she worked out her issues and it was deeply rooted in her upbringing by her father Lane. It was with a single-minded focus that she had achieved her goals and so she used that same energy to work out her problems.
Until she had a problem that couldn’t be resolved through her usual method. Running on a treadmill was not going to get her Captaincy back, but Maya knew no other way.
So now she lifted weights and punched bags and ran continuously on a treadmill when she wasn’t working. Exhaustion evident in how she carried herself now.
Maya’s normally clear blue eyes cloudy and rimmed with dark circles, in drastic contrast to her paler than usual skin.
The physical part didn’t worry Andy as much as Maya’s mental state though. The demotion of Captain to Lieutenant over a year ago had changed Maya in a way now making her almost unrecognizable.
She was withdrawn, barely responding when spoken to let alone starting a conversation. So much different from the friend she met at the academy.
She was also becoming reckless to the point of being unsafe to herself and the members of her team.
But mostly it was the anger that simmered constantly just below the surface, waiting to snap at any perceived threat.
She worried that Maya had become her biggest fear. Her father.
Andy dug her phone out of her pocket, thumbed Maya’s number and hit the call button. The phone rang until voicemail picked up, “You got Maya Bishop, leave it at the beep.”
Andy let out an exasperated growl. She didn’t have time for this crap. They would be at the scene in moments. She hung up without leaving a message, then typed Maya a quick text. “What’s up? Why did you miss the call?”
Andy then scrolled and tapped on Jack’s phone number. Her right leg bounced nervously.
She felt guilty remembering how she threw Maya’s jacket onto her turnouts and boots.
The phone was picked up on the second ring, Jack’s deep gravelly voice answering with a brief, “‘Sup?”
Andy replied quickly, “Jack, where are you at? Are you close to the station?”
Jack, not noticing the anxiety in Andy’s voice slowly joked, “No hello, how are you, Jack?”
Andy had no patience for niceties at this point. “Jack!” Andy realized that was sharper than intended. “I need to know if you can go to the station. Maya didn’t come on the call with us and I don’t know why. I’m worried. Can you please go check on her?” She realized that was all stated as one quick sentence.
Jack slowly responded, “I don’t think I am someone Maya wants to see right now.”
Andy retorted, “Jack, we don’t have time for this. I’m pulling up to the scene and I need to make sure she’s ok. Just go to the station and let me know. Please.” Andy felt her voice edging into pleading. She was worried about her friend and could not get rid of the bad feeling she had that something was not right.
Jack sighed. He knew he would do what Andy asked but all he could feel was apprehension over a confrontation with Maya. “Okay. I’ll be there in 5 but you owe me!”
Andy replied with a quick thank you, grabbed her helmet and jumped out of the rig as it came to a stop, her mind now fully focused on the scene, a fire engulfing a house.
Jack realized that Andy had hung up and tossed the phone into the passenger seat. He shook his head and made a quick right turn, heading in the direction of Station 19.
____________________________________
PAIN
“The Captain has removed the ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ sign, you are now free to move about the cabin.”
****Monogamy is for the weak or the very very dedicate...*
Maya reclined her seat back and stretched her legs out in front of her, the first class seat giving her ample room to perform this luxury on a plane. She sighed with pleasure, feeling her body relax for the first time in a while.
Maya leaned forward and slid the window blind up revealing the bright sunlight. She moved closer to the window, gazing down at the landscape slowly changing below them.
“This is your Captain speaking. We have reached our cruising altitude of 37,000 feet with a speed of 480 miles an hour. It should be a fairly calm flight with an arrival time of 3:50pm at JFK. For those continuing on to Italy with us we will have a 2 hour layover and a departure time of 5:50pm.”
The drink cart pushed closer, aisle by aisle finally arriving at Maya’s row. The steward leaned towards her offering water or a snack. Maya declined the offer for either, not sure why. Something felt off, she knew she was neither hungry or thirsty. Maya closed her eyes. Something wasn’t right.
PAIN
This is 5 hours a day, 365 days a year in the rain and sun and heat and cold. Running 100 miles a week against thousands of other women just to qualify to run with my best ever time on a sprained ankle when I won this. Not with luck, but with blood and pain and hard work. This isn’t a lucky charm, this is a reminder of just how much tougher I am than any single one of you…
“Hey, kiddo, are you gonna ignore your dad the whole flight?” Maya’s eyes flew open, startled by the voice. She looked at her dad, seated to her right. Maya glanced around, confused. “Um, no. Sorry, I was just resting my eyes. I didn’t mean to ignore you,” Maya choked out, not sure what else to say and certainly not wanting to engage in a conversation that could evoke anger with the wrong word uttered.
****The day I won Olympic gold was the first time Mason OD’d…*
What was she doing sitting next to her dad on a plane? The last time that had happened was the flight home from London, easily 10 years ago. She hadn’t even spoken to Lane Bishop since her wedding day.
“We have to start planning your training once we get home. That ankle just needs some strength training. We also need to focus on increasing your speed, we want to break records now. You sat back in second place a long time, over 20 laps before pushing to first. I want to focus on training you to lead from the beginning of the race.”
Maya felt a wave of nausea so she quickly leaned over her knees and squeezed her eyes shut, remembering this as the conversation she had with Lane on the flight home from the Olympics.
Maya tried to drown out the voice of the person who controlled her life for so long. Training rules, sleeping rules, eating rules, socializing rules. Lane controlled her entire life.
Maya could feel her chest tightening in the familiar way only Lane Bishop could cause. Breathing was becoming difficult, she could feel the beginning of a panic attack. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to focus on breathing in deeply. She was a firefighter. She ran into burning buildings. She was no longer a child, subjected to the iron fisted control of her father.
PAIN
****You look familiar … Oh, I drink here a lot… No, were you at the hospital earlier today?… Yeah, I was. I’m a firefighter. I was bringing something… Oh my god! Yes! You were the one who ran in with the nose!… Yeah, Captain Maya Bishop… Doctor Carina DeLuca… Well okay, if I buy you a drink would you tell me the story of how you ended up carrying a nose in a plastic bag?… I’m sorry. I’m drinking alone tonight… Okay, are you sure?… Maybe not…*
Slowly she could feel the panic ebbing. Maya took another deep breath, holding it for a beat and then slowly exhaling. Shaking her head, a nervous laugh escaping before she could quell the unease. What was happening?
****What are you doing here?… I saw Warren at the hospital and he said it was a tough day so I brought you lasagna… You can’t just come to my work.. Warren said… Carina, you’re hot but all we did was hook up. I don’t need a girlfriend… Wow. Okay. Um. My apologies. It was nice meeting you then… I’m sorry. I’m… Rude?... Broken… I’m not in the habit of fixing broken people so… I understand… The lasagna smells almost as good as you… Does it?…*
“Excuse me ma’am. Did you want chicken or pasta?” Maya slowly opened her eyes, noticing she was sitting alone, the seat next to her vacant. She looked up at the steward standing next to the cart.
****Well, I’m very glad you called but I should get back to work now… I’m the truck.. Uh, I’m sorry. I’m not very good at American idioms… I’m the truck. I’m the truck that drunkenly plowed into Station 19 and destroyed an entire family… Hey..hey… I’m the truck!…*
“I’m sorry, what?” Maya’s confusion profound. The steward repeated the question, “Would you like chicken or pasta? What would you like to drink?” Maya shook her head, declining both food and beverage. “No, thank you.”
****Dammi un bacio… Was that kiss me?.. Yeah…*
The firefighter reached over to the window shade, lifting it up to reveal the brilliant sky. The bright light making her blue eyes almost opaque. She leaned forward, close to the window to gaze down at the mountain range far below.
****You know I was thinking, ah, could you take some days off? Could we try to go somewhere?… I thought you had to work…. I have some personal days saved up… How many?… Like a hundred maybe. I don’t take days off but I would like to try… Yes… Really?… Yes!… *
Maya leaned back in her seat, reclining the back and closing her eyes. She could only hope for sleep, knowing it was likely not going to happen.
PAIN
****4 alarms… Anything you can help with 1000 miles away?… It’s a 4 alarm fire, they’re expecting it to get to 5. They’re calling everyone in… They will call everyone else, they are going to put out the fire… It’s, I’m.. I’m.. I’m the captain. I should be there. A 5 alarm fire is um…. Maya… I should be with them. I have never been this far away when, now I’m too… Maya… I’m too far away… Maya, okay. You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay. I’ve got you. They are going to put out the fire… What if somebody gets hurt?… There are emergencies in every state and in every country during every hour and every minute of every single day and they all get solved and fixed even without you there. It will be okay. They will be okay… But, um… Okay, look at me. Look at me. Yeah, yeah. Look at me. Your eyes only need to be on me. No no no, no eyes forward. No eyes forward. Eyes only on me. Good. Breathe. Good…*
“Bambina, I can’t believe we are finally going on our honeymoon!” Maya smiled, stretching languidly as she opened her eyes and looked over at her wife. “Are you happy, my love? Are you looking forward to seeing your family and friends? Carina leaned towards Maya brushing their lips together. Maya looked deeply into the brown eyes she loved so much. She smiled at Carina, her nose crinkled with joy. “I’ll take that as a yes!”
****I can see that you’re pushing me away and I want to give you space… So give me space…I understand you’re going through a lot and I’m trying not to be mad at you….Well, I just slept with Jack an hour ago so be mad at that.****
She sun was bright on Carina’s face, highlighting the contours of her cheeks. Maya still couldn’t believe this perfect woman loved her. Couldn’t believe someone so smart, funny, kind and beautiful shared her life.
****Carina…. What do you want?…. I’m an idiot. You were right. I was abused. My dad was abusive but that is no excuse what I did to you and just please.. please.. please take me back. I love you and I’ve never said that about anyone before except my brother so it means something. I love you, Carina. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry. Just please forgive me…. Oh my god, forgive her… Awwww…. Sorry. Sorry. I’m…. She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. And then you throw it in my face just to hurt me. And what am I supposed to do now. Forget that? Am I supposed to trust you?…. I don’t know. I don’t know. But I’m okay spending every day trying to convince you to… Forgive her. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, if you love her, forgive her… I love you, Maya. Come kiss me… *
Maya stared at Carina, from the way her hair framed her face to the arch of her brows to the deep brown of her eyes. The slope of her nose to the delicate shape of her lips surrounding perfectly white teeth. But especially the freckle at the lower corner of her mouth, although Carina would correct her that it was a beauty mark. She could look at that face the rest of her life.
****Carina, we have learned more about each other in these last 2 hours than we have in our entire relationship. I should have known that you don’t want to get married and that you do want to have babies… I knew it. I knew you would freak out on me eventually… Carina, everything you said is right. I have made no effort to learn your culture or your language. I do not understand what you’re going through with all your visa stuff. Maybe we’re just not right for each other… Ah, okay so do you want to break up temporarily or are we breaking up because we are not right for each other?… I didn’t say break up. I said take a break… Frankly, I don’t understand the difference. Do you want to get married? I married you the day I moved into this apartment, Maya. I don’t believe in ticking a box and calling that a marriage. I, I believe in building a life together with the person you want to spend it with, every single day. When I moved into this house, for me, that was a marriage… That is not how it works… No.. Marriage, the kind the government says is ok, puts an obligation on love. Marriage ruins family. Marriage is just a made up financial… Marriage is what can keep us together… Exactly! It is crazy that the only recourse I have to stay in Seattle, to stay in my life with you is to sign a piece of paper that says I will never leave you. A piece of paper that people like us aren’t allowed to have in my country!… If it’s just so much crap then why does it matter? Why not just do it so that we can stay together. So that we can be together, while the world is burning. Everyone is so scared, everyone is lonely, everyone is desperate and we have each other. We got so lucky and you are willing to throw that away on a principle… No, Maya, you are throwing it away… I am just being realistic. Well, you’ll still have Gabriella… Wow… I mean maybe she’s who you are supposed to be with… Maya, stop… Maybe we’re not meant to be together forever… Stop Maya, you’ve said enough… Do you still want me to take you to the airport?… No…*
Maya smiled inwardly. Yes, her wife was beautiful but she was so much more than that. Carina had such a quick mind, able to analyze copious amounts of data related to the brain for her study and the pregnant bodies of her patients. But nothing matched her depth of compassion and the amount of love Maya felt every day. Maya loved Carina completely. Body, mind and soul.
****We can worry about kids later, but what I know is that I want to be in this beautiful mess of a changing world with you. Please, please, Bambina. Marry me…. Yes…. Yes?… Yes…*
She knew it was corny to think but Maya adamantly felt that Carina, without a doubt, made her want to be a better person. Maya closed her eyes and sighed with content.
PAIN
****I love you and I choose you forever… I don’t need to say anything else. We’re good… Then Maya Bishop, do you take… I do… Me too… I now pronounce you wife and wife…*
“Bambina, can you pass me the diaper bag?” Maya opened her eyes, looking adoringly down at the brown curls of their beautiful son. He looked so much like Carina it made her heart swell with such a love. He was big for 9 months, a bruiser really. He was already in a size 18 and Maya knew he would likely outgrow his blue “I Love Italy” onesie on this trip.
****I tried. I tried to wrap my brain around it cuz you got married for me… I did not get married for you… Okay, I know. You didn’t. I love you but I can’t do it…. Okay…*
Maya bounced him on her knee, both hands encircling his waist while her son gnawed on a teething ring, a long strand of drool wetting her hand. “I want a horsie, I want a pony, I want a bowl of macaroni.” Maya sang nonsensically. His giggles made her smile.
****I want to want what you want, I don’t yet. But I want to. Maybe that’s enough?… Maybe it is. Yeah… Yeah?… It is…*
“Bambina. Where is your head right now?”
Maya looked over at her wife replying, “Just looking at our perfect son.” Carina smiled and said, “Well, our perfect daughter needs a diaper change so please pass me the bag and I can go take care of this wet diaper.”
PAIN
****I’m sorry. You want to give me a spanking?...*
Maya looked down at their blonde haired, blue eyed daughter on Carina’s lap. Their beautiful twins. Maya reached under the seat in front of her, dragging the diaper bag out. She lifted it up and handed it over to her wife.
****When there was a child in the building we were all fine. When there was a child in my arms in the middle of it all I was fine. We kept her fine. We knew how to keep her fine. We can do this. I can do this. Let’s have a baby… I’m sorry, what?…. I want to have a baby…*
“Do you want to swap and I can take her for a change?” Maya offered.
Carina smiled at her wife and replied, “No Bambina, I’ve got it.” Maya ran a soft hand thru her daughter’s wispy hair then squeezed her wife’s bicep, lightly drawing her hand down the length of Carina’s arm, ending at her hand. Maya gave it a gentle caress, her thumb moving in circles on the back of her hand. Carina looked up from their hands, into Maya’s eyes, love radiating from her face. Carina then swung the bag over her shoulder, looked up and down the aisle to make sure the way was clear and stood with their daughter in her arms, heading to the lavatory.
PAIN
****I want to hold a little you. I want them to have these eyes, and this nose and this freckle. I want to have another version of you that I can count my blessings on… And I have some ideas of some places to put this chocolate sauce… I told you, we’re making a porn… No! Maybe a little bit…*
Maya watched her wife move towards the bathroom for a moment and then looked back down at her son. She leaned forward, putting her nose and mouth on his head. She inhaled his baby smell. She could never get enough of that smell. Baby smell mixed with powder and lotion. Her family was her happy place. She closed her eyes in complete contentment, placing gentle kisses across his head.
****I am afraid to go home…. To Carina?…. No! God, no. Carina is the salve. It’s me. I’m afraid of how much I’m like my dad. My brother and I chose such opposite ways of dealing with him. Mason buried his head in the sand like my mom. And me, I just wanted to please him. I made myself into a perfect copy of my dad so that he wouldn’t find a reason to be mad at me. I spent so many years learning how to read his sighs and silences, the hunch of his shoulders. So many years mimicking the tone of his voice. I’m scared that by protecting myself from him, I turned myself into him…*
“Don’t you think any differently. You’re just like me. Just as driven to succeed as me. You don’t care about anything else. Eyes forward. You don’t have the ability to care about anybody else when you’re focused on your goal. Relationships just get in the way. They’re a waste of time and energy!” Lane’s eyes blazed as he jabbed a finger towards Maya to emphasize every sentence.
PAIN
****I am terrified that I am going to snap at her like him and she is going to stop loving me...*
Lane’s voice and words continued to echo in Maya’s head. Maya cried out, “No. No. No. I am not like you. I am not you. I changed! I changed! I changed!!!”
Maya opened her eyes, looking around. She lifted the window blind, pressing close to the pane. Her eyes took a moment to adjust to the bright light of the sun. Maya looked down, seeing only grayish clouds. Altostratus. She had studied clouds in her earth science class in high school and the names of the different types had stuck with her. A storm was on the way.
PAIN
****For the last six months, you’ve been keeping this from me. For the last six months, you come home miserable, and I don’t know why. And when I ask , you deny that anything is wrong with you, and it’s been making me crazy. And now the truth is out, and you’re not even the one who told me and you need me to be on your side?…*
“This is your captain speaking. I have turned back on the seatbelt sign so please return to your seats. We will likely be experiencing some turbulence as we are on the edge of a storm front but should be through the worst of it shortly.”
****It’s not even about your job, It’s, it’s about the chaos. You’re constantly in the middle of chaos. It’s, I don’t think you know how to live a normal life. It’s constantly up and down and up and down, and it reminded me of my childhood, and it’s crazy-making…*
PAIN
The shuddering of the plane caused Maya’s eyes to open. She reached her left hand over to push the window shade up. Only dark, angry clouds were visible, the sun unable to penetrate. They hit another pocket of turbulence causing the plane to dip sharply. Somewhere, someone cried out. Somewhere a drink spilled followed by muted cursing.
****We were happy and you created chaos. We, we were making a baby. I had just gotten my green card. We had happiness, and you needed to wreck it…*
Maya looked to her right at Carina, seated with her head bowed. Tears were freely flowing down her cheeks, landing on her blouse. Her wife raised a shaky hand to wipe them from her face. Carina took in a deep breathe, pausing before slowly letting it out.
****You need to look into that. You need to do…. I need to what?…. To fix it. You ah, I can’t live like that. I can’t make a baby with that…. Oh, with that?… Yes. With you. Like that. If we’re going to have a baby together you need to get help… *
PAIN
Maya knew she was breaking the heart of the person most important to her yet she couldn’t seem to stop. Couldn’t seem to stop moving long enough to do the one thing Carina had asked of her. Speak to someone. Speak to someone about what though?
****If?.. Carina, you could be pregnant right now… Yes. I could be. And that’s why you need to get help., for us. Right now...*
She only knew how to set goals and achieve them. Most of her life that was the only course of action she understood. She was a winner and winners put plans into action and then attained the objective they desired. Her father would grind that into her, day in and day out. She wanted to be Fire Captain. She accomplished that. Then someone unfairly took the achievement away and no matter what she tried to do, Maya couldn’t seem to reacquire that goal.
****I’m dealing with my own problems right now… Except you aren’t really dealing with them… I am in my own way… Okay. Have you started looking for a therapist?… No… No me or no her?… I’m sorry I haven’t done everything on your timeline, Carina...*
Did that make her a loser? Probably in her father’s eyes. And if Maya was being honest with herself, her eyes too. She had never failed at anything. Never failed to make good on her ambition. Maya couldn’t stomach the thought that she had set a goal and was falling short. Is this what Carina meant when she said she had to speak with someone? About being a loser? How does one go about that?
****I’m living in my own personal hell and my coworkers are now gossiping about me. And my boss hates me and treats me worse than I was treated as a probie. And now my wife can't have my back because she has suddenly decided that I am unstable, so no. I haven’t researched therapists because I have been kinda busy with all of that...*
Maya reached an uncertain hand towards Carina. Would her wife accept her touch or brush it away and move out of reach like she did in bed? Maya missed the feel of her wife. The gentle caresses, a thumb stroking a jawline. Their noses brushing together during a soft kiss. She missed the perfect moments spent looking into each others’ eyes. Seeing her future, knowing her life would be spent with this beautiful human. Her person. The only person who had ever made her feel, really feel. So why was she finding it so difficult to do the one thing she was asked to do?
PAIN then nothing……