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"I don't know what I would do without you, Takemitchy" is the first thing Manjiro tells him when he watches him climbing up the stairs. He knows Takemichi loves those words, even if the blush on his cheeks has decreased since the first time he told him so.
"Maybe trying to leave notes on the librarian’s desk to get your sweets?" and he speaks in such a serious tone that Manjiro can't help but laugh before grabbing the bag the other boy is holding. It is full of neatly wrapped taiyakis, and the aroma makes him feel safe, like he's at home, although that memory has long faded in time.
Manjiro spends twenty minutes eating the fish-shaped cakes, lets his mouth fill with the sweet red bean paste, and shares his happiness with Takemichi through small kisses on his lips, and his nose, noticing the way his breathing slows with each tender affection he gives him. He can't help it but hold the other boy close by his waist, cold hands placing themselves on the small of his back, traveling upwards and making him shiver, just the way he learned Takemichi likes it.
"I need to leave earlier today", Takemichi says in a whisper, but his hands are still holding Manjiro's face like he doesn't want to. Manjiro can tell. Blue eyes full of life lock with his dark, deadly ones.
"Don't" is all he responds, kissing him deeply one more time, and Takemichi obeys him.
The bag Takemichi brought is full and long forgotten.
⚘
"You weren't here for your first four classes, Hanagaki-san. Four classes." His counselor emphasizes those words while hitting his desk with a pen.
But Takemichi is only conscious of the clock ticking, he feels like it goes slower.
"I was here for physics, and I'm doing better than before." That wasn't a lie, and he had a great note on the last test with only two hours of sleep and one cup of coffee for breakfast.
"And I'm glad you do, really."
Really?
"But what's the point of only attending one class and forget about the others?"
Manjiro.
"I'll help you asking your chemistry teacher if you still can attend her class, she's not happy that you stopped showing up."
Manjiro is waiting outside the classroom, but he doesn't look happy.
"I've already had a word with your English tutor, he says he'll give you one last chance to send all your delayed homework."
Why is Manjiro looking at him like that?
Takemichi stops paying attention to what the old man says, more worried about the foreign expression on his boyfriend's face.
Did something happen?
Once he's done, Takemichi grabs his things faster than how he wanted to, walking straight to the door, and then he's outside. He tries to put on his best smile to meet the blond boy.
"Hanagaki-san, I know you've spent this morning on the fourth floor."
With that sentence, the man stops the words the couple was about to give each other.
Takemichi turns around, more scared than he wanted to show. He always wears his heart on his sleeve and the truth on his face.
It's something Manjiro says he likes about him.
"I don't care about whatever you kids do in that horrible place," the counselor says, but he makes a motion like smoking "as long as you are safe" he adds later.
Takemichi hates smoking.
"But you should choose your relationships better, Hanagaki-san. Don't walk on the bad road. I'm telling you this because I'm your teacher."
There's no use in lying again, it seems.
"Will do, sensei."
⚘
"You told me you didn't have any classes until afternoon," Manjiro says with a bitter tone.
He despises liars. Takemichi knows this well.
"I just wanted to spend more time with you" and then, with a small voice, he adds "I'm sorry."
Manjiro sighs at that; he hates lies but loves the way Takemichi goes on his knees without another word, about to apologize with his actions too.
Was he really sorry or just trying to make him forget about it?
In the aftermath, he remembers all of it, but Takemichi seems satisfied with his eyes closed, his cheek resting on Manjiro's thigh and a smile on his face.
So he tells him "You didn't mean it."
"I did" Takemichi responds, revealing his blue eyes to him "I love being by your side."
There's no use in keeping up this when Manjiro wishes he could stay with Takemichi too.
⚘
"Akkun told me you didn't attend your first class today, again."
His counselor wasn't talking about Manjiro when he told him to choose his relationships better, Takemichi knows that.
He also wasn't referring to the group of four friends who were by his side since he was a kid.
He was thinking about Hakkai, the guy with long hair and longer legs, a scar adorning his lips.
And he desperately wanted Takemichi to stay away from Chifuyu, the pretty boy with a piercing on his right ear, who threw punches just for fun after school.
If only he knew how soft the mentioned boy became while reading manga; Takemichi likes that about Chifuyu.
But he still loves Manjiro the most.
"Who are you? My father?" and this comment was usually playful, one year ago they would laugh about it and change topics. Surprisingly, his friend was the only one alongside Akkun who assumed the role of caring about his friends’ studying habits. Takemichi only fuels Chifuyu to start rambling about the importance of his notes, to get into a good college and then a high-paid job.
"You don't even have to work all your life, you can save enough to start doing what you really want when you are older."
He has heard these exact words hundreds of times.
"You know that my mom already told me what career I'm studying next year, but do you know what I actually want to do?"
He wants to open a pet shop, to rescue animals from bad homes and help them find a new place and a loving family.
"Have you ever thought about what you want to do in the future, Takemichi?"
Thousands of times, Chifuyu. But nothing seems exciting to him and he's not good at anything either.
Can I be one of those cats you give shelter to, Chifuyu? Takemichi almost says.
Can you help me find my place in the world?
He ends up resting his head on Chifuyu's lap, gentle hands caressing his blond curls.
Manjiro, where are you?
Maybe he's only good at loving with all his heart.
⚘
Takemichi is nothing but a good boyfriend. Every day, after the last ring of the bell, his feet take him through the exit gates, he walks across the street to the small shop that mainly relies on students buying snacks and traditional sweets when classes have ended. At this point, he's familiar with the old lady that makes the delicious dorayaki and taiyaki that Manjiro loves so much. She's all wrinkled on the face, always sitting on a small chair, smiling, and receiving money from kids that she doesn't even count properly despite the concerned comments from her daughter.
"To share?" she asks Takemichi one time, looking at him like she's searching for something in his face.
"Yes, to share" the blonde boy answers with a smile, because even if he doesn't eat any, he knows that otherwise it'll be weird to buy almost full bags each time.
He doesn't have anything more than a bunch of coins to pay for the dorayaki he's bringing Mikey for later, and even though the old lady doesn't count the money, he never thinks about scamming her. But it would've been easy. So he gives her the correct amount, and she seems satisfied before dropping the coins into an old box.
"Aren't you worried someone will trick you, grandma?" he asks her after taking the bag.
The old lady doesn't respond immediately. "No, little one. I will know if they try. I can see in their eyes if they are lying" and then she's smiling at him, her expression as sweet as the dorayakis in his bag. "And you seem like a good person."
Takemichi wasn't prepared for that comment, but he feels something warm in his chest spread after the words. Sadly, he's not used to compliments, so he blushes a little and smiles, thanking her.
Yet, the blood from his face dramatically drops when he's stepping out of the shop and his ears catch another unexpected comment that makes him freeze in his place.
"But I'm afraid ghosts don't like to share."
⚘
"There's always been rumors, you know? About spirits in this place after the incident from years ago" is what Manjiro tells him while eating his fifth dorayaki of the day in less than three minutes. He's sitting between Takemichi's legs, his head resting against the other's chest while trembling arms hug his waist and a face is hidden on his nape.
He's scared of ghosts. Manjiro knows this well.
So what is Takemichi doing on the fourth floor, the one that was destroyed during the accidental fire? There's nothing interesting inside because most of the furniture was taken away. Not even the glass from the windows was removed properly. There are just old desks used when necessary, but that aren't as important to keep them in a better place. The same goes for some chairs, and boxes with things he registered once and decided to forget so he could open them again and still be surprised.
The tiles, the walls and the ceiling are darkened despite multiple efforts of cleaning and painting. Every year people say they are going to restore everything and every year that same people keep their distance, intimidated by the stories and the noises they hear from the third floor.
"She told me that I've already seen ghosts." Takemichi spoke with such a soft voice that Manjiro ended up turning around to face him, letting his boy hide now in his chest and exhale a shaking sigh. Manjiro's cheek rested over Takemichi's messed-up curls, his own light blond hair falling like a curtain to protect his precious mind.
"I'm the one that doesn't know what to do without you, Manjiro." He actually sounds better now and Manjiro wonders what is so comforting about hugging him, because it isn't the rhythm of a beating heart nor warm from his hands.
But Takemichi smiles like he knows his exact thoughts and kisses him to silence them. Manjiro stands up and guides both of them near the only source of light in that room. Like this, he looks like a bunch of those particles that float around and are only visible in the light.
"Then, let's be together forever."
⚘
Takemichi has never been the type to fall in love at first sight. Of course, he steals glances at people he considers to be pretty. Girls with long legs, boys with strong arms. Short guys that mess around in the library and somehow don't get kicked out.
He's studying for his physics test, because he's doing terrible already, like in every class, so he arrives earlier than most students and steals the same seat to first and most importantly, force himself to eat an apple while skimming his notes from the previous day.
Takemichi is barely aware of the girl he can see from the corner of his eye, she has the worst bad-hair-day he ever witnessed but what catches his attention is the flash of a black uniform, short blond hair, and a quick kick that results in the table bringing the girl's cup of coffee to spill on her notes. There's a scream but the blond boy continues walking as if nothing happened.
It's not the first time Takemichi has seen him doing stuff like that, and he isn't into handsome bullies, but God, why is his heart pounding inside his chest every time he catches him doing something mean? Truth is, Takemichi wishes the boy approached him even if it was just to mess with his homework. It never happens.
Except for one day, when Takemichi is about to leave the library, where the blond boy is picking up a few books from their shelves and dropping them into the floor (which seems like his favorite activity), and he's suddenly followed by this cat-like-bully.
Did he listen to his heart beating the hardest that it ever did when Takemichi walked near him? Is he going to steal it like a precious diamond or just play around and go to his next victim? Even if they interact for just two minutes or twelve seconds, Takemichi wants to find out. As long as those dark eyes are focused on him in the end.
Takemichi is still walking, pretending to check something on his phone, when the blond boy passes by his side and then stops completely. He looks behind and swiftly stretches one of his legs like he's resting. Takemichi smiles twice, because one was in his mind by imagining himself landing above this guy on purpose, and a second one is directed to the boy when he avoids the trap and looks directly in his eyes while saying "You know, I was wondering when were you going to pay me attention".
Because I've been staring at you, like in the longest nights when you can't sleep, and you never looked my way.
But this boy is more than just impressed. His face is genuinely pale, eyes open like two new moons, and he whispers "You... shouldn't be able to see me".
⚘
What is Takemichi doing inside the scariest place of school, while the night starts to paint the sky, letting a dead boy steal the life out of him with his sweet lips?
They decide there's nothing to lose, but the truth is that Manjiro is the only one who doesn't have anything left. They hug with all the love they can't put into words, and then they're kissing and getting embarrassing noises out of the other until they get tired of it.
There has never been anything warm about Manjiro since Takemichi met him for the first time, but the hand that slowly is placed on his hair, guiding him towards another face in search of a kiss, just for it to pull at his locks and making him moan, is all Takemichi needs to feel like his low stomach burns with desire.
⚘
The next day, he just refreshes his face in a random bathroom and walks to his first-morning class. Is the earliest in his schedule and everyone is always half asleep so he hopes no one notices he didn't take a shower. During the class, to his surprise, the teacher calls his name but doesn't say anything when he answers to him. He knows he hasn't been attending lately but he's there now, isn't he?
Sometimes, he wishes to be just like the speckles of light, floating around his boyfriend, warming him up even though it's impossible, to enter through the window every time the sun rises and stay there even when the moon takes its place.
He just...
"Hey, did Hanagaki come to class today?" That's Chifuyu's voice.
Wishes he could be in the same world as Manjiro, and be by his side, forever.
"He didn't" that's his stupid classmate's voice.
He sighs and stands up from his chair with more force than necessary.
"I'm right here Chifuyu, see? Everything's fine." Takemichi says while approaching the door and trying to put a hand on Chifuyu's shoulder, but finding out that he couldn't do it. His hand pierced through his friend as if he was made from air.
The very next moments are a blur while Takemichi is trying to understand what was happening.
Did he spend so much time with Manjiro and this were the consequences?
Did he wish so hard to not be seen that it finally happened? Was it some kind of punishment for ignoring his friends so much that he lost all meaning and purpose in this Universe? Was he...?
He is...
Takemichi feels like vomiting and he actually goes down to his knees, his stomach so upset it knots itself tightly but nothing comes out, and then Manjiro is by his side.
And he is warm this time.
And also, Takemichi is pale while Manjiro is smiling like he avoided being tripped by a bully.
"Why didn't you wake me up, dummy?"
⚘
It takes a long time to calm down Takemichi, but having strong, warm arms wrapped around him, a firm chest and a beating heart pressed against his cheek certainly helps.
"I told you, didn't I? We're together forever now" Manjiro says, his own cheek resting on the top of the head of his lover, gently caressing the curls of his hair.
There's barely an explanation of what happened the night before, but it's enough to make Takemichi curl himself while trying to understand that this was his life now.
If it wasn't Manjiro, if he hadn't stared at him so much to make up for a full sleepless night, if he had fallen above him, if he didn't buy him sweets every day, if he hadn't put his heart outside its exhibition so it could be easier to steal, if he had attended class, if he had eaten well, if he didn't kiss Manjiro first even after hearing what he was, if Takemichi didn't look for him in the fourth floor when he didn't show up to the library for a week, if he didn't attend this school, if he was born and raised in another country, if this Universe didn't exist, if he was a particle of light...
Would he have still navigated toward Manjiro?
Is it still life if I'm living for someone else? If I don't breathe anymore so I can be by his side?
Manjiro took him to the library, putting him down on one of the biggest tables. Takemichi raises his hand to touch his chest. His shirt is already missing, and there's a new scar near his heart.
No one can see them, no one knows, not even the only person left on Earth that can perceive him, but Takemichi feels dead in more than one way.
⚘
Time doesn't matter from now on and it surprises Takemichi how fast one can get tired from watching the sun go up and down like a basket ball. Still, they make the most of it.
Manjiro teaches him which books are worth reading and how to annoy the librarian the most. He takes him to the principal's office and makes him find the path to a secret room used years ago like a bunker. They mess up with the computers and the chemistry lab, they lay down in the grass long enough to count five hundred clouds, and they pass near Takemichi's friends enough times for him to get used to the sharp pain in his chest when they don't greet him anymore.
Some... time later, Manjiro is guiding him toward the other end of the school after bumping into a conference with big posters of Takemichi's face.
"Uncomfortable, isn't it?" he says with a soft smile.
The school has 4 entrances, one for each cardinal point. They are sitting near the west one. If they crossed the street, they would arrive at the store with the old lady.
Another thing he has learned is that they can't leave the school grounds. And Manjiro had to put up with the boredom for... how many years?
"Are you going to tell me now?" Takemichi asks him.
"About what, my love?" Manjiro answers, but his tone is different from his sweet words.
"Where... am I?"
There's no answer.
"Where did you bury me?"
"It wouldn't be okay for you to see yourself in that condition. Believe me, I went through that." Manjiro offers after a long silence.
"What else did you go through?" The same dynamic of silence once more. Like a volleyball match without an adversary. "Manjiro, it seems like we're stuck together forever, right? When am I going to get to know the real you?"
"I have been real since I met you. I never pretended to be someone else."
"I couldn't have known. So just answer my questions. How old are you?"
"I'm the same age as you, Takemitchy."
"Since when?"
Manjiro stares blankly at him, like he's reading Takemichi's expression, or maybe thinking really hard about something else.
"I wish you could bring me sweets again, I miss that." And then Manjiro looks in the direction of the store again.
Takemichi does the same, and a single tear falls from his right eye.
He remembers wishing to be in the same world as Manjiro, but even if that became real, even if he puts all his energy while the sun jumps from one side to the other, he... he never had a chance, didn't he?
There's a call from the street.
"It's enough, Manjiro" a voice says.
The old lady is standing in the middle of the street, barely keeping herself on her feet. Before both guys can understand what she means by that, a car runs her over and crashes into a streetlight. Both of them stand up and run to see what happened, the same as a lot of people from the school. But unlike them, they can go out.
"What was that?" Takemichi asks, slightly panicked.
"That was..." Manjiro loses his voice when the sun from the afternoon seems to shine a bit more.
The people block the view from what is probably a puddle of blood, skin and bones, one that is slowly twitching, getting back together, and standing up like it was nothing.
The blood and the body are still there but what had woken up was a beautiful, short, blond girl with eyes as golden as the sun illuminating her. She smiles and walks to the school gate, and she reaches one hand towards the boys.
But Takemichi knows they can't go out, because Manjiro told him so.
Yet, Manjiro is the first one walking towards the girl with his arm reaching for her. When his fingers go farther than the school limit, they start to turn into black color, like they have been burned to the ashes. That's when Takemichi grabs him by his shirt and pulls him back.
They look at each other for what seems like decades. Manjiro is communicating everything he needs to know through his eyes which aren't new moons anymore, but rather a night sky full of stars. Takemichi loses himself inside them and navigates in between the tears that are forming outside.
"I was waiting for something, all this time."
Takemichi shakes his head from side to side when the words confirm his worst fears.
The sun starts to go down and it's getting darker than it has ever been.
"Please, don't leave me alone" Takemichi cries out when he can't find any more words that can convey the pain inside his heart. He rushes into Manjiro's arms and he's welcomed with a gentle kiss on his forehead. At that moment, Takemichi sees an image inside his head of his body being carefully laid down and hidden under the many tables and chairs that are on the fourth floor.
Before he realizes what is happening, he drops to the ground. What once was Mikey now felt like burnt paper disappearing little by little, slipping through his fingers like water and disappearing into the wind to join the clouds in their journey, like the particles escaping when you open a window, like the same material dreams and love are made of until they vanish when you wake up, like words never spoken, and therefore not real.
⚘
Takemichi might as well have spent years in the same spot by the school gate, just looking down at his hands.
Maybe a couple of decades trying to go up the stairs, three floors, and then pulling out a cold, dead body from under a table. It looked the same as him, like he was sleeping. He saw every imperfection on his face, he counted his visible moles, he squished the stomach and the hips, he pressed down on the knees, he ripped his own shirt open to see the injury in his chest, still fresh and bleeding, still open enough to see that he was missing a heart.
So he gave it back by loving himself the way he was; he pressed his face against the hole in the chest.
⚘
It seems like when he was found, Chifuyu was there. And when he woke up at the hospital, he was also there in a chair, looking down, silently crying and calling him selfish before leaving for a good couple of days. But when Takemichi walked out of the hospital on his own feet, Chifuyu was still there.
"You know, at that time you kept saying something like -take me with you- so of course, you are going to follow me from now on. No excuses."
Takemichi smiled and nodded his head.
"I feel like having some taiyaki, you know?"
So they go to that little store by the west entrance of their school, the one that has the best taiyakis and dorayakis in the world.
Takemichi buys a neatly wrapped, sweet red bean taiyaki and bites it while looking at the school from the other side of the street.