Chapter Text
It all happened so fast and at the same time, it felt so achingly long and frozen in space meant to penetrate the heart slowly and twist. There was no time for tears, no time for cries and yet there was enough time for Jake’s chest to feel like it was on fire, burning him from the inside with its deep ache filling him with uncontrollable rage.
He had to be strong at that moment, he had to be for Neytiri, for himself and for the others who still needed him. He may have failed one and that he could never get back, but small mercies exist, and he would rather die a thousand violent deaths than lose more of his family, the family he swore to protect.
But he had failed.
The thought raged hard in his mind even after everything had passed, he had failed and as he saw his son, his once bright and strong Neteyam curled on the sea bed, the thought engulfed his mind.
Eywa had taken his son and he knew deep in his heart that he was being taken care of by her, yet the feeling of failure never left him.
Jake knew that holding all of this was unhealthy, the last thing his family needed right now was a father who curled into himself and become an empty shell. He knew that Neytiri worried for him, but she never brought the topic up either, not yet ready herself to accept that her eldest son was truly gone.
Nothing hurt Jake more than seeing her looking at the empty space next to her, once occupied by him and it took a long while for her to remember that no matter how many times she called Neteyam to come to eat, he wouldn’t come, and her eyes become empty golden pools with no tears left to give.
It hurt, that was the truth, it fucking hurt.
And knowing himself well, Jake knew that he would do or say stupid shit that he didn’t actually mean when he was hurting. It was a defence mechanism, what made him survive being a marine for so long, but he knew it was wrong.
He remembered Neytiri’s words about their family not being a squad for him to train and discipline into little soldiers, but the truth was that they were in the midst of war, and wars were won by soldiers.
Cold, indifferent without ties and without emotion.
Jake sighed rubbing his temple, the beginning of a headache already forming as he sharpened his knife, it could slice the air and yet Jake needed something to do with his hands, something to help him not think.
From the corner of his eye, he could see Neytiri helping Kiri and Tuk strengthen their archery skills, she made sure to help them with the form and cheered when Tuk actually managed to hit a target after several tries.
That did manage to garner a small smile from Jake as he stopped to look at his daughters for a moment, giving a nod when they felt his presence. Knowing that he was looking they took it more seriously especially Kiri who usually did not care for the use of weaponry.
But if that meant her father smiling even if for just a second then she would gladly fire a thousand arrows.
She wished that she could do more but even she knew that what her dad was feeling right now was an emptiness that couldn’t be cured; it had to be healed and form a scar, which took time. It will always be there, never forgotten, and present in any small detail or object that would make them remember him.
But instead of looking at a necklace with sorrow and grief, time would make you look on with fond memory.
But that takes a shit amount of time, time that they didn’t have.
Jake looked at them for a few more moments knowing that Neytiri was teaching them well, hell she was better at this than him and it relieved him a little to see her occupied with teaching, smiling here and there as their daughters were slowly but surely improving.
He had missed her smile and he knew that she was missing his too.
“I think I’m going to go to the spirit tree for a while”, nobody objected when Jake said this, they had gotten used to Jake wanting to go every moment he got and not even Neytiri asked if he wanted company, knowing he wanted to be alone.
He left his knife on the table knowing he wouldn’t be needing it, before making his way out of their tent. He had just opened the flap of their tent before bumping into Lo’ak who had returned from a fishing trip with the other Metkayina, a net filled with fish in his hand.
Hesitantly Lo’ak showed the net full of fish to his father, his smile small and his eyes big and itching to say, “Do you see this, I did this, do you feel something?”.
Jake only nodded before providing space for his son to pass, it was getting late, and he needed to get to the spirit tree before it got too dark was the only raging thought in his mind at that moment.
That being said Jake did not miss the way his son’s ears tucked in disappointment before he shrugged it off trying again to get his attention “Can I join you, I know you’re going to the spirit tree again”
Lo’ak did not say this in an accusatory manner but rather as a fact, something he accepted to be a part of his father’s routine like waking up and going to sleep. And true to his rigid routine Lo’ak knew that the answer was no.
It wasn’t that his father was cruel, his brother’s death was hard on everyone, but what hurt was that his father seemed to be blind to what was really hurting his younger son. Losing his older brother, the one who always had his back, the one that was always there hurt like fucking hell and what Lo’ak needed the most now was someone to tell him that it was going to be okay.
That they would make it through this, because Sullies always stuck together but as more nights passed, the more Lo’ak realized that he was losing his father, losing him to something that he couldn’t save him from.
As he saw his father’s retreating back he felt that he wasn’t enough or worthy to be able to fill the hole Neteyam’s death had left.
Jake could find his way to the Metkayina spirit tree blindfolded by now, the water was calm and still, besides the slight waves he created as he swam his way down, down to where the spirit tree’s tendrils gently moved with the current.
Jake needed this, he needed to feel connected and remember as sometimes his greatest fear was that by time, he would forget. Forget all the memories he had, the only thing he had left of Neteyam.
So the spirit tree provided him with those memories, moments that were thought as being small were cathartic for Jake now, every small conversation had, any joke told helped Jake make sure that he couldn’t forget.
Connecting to one of the tendrils Jake expected to see white light first like he was used to and then to find himself in the forest, the forest he missed so much and held so many memories on its own. And in that forest, he expected to see his son, young and full of life as he hunted for his first fish showing it proudly for Jake to see.
But this time around he saw nothing except darkness, no light enveloped him and instead, all he saw was pitch black. And then he heard a voice, a voice that he never thought he would hear again.
A voice not filled with fear but a strong one, filled with joy as it called Jake to try his best and open his eyes.
And how could Jake refuse? How could he not fight against the force that was holding his eyes shut when the voice belonged to his son.
Opening his eyes made Jake feel exhausted, as he gulped to take in air and feel his lungs which felt blocked. A moment of panic passed his mind as he remembered he was underwater but that thought quickly left his mind as he saw himself not deep down in the sea but on the ground.
Clear, bright green grass surrounded him as he was standing in the middle of a clearing engulfed by millions of flowers, each a different colour and all at the height of their bloom.
Jake paid his surroundings no mind, not when he was occupied with staring in disbelief at none other than his son. Only Neteyam wasn’t a small child in front of Jake’s eyes like he had seen him the previous times, now the Neteyam he saw now was the one that he had to bury.
Neteyam was smiling at him, and he was about to say something, but Jake couldn’t wait, he just couldn’t so instead he ran, uncaring that he was crushing fragile petals beneath his feet as he engulfed his son in a hug, something he never thought he could ever do again.
“Dad, calm down you’re crushing me”, and Eywa bless him, it really was his son’s voice Jake thought, trying hard to not let the blobs of tears fall from the corner of his eyes.
Neteyam responded in kind then, hugging him back, solid, and real as he patted his father’s back knowing that he needed this.
“Dad, I miss you too, but we don’t have much time,” Neteyam said then, it wasn’t what he wanted to say but it was true, and he tried to ignore the look of fear in his father’s eyes at the thought of this ending.
“How is this possible, how am I really seeing you? Jake whispered, he didn’t want to increase the volume of his tone in case that meant having this taken away from him so soon.
Neteyam instead, grabbed his father’s hands trying to stop the tremor that had developed “Dad, listen to me and I need you to listen to me closely and understand truly want I am going to say”.
Neteyam waited for his dad to give him a sure nod knowing that the latter didn’t have the ability to form words right now, he sighed before looking his father in the eye hoping to make him understand.
“Eywa gave me this time to talk to you, and we don’t have long before I need to go back but Dad you should see her, Eywa is so much more than what we thought, she is everything and she is nothing and I want you to know that I’m okay, I am well taken care of, I even met Grace and now I know why Kiri loves her as much as she does-“ Neteyam had more words to say but he couldn’t continue as his father had finally let the tears go.
Instead, Neteyam brought his father closer once more, letting the tears of his father rain down against his shoulder as his father managed to let out the words “I missed you so much” amidst broken sobs.
“I know, I know and I’m sorry for leaving but dad”…Neteyam once more stepped back just enough for him to look his father in the eye, to make sure that he could truly see “I am not afraid anymore, I’m at peace and I want the same for you, it hurts to see you like this, dad they need you, my brother, my mum and sisters and you need them” Neteyam finished strongly.
His father said nothing for a few moments before putting his hands on Neteyam’s shoulders, keeping him steady more for himself really than to keep Neteyam in his place. And in his father’s eyes, Neteyam could see the pieces of the puzzle finally coming together, piece by broken piece as his father truly looked at him.
“I’m sorry,” Jake said at last, but Neteyam merely smiled.
“The one you should be apologising to is yourself, dad, Eywa needed me with her here and you are needed back to take care of our family”
“Since when are you this wise” Jack finally cracked and Neteyam’s eyes lit up at the smile on his father’s face albeit it was small. Guess he was understanding even if just a little, his dad had much to learn as did his siblings.
He gave his dad one final smile before taking a step back, Jake realised at that moment this was it, their time was up but as he looked at his Neteyam, his eyes filled with wisdom and with the same smile he always had, Jake’s heart felt relieved.
“You know what you need to do now dad,” Neteyam said at last before he disappeared in a wave of cherry blossom petals leaving nothing behind him, but Jake knew that Neteyam was still there with him.
He finally understood, his son wasn’t gone, he was everywhere and nowhere and when the time was right he would see him again.
But only when the time was right, he had more things to do before he could see his son again.
He didn’t know what comes next, but it felt natural to close his eyes, to experience darkness once more only this time Jake did not feel afraid or in despair as his eyes to find himself back.
He looked around himself once, giving one last look at the spirit tree before going up towards the surface.
Jake resurfaced taking deep breaths of air not realising that he was under for more than he had thought before looking in surprise at the shadow of another being present.
Looking up Jake’s eyes fell upon his younger son, Lo’ak who had followed him even though he was denied “I just” Lo’ak began feeling unsure of everything at that moment and what had made him follow his dad “I just didn’t want you to be alone, it’s stupid I know” Lo’ak confessed at last.
Everything cleared for Jake then, the blur that was always present at the corner of his vision making him blind to what was in front of him. Blind to the hurt and grief present in his younger’s eyes, the fear at the thought of losing a father to grief.
Jake made his way closer not saying a word before he engulfed Lo’ak in a hug catching the latter by surprise, he held his son close realising that there was so much left to do, so much left to fix.
He kept his son close even when he gave Lo’ak a bit of space to move before Jake put his hands on either side of his son’s face taking a good look at him. There was so much to say, and he would say them, say all the things he should have told his son a long time ago, but now it was dark, and his son was shivering from the chill that usually enveloped the night. He had waited for him in the cold Jack thought.
“Let’s go home son, the others are waiting for us”.