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I’ve never adored flowers; I saw them as mere decorations that would eventually wilt, and perish as everything else in this world would as well. Perhaps they were angry at me since I never even stopped by and appreciated their beauty. Perhaps that is why I’m also doomed to have the same unfortunate ending.
As I slowly perish and suffocate from that very same flower as it finally made me acknowledge its existence.
Laughable as it is and yet the pain inside my heart was a lot more excruciating than the growing garden blooming inside my lungs. “Foolish” is what anyone would describe in this circumstance, however, if that is the price for being near you then so be it.
I shall endure the weight of a thousand growing thorns that prickle and pierce through my skin to see the warmth of your smile once more.
It was just a tragic fictitious tale, or it was supposed to be one. Hanahaki disease, a disease where one would cough up flowers due to one-sided love. Its only cure is to have your feelings reciprocated or to surgically remove the roots and lose the memories of your beloved, possibly losing the ability to love romantically ever again. Quite cheesy, if you ask me. Cheesy as the dreadful fairy tale it was supposed to be.
I’ve never been the one to delve into the supernatural, so when I heard this tale, I thought nothing of it. “How tragic” is what I would say and continue on with my life. But life was never fair was it? How tragic indeed.
“Shiro… Shiro?”
“ Shiro !” I jolted awake from my daydreaming as I heard my friend calling my name. “ Geez , what’s with you lately? I’ve been calling your name for a while now.” Len said to me but I was unable to concentrate on what she was saying as everything gradually blurred around me.
I felt an itch in my throat, a sharp feeling in my chest as if there was a thorn, prickling my whole body, not allowing me to breathe, wrapping itself as it crept itself around my throat.
The itch was unbearable, I tried to ask for water but the only thing that came out of my mouth were just harsh dry coughs.
“Shiro, are you actually okay?” As Len, finally, lent me her water bottle, I relished the feeling of the cool water rushing down my throat.
However, the moment of bliss ended momentarily as I continued to choke on seemingly nothing, stinging coughs rising with such urgency. I coughed roughly, heavily into my fist.
I panicked as I felt something trying to force its way out of my throat. I couldn't think of anything else; blood started to rush into my ears, loud and buzzing as my body started to tremble. I knew that Len was worried about me as she was reaching up to my shoulder, the touch hot on my skin. I tried to make out what she said but I wasn’t able to focus.
It felt as if time had stopped. All I could feel was the prickling feeling in my throat as everytime I gasp for air, it burned. I didn’t know what to do, so I got up and sprinted to the hallway, trying to find the nearest bathroom as if I had suddenly forgotten the place where I created many memories; the hallway where we caused mischief, the hallway where we danced as the sun sets above us, the first place where I met him.
Frantically searching for the bathroom, it felt like the walls were looming over me and that the ground was stretching over; It was as if the hallway was trying to swallow me. And yet my feet kept on moving on their own, scrambling across the hallway to the bathroom.
I slammed the door shut behind me as I finally got the solitary peace I yearned for.
My legs felt like jelly as they failed to support my weight and I fell to the freezing harsh floor, back against the door. There it was again. The itch in my throat. The coughing fit was happening a second time. All I could feel was despair as I gasped for air, begging to be finally free from this misery. Maybe just maybe something took pity on me and finally had given me mercy as the first petal had ultimately gone out of my mouth.
I sat there ultimately shocked, it had taken me a moment to regain my strength to get back on my feet. I unsteadily strolled out of the bathroom to the hallway feeling lost but knowing that this was just the beginning. Unbeknownst to me, I wasn’t alone at that moment.
If only someone had warned me of the future, would I have chosen to be close to you again? What a silly question that is as I reminisced about the biggest mistake I had ever made.
“Whoever’s last in the cafeteria is a rotten egg!” Len shouted as she ran across the hallway. Ying and I looked at each other with mirthful smirks on our faces, knowing that both of us won’t lose. Ying and Len had always been my best friends and as always our rivalry usually is the reason why we get into a lot of trouble; today wasn’t an exception. Without a second thought, I ran as fast as I could as the cool breeze came in contact with my face. It felt like we went back in time once again, free as a bird soaring through the sky.
Abruptly, instead of the cool breeze, I came in contact with a cold hard chest. We both fell hard to the ground. I had accidentally bumped into a classmate of mine; he had bright blonde hair that reminded me of the sun and emerald green eyes that glared into my ruby eyes.
I snapped back to reality, realizing the mess I had caused. “I am so sorry, I didn’t pay attention-” I tried to explain myself while trying to pick up the paints that were scattered around.
“Well, you should.” He glared at me as he stood up to brush off the nonexistent dust in his clothes. I quickly gathered all the paints and stood up to give him his belongings.
“Sorry about that, I swear it won’t happen again.” but the blonde-haired boy just went past me, leaving me by myself in the hallway. “Could've said something other than just walking away” I grumbled as I walked into the cafeteria, not wanting to cause another inconvenience.
“Take it easy on yourself, it’s normal for Aegnor to react that way, the only thing he’s able to do is glare, glare, and glare.” Ying tried to comfort me as I continued to complain non-stop about Aegnor’s attitude. However, I still couldn’t help but be curious about the so-called “quiet boy”.
“Oh no, I know that look in your eyes. You shall not bother him, Shiro,” Ying warned me while munching his lunch.
“Gross, don’t talk while you chew. Besides, it’s about time he made a friend in this school,” I said with a mischievous smile on my face.
“Just remember curiosity killed the cat, my friend.” No longer was I listening to what Ying said, as I put together my master plan to approach Aegnor.
The next day when the bell rings throughout the whole school, I excitedly packed my books into my bag, wanting to set my plan into fruition as I only had exactly 45 minutes until lunch was over.
“You sure it’s a good idea to follow him? It’s quite creepy if you asked me,” Ying told me as Len nodded in agreement. “Yeah, Ying’s right you know.” But I wasn’t bothered.
“It’ll be fine, I just want to talk to him. That’s all,” I said as I finally finished packing my bag. “Besides, it’s time that I get some time away from you guys.” I didn’t wait for their response as I saw Aegnor walking out of the classroom.
I quietly followed him as he strolled outside the school into the abandoned greenhouse. The greenhouse was a glorious place filled with a variety of flowers. It was known that students would often come and take care of the plants while enjoying the sunny glaze. Unfortunately, an incident happened causing it to be abandoned.
I stepped inside the greenhouse wondering why on earth Aegnor would come here. The place was almost in ruins, however, I can still see the former glory it once had. Many of the sculptures the students did were still intact. Not long after roaming around the place, I saw Aegnor sitting near a tree where his painting equipment was brought out, painting what seems to be one of the only plants that were alive.
“Lotuses” I quietly whispered, even though my voice was silent as a ghost Aegnor still noticed me. “It’s quite lonely here, don’t you think?” I sat down next to him, taking a glimpse of the unfinished painting. He finally acknowledged my existence saying “I was at peace with nature until you came in.”
“Nature…” I sat in silence watching the dying lotus pond in front of us. In a blink of an eye, it felt like a vine was crawling through my arm pulling me closer to the pond. Knowing the truth behind those vines, I snapped back to reality, desperately wishing for a distraction.
“Fun fact, lotuses were seen to be a symbol of purity as they rose through the mud, blooming gracefully.” Aegnor interrupted the daze I was in as he continued to neatly stroke the canvas with his brush.
“Huh, I didn't know that… I’m sorry for following you here. I needed a break and I also thought you might need some company? To fill in the silence I mean,” I replied while my fingers were fiddling with the grasses nearby.
“Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have someone here while painting.” Hearing those words, I smiled brightly and began to ramble about random things I had encountered. Even though Aegnor wasn’t much of a talker, I knew he was listening as he would nod or grunt once in a while and sometimes contribute to the conversation. At the end of the day, one thing I know for sure is that both of us enjoyed each other's company.
That was two years ago as everything had changed now. Our friendship had indeed bloomed, we talked and shared everything with each other; our fears, our goals, our troubles, and all of our little secrets. Snickering, little secrets. Nevertheless now is not the time to reminisce about those times as I stared at the palm of my hand where a pool of blood had dripped down to the kitchen floor.
Ever since the first petal came out, more and more petals had come out until eventually, buds of flowers started to engulf my lungs. I chuckled amusedly as this had been forced into my daily routine now. At first, it overwhelmed me; the random daydreaming, and the continuous coughing fit, it scared me.
Alas, no matter how hard I coughed, it didn't erase the itch that was inside my throat. It felt like something was scratching inside of me, desperately climbing its way up my throat reaching for the surface, forcing out a trickle of blood to violently spill from my lips.
Every night was endless torture, haunting me in both reality and dreams; vines thrusting their way to wrap themselves around my body dragging me back to the pond of an endless abyss. It seemed like the disease had also been sucking up my emotions with the very exception of that one emotion. Flowers that kill, I chuckled inwardly, funny how flowers are supposed to be majestic and pretty, its sole purpose is to flatter people with its gracefulness, and yet the harmless little was slowly but surely killing me.
A buzzing noise coming from my phone snapped me from my trance. “Can we talk?” A message from Ying asking if he could come here. I instantly replied, “Sure, be here at 15?” With a quick confirmation, I went on finishing what I was doing before. What was I doing again? Oh right, I better make two cups of coffee. Funny how he had always liked it bitter despite being so sweet.
Finishing my two carefully mixed creations, the doorbell rang. I immediately opened the door to be faced with a warm hug. “What’s up with you today?” I giggled as Ying finally let go of me, expecting to see a friendly face, instead, I was met with a grim frown. “Come in, I made you some coffee. Your eyebags’ favorite,” I drolly added, trying to lighten up the mood as I let him inside my apartment.
Ying swiftly made his way toward the couch while I grabbed the two mugs and gave him his cold brew. A moment of awkward silence had gone by and none of us said a word; just staring at the black void of our mugs. “When were you going to tell me about this?” Ying broke the deafening silence.
What bad timing, the itch was back. “What do you mean?” gripping my mug tightly, hoping that he wouldn’t notice.
“This! whatever it is that’s happening to you. You keep dozing off, barely paying attention to anything! I’m worried, Shiro, I really am. This had first started when Aegnor left. Did he do something? You keep coughing uncontrollably and whenever Len and I ask you, you always say it's “nothing”. It doesn’t feel like it’s nothing, Shiro.” Ying was desperately trying to reach out to me.
I tried, I wanted to apologize but once again the only thing that came out were harsh dry coughs as the only thing I could focus on was Ying’s worried look. Ying hurriedly went to fetch me some cool water, hoping it would help me. It doesn’t, unfortunately. I had tried to suppress the flower multiple times but in the end it always came out.
I ushered Ying out of the way when I went to rush to the bathroom, ashamed of myself. I quickly shut the door and had my back pushed against it. Feeling deja vu as I heard Ying knocking rhythmically, worriedly, on the door. “Shiro, please , don't lock me out this time too.” I couldn’t. I couldn't face him, looking at his worried face.
As the desperate knocking continued in the background, at long last, the first bloomed flower had finally come out of my mouth. It looked so beautiful despite being covered in blood, as if it was mocking me. Did I lock the door again? I didn't have time to ponder as the door had burst open, Ying could only stare in frozen shock for a minute before defeatedly draping down to hug me. If both of our clothes had blooming red stains on it, nobody had commented on it.
“It’s Aegnor, isn't it?”
I hurriedly ran across the hallway to the abandoned greenhouse. Can I even call it abandoned anymore? We had been taking care of it; especially the now-thriving shimmering lotus pond. There he was, sitting near the tree enjoying the clear sky without a care in the world. “You! How could you?!” I stomped to him, trying to hold back my tears. He looked so lost and confused, before hanging his head low in realization, in regret, in shame .
“I’m sorry,” Aegnor looked down to the green grass.
“You’re leaving and you didn't even bother to tell me?! I thought we would tell everything to each other! I had to find out from this random girl that I didn't even know of! Tell me that this isn't true!” I shouted at him, trying to calm my temper down.
Bits of my tears had escaped and poured down to my face. “I was hoping we wouldn't get to this. I'm sorry you had to learn about this that way, but it's true, I’m moving to England in a couple of days for university.” He was still staring down at the ground. I shake his shoulder in distress, hoping for relief.
“Please, look at me. Please , tell me it's not true…Why must our goodbye be like this..?”
It's funny how the day Aegnor left was also the day this dreadful disease seized my lungs captive. A couple of months went by and my condition was worsening as Ying was the only person who knew the truth behind my illness.
He’s been very caring and gentle with me, not wanting to leave my side. He begged me to get surgery which I immediately turned down, it was just a stupid idea. I’m content with what I have going on right now, no matter how selfish it may seem. However, it seems like it's been getting harder and harder to get out of bed, as if the days were pulling me down just like a sinking ship.
But for once, luck had been on my side as I had already graduated from school. Free from all those hectic classes that I had to previously attend. Nonetheless, I decided to write letters to him, letters that won’t ever get mailed; stored inside an old box.
Entry #3
It’s funny how my illness has somehow allowed me to relieve my old habit of writing. It has been a long time since I wrote something, my handwriting is a bit wonky and I’m unable to express myself as I used to, proven by my previous entries.
I would say I’m doing fine, however, the majority would disagree, if only they knew. While stirring my tea, I wondered if things would’ve gone differently if I had chosen to be obedient at that time. I hate the fact of how wary we are now of each other; like an invisible barrier had separated us apart, tip-toeing around each other as if I’m a broken shell, in need to be secured and untrustworthy of being left alone. And here you are, always checking up on me every single day even when I assured you that I’m capable of dealing with this by myself.
I’m at ease with how I am right now, having you with me here was enough. More than enough, more than what I deserved, honestly. Maybe, you constantly checking up on me is the reason why this disease is speeding up. But I can’t help it…
Watching you draw has always been my favorite thing. The way you would excitedly show me your masterpiece of art and would fiddle with your hands while waiting for my answer. Obviously, every drawing of yours is a gem to me and when I compliment your art, you would smile so brightly that it hurts. It hurts that I knew by heart that you wouldn’t ever feel the same way.
I’ve seen the way you looked at our classmate; you would always brighten up whenever we mentioned her. The way you would always chipper about how cool she is, how fun she is. What else can I do but be a good friend and support you? I thought that it would've been fine as long as I can stay by your side. I still do…
I admit my mistake as I’ve always been foolish. I’m scared to lose you. Every time I wanted to tell you the truth, the haunting thought came to mind ‘you’re ruining your friendship with him’ and it scares me. It scares me so much. I know that I’m probably not going to be any better. Should I just tell you? How ironic, dying due to a broken heart.
I suppose it’s goodbye for now…
- Love, Shiro
A few letters had turned to dozens. Dozens of sealed letters were stored safely inside that box of hers. It pains me to see her condition every day. She often would stare blankly at white bland walls, probably daydreaming about anything and nothing as I had to frequently change the bucket full of budding lotus flowers.
I had repeatedly asked myself, ‘Why won’t she confess her feelings?’ Lord, she can barely even do anything. I pleaded to her multiple times to send those letters she so dearly wrote, every single day. I even begged her to just tell Aegnor the truth, about everything . As always, she would just brush me off and resume writing.
Frustrated with her stubbornness, I decided to send those letters to Aegnor myself without her knowing. Hoping that Aegnor would do the right thing as I sneakily took the box containing the dozens of sealed letters while Shiro was sleeping. I hoped to God that she would forgive me for this, as I’m doing this for the sake of her well-being. “Sorry…” I softly muttered as I headed out to the post office, confidence filled me with a tint of agony.
Every step I took to the post office was filled with uneasiness. My head was filled to the brim with the thought of ‘Am I doing the right thing? What if I got it all wrong?’ as I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. ‘ No, she’s going to die, Ying. Whatever the outcome is, you at least tried your best to protect her. I’m sure Aegnor would feel the same way and everything would go back to normal once again.’ I attempted to assure myself, hurrying to arrive at the post office as soon as possible. Wishing with dear life that everything is going to be alright. Wishing that once again, Shiro would be free from this cruel curse. Wishing that she wasn't in love with him.
After mailing the letters, I jogged to Shiro’s apartment hoping she would understand my decision. As I unlocked the door to her apartment I could hear her shouting at me, “What. Did. You. Do?” She glared at me frantically searching for what I assumed was her box of letters.
“I’m doing this for you, Shiro, I know it wasn’t my right to send those letters but I had to! Seeing you all pale skin and bones is also hurting me too!” Trying to explain my reasoning as I tried to approach her, “ Please , understand that I had to do what I had to do to save you,”
“What you had to do!? This is my business! I never asked for any of your help. I didn’t need your help!” She panted but it quickly dawned on her what she had just said. “ Wait - what I meant to say was-”
I interrupted her, impassively uttering, “Right. I deeply apologize for what I’ve done, I knew my actions were wrong from the very start. But it really pains me to see you suffer every single day, Shiro. What was I supposed to do, just stand here while watching you wither away right before my very eyes?!” Shiro stared at me, gaping in shock, tears pouring from her gorgeous eyes. I calmed myself down from my frustration, I knew that my emotions were getting the best of me. “I don’t want to argue with you anymore. Please , you’re sick, Shiro, get some rest.” I quickly made an excuse to escape. Scared to hear her reply, I hastened out of the apartment with a heavy heart.
Just as I did, I felt a small drop of water hitting my face. 'What great timing’ I thought bitterly as the rain poured down, hot wet liquid spattering on my face. I contemplated the whole time whether I had made the right decision or not. Whether it was tears or rain falling down my cheeks, I did not care to know.
Time slowly went by as a week already passed since our shouting match and I’ve grown very worried about her. There has been zero contact from her whatsoever, none at all. Silence is all there is. I was far too afraid to talk to her, so I buried myself in drawing; sketching lotuses, as it is the only thing I could think of. But the more I drowned myself with the hand sketched flowers, the more the memories of that argument taunted me. I was incredibly frustrated with myself.
With how much I dwelled in my own self disappointment, art became more of a burden instead of a distraction. So I invited Len for a cup of Boba, hoping to lessen my burden with her there.
It’s 4:12pm as I checked the time on my watch. I rushed to the front door, grabbing my shoes on the way, as I was already late to the hangout with Len. ‘Shit, Len is going to be so angry’ Frustrated with myself while trying to tie my shoes as fast as I could.
Finally, after tying my shoes I walked outside the door, briefly glancing at the mailbox as I saw the flag was raised. Quickly locking the front door, I immediately walked to the mailbox, trying to see what was inside. ‘Is it my watercolor paint? That was faster than I thought.’ I opened the mailbox not to see my paint but instead of a white envelope. “What is this? A letter?” I mumbled and grabbed the letter wondering who would possibly send a letter to me. As I was about to check the sender of the letter, my phone buzzed like crazy. I hastily grabbed my phone to see an incoming call from none other than Len. `Oh shoot! it’s Len’ as I answered the call and abruptly shoved the letter inside my pocket.
“Where are you?? You’re supposed to be here 12 minutes ago! I’ve been waiting for ages . And don’t use any dumb excuses, young lad.” She screamed into my ear, she sounded furious .
I quickly responded, not wanting to make her even angrier. “Chill, I’m almost there in 15 minutes. I’ll call you when I get there.” I ended the phone call not wanting to hear her nag at me once more.
“Okay, seriously, first you arrived late and now you didn’t even touch any of your drink. You need to tell me what’s going on with you and Shiro. I’m not that dumb you know? I’ve known you two for years, I know Shiro’s hiding something and that you would always cover for her. And besides, you’ve been all mopey lately, which isn't you at all.” Len claimed as she took another sip of her boba. I sighed not knowing what to say as the guilt was rushing back to me again.
“She’s sick, isn’t she? I was there with her when she had one of her coughing fits. I thought that she just had a cold. Thinking about it, it obviously was not...” Len looked down at the table, feeling annoyed with her obliviousness.
“She’s getting better right? She hasn’t contacted me for a week now… So I thought she needed some time for herself or something. To be frank, I’m worried , Ying.” She added,
“You’re right… She is sick, maybe even gravely so. She caught the hanahaki disease. And it’s been going on for a very long time now.” I told Len with my trembling voice as I tried to keep it in.
I slowly continued saying, “I’m also worried, Len. I'm scared , she barely eats anything now, even her favorite foods. She doesn't sleep at night, she keeps asking me if I could read her a bedtime story. And I did, however, one bedtime story turns into two bedtime stories, two bedtime stories turn into three bedtime stories, and it goes on, and on. The only thing that she was capable of doing is to drink and write. “ I took a moment to take deep breaths as I tried to regain self-control.
“That's all she does, day and night. Sometimes, I couldn't look her in the eye, afraid that tears would fall from my eyes. I had to be the strong one for her, you know?” I couldn’t hold in the familiar sting in my eyes any longer, tears poured down my face as I continuously tried to wipe them away.
“How about we go to her place right now? Y’know… to check up on her; it also seems like you need to see her.” Len tried to comfort me by half hugging me.
“Alright…” As I took deep breaths, preparing myself for what was soon to come.
“Shirooo! We’re here! We wanted to check up on you,” as Len knocked on Shiro’s apartment door. I started getting nervous when she didn’t answer for a second time.
“It seems like she won’t answer the door,” I pulled out the spare key to Shiro’s apartment. It was given to me since I frequently stopped by and took care of her. With the door finally unlocked, we quickly went inside searching for her, “Shiro!? Where are you?” we shouted, hoping to hear a response.
With the tension rising, I hurriedly ran into the bathroom as it was the only place I can think of where Shiro would be right now. Although, as I opened the door to the bathroom, all I could do was stare in stupefaction; the haunting feeling of dreadfulness had come back.
There she was, Shiro’s motionless form covered in a blanket of blood. Pale blue lips, smeared with dry vermillion, a figure with little to no meat, cracks running across veiny skin where flower buds flourished. It's a terrifying feeling, the horrid look on Shiro’s body that starts to consume me.
Len’s voice had quickly become a buzz in my ear, the longer it goes on, the longer my thoughts run wild as they clash violently inside my head. However, they had all agreed on one thing; that all of this was my fault.
‘This is all my fault’
‘This is all my fault’
‘This is all my fault-’
“ Shiro!” Len’s screaming has brought me back to reality. “What are you doing !? Call the damn ambulance! Now! ” she demanded as she held Shiro’s lifeless figure in her arms. I quickly pulled out my phone, dialing the ambulance, hoping, wishing, praying that Shiro was going to be okay.
“She’s currently in critical condition, however, we’re trying to save her to the best of our capabilities. You both are lucky, any longer you brought her here, she would’ve flatline.” The doctor told the both of us, and we both sighed in relief as there was still a chance of Shiro’s survival.
Although the relief was short lived , as soon as the doctor was out of sight, Len sharply turned to glare at me saying, “How could you …” As I stood there looking at her in chilling silence, not knowing what to say. “Say something ! God dammit!” Len slapped me across the face.
“I trusted you! I had pretended to be oblivious because I thought you would take care of her!” huge tears were pouring from her eyes. “I'm sick and tired of both of you! Always keeping me in the dark! Am I not your friend? Do my feelings not matter to you both?” Len looked in rage, she looked so hurt.
"How would you feel if your friend has been dying and nobody told you? You had to find out by having her lifeless body in your hand. You both are selfish! Shiro's risking her life, for what? Just to keep her precious feelings while the rest of us suffer!? She didn't even bother to even try . Try to find out if her feelings are reciprocated or not. " She added. I wasn’t able to face her, knowing that she was right.
Maybe we are selfish. If only I had stayed by her side. If only I had still taken care of her. If only I had been there . “I’m sorry…” I whispered under my breath, wishing I could turn back the time. “Len, we're so sorry-” I said in a louder voice, my voice cracking, however before I could even say anything Len interrupted me.
"No! Shut up! Let me finish god dammit. Despite all this…I'm also to blame" She lowered her head down, "I was aware…I was aware that something was wrong but I convinced myself that everything was going to sort itself out, thinking that everything is going to be alright, wishing it was alright. But instead I had left Shiro to suffer and put all of the burden on you. I should've been there. I should've asked something. God dammit!" There she was, breaking down in front of me. I rushed to hug her, trying to give her comfort that she needs, trying to give her the comfort that she deserved.
After what it feels like eternity, we finally let go of each other as we’re trying to calm ourselves down. “I’m going to take a walk outside. Thinking over everything.” I told Len, breaking the peaceful silence as I knew both of us needed some alone time.
Len continuously nodded as she’s trying to get the snot off her face. “Here.” I pulled out the tissue I had kept inside my pocket. “Thanks but that’s gross. Who knows if that’s clean or not.” She tried to joke, brightening up the mood. We both nodded to each other as we both left to do our own businesses.
As the freezing air hit my face, I shuddered, contemplating whether the air was colder than usual or was it just the absence of someone else. Thinking about everything that led up to this event. What was I doing ? Why did I even leave her in the first place…? I looked to the ominous yet comforting dark sky. The stars twinkling above me, dancing without a care in the world. I chuckled softly as I wished to be like them too.
A single tear escaped my eye while I watched the beautiful sky circling above me. ‘God, there’s Len’s snot all over my face’ Wanting to grab the tissues Len earlier refused to clean my face. However, instead of the tissue-like feel, my hand felt the texture of crumpled up paper.
I came into recognition as it is the letter I had shoved in earlier. Curiosity peaked my interest as I checked who it was from.
Aegnor .
Desperation had come back unwelcomingly, I stood in the middle of the sidewalk for a moment. It felt like somebody just poured freezing cold water on top of me, reminding me of the true horror of our predicament. ‘ Is it selfish of me, if I wanted her not to like Aegnor? Is it selfish of me, if I could go back in time and just be with her—‘
Without waiting for another moment I swiftly ripped the opening of the letter wanting to see what Aegnor wrote. Confusion filled me as I recognized Shiro’s letter inside the envelope. Soon that desperation turned into dreadness as I read the contents of Aegnor’s letter.
- Fifth avenue
England
11th October
Dear Ying,
I hope you’re doing well, however, I’m unsure what your intention is with sending me Shiro’s letter. It seems that you’ve confused yourself with something. You should see her letters yourself as I’ve put her latest letter inside this envelope. Forgive me as I didn’t send you all of the letters. I promise I’ll soon give you the rest of the letters. I hope you find the answer that you were looking for.
Kind regards,
Aegnor
‘ It seems that you’ve confused yourself with something.’ I read that passage over, and over, and over again. “Confused myself with something? What did I confuse myself with??” I muttered angrily, “Where did I get it all wrong?!” Still in disbelief I wasted no time to finally read Shiro’s letter.
Entry #24
It became frighteningly obvious as I don’t have much time left in this sickening world. I’ve grown very, very, very tired as the only light that shines brightly in my world is you. I can’t help but think about what became of the lotus pond since both Aegnor and I left. Would it still continue to thrive? or would it be dead by the time I’m able to go there? Whenever that is.
You had always loved lotuses, funny how now you desperately hate them. I still remembered the day when you asked us what flower would represent you as Len excitingly responded with lotuses. Ever since then, you would occasionally draw lotuses as a symbol of strength. I had always admired you, you know? Seeing you never back down from a fight and coming back even stronger. Never letting anyone break you apart.
Did you know? I’ve always loved you. Even though at first, we didn’t get along at all. I still remember the day when we first met. You confronted me in that hallway, thinking that I had been talking bad behind Len’s back. I obviously had fought back, ever since then we would always constantly fight. Until one day where we both got detention from fighting in class, in the middle of detention where we sneaked out of class as we heard the sound of music coming from the music club.
You held my hand, inviting me to dance out of nowhere. I always thought you were a weirdo for it, but never let go of your hand. That was the time where your eyes shined dazzlingly as it burned into my memories. What a memory indeed. How I wish it wasn’t a memory but stayed as a reality.
I’m tired. I’m so tired. The weight of this pain is a lot for me to handle, however, the thought of losing my feelings scares me even more. I also can’t help but notice that my letters are becoming shorter and shorter as I don’t have much strength to write them anymore.
I hope you’ll soon have someone that is able to be by your side, unlike me, who is a coward. But I can’t help but wonder, if I had passed away, would you still remember me? Maybe, you would. But how about in a couple of years?
If death came by knocking on my door, would you nonetheless continue staying by my side?
I’m sorry for being selfish as I don't deserve you. But I can’t help the fact that I’m always at ease with you here.
I’m sorry, I’m scared. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. I was so scared, imagining life without you. How life would be when the light of my life had abandoned me…
I had spent my time with Aegnor, talking about you . Every single day. Fearing if you knew, you would leave me. Despite all that, it’s ironic how you think it’s Aegnor while, this whole time, it has always been you.
I love —
A trail of smudged ink mixed with blood covered the last segment of the letter, indicating Shiro’s loss of consciousness. I was stunned and left speechless as I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read the letter, over and over and over again. Pinching myself, making sure that this wasn’t a dream as I pierced together the identity of Shiro’s beloved.
”It’s me … it has always been me,” I muttered, my voice barely above a whisper. A new piece of hope flamed inside me, flickering at first but steadily growing, spreading like a wildfire. A new profound strength surged through me, propelling me forward as I made my way back to the hospital, my grip on the letter tightening with every step. The endless what-ifs that once plagued my head fell silent, as if they had never existed, drowned out by a single, overwhelming truth.
I love her…and she loves me.
The words crashed over me like a tidal wave, filling every corner of my mind, overpowering every doubt, every regret. Still in disbelief, I kept my eyes locked on Shiro’s letter, rereading her words as if they would vanish if I looked away. My heart pounded, my emotions spiraling between elation and urgency.
‘All these years…We could’ve avoided this mess .’
I picked up my pace, my legs moving faster, my body acting on instict.
‘ That damn idiot! why didn’t she just tell me!?’
Everything blurred around me as my feet pounded against the pavement. ‘Faster and faster! ’ until my breath came in sharp gasps, my pulse hammering in my ears.
‘Lord, I love her so much’
But then, something shifted. The burning determination in my chest twisted into something colder. The hope that had lifted me now trembled beneath the weight of fear.
A sinking, suffocating fear.
I ran.
I ran as fast as I could, praying–no, begging– that there was still time.