Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jay sits down on the bench, their bench. The one along Lakefront Trail overlooking the water. It’s close enough to hear the city, but far enough from prying eyes. He’s lost count of how many times he has sat in this exact spot with her by his side. It must have been over a hundred times. Starting back when they were going for a run as partners, taking a short break to catch their breath and drink some water, until one of them would challenge the other to keep going. Jay can still vividly see the mischievous look in Hailey’s eyes, as they made a bet: the loser having to pay for the deep dish that they would later devour together.

He misses those days, he misses her.

As their friendship and relationship developed, the time spent at their bench in between their runs expanded. Five minutes became fifteen. Fifteen, half an hour. And before they knew it, they sometimes spent several hours in this exact spot. A comfortable silence between them as they watch the rest of Chicago’s residence trying to enjoy the nice weather rush by. 

His fingers trace over the J+H that he carved into this very bench, all those years ago. A bit childish, he admits. But it had been worth the reaction it had sparked from Hailey. She first told him off for damaging public property, but he’d simply raised his eyebrows asking who she was gonna call, ‘the police? We’re already here, Hails’. And Hailey had laughed so hard she snorted. Her smile took over her face, dimple on full display. And Jay swore he fell in love with her even more that day.

Hailey’s smile. God, how he misses seeing those beautiful lips curl up whenever she teased him or he made her laugh. It feels like forever since he has last seen or heard Hailey laugh. Perhaps that should have been the first sign that things between them weren’t the same ever since he came home from Bolivia a few months ago. They weren’t awful, far from it, but they also weren’t what they used to be, before. ‘Before it all went to hell,’ he hears himself think. 

Jay hates himself for leaving. For letting things spin out of their control like this. He had a hard time facing the changes once he came back from his mission. And he can’t even be mad at Hailey for any of it, because he knows he’s to blame. That while he was trying to find himself again, he lost sign of them . 

He hasn’t been back here since his return. The thought of sitting here alone being nearly unbearable to comprehend. It made him wonder if she went here on her own, when he was in Latin America fighting a war. If she looked at the people, the waterfront, thinking of him, only to find the seat next to her empty for months. He knows she is much stronger than him. He’ll be the first to admit that, although he knows she’d argue with him about it.

So seven months after his return home, he had dragged himself back here. Back to their spot. Perhaps he should have done it months ago, maybe that would have made a difference. But Jay is more than self aware enough to admit to himself that it probably wouldn’t have made a difference for her, for them . He screwed up, and now he was paying the price for his mistakes. The ultimate price: losing the love of his life.

Maybe that’s why he came here today of all days. He needed to feel closer to Hailey, just one more time. So for a few extra minutes he could pretend like things hadn’t changed, that she was on her way to meet him here and that everything between them was still okay. But unfortunately the world does not work like that.

He wasn’t exactly sure what to do or expect once he got here. He had kinda hoped that the answers would come to him as soon as he sat down and took it all in. But he’s been here for all of fifteen minutes, and the spot next to him is still as empty as before, almost as if it’s mocking him.

Throughout their entire relationship they always found each other here, at this very bench. So he secretly hoped it could do that for them again. Just one more time.

One last time.

It’s right here that they made some of the biggest decisions of their lives. It’s where he first came to realize that he could actually fall in love with her, that perhaps he already had. It’s also where they came and made up after their first official fight as a couple. It’s where Hailey had officially asked him to move in with her. And where they eventually agreed to buy a new apartment together. Somewhere they’d both be able to call a home from the moment they started living there. Where they hoped they’d get to start their family one day. 

It’s strange how over the past few months, that apartment had started to feel less and less like a home. Now Jay hadn’t stepped foot in it for well over seven weeks. 

Crashing on Will’s couch was far from ideal, but it was the best option he had. He did not want to be separated from Hailey for this long, or ever again. Not after realizing what his extended stay in Bolivia had done to her. What it had cost him, them. It felt like his entire body was screaming out at him in agony, waiting for him to fix the mess he’d made. He wants nothing more than to be able to fix the situation they have unfortunately found themselves in. He just wants to be close to the woman he loves once more.

It was their spot. Theirs . And Jay wonders who will get it after this afternoon. Once all of this is over.

He has been sitting here for a while, twisting the wedding ring that Hailey had placed on his finger nearly three years ago. He hasn’t been able to take it off yet. Because he feels like once he does all of this will start to feel too real.

All hope that Hailey would eventually show up had been lost a few minutes ago. Yet Jay can’t bring it in himself to move.

He’s running late. Jay knows he should move and make his way to the courthouse, but he is frozen in place. His legs feel like they’re somehow glued to their bench. Clutching onto the memories it holds for just a little while longer. Not ready to let go. Not ready to walk away.

He wonders if they’ll come here together after, to end this chapter of their lives together in the one very spot where it all began. It would only seem fitting. Part of him wishes they would, even if it is only so he can be close to Hailey one more time. Share this special spot with her once more. But he knows he wouldn’t be able to deal with it. And neither would Hailey. And if Jay’s being honest, he doesn’t want to taunt this place with the awful decision they are about to make.

Or the decision Hailey had made for them. The decision Jay only respects and accepts because he knows it’s what Hailey wants. And he doesn’t have it in him to tell Hailey no. Not even about this. If this is what Hailey wants, then Jay will learn how to live with it. How to live without her.

He lets go of the wedding ring that he has been twisting around between his fingers. All Jay can think about is how it metaphorically stands for how he will have to let go of their marriage today. A single tear slides down Jay’s cheek and instead of immediately wiping it away before anyone can even notice it. He allows himself to feel the heaviness of this moment. The life he envisioned for himself, the future he had wanted for him and Hailey, no longer exists. He isn’t just grieving losing the love of his life today, his grieving losing the rest of his life too. 

The realization that he is not only losing his wife, but also his very best friend in this entire world today is all it takes for Jay to completely break down. Suddenly he cannot stop the tears from falling anymore and he has never been more grateful for the little privacy their spot has to offer. His quiet sobs make his throat dry and his heart ache even more.

And Jay wonders. Is it really too late to turn all of this around? Is there nothing they can do to stop themselves from having to go through with this? He’s willing to do anything. He’ll quit this new job, the thing that drove them apart. He’ll stay home forever if that’s what it takes to save them, to save their marriage. But he is scared it’s not enough. Hailey has made up her mind and all Jay can do is learn to accept it, even if it’s the hardest thing he’ll ever have to do in his life.

It’s his ringtone that eventually snaps Jay out of his own sorrow. He ignores the call– he knows who it’s from. He knows only one person who would be trying to reach him right now. It hurts knowing Hailey is waiting for him to show up one final time. ‘The last time,’ Jay reminds himself. His chest tightens, and he feels like he can no longer breathe.

The phone eventually goes silent, and with it so do Jay’s sobs.

Jay is unsure how much time has passed since he got here. It’s only when the phone rings for a third time, that he realizes he can’t put this off forever. Even though he sure wishes he could.

It takes everything in Jay to physically remove himself from the bench. To make his feet move, one step in front of the other, towards the courthouse he should have been at ten minutes ago.

The same courthouse where he vowed he’d choose to join his life with hers, forever. And he swears, knowing that this is also the place where it will all end, hurts more than any bullet piercing his skin ever did.

So that’s where Jay finds himself a few minutes later, at the courthouse, in front of a white door that leads to the meeting he dreads with every fiber of his being.

He knows who will be waiting for him at the other side of the door, and Jay isn’t sure he’s ready to face her just yet. He hasn’t seen Hailey in weeks. They have spoken occasionally on the phone, and they had that one awkward run in when Jay stopped by the house with Will to pick up some of his clothes, but he hasn’t seen Hailey since. And although everything in him is screaming, begging to see Hailey again, Jay isn’t sure how he’ll react once he actually does. Once Hailey’s eyes find his own and all he can notice is how they no longer hold that sparkle in them that he fell in love with all those years ago.

Jay’s hand finds the door handle, but he doesn’t have it in him to open the door, because once he does his life will never be the same. He takes a deep breath, dreading the rest sixty, or so, minutes off his life. But in reality, dreading the rest of his life. A life without Hailey. How did they even get to this point? They loved each other, right? ‘ Love ,’ Jay corrects himself. They still love each other.

Or maybe Hailey doesn’t love him anymore. Not in the way she used to at least. It hurts to even think about the fact that Hailey could possibly have fallen out of love with him. Jay doesn’t even want to think about that possibility, but it’s like his mind plays the thought on loop just to torture him.

Jay will never forget the day Hailey, the love of his life, stood in front of him with tear stains all over her cheeks, suggesting that perhaps they should just get divorced. 

“This isn’t working out, Jay. It hasn’t been for months. Things have changed. You’ve changed. I’ve changed. We’ve changed. We can’t act like you never left to go to Bolivia. That you did not leave me in Chicago not being able to get a hold of you for nearly 13 months. And I understand. I understand why you felt like you had to do this, but I– I can’t do this anymore Jay. I just can’t.”

“What does that mean?” Jay asks fear, taking over his entire body.

“I- I think it’s better if we end this.”

“This?”

All Jay needs to confirm his thoughts is the look Hailey sends him. Us . 

Jay shakingly takes a step back, hoping he’ll wake up from what must be a nightmare. But deep down, Jay can’t help but understand and even agree. He was just too scared to bring it up. Too scared to even think about it. But with Hailey being at work during the day, and Jay’s new job requiring him to be gone for longer periods of time, they had barely seen each other or spent any time together over the past months. Of course Hailey’s right. She’s always right. They may be living together, but they never act like they are actually… together. Not anymore.

Whenever they do see each other it’s like they don’t even know what to talk about anymore. Conversations are awkward and the things they end up talking about are never of any importance to either of them. It’s like they’re walking on eggshells around each other. Constantly.

After a tense moment Jay finally finds his voice. “Is that what you want?”

It’s barely a whisper, yet his own voice keeps ringing in his ears as if he screamed it at the top of his lungs. His heart hurts as he takes in the look on Hailey’s face.

“I don’t know what I want anymore, Jay. All I know is that this?” Hailey says, motioning between the two of them, “This thing that’s going on between us? This is not it.”

And Jay doesn’t know what to say to that. He’s never seen Hailey this broken before. This hurt. She seems lost and Jay would want nothing more than help guide them back towards who they used to be. Back when things were okay. When they were happy. He hates seeing Hailey like this, as if her world had been ripped away from her.

It’s also kind of how Jay feels as he realizes what Hailey’s saying. A divorce. A break up. His heart breaks at the realization, tears pooling in his eyes as he looks at Hailey. Hailey, the woman who he promised to choose and love for the rest of his life. The woman who is now standing in front of him telling him she’s no longer happy with him.

So Jay agrees. Because if this is what Hailey wants Jay will do it. If this has to be done so Hailey can be happy again then Jay will have to live with the fact that he’ll be miserable for the rest of his life.

Hailey keeps looking at him expectantly. What she’s expecting, Jay’s not sure. Deciding then and there to stay true to the promise he made her all these years ago, he does the only thing he can think of: he gives her what she asks for, what she needs. Never wanting to be the one to hold her back. So Jay looks her in the eye and nods, before walking out of the room. He doesn’t want Hailey to see him cry.

So here they are, at the courthouse two months later about to file the papers for their divorce. All that stood between Jay and a life without his soon to be ex-wife was this door.

Jay takes another deep breath, bracing himself to get ready for a life he never even wanted. A life without Hailey. He pushes the door open and it feels extremely heavy. Like the entire Universe is against him opening this door, like it should stay closed forever. Like this is a mistake. And Jay knows it is. His heart has been screaming for the past two months that all of this is wrong. But this is what Hailey wants, so Jay can’t do anything but agree. Because when he spoke his vows, he promised Hailey he’d make and keep her happy. He failed to keep up his end of that promise when he re-joined the Army without consulting her. And then once again by extending his stay for another five months. He failed her too many times these past two years. So if this is what it takes to make Hailey happy again, happy like the way they used to be together, then Jay will go through with it. For her.

Even if it means that he himself will never be happy again. There is just no way he would ever be able to feel that kind of happiness again in his life. Not without Hailey. Not with anybody else.

“Sorry I’m late.” Jay’s voice is dry when he enters the room. He quickly finds his seat, opposite Hailey, next to his lawyer.

“Of course you can’t even be on time for this.” Hailey all but snaps at him. Her words sting, hurting Jay in places he didn’t even know he could hurt.

And Jay’s not ready to look her in the eye yet, because he knows the moment he finds Hailey’s eyes he’ll break down. He cannot stand to look at the eyes that once held all the love in the world for him and not see that same love reflected in them anymore.

“I told you I’m sorry.” Jay apologizes again.

The room goes silent after that. Neither one of them knows what comes next and their lawyers are looking expectantly between the soon-to-be ex-husband and wife, as if they are waiting for one of them to make a move.

“Let’s just get this over with.” Hailey eventually says, and Jay can swear he hears her voice break. Jay wonders if maybe Hailey doesn’t want to be here either. He wonders if maybe they could still be saved.

His thoughts are interrupted by the deep voice of Hailey’s lawyer. “Well then, shall we begin?”

And just like that, Jay’s stuck in a meeting about a life he can’t stand to think about. A life, where he is no longer married to Hailey Halstead.

The meeting seems to drag on forever, and with every agreement they make, Jay’s heart breaks a little more.

They don’t fight while making their agreements. They were never big on fights anyway. Sure they had their disagreements from time to time, but things rarely escalated. This isn’t that type of divorce.

Hailey gets their apartment, it’s an easy agreement. She’s lived in said apartment alone for 13 long months before. So it makes sense she gets to stay. Jay doesn’t even want to think about living in their apartment. The one he picked out with Hailey on one of their rare days off. They had plans to start their family here eventually. He doesn’t think he can stand looking at the curtains they picked out together, or the kitchen that they had spontaneously painted one Sunday afternoon. And don’t even get him started on having to set foot into his and Hailey’s bedroom, without Hailey crawling into the bed besides him. It would simply be too much. The entire apartment screams them. Yet after this afternoon they will no longer be a ‘them’.

Jay gets to keep his own things, but he couldn’t care less. All he cares about is Hailey. Of all the things he wishes he got to keep, and every time the lawyers ask him about what things he wants to hold onto from their marriage, all his brain screams is ‘Hailey’ . But he knows he can’t say that out loud, so he doesn’t say anything at all. Only asks to keep a few things that once belonged to his mother.

It feels like he has been in here for days, although Jay knows it’s only been a little over an hour. A part of him wishes they could stay here forever. Because as long as they’re in this room, they’re still Mr. and Mrs. Halstead. Jay doesn’t want that to change. He doesn’t want to be Mr. Jay Halstead, without Hailey being Mrs. Halstead. But it’s both draining and heartbreaking to see the sadness reflected into Hailey’s eyes and Jay doesn’t know how much longer he can take it. So when Hailey’s lawyer speaks, it comes as both a blessing and a curse to Jay.

“Well, all that’s left to do is sign these papers. And that’s it.”

And that’s it. Jay can’t believe that’s it. He can't believe that all he needs to do is sign these papers and he will no longer have a wife. They’ll no longer be married. He feels like his heart is about to shatter in his chest just at the thought of putting his signature on the bottom of the page, right next to Hailey’s.

Hailey, who is accepting the papers from the woman in front of them. Jay figures this woman probably comes across these types of situations multiple times a day. Jay doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it.

Jay stops breathing for a moment when Hailey reaches for the pen on the table. He watches, quietly, how Hailey hesitates, before signing at the bottom of the form. She uses her full signature. The sloppy U, the curly H. The one she used at their wedding.

Hailey Upton . Besides at work, Jay hasn’t seen Hailey use that name in almost three years. Not since they both agreed on Hailey becoming a Halstead shortly after they got married. And it suddenly hits Jay how real all of this is. How after today their life together, the life they had envisioned, talked about, cherished and loved, will all just disappear into thin air.

He wants to scream at Hailey, wants to correct her and tell her she wrote down the wrong name, like it happened the first few times after they got married. But this isn’t a mistake like it was back then. This is what Hailey wants. She no longer wants to be a part of the Halstead family. A family they were going to expand together.

Hailey Upton. Hailey Upton. Hailey Upton.

Jay can’t stop himself from reading the name over and over again. It’s like it’s mocking Jay for all the mistakes he has made these past few months. Like it’s screaming at him to do something, anything, to stop Hailey from becoming an Upton again.

He can’t look at it any longer, his eyes now focused on his own hands in his lap. He’s picking at his nails, twisting his fingers, squeezing his hands into fists until his nails dig into his skin. Anything to distract himself from the fact that Hailey just signed their divorce papers. Everything to keep him from reminding of the fact that Hailey wants this, that Hailey is no longer happy.

When Hailey puts the pen down, Jay’s heart drops. It’s his turn.

He can’t do it. He knows he has to, that he doesn’t have a choice. But his mind is screaming at him to stop, to run, and his body isn’t cooperating. He wills his arms to move, to reach out and grab the pen, but nothing happens. He doesn’t have it in him to put in the effort. Not when his heart’s not in it.

Jay can feel all the eyes in the room on him and the unwanted extra attention makes it hard for him to breathe.

“Mr. Halstead?”

Jay clears his throat, wishing the tears that are slowly filling his eyes will stay at bay for just a little longer. Just a few more minutes until he can get out of here. A few more horrible minutes until he’s no longer married to the woman he loves the absolute most.

He doesn’t say anything, barely lifts his head. He looks up just enough to find the pen, his hand trembling as he reaches for it. Jay can feel Hailey’s gaze on him, can feel it burn, but he doesn’t look back. He can’t look back. It would be the worst kind of pain to look Hailey in the eyes, right before he lets her go forever.

Jay grips the pen tightly, knuckles turning white, and takes a deep breath. His eyes fixate on the form in front of him, barely taking the words written down on it in. He knows he can’t stall this moment forever. Jay knows he has to sign.

But when he moves his hand and puts the pen on the paper, about to agree to their divorce, he makes the mistake of looking up. His eyes lock with Hailey’s and he finds he can’t do it. His hand stills, loosening its grip on the pen, and his chest feels tight. As if a rope’s been tied around his throat, tightening with every breath he takes. The ring still on his finger burns into his skin. A painful reminder of what he’s about to lose. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, tells himself to get over it, to do this. For Hailey. Everything is always for Hailey.

But then Hailey lets out a small sigh across from him and it’s enough to break him.

“I– I need a– I’m sorry, I’m-- I need–,”

He doesn’t finish his sentence. His breathing is too fast, his heart beating out of control, and he pushes up out of his chair. The pen clatters to the table and rolls onto the floor. The room is dead silent as Jay stands there, hands balled into fists at his side. They’re all looking at him, Jay knows this. Yet all he can stare at is the form. Jay feels like it’s tormenting him, like it’s making fun of him. Hailey’s signature shoving daggers in his heart. He can’t believe Hailey really wants this.

“Mr. Halstead?”

But Jay doesn’t listen. He spins on his heel and rushes out of the room, the door slamming shut behind him. It’s deafening, the silence that follows. Jay didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t, for the love of everything dear to him, sign those papers. How is he supposed to agree to something that he doesn’t want? He loves Hailey more than anything else in this world.

How could he have let it come this far? Why didn’t he stop this all from happening? But, thinking back, Jay didn’t even realize what was happening until it was too late. Until Hailey had brought up getting a divorce and Jay saw no other solution than to agree.

He shouldn’t have. He should’ve fought for Hailey, he should’ve convinced her to make it work. If Jay had the chance now, he would do anything to make Hailey happy again. To be the one who makes Hailey happy again.

But here he is, at the courthouse. Having just run out of the room, acting like a child, while all he had to do was sign some fucking papers. And he couldn’t even do that right.

The anger he’s feeling washes over him, surprises him even. But it’s stronger than him and he punches a wall before thinking better of it. His hand throbs and it manages to distract him from the ache in his heart for a second. He rubs his hand, clenching his teeth as he sinks down on a chair in the hallway. God, how did they get here?

Jay knows he needs to get back in there. He knows he can’t just leave. Can’t just run. But running feels so much easier than giving up on them. Then giving up on Hailey. Everything seems to be easier than that.

He tries to get his breathing back to normal. In through his nose, out through his mouth. And again. His eyes are still closed, fists clenched. It’s the only thing he can do to stop himself from punching anything else. Jay knows his anger is misplaced. The only person he should be angry at is himself. It’s just so much easier to be angry at Hailey– for making him do this, for giving up on them.

Jay remembers everything so clearly. How they met at that credit union all those years ago, when he started to realize he was falling in love with Hailey. Their first kiss after she turned down a job offer from the FBI. Their stake-outs at work, and of course all of their dates. And though they barely had any, even most of their fights he can recall just like that. It’s not like their relationship was perfect, rationally Jay knows that, but it’s still the best thing that has ever happened to him.

He’s just not ready to let that go.

It’s only when he hears faint footsteps coming his way that he realizes he’s crying. He has no idea how long he’s been sitting here, but it doesn’t feel like long enough. If he could, he’d just stay here forever. Never go back in there, never sign those forms. When the footsteps come closer, Jay still doesn’t look up.

He knows who it is, just by the way she’s walking.

“You can’t just run out of there.”

And normally Jay would have a witty comeback, but not this time. He doesn’t say anything, just stares at his fists. If he squeezes any tighter he might draw blood. Jay knows he should say something. He knows he should probably reassure Hailey that he’ll be there in a second, that he’ll sign those damn papers. But he can’t. He can’t pretend to be brave anymore. He’s done enough of this, enough of acting like this is fine and like he’s okay with it when he’s not. So he looks up, searches Hailey’s face and swallows heavily when their eyes meet.

Jay knows he looks like a mess. His eyes are red and puffy from crying, dried tear stains on his cheeks. He quickly wipes his eyes, but it’s too late. Hailey sees it anyway. Jay hates the look on her face. It’s the one she had when they first met, unsure how to feel about each other. It’s guarded and harsh and even though Jay knows it’s just to protect herself, it still hurts.

“They gave us ten minutes.” Hailey says, looking away for a second before locking her gaze on Jay once more.

Jay doesn’t know what to do with that information. What is he supposed to do in ten minutes? He barely knows how to keep his shit together as it is. But Hailey is looking at him like she’s expecting something, again, and it makes Jay nervous.

“Will you at least say something?” And it’s because of how Hailey asks that question, her tone distant and indifferent, that Jay’s words come out harsher than he intends them to.

“Can you please stop talking to me like we’re strangers, Hailey.”

Hailey seems to be taken aback by Jay’s words. She’s quiet for a second, recovering from the way Jay spoke to her. Jay can tell by the way she takes a breath and folds her arms over her chest, like a shield. Trying to protect herself. He immediately scolds himself for slightly raising his voice at her. He can’t believe he just broke another promise he made her.

“It almost feels like we are.” Her voice is barely a whisper when she speaks.

“You don’t have to remind me.” Jay sighs, looking back at his fists.

Hailey takes a few steps closer. She doesn’t sit down on the chair next to Jay. She just stands there. They breathe together for a moment and they both know time’s running out. If Jay wants to say anything he should say it now. It’s his only chance. His last chance.

“Look, Jay, we agreed on this. We decided that–”

“No, you decided.” Jay says defeated. He tilts his head to see the look on Hailey’s face.

Hailey’s eyes widen at his comment. “What?”

“God, Hailey!” Jay exclaims. “Do you really think that this is what I want?”

It seems like Hailey doesn’t know what to say to that. For the first time that day, Jay sees a bit of the woman he loves in Hailey’s eyes, as if there’s a crack in those thick walls around her heart. Her arms drop from where they were crossed and she awkwardly lets them hang at her sides.

“Then why did you go along with it?” Hailey asks, voice quiet. Almost fragile.

“Because it’s what you want.” Jay’s voice cracks as he speaks, another tear rolling down his cheek. “I never wanted any of this.”

“Jay…”

It’s the first time that Hailey has said his name like that in weeks. Softer, less distant than before. It feels like it’s been ages, but Jay knows it hasn’t been that long. Yet it hurts, the way it rolls off her tongue, the way it sounds when Hailey says it. Almost like a prayer. Like a whisper.

“Why, Jay?” Hailey asks, running a hand over her face. Her eyes are watery, and Jay can see the pain in them. “Why are you only telling me this now?”

“What was I supposed to say? You’re not happy with me anymore, Hailey. I have to let you go.”

“But why now? I already signed the papers.”

And that’s what does it. A sob escapes Jay’s lips and he quickly covers his mouth with his hand. He looks away, turns his body to the other side, not wanting Hailey to see him like this. Sure, Hailey’s seen him cry before. But this is different. This time Hailey can’t reach out and comfort him. She can’t grab Jay’s hands and kiss them, she can’t pull him against her chest and hold him until the pain stops.

Because the pain will never stop.

He can feel Hailey stepping closer. Jay can feel the hesitation radiate off her. It all feels like a ticking time bomb, like the ten minutes they had been given will pass and everything will blow up and fall apart. He can’t stand the thought of it. Jay wishes he didn’t have to be here to watch it, to witness it. To live it.

“Jay, I need you to talk to me.” Hailey says sincere. There are no longer any traces of the walls she put up earlier in her voice. She almost sounds like she loves him again.

“What’s the use?” Jay asks, refusing to look at Hailey, “It’s over.”

Hailey’s breath hitches, Jay can hear it, but still he keeps his eyes trained on a spot on the floor. His eyes are burning because of the effort it takes to not let his tears fall any more. He’s so tired of crying. He’s tired of hurting. Jay wishes it would just stop.

“Please. Jay.”

But really, who is he to refuse Hailey anything? Jay has never been able to tell her no, to not give in. Hailey knows this. She’s used it to her advantage more times than Jay can count. Yet this time it’s different.

“I don’t know what to say, Hailey.” Jay admits. “Nothing I can say would make things right. I’m just too late.”

And technically Jay knows it’s not true. They’re not divorced yet, but they’re close enough to it that Jay feels like all hope is lost. He doesn’t know what he was expecting when he walked out of that courtroom. He was just hoping it would buy him a little bit more time.

“I’ll just go sign those papers.”

Jay starts to get up, his knees feeling weak underneath him. He falters, automatically reaching out to Hailey to help him find his balance, but he stops himself just in time. Jay can barely stand on his feet without wanting to collapse, but he knows he has to do this. It’s inevitable.

He goes to walk past Hailey, but is held back by a soft hand around his wrist. That touch alone is enough to put Jay back at square one. The tears he was trying so hard to keep at bay spill over once more, his lip trembling as he stands still. His back is still turned to Hailey, his shoulders slouched, head down. He doesn’t know what she’s doing.

“You haven’t signed them yet.” Hailey tells him. Jay doesn’t know why she needs to keep reminding him of these things.

“But you have.”

It’s enough to make Hailey let go of his wrist, her hand falling back against her thigh with a soft thud. Jay hears it and it makes his heart ache. Shoving his hands in his pockets, Jay turns towards Hailey, looking at her. He’s surprised to find a similar look to his own gracing Hailey’s features. Just less messy. More composed. More like she has her shit together.

“You can’t do this, Jay.” Hailey mutters, her eyebrows furrowed, “I didn’t feel like there was any other way.”

“We could’ve talked,” Jay says, voice rising in pitch, “We could’ve tried and figured out a solution. I could’ve taken on other shifts. Hell, I could’ve quit my job.”

“You can’t just quit your job, Jay.”

Jay’s angry now, mostly at himself. He knows he’s right. They didn’t try hard enough. “I could and I would.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true, Hailey,” Jay says, stepping closer, finally feeling like he can see his wife through the cracks of the woman in front of him, “I would do anything. But I can’t do this.”

This, meaning a divorce. Jay can’t let her go. He doesn’t want to. All he wants is to grow old with Hailey. That’s what he promised her all these years ago. In sickness and in health. In sorrow and joy. To have and to hold. He wants nothing more than to just hold Hailey, especially now that she is looking at him with that look in her eyes again. Like she loves him.

“Why are you only telling me this now?”

“When else was I supposed to tell you?” Jay asks desperately, “You wouldn’t have listened to me.”

“You don’t know that.”

Jay shrugs, wiping his eyes, “You were so set on this. On a divorce,” he can barely say the word, “who am I to stop you from having what you want?”

“My husband, Jay.” Hailey says, finally fully letting her walls fall down. “You’re my husband.”

“Am or was?”

Hailey looks at him, mouth slightly open in surprise. Jay knows he took it too far. He can’t expect Hailey to answer that question. It wouldn’t be fair. So he shakes his head and scoffs.

“Don’t answer that.” He says, looking away from Hailey’s eyes. “We should get back. I think we’re way past our ten minutes.”

Jay is about to turn back around, to finally walk back into that courtroom and do the hardest thing he’s ever had to do, but Hailey stops him yet again. But this time not a gentle hand wrapped around a wrist. Jay is fully pulled back, until he’s inches away from Hailey, Hailey’s hands softly on his cheeks. She’s giving Jay no choice but to look at her.

And Jay is expecting Hailey’s gaze to be full of anger, or annoyance, but all he can find is love and longing and it breaks Jay’s heart even more. He doesn’t know why Hailey needs to make this any harder than it already is.

“Stop running for a second.” Hailey says, voice soft. Gentle. Way gentler than Jay’s gotten used to these past few months.

“It’s what I do best.”

Hailey sighs, closing her eyes as she leans her forehead against Jay’s. “Please stop. Can you please just tell me what you want, instead of running away from me?”

Jay thinks about it for a minute. He pulls back to look at Hailey, making the latter open her eyes. They’re full of pain and Jay feels like an asshole for making her feel this way. He should’ve just signed those papers. Then Hailey would’ve been free from him by now and she could go find someone who’d make her happy.

“I– I just want you, Hails.” Jay admits, as if that wasn’t obvious, “I don’t care about anything else. I only care about you.”

“It’s not that easy.” Hailey says, her thumb softly stroking Jay’s cheek. “A lot has happened. We’ve said a lot of things. Things I didn’t mean. Things I know you didn’t mean.”

“I know.”

Hailey adjusts her hold on Jay’s face, lets her hand drop a little so they’re cupping the back of Jay’s neck. Jay leans into it, leans into her touch as much as he can. He’s not sure what’s going to happen next. This might as well be the last time he gets to stand this close to Hailey. All he wants to do is reach for her, but his hands are numbly dangling by his sides.

“We royally fucked up, Jay.”

“I know.”

Jay doesn’t know how long they stand there for, doesn’t know how much time has passed since he walked out on Hailey and their lawyers. He feels like time stands still now that Hailey’s so close to him again. Now that she’s holding him.

“When I saw you sign those papers, I–” Jay bites his lip to stop it from trembling and closes his eyes as he cries, “It hurt so much. I knew it was going to hurt. Losing you is something I never thought I’d have to go through. But this… It’s too much to bear, Hailey.”

“I didn’t want to sign them.” Hailey says, almost as if she’s scared to admit it. “It’s the worst thing I have ever done in my life.”

“Then why did you?” Jay asks, trying to keep it together, “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because you had agreed and I thought this was something you wanted, too.”

Jay shakes his head, not believing this is happening. If only they’d talked sooner. If they would’ve just opened their mouths, communicated like they usually did. Maybe none of this would’ve happened.

“I was at our bench earlier.” Jay starts. “That’s why I was late. I wanted to be there one more time. See it one more time. I just wanted to be reminded of us. Of when we were happy.”

“Oh, Jay.” Hailey whispers, wiping his tears away, “I’m so sorry.”

“No.” Jay says, voice hardening, “You’ve got nothing to apologize for. You just did what you thought was best.”

“And I was wrong.”

What?

Jay’s eyes widen, not believing a word he’s hearing. He doesn’t know what to say. So he just stares at Hailey, his hands growing incredibly impatient by his side. They’re still standing so close together. So close their bodies are almost touching. It’s almost too much for Jay.

“How did I ever think that this was the right thing for us?” Hailey asks, seemingly talking more to herself than to Jay, “You– You were willing to divorce me to make me happy again, because you thought that was what I wanted. How could I ever let you go?”

Jay’s body reacts more out of instinct than anything else. His hands reach forward to grab Hailey’s waist and pull her closer. Finally, finally touching. It’s been so long since they were this close, this intimate. Jay feels like he’s about to combust on the spot.

“Losing you is the worst pain I have ever felt, Hails. I hated every second of it.”

“I know, my love,” Hailey says softly, the pet name rolling off her lips as if it never left, “Me too.”

Jay is glad she doesn’t apologize again. They’ve both made mistakes, but they both acted out of love for each other. Doing what they thought was best for the other. They’re not at fault for that. They could have handled things better, definitely, but in the end they just tried to do what’s right.

“What do we do now?” Jay asks, scared to know the answer.

Hailey smiles at him. It’s a little smile and a little tentative, but it’s there nonetheless. “Now we walk back into that room and we fix this mess. And then we go home.”

“Home?”

“Yes, Jay.” Hailey reassures him. “We go home and we talk. Because we really do have a lot to talk about and even more to figure out if we want to make this work. But you were right, we should have talked more. We should’ve tried harder.”

“So you don’t want to get divorced anymore?”

“Jay, I never really wanted to get divorced. I just didn’t see any other solution to our problem. You’re the love of my life, Jay. But I’d rather not have you at all than sleep in the same bed as you every night, but feel like I’m living with a stranger.”

Jay sobs then, fully leaning against Hailey, hoping she’ll be there to catch him. She is. She holds Jay close, one hand on the back of his head, the other tightly wrapped around his back. Jay clings to Hailey like a lifeline, hands holding onto Hailey’s jacket, squeezing so tight he feels like he might rip it. And he just cries. Hailey never loosens her hold.

It’s only when Hailey’s body shakes that Jay manages to pull back enough to look at her. She’s crying. There’s no longer any trace of the woman who stood before him just a few minutes ago, looking as if she didn’t care about anything. Hailey looks back at Jay, those blue eyes holding so much love. Jay didn’t even think it was possible anymore.

“Jerk.”

“Idiot.”

Jay can't help but smile through his tears. For the first time in ages feeling like his smile is genuine, like his heart is not as heavy anymore. He knows Hailey’s right. He knows they have a lot to talk about and a lot to work on, but he’s so glad they are not giving up on each other. Jay thinks he’s never been happier than he is right now, getting a second chance he is not sure he deserves.

“Let’s go home?” Jay asks, hesitant to refer to their apartment as home again.

Hailey nods, wiping the last of Jay’s tears away with her thumbs, before leaning forwards and pressing a soft kiss to Jay’s cheek. Jay’s eyes close as soon as Hailey’s lips touch his skin and the hands that are still on Hailey’s waist tighten their grip. He’s missed this so much. Hailey lingers for a bit too long, but Jay doesn’t mind. He relishes in it, savors every second of it.

But then Hailey pulls back and drops her hands from Jay’s face, over his shoulders, down his arms until she reaches Jay’s hands. Hailey gives them a soft squeeze, that familiar smile back on her face. Jay is surprised at how easy it would be to just fall back into their old habits. The teasing, the banter, the sarcasm.

“Yes,” Hailey says then, letting go of Jay’s hands, “Let’s go home.”

Hailey’s running late and she hates it.

The box with loukoumades in her hands is shaking as she’s nearly running through the park. Work had gotten crazy real fast and she wasn’t able to leave until CPS had picked up the young newly orphaned girl they had found at the scene. On top of that the line at the bakery in Greektown was way too long and–

It’s just been a really long day. But she’s here now and that’s all that matters. As she gets closer to the bench Hailey can feel her heart throb in her throat, her hands getting clammy. She shouldn’t be nervous about this, and deep down she isn’t, but after everything her and Jay had been through these past months she’s still a bit scared to screw things up.

When she reaches the back of the bench she softly clears her throat, making Jay turn around in his seat. There’s a smile on the man’s face, his eyes lighting up when he sees her.

“Sorry I’m late,” Hailey says, voice quiet as she steps around the bench so she’s standing in front of Jay.

Jay’s hand comes up to hold hers, “You’re just in time.”

It makes Hailey’s heart flutter in her chest. The way Jay’s looking at her is still the same way he’d look at her a few years ago and it makes Hailey feel all these crazy things. It’s then that Jay glances at the box in Hailey’s hands, raising an eyebrow.

“Loukoumades?”

“I figured we deserve something extra today.”

Jay chuckles, patting the spot next to him. Hailey quickly sits down, putting the box on the ground in front of them. She turns towards Jay and sighs, reaching for his hand. Jay immediately melts into her, his head coming to rest on Hailey’s shoulder, Hailey’s head in turn resting on his.

“How was work?” Jay asks, his fingers absentmindedly running patterns on the back of Hailey’s hand.

“Work was work. We were called to a murder scene, 3 dead, gang related. Their six year old daughter was the only survivor.” She can feel her husband’s hand squeeze hers, silently letting her know that he gets it. “It was a lot, but I’m good now.” Hailey sighs. “Everything is better here.” In their favorite spot. In Jay’s arms.

Jay shuffles a bit, turning his body more towards Hailey. “I missed you.”

“You saw me this morning.”

“I know,” Jay mutters. “That’s not what I meant.”

Oh. Hailey tenses a little, obviously not having expected the conversation to go in this direction. But it has and now she has to deal with it, because they talk about things again, unlike before. So she untangles her hands from Jay’s and gives her husband a little gentle shove so he straightens up to look at her.

“What’s on your mind?” Hailey asks gently, hand on Jay’s thigh.

Jay shrugs. “Everything and nothing. You.”

“Care to elaborate, babe?”

“It’s our 3th wedding anniversary,” Jay starts, “I never thought we’d get here. I really thought I was going to lose you and I would just have to spend the rest of my life without you. The time spent being apart from you was the worst time of my life, Hails. And I missed you. I missed this.”

Hailey cups his cheek, lifting his head to look at her. She can’t help but press a soft kiss to Jay’s lips, lingering for a moment too long. Jay leans into her, hands reaching for Hailey. Because he can.

“But we’re here, Jay,” Hailey whispers against him, “We’re here and we made it.”

“We almost didn’t.”

“We needed a wake up call,” Hailey says as she pulls back. “We’ve never been better, Jay. I know it hasn’t been easy, but we both put in the effort and we’re making it work. I never would have forgiven myself if I let you go. You know that, right?”

Jay glances down, looking at their hands that are nearly touching. His eyes wander towards the ring on Hailey’s finger. The ring she’s been wearing for three years now, one similar to the one on Jay’s finger. His hand reaches out to touch it. Hailey willingly lets Jay hold her hand, watches how he toys with it, twists it around on Hailey’s finger.

“You’re the love of my life, Mrs. Halstead.” Jay whispers, looking up to meet Hailey’s gaze again. “And I will do everything in my power to prove that to you every single day for the rest of our lives.”

And there it is, the beautiful smile and his favorite dimple that Jay will never grow tired of seeing on his wife’s face. Oh, how he loves being the reason for that smile.

“Right back at you.”

Hailey leans her head down on Jay’s shoulder, who immediately welcomes her in his arms.

“I love you, Jay. I love us .”

“I love us too.”