Work Text:
Shinji cried because he was empty. He had no security, and that scared him more than death. He felt like an abandoned baby bird, hungry for love from someone he knew despised him. It wasn't fair. If he was just going to be tossed away, then why was he here? He cried harder.
He curled in on himself more, a hand clutching his heart that ached ever so terribly. When would this pain end? They wanted him to fight, but he couldn't fight. He couldn't live. His breath hitched and his tears slid across the bridge of his nose and onto his pillow. It was growing uncomfortable laying in a wet patch of tears.
He couldn't even cry without something bothering him. He felt utterly pathetic. Thoroughly useless.
A knock at the door caused him to jump and scramble for a blanket to hide himself. He stayed silent, holding his breath and hoping his visitor would leave if he stayed quiet.
After several more seconds, Shinji heard another knock at his door. He sniffled, gathering the courage to tell whoever it was to go away until, "Shinji kun? Are you here?"
Kaworu's voice was heard through the door, and Shinji couldn't tell if he was relieved or more uncomfortable at the knowledge that Kaworu was looking for him.
He didn't want Kaworu to see him like this. "I- um... I'm not feeling so good," Shinji decided to muster out, "please come back later."
"... I see, are you sick, Shinji kun? Would you like me to bring you some medicine?" Kaworu sounded concerned now.
Shinji panicked, trying to find something to say that would get him to leave and not come back. "N-no thank you Nagisa kun!" His brain went blank, he couldn't come up with another excuse—he hoped Kaworu would catch on.
"It really is no trouble for me, I'd hate for you to be by yourself if you feel nauseous," Kaworu sincerely remarked.
Shinji was sweating now, nervous beyond belief. He would feel so guilty rejecting Kaworu's kind offer, but he also needed to brood more. He didn't know what to do. "I don't feel nauseous Nagisa kun..." He tried saying. Really, Kaworu was too good of a friend to him. He felt that he almost didn't deserve the treatment.
"What are you feeling?" He questioned back, more worried by Shinji's lack of descriptive words. "Could you tell me?"
"I..." Shinji sniffed again, wiping some of his tears away with the palm of his hand. "I don't know."
There was silence on the other side of the door for a few moments, leaving Shinji upset that he couldn't find a less immature answer.
"Shinji kun... could I come in?" Kaworu asked softly, seemingly realizing Shinji's situation.
Shinji stiffened, yet felt his protest seep out of him. He couldn't think anymore, much less keep Kaworu away. He sat in silence for a few moments, staring at the blanket in his hand, only to sigh and finally give in. "... yes." He sighed weakly.
A moment later Kaworu was opening the door and stepping inside. He softened his gaze at the sight of Shinji's tear stained cheeks. "Shinji kun..." he said as he closed the door behind him.
Shinji tilted his head down so Kaworu couldn't see his face, but he quickly realized that made him feel stupid. "Sorry, I'm... a mess right now." Shinji mumbled.
Kaworu felt his heart melt at his words, approaching his friend carefully and setting himself down on the bed next to him. "You do not need to be embarrassed with me, Shinji kun. I would like to help you, so would you tell me what you're feeling?" Kaworu spoke quietly.
"I don't know..." Shinji mumbled again, even quieter this time. He shifted uncomfortably on his bed, his head still hanging low. "I just..." he paused, then sighed. "I don't think it's possible for you to understand something that I can't even understand myself." He dismissed.
Kaworu breathed in deeply and looked up at the ceiling. “I believe that you are kind, Shinji kun. You care about the feelings of others, and you want to live a meaningful life. That is beautiful. It is less about what we don’t understand, and more about the things we do.”
Shinji peeked up slightly, confused. He watched Kaworu for a few moments and frowned. He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He was right, to an extent, but hearing it from someone else felt strange. It made him feel open, and he didn’t like that. It was uncomfortable to be dissected. Yet… he wanted to be understood.
His whole being was a contradiction. He didn’t know what he wanted.
“Your name is similar to the word, ‘to believe,’ it suits you.” Kaworu glanced down again, that heavenly smile etched delicately on his face. He made eye contact with Shinji, and in his eyes he saw everything that made him human. Kaworu saw every emotion, he felt every sadness, but most importantly, he saw innocence. He was imperfectly perfect.
Shinji could not keep his eyes lingering on Kaworu’s face for long. His eyes bright, and so full of tenderness and care; it was foreign. Yet he felt warmer inside, more relaxed. “… Kaworu kun, you…” Shinji started, unsure of his next words. “Why do you care so much about me?” He knew it was a little inappropriate for him to ask something like that. He put Kaworu on the spot, and he saw the shift in his face from such an odd question. Not into something negative, but rather something more contemplative. He didn’t seem to mind.
Kaworu thought of an answer, not expecting something so direct to come from Shinji. He supposed it was because he was vulnerable at the moment, but that only made him more curious. Shinji was unpredictable, and in a world where predictability was his norm, he was drawn to the difference. “Because you are you, and I love you Shinji kun.”
Kaworu watched Shinji recoil out of shock. It was heartwarming. Kaworu’s smile grew watching his friend’s cheeks flare up like a blooming tulip. “Y-you say weird things… you can’t…” Shinji was left unsure of his next words again, and he found that it was becoming frustrating not being able to articulate himself around Kaworu.
“It is weird to say that I love you?” Kaworu’s head tilted to the side, still observing Shinji’s flustered behavior.
“I-” Shinji’s face grew redder, and Kaworu’s smile softened. “Y-yes…”
Kaworu laughed quietly. He couldn’t understand why Shinji found his truthfulness to be strange.
“Is this also why you are feeling sick?” Kaworu questioned, “because of love?”
Shinji was very clearly taken aback by Kaworu’s question. Truthfully he had forgotten about why he was upset, talking to Kaworu helped clear his mind. Though Kaworu was right, he was just saddened having to hear it so directly. “… My father,” Shinji started, “he hates me.” Shinji felt his throat tighten.
Kaworu watched Shinji’s embarrassed demeanor shatter into one he hated seeing most. His sad gaze and the way he sunk in on himself hurt Kaworu’s soul. “A being consumed by darkness cannot save themselves, much less those they once cared about.”
“… darkness?” Shinji glanced up with tears in his eyes, peering at Kaworu as if he were a puppy in a window. It broke his heart. He couldn’t bear seeing Shinji like this.
“Yes, your father has lost sight of his humanity. But that isn’t your fault, Shinji kun.” Kaworu reassured him, he needed him to understand that this wasn’t his punishment.
“But I-” Shinji choked on his tears, the pain of it all spilling out onto Kaworu’s endless loving presence. “I-its not fair-” he cried, tears slipping down his cheeks and onto the blanket in his lap. He trembled with each breath he released, trying to calm himself for Kaworu’s sake.
Kaworu couldn’t restrain himself anymore, he enveloped Shinji in his arms. He wrapped his arms around Shinji’s trembling form and pulled him closer. Shinji could do nothing but tremble and cry harder at the contact, and Kaworu ran a hand up and down his back to soothe him.
Shinji uncurled from within himself, and buried his face in Kaworu’s chest. He snaked his arms around Kaworu’s waist and went limp, crying into his shirt. Truthfully, he didn’t know what had gotten into him, but he found that he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. Which he most definitely didn’t want to. “K-Kaworu kun,” Shinji spoke through his wet sobs, “I don’t k-know what I should do, everyone wants something from me that I don’t even have-”
Kaworu’s face contorted into one filled with pain. The hand at his back moved to bury itself in Shinji’s hair while his other hand settled on one of Shinji’s arms to keep it in place. “It’s alright, Shinji kun…” he whispered, staring down at the boy glued to his form. “I’m here with you.”
Kaworu felt Shinji’s body begin to relax, and he took this opportunity to gently move his fingers through his hair. He lightly scratched Shinji’s scalp, still observing every little detail in his movement. He noticed the way Shinji’s breathing became less labored over time, and the way his arms started to sag around his waist. He also noticed that his crying had gradually died down. All that was left of Shinji’s brokenness was the patch of tears on his own shirt, and the sniffles from his wet nose. Shinji’s tears felt warm against his skin, and Kaworu felt a smile grow on his face once he had felt Shinji stop crying.
Shinji was relaxed, but he didn’t dare move. Not yet.
The fingers in Shinji’s hair continued to move across his scalp in a way that made him sleepy. But with his tears now gone, Shinji felt even more embarrassed. He inhaled deeply, and moved his head away from Kaworu’s chest. Their limbs carefully untangled from each other, but Kaworu made sure to hold onto Shinji’s hand as his arm slipped away.
“I’m sorry,” Shinji remarked while looking at the small blob of tears on Kaworu’s white button up.
Kaworu gently squeezed Shinji’s hand in his own, his smile bright on his face. “You are strong, Shinji kun. Thank you for allowing me to see your beauty.”
“I’m not beautiful…” Shinji blushed, once again surprised by Kaworu’s straightforwardness. His hand grew hot, and Shinji pulled it away from Kaworu’s grasp.
Not so deep down, Kaworu was sad that Shinji couldn’t live a happy life like he deserved, and he wanted to be able to make him happy. He would defy his nature and purpose if it meant Shinji’s happiness. “You are.” He hoped Shinji understood that.
Shinji shifted on his bed, finding it hard to get comfortable again. His body felt like a worm, and his heart felt like mush. “Kaworu kun,” he started, more embarrassed by the second. “Can you rub my head again?” He looked away, suddenly regretting asking. He loved the feeling of being held and his hair being played with. He wanted comfort more than he worried about being a burden to Kaworu at the moment.
Kaworu’s eyes softened, and he extended his hand out for Shinji to take again. “Of course.” He felt his heart swell from all the love he felt for him. “Please lay your head here.” Kaworu pat his lap with his other hand and smiled warmly.
Shinji’s fingers intertwined with Kaworu’s, and he felt heat rush down his back. He was beyond embarrassed, but he complied. With their hands resting on Shinji’s chest, he laid back onto Kaworu’s lap. He noted that staring up at Kaworu was gut wrenching at first, but then he felt those long fingers in his hair and he relaxed. He no longer saw Kaworu’s red eyes as pools of blood, but for a moment the only thing that came to mind was love.
The only thing he saw inside of Kaworu was an endless amount of love.
He allowed himself to stare into his eyes for a few moments, wondering if he had truly gone crazy before closing his eyes entirely.