Work Text:
Hanbin's thin fingers type out a text on his phone. I’m here.
There’s an immediate reply. Me too.
And then a pair of arms sneak around his waist to hug him tight, and Zhang Hao's chin is on his shoulder. They sway together, Hanbin giggling, and then Zhang Hao whirls him around. “Did you miss me?”
“I always miss you,” says Hanbin playfully, but his smile quivers. He missed Zhang Hao more than he could ever express.
At first, all their romancing used to be at the dorm. They’d brush hands while they moved past each other in the kitchen, shooting each other secret smiles. They’d kiss backstage, in front of the dressing room mirrors, the hot flare of the lights no match for the blaze of their bodies. Zhang Hao would crawl into Hanbin's bed and spoon him. But it became claustrophobic very quickly.
They weren’t friends who liked exploring each other more. They weren’t friends who occasionally slept together. They were in love. But they weren’t living like it.
But they couldn’t get caught.
Hanbin curled up into Zhang Hao in the bathtub one night. After everyone else had gone to sleep. Hanbin cried and begged Zhang Hao to break up with him, and Zhang Hao held him, comforted him, promised him that he’d be better for him. That he’d make him feel more loved.
“It’s you who should be loved more,” whimpered Hanbin. “You deserve better.”
“But I don’t mind,” said Zhang Hao, bewildered.
“But I do!” choked out Hanbin.
“Then do you want to come out?”
Hanbin stiffened. “I can’t do that.” If Hanbin and Zhang Hao decided to date openly, it would impact everything.
Zhang Hao sighed. “We’ll figure something out. But I’m not breaking up with you.” He smoothed Hanbin's fringe away from his forehead and planted a soft kiss there. “It’s selfish of me, but you can’t shake me off, Bin. I’ll only accept it if you stop loving me.”
Hanbin couldn’t imagine he’d ever stop loving Zhang Hao, so that was the end of that. Hanbin had a headache from all the crying. Zhang Hao suggested they stepped out to clear his head. The cool night breeze would do him good.
They were out in the empty streets where the only shops open were the 24/7 convenience stores. They walked with their fingers twined, synced steps on the pavement. The cold did seem to clear Hanbin's head, at least it wasn’t throbbing as much as before. Hanbin was aware of the little glances Zhang Hao kept throwing at him, guaging, concerned.
“How are you feeling?” Zhang Hao asked finally.
Hanbin gave him a small smile. “Hungry.”
Zhang Hao laughed, and Hanbin's heart leaped, seeing those sharp eyes curved into crescents. They entered a convenience store with their masks up. They bought ramyeon, snacks and beer.
They sat outside with their food and the steaming ramyeon was wonderful to eat out in the cold. There was nobody in the streets and Hanbin could pretend he and Zhang Hao were the only ones in the world.
But they’d never get so much time alone to talk, so after filling his stomach, Hanbin began speaking. Zhang Hao sipped beer and listened. “I want to be able to date you the way normal couples do. I want to go to cafes with you, I want to go to the Han river. I want you to take me to fancy restaurants. We’ve been a couple this long without having one proper date, not even one!”
Zhang Hao sipped his beer and smiled. Hanbin was infuriated, until Zhang Hao said, “We’re on our first date now.”
“What?”
“Convenience store date,” said Zhang Hao, and added mischievously, “isn’t that something normal couples do?”
Hanbin blushed, speechless.
“When you slurp your ramyeon it makes me want to kiss you,” said Zhang Hao, dabbing at Hanbin's mouth with a tissue.
“You’re really not innocent at all” said Hanbin.
“You taught me too well” said Zhang Hao, with a wink.
They’ve made late night/early morning dates a habit since then. They don’t meet at the same place every time. It’s unlikely that anyone’s watching them, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. They went to the Han river once, and watched the moonlight glimmer on the water. Then they kissed. They went to the park and sat on the benches other couples had been on before them. The park was transformed at night, silent but for the crickets and the low hoot of a bird.
Cut to the present, when Hanbin tells Zhang Hao that he misses him always. They rarely get opportunities for their date nights, since they’re so busy most of the time and need all the sleep they can get. Hanbin still misses Even though he sees him every day. Hanbin misses Zhang Hao every moment that Zhang Hao is next to him but Hanbin is forced to keep his distance, forced to keep their secret.
But it’s much better than before. So much better. Hanbin can breathe, and his chest isn’t so tight. Their date nights feel like dreams, surreal the next day, shadows that disappear when the sunlight hits- but Hanbin knows they were real, and that they’ll happen again. That makes all the difference.
Zhang Hao's lips curl over his, desperately. Hanbin feels the breath knocked out of him.
“I always miss you too,” says Zhang Hao, and he sounds as breathless as Hanbin feels.
They walk up the hill. The view in front of them is a familiar one, but Hanbin still takes out his phone and snaps a picture.
“Is this enough?” says Zhang Hao. He sounds sad. Hanbin doesn’t know how to fix that sadness. He wonders if this is how Zhang Hao felt, when he used to hold Hanbin in his arms for hours. As though he’d never get tired of it.
“It’s not so bad, watching the sunrise and walking under street lights with you,” says Hanbin, grinning. “I could do it forever.”
“Will it always be enough?” says Zhang Hao.
Hanbin feels a stab of anxiety. “Yes,” he says, walking into his boyfriend's embrace. “You’re my everything. Whatever you can give me will be enough.”