Chapter Text
Sunghoon
Are you up?
I kinda need to talk
Sunoo stares at the screen of his laptop, where his professor appears to be very passionately talking about a topic Sunoo clearly wasn't paying attention to. He should, though, be present in class, listen to his teachers and submit assignments on time. Now, his phone lights up, and that's the only thing on his mind.
Well, it seems to always be, lately.
Sunoo
yeah, i’m here
what's wrong?
Sunghoon
I’m just overthinking again
It's been a recurring situation. For a few months now, Sunghoon started gradually getting used to ranting to him mainly about his love life, and honestly, Sunoo doesn't mind. Or, wouldn't mind, he wouldn't care if it wasn't for the tightness in his chest. The weight that presses down on his body, like a constant reminder of what he's not.
Still, Sunoo tunes out completely from his class and focuses solely on the awaiting chat on his phone's screen. It burns, his eyes, his hands. His heart.
Sunoo
about?
He asks as if he doesn't know.
Sunghoon
Daesung again I don’t know!!
I’m just dumb
Sunoo
yeah, you are
what changed?
As he types, he sighs, done and tired. Maybe he's being mean, maybe Sunghoon deserves nicer friends, but reading his name makes Sunoo boil with envy, jealousy, anger —whatever that emotion is. It shouldn’t, it shouldn’t provoke any emotion in Sunoo’s body other than pride, joy, and satisfaction, knowing his best friend is finally coming out of his shell and to terms with his sexuality.
Sunghoon
I think he's just playing me
Like I really cannot tell what he means sometimes when we text
Sunoo
maybe you need to be more direct
tell him how you feel
Sunghoon
You think so?
He's gonna reject me 😭
Sunoo
sometimes we need to be open about how we feel
people aren't mind readers !
Sunghoon
You’re such a poet
thank you
Sunoo
yeah
It's left unsaid, how both of them truly feel, how Sunoo leans back on his chair and mutes his phone as he should've done as soon as his class started. How Sunghoon knew, knows , that Sunoo would choose him over any educational work.
There's the usual sour taste left on his tongue, the very common irrational resentment, and the familiar weight on his heart, too.
Sunoo can't shake it off, or ignore it, all he can do is pretend.
Pretending is not a new concept to him.
-
Turns out Sunoo was right, as always, and Sunghoon telling Daesung face to face how he feels was enough for them to enter the awkward stage of dating, which Sunoo prays they skip altogether just so he doesn't have to give Sunghoon advice on how to talk to his boyfriend .
Yet, surprisingly, Sunghoon manages it pretty well.
Sunoo is solving a questionably easy logarithm equation when his phone vibrates beside him and his eyes shift. It's involuntary, no matter how hard he tries, he looks for Sunghoon’s name in every notification that lights up his phone, and this time, he finds it.
Sunghoon
I’m in love
Sunoo
i noticed
Sunghoon
Sorry I just can't believe it!!!
He wants to hang out today, do you mind?
And well, he wouldn't say he minds, it's more of a frustrating feeling that he can't shake away no matter how hard he tries. It's unfounded jealousy. Sunoo isn't that selfish, to ruin something that gives Sunghoon happiness.
Because, as long as Sunghoon can shine as he's meant to, Sunoo won't intervene.
It's what it is.
Sunoo
don't worry
i’m stuck doing a statistics assignment
go have fun
Sunghoon
😘😘😘😘
And God, Sunoo’s heart beats so loudly it scares him for a moment.
-
Sunghoon appears to be so happy it hurts.
And it may be entirely egoistic coming from Sunoo, it is, actually, because all he wants is to be the one to make him smile like that. To make his eyes glimmer with adoration, to be the reason he stumbles over his words and sweats when his name is mentioned. Sunoo wants it all for himself, and only him.
But Sunghoon was never even his to begin with.
It's the distance, maybe. Or the fact that Sunoo isn't his type at all, or, perhaps, it's just not meant to be. Both their destinies already written, ending without the other, and Sunoo can't see himself being happy in the future.
A life without Sunghoon’s enchanting presence.
Well, as present as he can be, 377 kilometers away, to be exact. It's not difficult, really, Sunoo’s love language isn't only physical touch, and he enjoys silently spending time together on FaceTime, hours into the night until the sun exposes their tired faces with the first rays of light.
He's not dramatic. He just likes to plan ahead. And if Sunghoon stops texting him with the same frequency, being driven insane is a possibility.
Daesung makes him happy. Daesung is what Sunghoon wants, what he needs. Daesung is going to be the first to receive a good morning text and there's nothing Sunoo can do about it.
He's everything Sunoo isn't.
Sunghoon
I’m free tonight BTW
His phone vibrates, his heart misses a beat, and he sighs.
Sunoo
ok!
It's not meant to be.
-
Now, Sunoo is a good listener. Because he truly cares about others, even if he doesn't show it sometimes, he's a kind-hearted person. So hearing and reading Sunghoon talk about Daesung nonstop, all day, all night, shouldn't be a big deal.
Because it's not as if Sunghoon doesn't show him affection, he asks Sunoo about his day and worries too like any normal friend would.
It's not a big deal. Shouldn't be.
Yet Sunoo cries one night, a mixture of emotions, thoughts about not being enough and the usual existential crisis. Those are normal, common thoughts and reasons to be upset—but deep down, Sunoo knows. Sunghoon is the main factor.
In his life, in his mind, in the tightness that squeezes his heart constantly, he's the main reason, the culprit. And it's embarrassing, if Sunoo is honest. Sunghoon is his best friend, an entirely platonic companion that will always be there for him, no matter what. So, logically, he can't be hurting him.
Can't be the person Sunoo thinks about as he wipes the tears away.
Sunghoon is the sun, a ray of sunshine, a light so bright it's blinding. And Sunoo knows he would never purposefully hurt him.
It's pointless to even try to talk it out.
Sunghoon
Can I call you?
Sunoo
yeah
i thought you were with daesung
Sunghoon
He left already!!
Sunghoon
Now I wanna talk to you
Sunoo's heart jumps around in his ribcage.
Once Sunghoon's face appears on the screen, every single one of his worries vanishes. In the blink of an eye, he's laughing along to some dumb joke Sunghoon just told him, and the overwhelming issue is pushed to the back of his mind, allowing him to focus solely on his best friend.
They talk, play online games, stay silent while each one works on their individual assignments. Though Sunoo can't help but let his eyes wander, gazing at Sunghoon’s wrinkled brows, slowly shifting down to his mouth.
It's like a reality check, the moment Sunoo catches himself thinking about the softness of Sunghoon's lips. It's not right . So he shakes his head and reads the sentence in his textbook again, trying to engrave that on his brain instead.
“You've been acting weird,” Sunghoon comments without even glancing up.
“Huh?”
“I feel like you've been acting weird lately, I don't know,” he places his pencil down and stares at the camera, “are you hiding something from me?”
Myself , Sunoo thinks.
“Why would you even come to that conclusion?” Shaking his head, Sunoo asks. “I’m just stressed, that's all.”
“Business school isn't as easy as you thought, huh?”
That's the least of his worries. But Sunoo gives him a chuckle.
“It's kicking my ass, you mean,” he manages to say, prompting a smile from Sunghoon. A fond one, the kind that feels like honey.
“I’m here to help, you know that, we can study together as we used to,” now Sunghoon proposes.
Sunoo opens his mouth and replies before his brain can catch up. “But you're always with Daesung lately, so…”
Then Sunghoon laughs.
“Wow, are you jealous ?”
Heat rises quickly to his cheeks, probably painting them a red, pinkish tone. Sunoo is embarrassed just thinking about it.
“You wish.”
He hopes, that Sunghoon wishes. That Sunghoon wants him to be jealous, that Sunghoon even thinks about him in that way.
Except Sunoo is not exactly a dreamy person, he doesn't live off of fictional scenarios made up in his head. He faces reality as it is. And Sunghoon's reality, present moment, priority and constant, is Daesung.
Crying doesn’t come easily to him. But now it becomes a constant.
-
The thing is, Sunghoon never drifts away.
He doesn't back off, doesn't stop talking to him, and their routine continues as it is. Daesung still exists, and Sunghoon seems to be very in love, but that doesn't stop him from texting Sunoo almost every day. It's not weird, precisely, just odd .
The only adversary effect is Sunoo falling, deeply, inevitably.
Truly, he tries. Holds onto reality like his life depends on it, and acts around him as if there isn't a huge weight pressing down on his chest constantly.
Sunghoon
Sorry bby I’m busy
Sunoo
okay baby don't worry
Sunghoon
NOOOO
WRONG CHAT
Sunoo
it's okay baby
Sunghoon
Stop
Sunoo
lol
And every time he jokingly flirts back, he reminds himself of the way Sunghoon’s eyes shine when he talks about Daesung and then snaps out of it. Because it's not meant to be.
And so Sunoo pretends.
Pretends to be something else, to feel differently, learns to divert the topics that hurt him, and smile when Sunghoon tells him about the way Daesung makes him feel.
That’s not him.
“He makes me feel like a better person, y’know,” Sunghoon remarks, and Sunoo listens, he does.
And understands, because what Sunghoon is going through is exactly what he feels. Exactly what he undergoes every time they talk, after every interaction. Sunoo is a better person because of Sunghoon, he knows, is aware, and would love to talk about it openly without it ruining their friendship forever.
Would love to open up about the weight on his chest.
“I get it,” he says, instead, “it’s like he’s showing you a new side of life.”
“Exactly!”
It's all too perfect. Until it isn't.