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“You’re in a foul mood.”
Rin kicked sand in his direction. It was hard to see in the dark, but she figured at least some found its way into his shoes despite Nezha’s quick movements. Her suspect proved right when he gave a noise of protest. A shot of satisfaction, however brief, was more than enough—at least, for now.
“I’m not.”
“Really?” Nezha paused in his tracks. He hopped on one foot as he poured sand out of his other shoe. “This clearly says otherwise.”
“You deserve it.”
“For what? For making a correct assumption?”
“For everything.”
She didn’t mean it to sound so spiteful, but it did. She felt his gaze on her as he slowly put his shoe back on the ground, shuffling in his foot.
“Did I do something wrong?”
She glared. “No.”
“Liar. That glare most definitely indicates how I must’ve done something wrong, which I would be infinitely glad if you choose to share it with me.”
“God, you are so fucking insufferable.”
Why the fuck did she agree to take this stupid walk with him? Oh, right, because Kitay and Venka were both passed out, drunk, and this was their last night of their winter vacation, and she didn’t want the night to end, and when Nezha offered, half jokingly, for a final stroll on the beach, she was drunk and too hopeful, the latter fueled even more foolishly by alcohol.
But now, as the wind started slapping some kind of sense into her, Rin was starting to regret every single fucking second.
“That’s definitely not what you were saying yesterday when I said you looked cute in your new jacket. Whoa!”
Rin stumbled on the curb she missed as she was throwing him a dirty look. She felt Nezha lightly touch her arm.
"I'm fine."
"Sure you are." The hand was gone in a second.
“Fuck off.”
“Gladly.” But he still matched her quickened steps. Rin knew there was no way for her to outrun him (she should know—she tried too many times) so she said nothing further.
Screwed her if she let Yin Nezha ruin her final night here. Trying to ignore the intense presence by her side, Rin took the final opportunity to take in the view—the sea on the east coast of Nikan looked sinister at night, vast and mysterious and never ending, nothing like the thousands of sparkling lights she'd seen during the day. She'd been at the beach once, back in summer vacation with Kitay, but she hadn't expected the winter to be so viciously beautiful to the ocean; waves splashing with cold menace on the dark sand, bits of tiny fireworks people made on the beach, and the lack of people playing in the waters made the view clear and, well, perfect.
Winter by the sea was unlike any of her expectations, and she found that she liked it.
It was Venka’s suggestion at first, going to the beach for their winter vacation. Rin at first protested, argued, and yelled because winter was so fucking cold and she’d much rather spend it somewhere warm and comfortable and where wind was not blowing at her face in every single fucking direction, thank you very much. But grudgingly, she agreed to go as long as no one forced her to go out when it was freezing to the bones otherwise she was spending the rest of the holidays indoors.
Quite surprisingly, she had one of her best times; the hotel rooms Venka booked were warm and comfortable, the sea food (some of which she tried for the first time) took her by surprise ("You've never tried King Crabs before?" "Believe it or not Nezha, I've never had the chance to try insanely expensive food.") and the best part—outdoor hot springs in swimsuits. Rin thought she could stay in forever and boil herself to death.
So far, the trip exceeded all her expectations. And no one suggested to go outside when she did not want to.
So something in her brain really must have frozen, or snapped, or exploded, or all three because she was still willingly walking right now in this damn winter night with Yin Nezha by her side.
Nezha seemed content enough to follow her wherever her mind went. God, was he fucking aware of how her insides were boiling, how much she wanted to punch him? How much she hated the calm and peaceful look in his face. Rin knew life was unfair, but the fact that the cause of her distress wasn’t suffering one fucking bit felt like god, if existed, was laughing at her in the face.
She marched toward one of the benches facing the sea, Nezha following her steps wordlessly. When she slumped far down the left, he chose to cling to the right. The distance was too much and nothing at all at the same time.
Echoes of peals of laughter mixed with the wind; there were still people on the beach despite the time and weather. Rin stared at the small groups of people with cameras, friends with small firecrackers and couples with cans of beer, then looked away.
Her gaze was fixed on the horizon when his voice reached her head. “Want to go back in?”
She shook her head. “No. Not yet.”
Winter wind was merciless, even more so by the sea. She shivered, pulling her coat closer around her, hands buried deep inside her pockets. She had long lost the sense that she had ears and feet, but when Nezha suggested again if they should go back, she shook her head.
Perhaps her own goal was to freeze herself to death. Both of them knew how much she actually hated the cold. Yet Nezha no longer asked, and Rin stayed silent.
Nezha’s dark hair danced merrily with the wind, gaze also lost toward the horizon. The wind didn’t mess up his hair like it must be doing with hers, not the chaotic rumple but a cool wind effect for a photoshoot. The faint streetlights casted a halo around his head. He looked like he were in a fucking movie scene.
Rin was sure she was still drunk. She was definitely not thinking those thoughts.
“God, you’re…”
“I’m what?”
She gestured vaguely with her chin. “No one should look this good in this murderous weather.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why did she say that? The cold must’ve entered her brain through her ears; no wonder she couldn’t feel them anymore. “Shit, I meant…” No, she was making this worse. She closed her eyes.
It was no secret that Nezha was pretty; everyone knew it. He knew it. He knew that she knew it. It was no surprise. The only problem was the fact that he’d probably hang it over her head for quite some time now.
She braced herself for the teasing, but nothing came.
Confused, she opened her eyes, sneaking a glance at him.
He was looking straight ahead, mouth shut and pointedly ignoring her.
Was he blushing?
Shit. Curse the weather for being so fucking cold; she couldn't tell if the blood in his cheeks was from the cold or… or whatever else he was feeling.
Rin knew the world hated her from the moment she was born, but she didn’t know it hated her this much.
"So why are you deciding to freeze your ass out in this weather?"
Abrupt subject change. Rin scowled.
“You suggested a walk.”
“Not my call to stay until we freeze to death.”
“I’m not in the mood,” she muttered. “Fuck off.”
Nezha turned his body abruptly, facing her while resting his folded left leg on the bench. She stiffened a bit, surprised.
“Okay, serious question then. Why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m literally sitting on a bench with you right now.”
“You know what I’m talking about. Did I do something wrong?”
“No.”
“Again, liar.”
She gave him a sideway glare. He stubbornly met her gaze.
Sometimes, because they were now friends and Nezha wasn’t as much of prick as he was before, Rin forgot how stubborn he could be if he wanted to. Nezha was quite the puzzle; strong and determined and conceited in things he put his mind to but surprisingly soft and pliable in some ways. Contradictions and puzzles, a picture filled with paradox that somehow made sense but didn't at the same time; at least, that was how she would describe him with the way he was acting.
It was the way he remembered how she liked her coffee―hot when she was slowly enjoying it with dessert, cold when she had it outdoors.
It was the way he knew her lecture schedule, and always offered to have lunch with her whenever he knew she was having them alone.
It was the way he told her she looked cute, like yesterday, but didn't spare her another glance afterwards.
It was the way when she stumbled, he reached down to grab her arm—only to flinch away as though the touch burned his skin.
It was the way every single fucking time Rin thought he was definitely flirting with her, he drew back. Every single time.
Flashes of moments when she was sure that she wasn't imagining things, that she was not being delusional, only to be even more crushed than she would like to admit afterwards. Hating herself for thinking that she could be liked that way. Liked that way by him.
She did like Nezha as her friend, she really did. She considered him one of her closest friends ever since he lost the pretentiousness and sheer arrogance (to some degree) and apologized sincerely for their first year at Sinegard. She also knew Nezha considered her as a close friend as well. Otherwise they wouldn't even be here on their precious winter break.
Rin simply never had a boyfriend or a crush before. She was too busy trying to survive. Now she didn’t know what she was feeling. She felt precariously exposed, half wanting to dive into this terrifying yet enticing fall and half wanting to hide forever, not knowing which was worse.
Technically, Nezha did nothing wrong. Rin wasn't lying. Rin was just a stupid, hopeless fool who got mad that her friend didn’t like her back.
So fuck her for not directly speaking to him throughout the whole dinner till Kitay and Venka both got knocked out, forcing her to break her silent treatment. Fuck her for flinching away when their hands brushed reaching for the same food. Fuck her for making sure there's at least one person between them. Sure, it was totally, a hundred percent her fault.
She didn’t know who she was more pissed at; herself for having feelings for him, or him for not having them for her.
Dreams and foolish wonderings about how something might happen during the vacation had led her on far too much than she realized.
Rin kicked on the sand beneath her feet. It didn’t give her as much satisfaction as she thought. She felt some of it sneaked underneath her foot.
Rin was unbelievably tired, this―this back and forth, this tiptoe, this ridiculous back and forth they’d somehow gotten themselves into. She knew she’d rather have none of it than just a devastated, desperate taste of it.
“I know you don’t like me, or at least, not that way, so it would actually be fucking nice if you cut the crap out of everything and be a decent human being for once in your fucking, miserable, lonely life.”
She didn’t have to turn to see his eyebrows were furrowed. They most likely were, in that elegant confusion.
“I don’t like you?”
She snorted. “What, now it’s a question?”
“I don’t understand.”
"Oh, don't pretend. You know what I'm talking about."
"I know, but—"
“Just fucking leave me alone and don’t flirt with me if you don’t fucking mean it. I’m asking instead of punching you in the face again, so be fucking grateful.”
“Rin, I didn't—"
"Oh, you so fucking did."
"I meant—"
"Stop lying."
"I wasn’t—don't interrupt me for a second, please.” He ran his fingers through his hair, frustration clear on his face. “Just listen to me, alright?”
"What?”
“You didn’t perhaps, think, that I actually meant all of it but didn’t want to cross the fucking line? Because I thought you didn’t like me?”
She opened her mouth, and closed it.
Oh god, fucking goddamn Yin Nezha.
What the fuck was she supposed to say to that?
Several thoughts were flying inside her head. None of them seemed appropriate. Nothing could possibly be appropriate. Yes? No? Maybe? All she knew was that the world was not what she assumed, and she was dangerously stumbling on the suddenly tilted ground, and she could not control her tongue.
She let the confession slip past her lips.
"I didn't think you wanted me."
God, the way she would give up everything if only she could fucking rewind the time to ten seconds prior; she meant for it to sound indifferent, nonchalant, merely observant, not so fucking shaky and her voice catching at the end. Fuck. Fuck.
She was wrong; diving in was much, much, much worse. The fall left a greater impact, the water way colder than she’d anticipated, freezing her to the bones and shocking her still. Every bit of her skin felt exposed, droplets of water finding everywhere and everything; her heart clenched and gasped, too vulnerable. Too bare.
She couldn’t kick her legs back to her surface, because she chose to jump. She chose the fall.
But that didn’t mean she wasn’t trying to scramble back up for air. She imagined what would happen if she ran straight back to their hotel, grabbed Kitay and escaped this country. She was coming up with what to say to convince her best friend when Nezha’s quiet voice broke through her haze.
"I want you."
"What?"
"I want to hold you," he said, so quiet that Rin had to strain her ears to hear him. "I want to hold you and not let you go and be able to do so whenever I can, whenever I want to. I want your voice to be the one to greet me every morning, and to be the last one I hear every night. I want to be the one who gets to warm your hands when they get cold every winter. I want to kiss you and I want you to want me to kiss you. I want the days when you are blissfully happy and the days when you are pissed beyond anything. I want you to let me. I want all of it. I want you."
It was as though magic settled down around them with those words; the rest of the world closed up, leaving two of them alone. Rin hardly felt the wind anymore, not when her ears were ringing too loudly with her heartbeat. Suddenly the waves weren't trying to drown her—they were guiding her up.
Now Rin was too terrified to speak a word; if she did, she would somehow crash, jinx and break this fragile state they somehow had gotten themselves into. The veil would fade and only the wind, the cold, and her frozen body would remain. It felt too out of the world, too fake, too unreal to dare wish for.
Steadily, slowly, she let out a deep yet quiet breath, trying to calm her beating heart.
"Snow," Nezha said out loud.
Rin glanced up; it was, indeed, strangely, snowing. She first thought they were specks of lights in the dark, or the stars, or simply a trick in her eyes—but no, it was actually snowing.
"Weird," she said, staring at the flecks of white as they settled down on the sand. "Snow at the beach is not a combination I would've thought of."
"Still. Beautiful."
She looked at him, then; snow was settling down on his dark hair, contrasting sharply. She wanted to run her fingers through it, dust it off. She wanted to brush her hands against his cheeks, turning his head toward her. She wanted those lovely brown eyes on her, she wanted to trace his nose and soft lips with her fingers, she wanted—
She wanted—
She turned her head, her gaze straight at the ocean.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
She could see a hint of a smile in the corner of her eye.
"I didn't think you wanted me."
Rin took a breath. Clenched and unclenched her fists.
“God, fuck you.”
A startled laugh escaped his mouth. She glared at him.
"This isn't funny."
“I’m not saying it’s funny.”
“Fuck you,” she muttered, suddenly feeling too warm despite the chill.
They lapsed into silence after that; the world was the same, the same waves coming and ebbing away and creating white sea foams, the same laughter permeating from the distance, and the same howling winds.
But Rin knew both of them could feel it; the shift in the universe, the snow falling, the door wide open, and all that would take was a leap. She itched to take his hand and jump.
Nezha broke the universe first.
"Can I ask you something?"
Rin shrugged.
"Can I wake up as your boyfriend tomorrow?"
Her throat was too clogged up to speak, but even if she could, Rin knew she wouldn't know what to say. Words felt too small in this vast world.
So she simply gave a nod, a movement more than enough to shift the world.
The night was still terrifyingly cold, but the dark sea didn’t seem that sinister anymore. It looked more like a mystery, a curious one, one she was willing to explore and discover.
Excited to explore and discover.
Rin snuggled her chin in the collar of her coat, buried deep, and smiled.
If Nezha noticed, he didn’t say anything.
Snow settled and swirled on the beach around them, in sync with the sound of waves crashing on the sand.