Work Text:
It is true. What a shame to say that, yes, it is true. Undeniably, painfully, true. Those words that I said the last time we saw each other, I meant them.
God, from the bottom of my heart, I am so in love with you. Always have been, always will be.
And this is painful, incredibly aching.
Only… I can’t do anything about it.
Why can’t I move on ? Why can’t I stay away from you ? Even though you are hurting me every day, why can’t I stop loving you ?
Cruel world to put us together when we can’t be in love with each other.
Cruel sport to make us a team whereas they know how attracted I am to you.
Cruel director, to threaten me when my hands linger on your arm more than one second.
He knows, it is inescapable the fact that he knows about my feelings.
If not, why being so cruel with me ?
Why can’t the world leave me alone while I am suffocating from seeing your shadow dancing with her.
It is incredibly sore that all I can see, is your lips moving against hers.
And yet, it seems impossible to turn away.
These words that you said to me. These feelings that you reciprocated to me. Was I a fool to believe them ?
Of course, I was.
But I was so young at this moment, I thought that love was so amazing at this time. Mainly when your hands found my fingers and your lips met mine.
Magical, I thought it was.
Oh gosh, I was so wrong at this moment, when I thought that you will be mine.
Why can’t I realize much earlier that you were a coward ?
Why wasn’t I being more aware that you will become the most painful thing to happen in my life ?
Young, naive, that is what I was at the time.
I thought that we could be together, despite the homophobia and your fear of coming out to the world.
Again, I was wrong. And you make me understand it when your name came out on the newspaper a day after we kissed.
Apparently, you were dating this model since months.
So, what was I to you ?
An experience ? Were the words that you said to me even true ?
Or was it the fact that you really loved me, but can’t be with me because of your family ?
Is it why this article came up ?
To cover you ?
To protect you from the hate of the media ?
Because I can see it. The spark which illuminates your eyes when you catch me passing by.
I can see the love that you are feeling for me.
I understand the meaning behind these words that you tell me.
You can’t hide it.
You are as much in love that I am with you.
Nevertheless, you are denying them by lying to your family, your girlfriend, your team, and me.
I may be younger than you, however, I am more mature for assuming my sexuality and not lying about everything going on in my life.
It is true that I am in love with you. It is true that seeing you with somebody else is painful. Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about it.
It has always been written for us to not be happy in life.
Because of you.
Because of me.
It may be weird for some people, but even I can’t have you, I will always be there for you.
Because you will always be my first love. My first kiss.
And I can’t erase those memories.
The distance between us, will always be there, just like I will always be there for you, although you will probably never see it.