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Seungmin doesn’t know why but he just can’t seem to let go of something that was already over.
He thinks it’s unfair that Minho gets to be happy with someone else, how he looked like he cared so much more for his new boyfriend— if the guy was actually his boyfriend —and how he just treats him differently.
Why can’t that be me? Was I just never enough? Could things have turned out differently? Why should I get the shorter end of the stick? These thoughts have been plaguing Seungmin’s mind for days and even though he’s aware nothing would come out of his loathing, he just can’t help but feel that way.
In the first place, what he and Minho had was nothing romantic. Sure, they were aware of each other’s feelings but they never really labeled themselves as boyfriends. They didn’t do all that sweet couple stuff and their relationship was the same as before they were aware of their feelings for each other.
They were just immature high school boys who spent so much time together and confused being comfortable around each other as romantic feelings.
Although in all honesty, what Seungmin felt for Minho was probably deeper and more real than what the other boy felt for him.
--
“I just want to make sure we’ll be okay even if we have to go to different universities,” was what Seungmin said during one of their late-night conversations. The topic of college was opened up and it was obvious that they were going to be choosing different universities in different cities because of the careers they wanted to pursue.
“Min, why are you talking about the future already? I haven’t even graduated yet, you’re scaring me,” Minho laughed, although it was obvious that he wasn’t joking. Minho was never the biggest fan of making elaborate plans for his future and he most definitely didn’t see that what he and Seungmin had was going to last that long. He just wanted to let things happen naturally.
The two of them were complete opposites. While Seungmin paid attention to even the tiniest detail that could affect his choices in life, Minho liked to be spontaneous and carefree. Minho didn’t like the feeling of being tied down to commit to something that wasn’t dancing, which was the reason why they agreed to not make things official.
“We can talk about that when we get there, just not right now,” Minho added. The conversation had already turned awkward so all Seungmin could do was agree and drop the subject altogether.
He felt stupid for letting his feelings get the best of him. I shouldn’t have said that he thought over and over again. He convinces himself that whatever they had was better than nothing at all, even though that should have been a clear sign that they were far too different and would get nowhere.
--
Seungmin would often notice how Minho and Chan seemed to slip into their own world when they were together.
Seungmin came to befriend Chan through Minho. Chan has been Minho’s friend longer than they’ve known each other and that was expected because they were the same age and often became classmates in the past. When the three of them were together, it reminded Seungmin of how little he knew about the older boy, and how he was just the junior who piqued Minho’s interest for unknown reasons.
Although he keeps reminding himself that he shouldn’t be feeling negative emotions towards someone he considers a friend, there was just a constant fear of being replaced entirely.
“If there are things that I do that you don’t like, you could tell me directly. We can talk about it, right? I thought we established that… I shouldn’t be finding out about it from Chan hyung, of all people,” Seungmin tells Minho when they were alone after class in his classroom while he was finishing a worksheet.
Minho stopped doodling on the notebook Seungmin lent him and frowned. “I was just confiding with a friend, I was going to tell you anyway. You don’t even tell me what’s going on in your life either. And “Chan hyung, of all people”? Do you have anything against him? Min, the three of us are literally friends,” he said.
Sometimes it irritated Seungmin how nonchalant Minho was about everything. He wanted the older boy to take him seriously in situations like these but if he voiced out how unsatisfied he was with whatever situation they had, he was worried Minho would just be defensive and nothing would be solved in the end. At least that’s what he convinced himself to believe.
“My point is that you could say it to me first. I know I’m younger but it doesn’t mean I won’t understand. I mean, don’t we have a thing going on?” Seungmin was sounding a little desperate now but who can blame him? He wanted to know more about the other boy; how his day went, what makes him upset, what keeps him going, what type of music he likes, hell, even what he ate for breakfast.
It bothered him that it felt like he had to walk on eggshells when he tried to act like something more than a friend to Minho. It was as if he was starting to know less and less about the older boy.
There were a few minutes of silence before Minho finally sighs and pats his head. “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, pack up, and let’s go. I’m gonna treat you to that favorite pastry of yours,” he says, already starting to stand up to leave.
The two of them were never good at communicating what they felt and kept things to themselves a lot, which isn’t really the ideal foundation for any type of relationship.
--
“I think we should just stop,” Minho said while they were seated on one of the park benches. It was a chilly Sunday evening when the older invited Seungmin out for a short walk. He said he had something to say and even though Seungmin knew this was coming, it didn’t mean it hurt any less.
It had been two months since they confessed to each other and established an arrangement between the two of them. Nothing has changed and it seemed like they were growing more hesitant to open up to each other.
“I think you’re right,” he agreed despite the tiny ache in his chest. He was probably aware of the fact that the way they liked each other was different from the beginning but chose not to acknowledge it in hopes that maybe Minho could feel the same things he felt.
There was a silence that enveloped them and it was neither pleasant nor awkward. They didn’t know what else to say to each other and there wasn’t anything they could talk about at the moment.
“I’m sorry for ruining your night like this. We could still be friends though, right?” Minho turns his attention to Seungmin, looking apologetic.
Seungmin’s staring at his shoes, finding the pattern of his laces far more interesting than looking at Minho. Despite his desire to work out whatever they had, he knew it just wouldn’t go well when they both didn’t know what direction they wanted to stir their relationship into.
They didn’t trust each other enough to talk about what was happening in their personal lives because they felt like it would bother the other, they didn’t communicate to resolve conflicts and instead “moved on” by never bringing it up again, they didn’t always show affection even when it was just the two of them, and a lot of different reasons as to why their relationship was bound to fail.
Seungmin was well aware of this. He was realizing that maybe they shouldn’t even be friends from the start and yet there was still a part of him that wanted— yearned —to be with Minho, so he turns to look at the older boy and smiles saying, “Of course.”
--
It took Seungmin and Minho a little over a month to act normally around each other again after their “break up”. He kept in touch with Chan, of course, and confided in him a lot and apparently, this was also the same case for Minho. Chan was basically like a middleman between the two of them until they were eventually comfortable enough to interact again.
He shared his worries with Chan; how he feels he could have done better, how he could have been more honest, and basically how he would have done things differently so his relationship with Minho didn’t feel as strained as it did.
He trusted Chan a lot and he appreciated how the older boy always knew what to say to comfort him. He didn’t feel like he had to pretend to feel unaffected by everything around Chan because he felt his sincerity whenever they had meaningful conversations.
The last thing he expected was for Chan to tell him that he and Minho were going to “try things out” for two weeks and see where that takes them.
Seungmin has no idea what he should be feeling. He wants to say he feels happy for them but he knows that’s far from the truth.
He feels betrayed by Minho for telling him not to worry about his relationship with Chan because it was nothing only to find out that he was going to be replaced by that very same person.
He feels betrayed by Chan because he was the person he trusted with venting about his feelings for Minho. He knows what worries him and what would make him upset.
However, he also doesn’t want to seem dramatic over something that was already over and he technically has no control over it so he just shrugs and acts nonchalantly. “Okay, whatever,” he says. Once again, he wasn’t being honest and failed to convey what he felt.
--
Eventually, Seungmin’s mind was too occupied with Chan and Minho to the point that it was unbearable to even look at them.
Chan and Minho who had their own world when they were together. Chan and Minho who spent so much time together that they have their own inside jokes that only they understand. Chan and Minho who showed affection for each other even in public. Chan and Minho who didn’t even need to communicate with words to understand each other.
It was obvious that their “two-week trial” was going to last longer and eventually become a serious thing. Absolutely fucking great.
Everything that they are is so different from what he experienced with Minho and it made Seungmin feel indescribably bitter.
It was such an ugly feeling that it made his stomach feel upset all the time, making him lose his appetite. He feels ridiculous because he thinks he shouldn’t even be reacting the way he is. Minho is his own person, he can do whatever he wants! But it’s bothering him how vastly different he was treated compared to Chan. His thoughts were jumbled and it was hard to form words to explain what he felt.
Am I just so easy to replace? Out of all people, why does it have to be the friends I spend the most time with?
He feels utterly betrayed and it hurts too much. He starts to think that he shouldn’t have been friends with them in the first place.
For all the pain that he feels, Seungmin gathers his last bit of dignity and decides to talk to Minho. What was his goal for this? He doesn’t know. Maybe he could get answers, or maybe it would make things worse; whatever the outcome was, he didn’t think about it. He just wanted to hear something— anything —directly from Minho.
“So, you and Chan hyung. I thought you said I shouldn’t have anything against him?” Seungmin starts. He’s sitting across from Minho in an empty hallway. There was a school festival and Chan went to fetch them some snacks.
Minho looks up from watching cat videos on his phone, raising a brow at Seungmin. “Why are you bringing this up now? And I never did anything with Chan while we still had that thing between us, if you’re insinuating that I cheated on you in some way,” he says, clearly not in the mood for the conversation they’re having.
“I’m not saying you cheated on me, we were never serious, to begin with,” Seungmin mutters, “I’m saying you could have been more honest with me. If you didn’t like me that way then you could have told me earlier and went off with Chan hyung,” he adds with a roll of his eyes.
The atmosphere had turned sour and the air between them was suffocating. At this point, they were more strangers than friends.
Minho scoffs. “So now you’re jealous? What the fuck, Min? We're over, in case you forgot. I can like whoever I want to like! You should just mind your own business! You were part of that stupid agreement to not make things official and now you’re here whining because someone else has my attention?” he’s no longer slouched and his voice was getting louder, annoyed at how Seungmin’s behaving, “Grow the fuck up,” he adds.
The way Minho spoke made Seungmin feel like he was being blamed for everything and it ticked him off even more. It turned out that he was right about Minho being defensive and never solving misunderstandings.
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have agreed in the first place! And in case you also forgot, you confessed to me first! If you couldn’t commit to something as simple as whatever the fuck we had then maybe you shouldn’t have started it! And now I have to see you and Chan act the way we failed to do and it’s making me sick to my stomach,” Seungmin says with an equally raised voice. At some point he stood up, looking down at Minho with hot tears forming behind his eyes.
Minho’s glaring at him, face red from being furious. “If you wanted more than what we agreed on, you should have spoken up. It’s too late now,” he says with his gaze boring holes in the younger boy’s face.
They’re both a little out of breath from arguing, staring each other down as if it would magically make the other disappear. If anyone were to see them, it would be obvious that they hated each other.
Before anyone could get another word out, Chan arrives with a plastic bag of snacks and beverages. The atmosphere was so thick that he had to stop in his tracks before he could reach them. “Umm... Sorry, I took a while. Is everything alright?” Chan asks, standing awkwardly at the other end of the hallway, hesitant to get close to them for fear that he might get chewed out.
“Everything’s fucking fine,” Seungmin says, turning to walk away. He doesn’t even glance at Chan as he leaves them behind.
Minho stays seated on the floor, scowling at the space that Seungmin previously occupied. As Chan sat beside him, he tells him everything, ranting his heart out. Chan feels kind of guilty because, well, Seungmin did make a point, but he also thinks Minho’s point was pretty valid. He didn’t want to pick a side because he felt like he was also part of the problem.
The whole situation is a mess.
--
Time flew by as usual and before Seungmin knew it, months had already passed since his argument with Minho. He entered his senior year in high school while Minho and Chan have already graduated, off to start university. He hasn’t spoken to them since that day and he doesn’t plan to do that any time soon.
He’s lying down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. The pain that he felt had numbed but it wasn’t completely gone yet. He wishes he could say he doesn’t think about the other boy anymore but it was the opposite. He thinks about Minho too much, maybe even an unhealthy amount, and it’s not helping him with his process of mending his wounds from the betrayal he felt all those months ago.
He doesn’t understand why he can’t seem to hate the older boy. Some days he thinks he overreacted and spoke too harshly to Minho, but other days he doesn’t care and thinks Minho deserved that. There was a constant push and pull between his emotions and it was tiring him out.
“You’re so unfair,” Seungmin mutters to himself, his chest aching with an overwhelming wave of his complicated feelings for someone who he was never even able to call his own.
Despite the anger he felt towards Minho, he still can't help but want to be close to him. He was still willing to try again, although it would take an excruciatingly long time to fix the relationship between them. He wanted to care for the older boy and be cared for just the same. He thinks he can forgive him easily if it meant they could be together.
It was a toxic kind of yearning for someone he wasn’t even compatible with but for whatever reason, it needed to be with Lee Minho and no one else. He was unforgettable in the worst way possible.
Maybe someday he’ll be able to forget about it and think about Minho without feeling a pang in his chest. Maybe someday he’ll realize he doesn’t need Minho to feel complete again. Maybe he’ll come to find the answers he so badly craved. Maybe. For now, all he could do is to hang on to those feelings as if his life depended on it just to feel something.
Seungmin rolls to his side and sobs himself to sleep with Minho’s hauntingly captivating gaze etched into his brain for the rest of his life.