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“I need you.”
There’s no hello. It’s like they’ve picked up a conversation left off ten years earlier and there’s no need for preamble.
He doesn’t hesitate. “Where?”
She spits out an address upstate and he doesn’t question the two hour drive because he hears everything she’s not saying. Anyone else might not make out the shakiness in her voice beneath the cool professional tone. Won’t hear the slight pause when she says, “Keep him safe,” and understand how scared she is. Couldn’t know that Olivia Benson may not give her trust easily, but when she does it’s like a lighthouse, the beacon calling him home.
“El,” She whispers, a break in her voice.
“I know, Liv. I know.”
He drives too fast, racing to get there. Wanting nothing more than to give Olivia the peace of mind she needs to do her work. Work he’d happily do by her side, except he’s needed somewhere more important, more precious. He knows exactly how much more it means that he is tasked with her son’s safety and not her’s or the solution to the case. He won’t take that for granted.
“Where’s my mom?” Noah demands when the door opens, blue eyes stubborn when they meet his.
“Still at work. But I’m gonna take you back to the city, bud.”
“Take me back to her.” Noah insists in a way that only Olivia’s child could.
“Soon. But let’s hit the road. Call your mom on the way.”
Elliot glances in the rear view mirror as they pull away, watching the picture-perfect suburban family turning to go back inside .He thrums his fingers against the steering wheel and glances over at Noah. “So uh…that family…”
“The McCann’s?”
“They’re friends of your mom?”
“Connor’s my half brother.” Noah pulls off his hat and stuffs it in his backpack.
“Half brother?”
“On my dad’s side.”
Elliot attempts to scrutinize Noah’s features, compare them to the man he’d seen in the house. Attempts to picture Olivia with that man as his hands tighten on the wheel.
“So Mr. McCann is your dad?”
“Pfft. No.” Elliot doesn’t need to look at Noah to be sure the kid is rolling his eyes. “Connor’s adopted.” He says, like that explains everything.
Elliot squints at the road before him, tries to understand the connections. He glances over at Noah who gives him an incredulous look. “ I’m adopted.” He says it like Elliot should know this, like it’s basic knowledge.
“Yeah, yeah. Of course.” He mumbles, the tension easing in his hands.
“You didn’t know?” Noah cocks his head.
“Well, your mom and I…we were out of touch for a while.”
“Why?” The question is flat, expectant. Elliot looks over at Noah and sees Olivia’s child. His eye color and his hair and the shape of his face may not obviously tie him to Liv. But that scrutiny in his gaze, the challenge in his voice, the confidence in the way he holds his shoulders, these are Olivia.
And just like Olivia, Noah looks at Elliot like there is no secret he can keep. It’s just as disarming, just as alarming.
“My fault.” His mouth is dry, he swallows uselessly. “I messed things up.”
“Then why did she send you.” There’s suspicion in Noah’s voice, like he can’t figure out why his mother still trusts her old partner if they’re no longer friendly.
He thinks of Olivia in interrogation, thinks of the way she can break open a suspect with a few choice words. “You’d make a good cop, ya know?”
“Why did she send you.” Noah repeats stubbornly.
He glances over at the kid who does not look afraid. He trusts his mother to keep him safe, that much is clear. Elliot understands that Noah is not asking for himself. Noah’s asking because he needs to know who Elliot is to the most important person in his life.
“Because I’d crawl over broken glass for her.” His voice cracks a little and he focuses on the road, feeling the weight of Noah’s stare on him.
The kid doesn’t respond, shuffling around in his bag and Elliot sees him produce his phone from its depths. “Hi Mom,” Noah pauses. “Yeah, we’re in the car.”
There’s another pause and Noah sighs. “But why am I coming back if I can’t even go home?”
Elliot glances over at him, watches him pick at the zipper of his backpack. “I wish you would tell me what’s happening.” Noah scowls. “Fine. Yeah, I know. Yeah, ok .” Noah pauses again, his cheeks turning a little red. “Yeah, love you too. Bye Mom.”
He hangs up and sighs again. “I’m not a child.” He mutters to Elliot, his gaze turned out the window.
“Your Mom’s just trying to keep you safe. You know that, right?”
Noah turns to look at him. “Will you tell me what’s happening? Yesterday my mom said she’d taken care of everything and she was coming to get me. And then you show up instead and she won’t explain why she sent you.”
“Look, Noah. This will all be over soon and then I’m sure your Mom will want to tell you everything herself. These guys she’s dealing with are just tricky and she’s being extra careful.”
Noah looks at him like he understands he’s being coddled, like he’s sick of people tiptoeing around him. But he stops arguing, shakes his head and turns away again.
They ride in silence for a while and just when Elliot thinks Noah’s fallen asleep, he hears him pipe up. “My mom doesn’t talk about you.”
Elliot clears his throat. “Oh?”
“She has this big album of all these old pictures. Uncle Fin and Auntie Amanda and all the people my mom used to work with. She’s told me lots of stories about them. And one day I asked her who you were. That’s why I knew who you were on Mother’s Day.”
“But she never told you about me?” He doesn’t know what he expected. Did he wish he would be some bedtime story she told her son? Did he think he’d earned that?
“Just that you’re her old partner and then you left the NYPD. And then after Mother’s Day she said you were in Europe for a while.”
“Yeah, that’s right.” He shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
“But you’re back with NYPD now?”
“I am. Organized crime.”
“Do people usually unretire like that?”
Elliot chuckles, “I guess I missed the work. Putting away the bad guys.”
“Didn’t you think you were gonna miss it when you left?”
“Yeah, I thought I might…”
“So why did you?” Noah insists once more.
Eliot sighs, the memory of Liv staring at him across the precinct, the useless search for Jenna’s pulse beneath his fingers. If you’d asked him then, he couldn’t have explained why he was leaving, he just knew he would. He just knew with certainty that everything needed to change. Either he left the job so he could have Olivia, or he left the job because he never would. He only knew he couldn’t be there anymore. He couldn’t keep living this life of halves, never feeling satisfied.
“I had a bad case. And I realized I needed to get some distance.” He finally replies to Noah.
“But you and my mom were partners for a long time?”
“About thirteen years.”
“Were you friends?”
“Yeah, I’d say we were.” It’s only half a lie.
“But then you guys didn’t stay in touch?” Noah asks him like it makes no sense.
“It was just…hard.”
“I mean, was it? Wasn’t the internet around back then? Or the phone at least.”
Elliot hadn’t expected to be picked apart by a 13 year old like this. Certainly hadn’t thought he’d have all his shit laid bare 20 minutes into the drive. He wonders exactly how much he’ll be liable to confess before this day is done. “Like I said, my mistakes.”
It seems Noah’s on a roll, because he pauses only long enough to take a breath. “Uncle Fin brought me up here, so why didn’t he come get me?”
“Your mom needs him on the case.”
“Uncle Fin tells me stories about Mom.”
“Oh yeah?” Elliot laughs lightly, relieved by the change in direction. “What kind of stories?”
“About her cases. He also told me she once got high off mushrooms during a case.” Noah gives Elliot a skeptical look.
“Oh, I remember that. Although it was an accident.”
“He didn’t make it up?”
“No, she really did that.”
Noah laughs softly, the first time he’s sounded anything but tense or anxious since Elliot picked him up. “What else?”
“Your mom once slapped me around to convince a perp she was on his side.”
Noah grins, “Did it hurt?”
“She didn’t hold back.”
“Uncle Fin told me one time she dressed up like a madam to take down a prostitution ring.”
“Wow, Fin’s telling you all that huh?”
“He made me promise not to tell Mom.”
Elliot laughs, “Sounds like Fin.”
“Tell me another.”
Elliot thinks of a time when Olivia thought she would always be alone. He thinks of her longing for a child, for family. He remembers how hard it hit her when Serena was suddenly gone, or anytime they’d deal with a child of rape and he’d watch her have to unpack her own history, wonder if she’d ever find love or peace. He wishes, not for the first time, that he’d gotten to watch her build her family with Noah, to bestow all the love in her heart onto a child.
“Ya know I’ve had some good partners over the years. But your mom was the best. Brilliant, courageous. She always knew what to do and I knew I could always count on her. We just…we understood each other.”
When Noah doesn’t respond, Elliot looks over. The kid looks at him carefully and Elliot knows that he sees it. “You missed her.” He says quietly, surely.
“Every day.”
“Mom!” Noah falls head first into her. Elliot catches the briefest glimpse of her black eye and his hand clenches on the strap of Noah’s backpack. He watches the reunion from the outside, still standing across the threshold from the family. Olivia’s fingers brush through Noah’s curls, her other hand soothing down his back. Her head dips and he sees her relax.
She looks back up, smiling warmly, her head tips in invite. Elliot steps over the threshold, and though it’s still them and him, it feels like a step closer.
Her arm is still around Noah as they walk away from the door. Elliot puts the backpack down, closes the door behind him and waits just there where they left him. He feels like an intruder in their home. He feels unsure if she really wants him here or if he’s served his purpose and he should go.
He can hear their voices drifting towards him, a gentle argument about Noah going to bed, and after a few minutes, Olivia returns, alone. “Thanks for getting him.” She takes a shallow breath. “Thanks for keeping him safe.”
“You know I’d do anything for you. For both of you.”
She stands there and looks at him and he thinks there was a time when this would have been easy. When it would feel anything but awkward. But it’s been as many years of him not knowing her as the time he knew her better than anyone else.
“I’ll go if you want me to.” He doesn’t move to leave. He prays that she doesn’t ask him to go.
“You don’t have to rush off.”
“Do you want me to stay?”
The pause is long enough that he’s sure she’s trying to work out how to tell him to go without feeling rude about it. “Yes.” She says instead. “I’ll make us some tea.”
In the kitchen he waits as she fills the kettle. “Thanks for keeping him at your place until we got it all settled. He wasn’t any trouble?”
Elliot chuckles, “He’s a good kid. Did his homework and had dinner. He did have a lot of questions on the drive.”
Olivia smiles, tucks a strand of hair behind her ear as she reaches for two mugs. “He wanted to stay up and talk, but I told him tomorrow.”
“Not just about the case. About us.”
She pauses in the middle of pulling out a tea bag. “Us.”
“I kept hoping you’d call when I heard about everything. I wanted to be here, Liv. I just didn’t think you wanted me to come.” She’s moving again, wiping the counter with a sponge, moving some papers from one counter to another.
She stops finally when the kettle whistles, pouring steaming water into their mugs and placing one before him.
She stands across the counter from him and finally looks at him. “There were so many times I wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and call you when I needed you. But I couldn’t do that for a long time, Elliot. And I’ve gotten used to that. I’m grateful you showed up today. But if I’m honest…” She takes a breath, her eyes welling with tears before she glances away. “If I’m honest I wasn’t sure what would happen when I called you.”
“Yeah,” He exhales quietly, the words slicing through him.
They’ve always been pretty honest with each other, and he’s grateful for that now, if for no other reason than to be certain where he stands with her. To know exactly how much he’s hurt her by the doubt she has in him, the pain in her voice. He’s been sure for weeks now that he’s lost her, all his messages and calls unanswered. At least to know it for sure, to know that she gave him a chance in spite of everything, gives him some small hope.
“I know I haven’t been here. But I am now. And I would do anything-” His voice cracks and he clears his throat. “Anything to earn your trust again. Tell me it’s not too late.”
“It’s been hard to think about letting you in again. But today,” She presses her hand to her chest, “Today meant a lot.”
The kernel of hope in him grows and he watches her cup her mug between her hands and take a sip.
“There’s a lot we haven’t talked about.” She adds softly.
He leans onto the counter, wanting to be closer but not daring yet to invade her space. “You know I want to, Liv.”
“I know. But I have no idea where to start.” A corner of her mouth lifting, a small shrug of her shoulder.
“Tell me the thing you want to tell me most.”
She holds his gaze for a long moment, then sighs. “I didn’t think you were ever coming back. And I thought I’d made peace with it. With never getting closure. With always wondering…” She frowns and doesn’t continue.
“I didn’t mean to do that. It wasn’t this intentional thing. It was just too hard to call you at first and I thought later it would be easier. And I just kept putting it off because I didn’t know how to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone you thought you’d stick with until the end? I just couldn’t.”
She stares into the depths of her mug as she takes this in. Then shakes her head gently. “Did it have to be goodbye? Couldn’t we-“
“What? Stay friends? Was that what we were?”
She looks slowly up at him. “Then what were we?” She whispers. She looks at him like she’s daring him to tell her everything. Finally put into words the thirteen odd years of their relationship, the ‘what they were to each other’. The thing he’d always pretended was indefinable but was actually very simple.
“You know.” He swallows. It was easier when it had slipped out of him, uninvited. But she’s looking at him like she needs to hear it again and he’s not sure he can do that. Elliot realizes that everyone seems to know this truth about him, even Olivia. But it doesn’t make it easier. He spent so many years knowing he could never say it, because he wasn’t even supposed to be feeling it. And all those times when he fucked up and said it haven’t helped him climb over that hurdle in his mind. The one that tells him, even now, that he’s not allowed this one thing that he needs more desperately than his next breath.
She pushes her mug away from her, the ceramic grinding against the countertop. She moves away from the island, stepping closer to the window, staring out of it like the answers he was unwilling to provide are out there. He wonders how often she did this in the years he was gone, wondering if she understood his reasons for leaving. He’d done his share of the same and he thinks maybe those times he was thinking of her, she may have been thinking of him.
He abandons his own mug, shuffles a bit closer. He’s so tired of letting her down. Today’s the day that he stops.
“I was in love with you.” He watches as she closes her eyes, a tear spilling onto her cheek as her shoulders tense.
“I am in love with you.” He emphasizes. If he’s going to do this, he has to go all the way. “I had to go. Because if you’d asked I would have…”
She shakes her head and turns to him. Her eyes open, more tears brimming on her bottom lash, sliding down her cheeks.
“No, El. I loved you because you wouldn’t have.” His heart beats in his throat. He takes a step towards her, like her words are a magnet, drawing him closer. “I love you-“ she sobs softly, “because you’re a good man.”
He moves until he’s before her, unsure if he wants to haul her against him or bend before her, proclaim his undying allegiance.
“Olivia,” His voice hoarse with the weight of how wrong she is. He’s never really been a man worthy of her, just one too afraid to be enough for her. He was never so loyal to his family as he was terrified of her rejection.
He can touch her now. He doesn’t have to hesitate, but he still does. Still has to remind himself that his duty is done. That he’s able to follow the demands of his heart. His hands land tentatively on her hips, resting there instead of pulling her in.
Her hands come to his shoulders, slide up his neck and she bends him closer, a sliver of space still between their bodies. His forehead brushes hers, her breath against his cheek, their noses slide together.
He’s thought of this so many times. What it would feel like to hold her without any pretense between them. What it would be like to confess everything to her. What it would mean if she ever felt the same.
But the expectation of relief, of happiness, is all wrong. Because all he can do is take her in, the weight of her hands on him, the warmth of her tea-laced breath, the softness of her skin. All he can do is hold his breath, will his heart to not give up, and live in the infinite of this moment.
And then her hands cup his cheeks and her lips touch his. Soft. Wet with tears. She kisses him again. With anyone else it would be nothing, a chaste contact of skin. With Olivia it's everything.
He wants to draw her hips against his. He wants to pry her lips apart with his. He wants to slide his tongue against hers. He doesn’t do any of these things. He lets her lead him because he’d follow anywhere she goes. Even now. Especially now.
When Liv doesn’t kiss him again, when she steps closer instead, curls her body into his and rests her forehead on his shoulder, he doesn’t mind.
His arms finally wrap around her, squeezing her body into his. He sighs.
He laughs suddenly, a welling up of emotion that makes his heart stutter, his belly warm.
She laughs softly too. And he knows. He knows in his heart they won’t go back again. This is it. For the rest of their lives.