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There were days when the yearning was more powerful than he’d thought himself capable of bearing. The hum at the back of his head, the thirst on his dry lips. It was consuming, tiring, and it felt as if air would not reach his lungs.
He will not break. Those words had become more like a prayer each morning rather than a promise. The need would spread from his mouth to the very tips of his fingers and numb the nerves in his legs. He will endure. He was much more than this sickness.
‘Your hand is shaking.’
That dry voice pushed through the fog of his thoughts and pulled him back like claws, inside the poorly lit room. His hand holding the reports came back into focus and he watched in apathy the uncontrollable tremor of the papers.
There was silence in the waiting. When he regained control he looked up at the pinning, unforgiving eyes of the woman they had named their herald and leader. She was not kind, this savior of theirs, nor was she compassionate. But she was honest; she was as sharp as the blades she danced with. Her fight for order was armed with a will of steel. He hated knowing he could be her crippled reach. His silence felt almost like a betrayal.
‘These past few days have kept me busy. I might have skipped some hours of sleep; nothing that can’t be fixed.’
He looked away because her eyes refused to leave him. From across the table she was staring bluntly, letting him know that she did not appreciate being lied to.
There was clatter from the hall and it was only a matter of moments before the meeting would start. The words they did not speak were dead weight on his tired shoulders. He had witnessed her pass judgment for less. She would not have his silence as an answer.
The door opened behind her and for the first time she uncrossed her arms from her chest.
‘Take the day off, Commander. Send your paperwork to my quarters after the meeting.’
He did not have time to protest as Leliana took her place and Josephine prepared her ink. The small victories and the lives they lost in battles against the Red Templars took the place of their voiceless conflict.
She did not believe his lie and yet she played along. His judgment will come and he felt it in his bones that it wouldn’t be merciful and it wouldn’t be swift. He will tell her. He will let her know of his gamble. He will not be her weakness from within.