Work Text:
Title credits, theme music.
1. INT. FIFTH KITCHEN
Open on the Fifth House - of course, where else would we be? - in the manor of LADY ABIGAIL PENT and SIR MAGNUS QUINN. MAGNUS stands barefoot in the kitchen, a rough-hewn bedhead, holding a steaming mug. He appears relaxed, but still, something troubles him -
MAGNUS: Hmmm.
Suddenly terrified, Magnus raises a finger of realization.
MAGNUS: Oh, God, I’ve forgotten our anniversary again!
[LAUGH TRACK]
Someone - a teenager - rushes in from the living room. It’s JEANNEMARY, already dressed and wide awake.
JEANNEMARY: You WHAT?
MAGNUS (turning towards her): Jeanne? Oh, dear. Oh, God - you musn’t tell Abigail, I’ve still got time to… buck up and find a gift, pen a nice speech. Oh, dear…
JEANNEMARY: Magnusssss, this is the third time!
[LAUGH TRACK]
MAGNUS: Damn, I wish I could curse in front of you-
ABIGAIL suddenly floats down the stairs in her robe, holding a steaming mug of her own. She rubs her eyes beneath her glasses and yawns.
ABIGAIL: G’morning, dear, what’s all the fuss?
MAGNUS (panicked): It’s nothing, I promise - just saying good morning to Jeanne.
ABIGAIL: Oh, hello, Jeannemary. How long have you been up?
JEANNEMARY: Don’t ask me that question.
MAGNUS: You didn’t pull an all-nighter again, did you?
Jeannemary looks at the camera, deadpan. [LAUGH TRACK]
ABIGAIL: You’ve just got to get more sleep than that, bug. I’ll have to take your sword away if you keep staying up.
JEANNEMARY: Ugh, don’t call me bug - and what, you think I’m up training?
MAGNUS: What else would you be doing?
JEANNEMARY (mumbling): That’s a question for Isaac’s Wii 7.
ABIGAIL: Well, alright, I’m going to get dressed. We can talk about the consequences of all-nighters once everyone’s properly awake.
Abigail stretches again, then returns up the stairs.
MAGNUS (whispering to Jeannemary): She didn’t say anything about our anniversary. Do you think… is it possible that she forgot too?
JEANNEMARY: Abigail Pent? No, there’s no way she forgot. Things stick in her brain like… well, very sticky things. You’re screwed!
MAGNUS: Don’t talk too loud, she might hear.
JEANNEMARY: Look, this is your mess. If you need help getting a gift, do NOT hmu.
MAGNUS: “Hmu”?
Jeannemary starts to run away.
JEANNEMARY: (over her shoulder): Good luck - not!!!!
Jeannemary exits up the stairs. Magnus looks to the ceiling, perhaps praying, perhaps cursing himself. Once he’s certain Jeannemary is out of earshot, he facepalms -
MAGNUS: Fuck.
[EXTENSIVE LAUGH TRACK]
And we fade to black.
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2. INT. GIFT SHOP
Koniortos’s favorite gift shop. It’s not particularly large, but it’s big enough to get absorbed in, and Magnus, now dressed and tidy, is quite absorbed - if you count desperation as absorption.
In full terror, he peruses a shelf full of mugs.
MAGNUS (mumbling): No, no, we both have enough mugs…
A little wildly, Magnus whirls towards a shelf of books. It’s a very large shelf.
MAGNUS: Of course she’d love a book, but I wouldn’t know where to begin…
Magnus pulls a book from the shelf, looking at the cover. He flips it to look at the back cover; then he flips it upside down, and holds it up above his head, then turns it upside down again. [LAUGH TRACK]
MAGNUS: I’m afraid this just won’t do.
An OLD MAN accidentally bumps into Magnus.
OLD MAN: Terribly sorry, sir. Say - is something the matter?
Magnus looks up from his feet, at which he’d been staring dejectedly. He pauses, and then he decides to speak his mind with the full confidence of a man at the gallows.
MAGNUS: I’m fucked. I forgot my wife’s anniversary.
OLD MAN: Ohhhhh dear, you are fucked!
The old man continues onward through the store. Magnus looks desperately at the camera, then facepalms. [LAUGH TRACK]
Cut to Scene 3. * * *
3. INT. PENT-QUINN MANOR
Abigail, dressed in necromancer’s robes, sits across a coffee table from ISAAC. Her fingers tap nervously on her knee; she adjusts her glasses.
ABIGAIL: I can’t believe this. I simply cannot believe this.
ISAAC: Look, it’s not that bad, I’m sure we can fix-
ABIGAIL: Let’s not deny the seriousness of the situation, please. There’s no time to do anything now-
ISAAC: I, uh, beg to differ-
ABIGAIL: Do not beg to differ, I am having a moment.
ISAAC: Okay, mo- Abigail.
ABIGAIL (turning away). This is horrendous. Forgetting his anniversary. Yargh. Isaac, cover your ears.
Isaac covers his ears.
ABIGAIL: I am completely fucked.
[LAUGH TRACK, DRAMATIC IRONY STYLE]
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4. EXT. STREETS OF KONIORTOS
We see Magnus walking down a sidewalk with a bouquet of purple flowers: lavender, lilacs, hyacinth. There is a crease at his brow - he’s obviously stressed. Then, the screen splits in two. Next to Magnus walking, we see Abigail entering a store in a hurry, looking over her shoulder. After a moment, she emerges with a large brown paper bag. On their respective sides of the screen, Magnus and Abigail stop, heave deep sighs, then continue walking.
Cut to scene 5.
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5. INT. ISAAC’S ROOM
Jeannemary and Isaac lie on their stomachs on a carpeted floor. Jeannemary holds a comm up to her ear.
JEANNEMARY (over the comm): That’d be awesome, thanks. Ciau.
ISAAC: Good?
JEANNEMARY: Good.
They high-five in the awkward way that two teenagers lying on their stomachs must high-five.
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6. INT. PENT-QUINN MANOR LIVING ROOM
Abigail sits apprehensively at the coffee table, the brown paper bag set beside her. She taps nervous rhythms on her thigh. Then Magnus bursts through the front door, bouquet gripped in one hand, a fistful of his own hair in the other.
They stare at each other for one silent moment. Then:
MAGNUS AND ABIGAIL: Oh my God I’m so sorry I forgot our special day this is all my fault I beg all proper forgiveness-
They stop, realizing they have spoken in unison. They stare at each other some more. [DRAWN-OUT LAUGH TRACK]
MAGNUS (nervously): You… you forgot too?
]ABIGAIL: You forgot too?
MAGNUS: Well, I.
They stare even more. Then, slowly, they begin to laugh.
ABIGAIL: Isn’t this something.
MAGNUS: God, I’m afraid it is.
Magnus steps further inside, composing himself. He raises his purple bouquet up to his chest.
]MAGNUS: I wanted to get you a present, of course, though in the circumstances it’s ended up being an apology. I know you love flowers. I do hope you’ll forgive me.
ABIGAIL: It’d be rank hypocrisy not to forgive you.
She looks down beside her, as if remembering her gift - the brown paper bag. She picks it up and presents it to Magnus.
ABIGAIL: It’s foolish, really, but I know you love a good artisan bread. And Mari’s is undeniably the best. Verified through my own purely academic research. Temporary, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.
MAGNUS (softly): Thank you, my dear.
ABIGAIL: And thank you. I’ll wear a hyacinth tonight.
MAGNUS: And surely look radiant.
Suddenly, Isaac and Jeannemary burst into the room in a wild frenzy, Jeannemary’s hair a total mess and Isaac clutching a crumpled piece of flimsy.
JEANNEMARY: YOU BOTH FORGOT EACH OTHER’S ANNIVERSARIES AND WE’RE APOLOGIZING TO BOTH OF YOU FOR BOTH OF YOU!!!!
ISAAC: ABIGAIL, MAGNUS IS SORRY! MAGNUS, ABIGAIL IS SORRY!! DINNER RESERVATIONS ARE AT EIGHT!!!!
ABIGAIL: What-
MAGNUS: Dinner?
JEANNEMARY: Or should I say, MAGNUS THE FIFTH PRESENTS HIS MOST FORMAL APOLOGIES-
ISAAC: AS DOES ABIGAIL-
JEANNEMARY: - TO HIS WIFE -
ISAAC: - TO HER HUSBAND -
ISAAC AND JEANNEMARY: AND BEGS FORGIVENESS WITH A FANCY-ASS DINNER AT THE RED SPOT GALA TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
[LAUGH TRACK]
There is a pause. Isaac and Jeannemary are panting hard from shouting; Abigail and Magnus are shell-shocked.
Then:
MAGNUS: … Why, Abigail, er, thank you for the dinner reservation.
ABIGAIL: Why, Magnus, how kind of you to invite me to the Red Spot Gala.
Both turn to the children and smile slyly.
ABIGAIL: It’d be quite impressive if the kids had something to do with this, but I sure am glad they never found out we forgot our anniversary.
MAGNUS: Truly a blessing, if I do say so myself.
Isaac and Jeannemary roll their eyes, then retreat back to Isaac’s room in a fit of giggles. Abigail and Magnus turn to each other.
MAGNUS: Hand me a lilac, darling, I must get fancied up.
Abigail smiles and hands him a flower, and we fade to black and credits.
END.