Chapter Text
Part 1: The episode intro
It is a cold crisp dry fall morning in Britain. The sun has only just risen, illuminating Stonehenge, one of the enduring enigmas of our time. The ancient pale gray stones, stained black in parts, give off a sense of mystery and wonder. Surrounding Stonehenge is a freshly mowed field of brilliant green grass. No people are about. Top Gear's theme song can be heard playing, Dan ta dan ta da ta danta danta danta...
Jeremy Clarkson's voice announces the episode "Tonight on Top Gear, we determine the best road car for an inter-dimensional jaunt. Viewer discretion advised due to violence and extreme awesomeness. In this episode James goes Rambo (brief video image of James May with a British flag bandana firing a 50 caliber machine gun while screaming), Hammond has a parking mishap (brief video image of Richard Hammond dressed in military fatigues inspecting a horse cart that has been crushed beneath the back of a tank, thankfully the horse is not under the tank but is still attached to the cart. The horse is franticly kicking. Hammond can be briefly heard to say "Oh dear, sorry, sorry"). "And I briefly wield the might of a GOD" (brief video image of Clarkson driving a black convertible car (right hand drive), dressed as Thor the god of thunder, of all things. He is holding aloft Thor's hammer Mjolnir with his right hand, which is crackling with lightning, all the while screaming "POWER!").
We return to the image of a deserted Stonehenge. We can see Stonehenge on the right; there is a gravel path in the middle, and field of grass on the left. The camera slowly pans left showing a fence that protects Stonehenge. Richard Hammond's voice is heard "I was the first to arrive". A green camouflage pattern tank drives into the video shot and bursts through the fence. Fence bits go everywhere; one fence pole is completely ripped out of the ground and can be seen bouncing off of one the Stonehenge monoliths which results in some stone breaking off. The grass is churned up and sent flying by the tank's treads as the tank does a couple of doughnuts around the grassy field, blackened diesel exhaust roaring into the air. The tank finally parks; facing the viewer, and turns off its engine.
A hatch opens on the tank's turret and Richard Hammond's upper half emerges. He is dressed in green military fatigues and is wearing a tanker's helmet, which makes him vaguely resemble his hamster nickname. He looks to his left and grimaces (the camera pans over to show a fence pole impaling a keep Britain bountifulsign; the sign has the image of somebody throwing garbage into a waste container. As the camera pans back to Richard a tank tread track is shown having crushed a garbage can flat).
"Sorry a'bot that, the boys over did it just a tad. Anyway, as you can see, for this trip I've brought the best the British army has to offer; the Challenger 2 main battle tank. Model FV4034 to be precise. 120-millimetre 55-calibre long gun,two 7.62 mm machine gun, multiple smoke grenade launchers. And a little extra treat (Hammond uses his left hand to slap the side of a rotatable armored rectangular box that is mounted on the top of the turret). Nine hyper-velocity laser guided missiles with adjustable kinetic warheads for frangible impact or armored penetration; perfect for both ground and air. Um (Richard grimaces and looks slightly embarrassed) not really sure what frangible means but I suppose we'll find out about that later". Hammond now pulls himself onto the top of the turret, takes off his tanker helmet, and scampers down to the ground, almost falling off at one point. He starts to walk around the tank pointing out additional features (the camera follows him).
"The usual optional equipment, reactive armor (he points to thin rectangular plates attached to various parts of the tank) should upset any nasties. Try and take a bite of that and you'll be missing more then just a tooth. I've also selected the optional air conditioning package (points to a box attached to the back of the turret) perfect incase we encounter any dessert locals on our travels. And of course the full NBC warfare kit (Nuclear Biological Chemical). With my British army crew there's not much we can't handle. The 1200 horse power V12 is bit slow though with a road speed of only 40 miles per hour. Oh, and it's a diesel, something Clarkson will probably get to moaning about".
There is crushing sound off camera, the camera pans back to the fence where a green camouflaged 8 wheeled armored boxy vehicle, also with a turret, is rolling though the hole in the fence. James May's voice can be heard "I was the next to arrive". The vehicle drives up and parks next to Hammond's tank. A hatch opens on the turret and James May's head, with his usual spaniel hair style, emerges to stare down upon the tank. "Hammond, I'm a bit surprised" James's declares with his usual dry droll. "I'd have expected Clarkson to have brought that and to be going on about power or some such nonsense. Are you sure you're not over compensating for something"? May grabs hold of the hatch ring and climbed out onto the top of his vehicle. Unlike Hammond in his military garb, James was dressed in light brown outdoorsy camping/hiking gear.
"May, mate, what the heck is that" Richard replies back with a grin on his face.
"This, my good fellow, is a US Army Striker Brigade M1127 Reconnaissance vehicle. Say what you want about the Yanks, they tend to be properly good at blowing up things. It weights in at a nimble 20 tons compared to your girthy 70ish tons. Its eight wheels allow it to traverse almost any terrain, and it can continue to move with half of its wheels missing or shot off. Fully amphibious, it can swim as well as drive. It is also capable of over 60 miles per hour via its turbo diesel V10 capable of 350 horse power. She carries a combat team of six troopers plus a crew of two. I went with the 20 mm Gatling gun upgrade and (points to a box attached to the side of the turret) the dual TOW missile launcher, and the 50 cal machine gun (mounted on top of the turret). I should be able to outrun anything I can't blow up. Moreover, I have a fully equipped 6 man combat squad with all of their gear, more on that later in the show. She also has two firing slots per side so the combat team can return fire without leaving the vehicle, and one rear firing slot".
May climbs down from his perch and walked over to stand next to Hammond. "My God that suckers big" May declares looking at Hammond's tank, "What are you expecting, Godzilla"?
"Don't really know, thought it best be plan for the worst" rebuts Richard.
The usual Top Gear humorous critique of each other's vehicles commenced. After a few minutes they started talking about their missing colleague. "So what do you think Jezzas going to turn up with" Richard asked.
"I'd guess a tank, but if he had his druthers it would probably be a F15, Apache helicopter or an A-10 Warthog ; but they don't really drive on the road as it were" May replied.
Various vehicle selection ruminations commenced (M1 tank? Israeli tank? German tank? I know, a Range Rover, naa no fire POWER) until they were interrupted by a crackling sound of something light driving thought the gap in the fence. A black right hand drive convertible (the top was down) drove in and parked next to May's Recon vehicle. Two people were sitting in the car. One is Clarkson, the other is a unknown blond female.
Clarkson's bombastic and gravely voice is now heard to say "I was the last to arrive". Clarkson opens his car door, steps out the vehicle and proceeds to walk over to his fellow presenters. Jeremy is wearing walking boots, grey jeans, a light brown shirt, a dark brown jacket and a grey scarf. He immediately finds fault with their vehicle choices.
"I see my fellow presenters have been boringly predictable in their selections; and wrong I might add. Yes this is an inter-dimensional trip and one must be properly prepared but this" Jeremy waved his hand indicating the military vehicles, "This is excessive".
May quickly rebuts "Clarkson you fool, didn't you read the memo? You've brought the wrong vehicle. You won't last 10 minutes out there".
"Yes I read the memo, it clearly stated the best road car. Not best I want to invade another dimension and set myself up as a warlord vehicle. Not the best the world is ending and we need to fight over the last scone in England vehicle".
"Did you even bring a weapon" asks Hammond.
"Yes I brought a weapon, several in fact" replies Clarkson while looking condescendingly at the pair, "9mm Beretta hand gun, AK-47, and a grenade launcher. Proper prudence I should think. Hmm, don't think health and safety is going to be pleased with this episode. Painting everything orange probably won't help either".
Clarkson walks back to the convertible and starts to provide details about his vehicle choice, the camera pans around the car as Clarkson drones on.
"Unlike your overly paranoid selections I've brought the Aston Martin Vanquish Volante convertible, the carbon black edition. 6 liter V12 with 570 horse power. 0 to60 in just 3.6 seconds and a top speed over 200 MPH. Full leather and exquisite luxury. An elegant and appropriate vehicle to tour the multiverse I would say. Plus, unlike you two dullards, I've brought a pretty girl. Just the thing to look at when your eyes get tired of the exotic scenery".
The camera pans to the woman in the passenger seat. She's white, tallish with brilliant blond hair, long legs and stunning deep blue eyes. She's dressed in an elegant black evening gown and appears to be wearing a slender necklace with a cross. Clarkson ends his presentation by sitting on the hood of the car, with crossed arms, looking smug.
James and Richard walk away to where they had been standing and start a hushed conversation. In the background Clarkson goes to the passenger side door and opens it to allow his companion to exit (ahh always the gentleman).
"You know he's going die" Richard whispers.
"And badly" May replies "He doesn't stand a chance. The producers were quite specific as to the dangers".
"Hmm" Hammond mused, "The BBC has been quite cross with him lately, and just think about the ratings".
"The producers do have to approve of the vehicle choice before we show up so I think we should continue" concludes May, "Worst case, we all get a promotion and have to find a new presenter. I call dibs on interviewing a Star in a reasonably priced car".
Behind the plotting pair Clarkson and his blond companion can be seen walking up.
"So who's your ah... cohort Jeremy" Richard asked as the pair joined them.
"Navigator, I have it on good authority" Jeremy answered.
"Right..." Richard replied.
Clarkson continued "Yana, I'd like to introduce my fellow presenters James May and Richard Hammond. Please try not to let anything they say bother you". Yana politely shakes their hands, at this point a white lab coated man approached the group and gives May an envelope.
"And our first communiqué from the producers" May declares. He opens the envelope and reads the contents.
"In five minutes a mystic portal to Svartalfheim, the Norse dark faerie realm, will open. You are to drive through the portal and take the road you see before you to the inn of the gutted pig, roughly 20 miles down the road. You are to stay the night. The local fauna can be quite hostile, so are the locals. Note that there is essentially no law enforcement so defend yourselves as needed. Additional instructions will be provided in the morning. Please try to survive the drive intact".
With that the envelope and letter vanished in a brief burst of flame followed by some cursing from May as he shakes his slightly singed fingers.
Clarkson looked around vaguely puzzled and uttered his favorite line "How hard can it be"?
Part 2: Prep for the trip
"Well then, let's mount up" Clarkson declares. "Hammond you go first as your the biggest and the slowest, I'll go second and May can guard our rears". Clarkson paused for moment and reflected upon his statement, then shakes his head and utters " Can't believe I just stated that May is going to be guarding my rear".
The group breaks up as they all head to their vehicles. As in all episodes, small GoPro cameras, with sound recording, are mounded on their vehicles so the viewer can see what is happening.
Hammond climbs up onto his tank, puts his tanker helmet back on, and gets into the turret. He ends up with his upper torso being out of the turret. Hammond then straps on some body armor while he talks. "I see Jeremy has now started going after the interns. As I've said before, there is a certain type of girl who is attracted to celebrityism but Jeremy, tsk tsk so sad. Right, since I'm taking the lead I think we need to prime this little baby" Hammond says with a grin. He cocks the 30 cal machine gun and chambers a round.
"Ever third round is a tracer to aid in the gunner in seeing where the rounds going" Hammond briefs the viewers. "Start her up driver, Corporal Hein is our driver. Gunner, his name's Bill by the way, select an appropriate round. Ahh, he says that they've loaded a high explosive round". Hammond finishes the short briefing. The tank diesel roars to life.
May goes to the back of his recon vehicle, which has lowered the back access hatch. "As you can see I have a fully equipped combat squad in the back" May points to the men sitting in the vehicle, three on each side of the vehicle. May briefs the viewers on the squad while he straps on body armor and a helmet.
"Each of these fine chaps is equipped with body armor, the L85A2 assault rifle with optional grenade launcher and a 9mm pistol. We have two 5.56mm light machine gun in our kit, assorted grenades, and of coursed night vision goggles. We also have eight AT4 854mm light anti tank shoulder fired single shot launchers in addition to the two TOW missiles in the outside launch and the three spare TOW rounds. Plus an 81mm mortar with various rounds".
May is now fully combat dressed and climbs into the vehicle which then raises the back access hatch. May's head now pops out the turret hatch and he continues the briefing, "And over 2000 rounds of 20mm armor piercing rounds, bit crowded in here". The recon vehicle's engine also now roars to life and then simmers down to a mild purr.
May continues, "A first viewers, apparently Top Gear now has a casting couch. I can just see it, Jeremy sitting behind his desk interviewing young ladies who want to get into broadcasting".
May now attempts to imitate Jerry by lowering his voice and having his face by assuming a bit of a gaping aspect "It's a great opportunity my dear. A Top Gear road trip is the perfect vehicle in which to demonstrate you're considerably talents and allows me show you my manhood, uhmm... I mean my manly valor". May stops trying to ape Jeremy and concludes, "We all know Jezza's a bit of knob, but now he's apparently thinking with it". May concludes while shaking his head from side to side, "So sad".
Clarkson and Yana return to the Aston Martin, Clarkson holds open the passenger side door for Yana to enter, shuts it and then goes to the driver's side and gets it. He starts to brief the viewers as he adjusts the rearview mirror.
"Now ordinarily I would have picked a vehicle more inline with my fellow presenters. This trip really is rather perilous, but as I was mulling over what vehicle to select I happened to mention the upcoming episode to an acquaintance of mine. Now as you know, we have one super powered individual per season in the Star in a reasonably priced car; this results in acquaintances, friendships, and contacts that, well... are somewhat different then the normal celebrity interactions. Anyhow the, shall not be named, acquaintance suggested that the challenge included the choice of companions and that the appropriate companion or companions could allow for a more normal vehicle selection. After some trepidation I was convinced. Yana, lovely as she is, is not just some ornamental bit of fluff".
The camera now shows Yana, the necklace that first looked like a cross can now be seen to actually be a small silver sword. "She is quite accomplished in a variety of skills, which I suspect we shall see in this episode. She accepted my invitation to join me on this trip because, well... I'll let Yana explain".
Yana gives a half smile, "I was rather bored. My teammates suggested a road trip, but the same acquaintance of Jeremy's, who happens to be a big Top Gear fan, recommended that he knew of just the right road trip for me. I watched a few episodes and found myself amused so I agreed. This is not the road trip my teammates were thinking of taking, but I suspect I'll enjoy this one a lot more. Should give me a chance to cut loose a bit".
"There you have it gentle viewers, ahh I see the portal has opened" Jeremy concludes the briefing.
A thirty foot oval hole in the fabric of space had opened. Instead of Stonehenge a dirt road could be seen leading off into the distance. The sky in the other realm appears to be a light green instead of earth's blue. Hammond can be heard to say, "Right, we're off"! The tank engine roars and the tank drives thought the portal, followed by the convertible and then the recon vehicle.