Archive of Our Own

Sunoo's hair is his natural dark brown when he leaves, his older sister's junky car she handed down to him junior year filled to the brim with boxes and bags containing everything that could ever amount to what he is. What it doesn't have is Jungwon, who became a permanent fixture only two minutes after Sunoo got the keys, burning his finger prints into the dash from how many times he's clutched it while Sunoo drove too fast and too recklessly, singing along to music Jungwon would've never listened to if he hadn't first heard it in Sunoo's car. He leaves Jungwon with a long, hard hug that he continues to feel long after Sunoo's disappeared from view, and Jungwon disappeared from his mind.

Riki's sitting on Jungwon's front porch when he finally makes the walk back home, dried tears clinging to his cheeks like he tried to cling onto Sunoo. He rubs a hand over them and laughs, knowing if Sunoo were to see him he'd frown and tell him to wash his face.

Jungwon always did what Sunoo told him to do, some natural magnetism making him want to comply, to show Sunoo that he cares, that he wants Sunoo to be proud of him, even if it is just for washing his face. It's a habit he never tried particularly hard to break, if only because it seemed like too much work for a worse outcome.

Riki's hair is bleached, roots grown out and stark black against the pale yellow. He said his goodbyes to Sunoo last night over a dinner he paid for, because Riki would rather empty his own measly bank account than tell someone how he feels about them. Before he left, Sunoo turned around and kindly told Riki if his hair was still piss yellow by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, he'd kill him.

"School starts soon," is how Riki greets him, arms stretched out behind him, lazily looking up at Jungwon. Jungwon sits down next to him, picking at the holes in his jeans, and hums, afraid if he were to speak he'd start crying again. "Hey. Did you have Bell for chemistry?"

Jungwon clears his throat and nods, not looking up from his jeans.

Riki clicks his tongue. "Heard she's a tough bitch." He groans, moving his hands to stretch them out in front of him. "I don't think my GPA can take that big of a hit."

"Your GPA will be fine," Jungwon says finally, wrapping his arms around his front. "You're taking APUSH, right?" he asks, and then sighs when Riki nods. "Don't worry about Bell. I'll help you study."

"Cool," Riki responds. They both fall silent soon after, the only thing louder than the ringing in Jungwon's ears is the sound of the cicadas in the trees. They scream and scream and scream, and Jungwon has to violently stamp down the urge to scream with them.

The sun is almost fully set by the time either of them speak again. Riki stands, cracking his knuckles, and starkly avoiding Jungwon's gaze. "I'm gonna miss him."

Jungwon cringes, full bodied in a way that physically hurts. "Don't say that."

"It's the truth."

Riki's mouth is set in a frown when Jungwon looks up again, fingernails digging into his ribs.

"I don't think—" Riki cuts himself off. He sniffles. "It's just not gonna be the same without him around, you know?"

Oh, does Jungwon know. Sunoo's been an afterthought, something he took advantage of, for six years now. Getting so used to having someone around you start to feel like there's nobody with you is a comfort only indulged in when the person hasn't just left to go be somewhere else, countless miles away. Jungwon cried the day of Sunoo's graduation—locked away in Sunoo's childhood home's bathroom, away from the prying eyes of his family excitedly helping him get ready for the most important event of his life thus far. He cried in the bathroom, at the venue, behind a tree during pictures; he cried so much he was able to do it silently in a car full of people.

Jungwon stands up abruptly. "Let's go inside, yeah?" Riki eyes him cautiously as he brings a hand up to carelessly swipe at his eyes. "We can play Fifa, or something."

"Sunoo took the Xbox with him," Riki says quietly.

"Right." Jungwon swallows hard. "Then let's watch a movie."

Riki nods, grabbing ahold of the railing, and makes to pass Jungwon, but he stops right in front of him. "We can do this," he says. Jungwon has to crane his neck uncomfortably to look into his eyes, but he feels as if he has to, like he owes Riki that. "It's just one year." And then when he's at the top of the steps, one hand on the doorknob, "What can happen in one year?"

✩

Three days into living in overpriced, cramped college housing, Sunoo sits on the floor of his dorm room and bleaches his hair down to his scalp. Jungwon watches him do so through videos on his Instagram story, his roommate Jake laughing in the background of every one. They picked him together, went through dozens of different guys before landing on him, his good boy-ness mixed with potential future frat boy persona drenched in a thick coat of Christianity seeming non-threatening enough for Sunoo to feel comfortable sleeping in the same room as him.

Jungwon stares at the final picture posted midnight Sunoo's time and ten pm his time the entire duration it takes Riki to get to his house, and then some.

"It's just hair," Riki says, like it is just hair, but it isn't to Jungwon. "Why are you so hung up on it?"

Sunoo even texted Jungwon his plans yesterday afternoon, a picture of bleach and developer freshly bought from the Sally Beauty Supply a ten minute bus ride from his dorm. What Sunoo failed to realize was that his hair wouldn't lift to a perfect blonde, so he's a little yellow—ironically more so than Riki currently. Jungwon makes that joke as Riki shoves at his legs, whining.

"Fuck you," Riki says, pouting like it'll have any effect on Jungwon. It never did on Sunoo either, but he still tried again and again. "I like my hair."

Jungwon laughs—probably for the first time since Sunoo left—and kicks at him. "It's the color of piss." Riki's whine raises in pitch as Jungwon begins to chant, "Piss boy," over and over.

Riki eventually flops over onto Jungwon, completely covering him, and covers his mouth with his hand. "Stop," he hisses directly into Jungwon's ear, but his smile gives away the fact that he's laughing too.

If Sunoo were here, he'd be tucked away in between the wall and the newly created Jungwon/Riki amalgamation, hands clutching his sides as he laughed along with them. If Sunoo were here, Jungwon would push Riki off of him and attach himself to Sunoo's side instead, upping his teasing, just to prolong Sunoo's laughter even a little bit more. If he were here, the bone deep emptiness wouldn't wash over Jungwon without a moments notice.

Riki's laughter dies down an awkward second after Jungwon's. "Hey," he says, poking Jungwon's cheek. "Wanna go down to the old golf course?"

Last summer, Sunoo and Jungwon went to the old golf course at sunset and had a mini picnic on the green. It's probably Jungwon's favorite memory ever.

"No," Jungwon says, looking up at the ceiling. He blinks twice, hard. "Let's just make lunch. Are you hungry?"

Riki is, like he always is, and he raids Jungwon's fridge with little care. Jungwon quite likes him, likes what Riki represents and what he is to Jungwon. A distraction, the best kind, the one you get without having to ask. He shows up to Jungwon's house without notice, charming his way past Jungwon's older sister up into Jungwon's room, mostly his bed. Riki has this odd sense of ownership to everything around him. Everything is his, nothing is really his, but it all is in the end.

The distraction, that shows its head in many ways. For the last two weeks of summer it comes in the form of rearranging Jungwon's childhood bedroom. He creates a Pinterest board full of inspiration they barely use, commandeers every odd piece of furniture left in the random corners of Jungwon's house and tries it out in the space. Ultimately, it may not look the same as it did but Jungwon can still feel Sunoo in every corner of the room, choking him slowly.

Riki doesn't understand why this is hitting Jungwon as hard as it has. He's young but Jungwon knows he knows of loss intimately, for reasons he mostly keeps to himself, but those experiences have caused him to have a cheerily optimistic outlook on the world. To him, Sunoo leaving changes nothing. A pause button has been pressed despite time moving on, and slowly at that, but to him, their friendship will be the same once he comes back.

Jungwon doesn't believe that; not for a second. Maybe that's why it's so hard, because realistically he knew this was coming, knew from the second that he met Sunoo that he'd leave first, and Jungwon knew well enough to start preparing for it long ago; but he got caught up in all that is Sunoo, the magnetism buried deep inside him that urges Jungwon to come closer. How can you prepare for the end when every second spent together seems so far from it?

"Dude," Riki tells him after a quickly regretted moment of weakness. "You're acting like he went off to war, not college."

Riki has a point. He has several, all of which he makes it his life mission to tell Jungwon any chance he gets.

"You're being overdramatic," He says, staring at Jungwon with a blank look on his face. His eye twitches slightly. "Call him, tell him you miss him. Get it out of your system so we can have a good night."

Jungwon's hand makes an aborted movement towards his phone. "It's a Thursday night." Last Thursday Sunoo went out with his friends from the dorms and Jungwon had to shut his phone all the way off to stop himself from interrupting his night.

"So?" Riki asks, eyebrow quirked.

"He won't answer."

"Sunoo always answers you." Riki grabs the phone for him, gently placing it in Jungwon's outstretched hand. "Call him."

✩

Coming to terms with things has always been something Jungwon was best at. He compartmentalizes. Nothing is too much for Jungwon, ever. When his sister complains and complains he stays silent, accepting, calm.

Jungwon is decidedly not calm about Sunoo. Even before he left, Jungwon was never calm about Sunoo. Everyone always assumes Jungwon was the one followed around by Sunoo, but it's the other way around. Jungwon could never get enough of Sunoo, he needed him to live through most days, after long, hard school days the only thing that would get him smiling again was Sunoo. It's hard not to be happy in Sunoo's presence.

It's difficult to realize your metaphorical ambrosia is your best friend. Jungwon doesn't figure it out until Sunoo's gone, but once he is it becomes so clear it makes him feel like a fool.

"Why do you think Sunoo has so much control over me?" Jungwon asks Riki during lunch one day. He's picking at his food, letting the noise of the other tables preoccupy his mind, allowing him to work through the things that are too embarrassing to think about in total silence.

Riki takes a thoughtful sip of his milk carton. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

"I asked the question, didn't I?" Jungwon replies. He checks the clock behind Riki's head, mostly because looking him in the eye right now is difficult. They have ten minutes left until class.

"Asking isn't the same as wanting to know the answer," Riki says. He squashes the carton in his hand. "I don't think you'd like my answer, anyways."

Jungwon startles. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means what I said," Riki says, gathering his things on his tray. "Hey, I'm gonna head back early. I want to see if Bell left the answer sheet out on her desk."

"You're going to get in trouble," Jungwon responds out of habit.

He watches as Riki stands, tray in his hands, and nods to him.

"Hey," he says to Riki's back. "Does it matter if I like the answer if knowing is more important?"

Riki doesn't turn around, but he does speak. "Maybe, but not yet."

He leaves then, walking off, sacrificing Jungwon to his own thoughts, sat at the dingy table in the same dingy seat he's always sat in. Jungwon is a fan of routine, of having things he does every day at specific times, like sitting at the same lunch table or washing his face before he goes to sleep. They calm him in a way only rivaled by Sunoo's presence.

Sunoo sat to his left, from Jungwon's freshman year, to his very last day of his own senior year.

Jungwon looks at the seat out of the corner of his eye, not trusting himself to fully turn towards it. It's almost worrying how easily he can conjure up the image of Sunoo—his Sunoo, not the one he's seeing through all these social media posts, so far from Jungwon his influence should be fading away, but instead it grabs Jungwon by the throat with one hand, and by the heart with the other.

He sighs and leans back in his seat, far enough he can hold his phone up under the table and see it while still obscuring it from the view of the teacher's mingling around the disposal area. Sunoo's photo on his lockscreen, one Jungwon took early in the summer, before the threat of Sunoo leaving had fully sunk in, smiles up at him. His eyes are squinted against the sun, a hand on its way to cover his face, but still he smiles; smiles because he knows Jungwon is taking it.

It's almost too easy, pulling up his text conversation with Sunoo, fingers moving faster than his brain. Jungwon thinks of what to say, what he can say, because what he wants to is too much for eleven in the morning; too much for any time of day, really. He's doesn't know what he'd say anyways, his thoughts too jumbled in his head.

The message is sent before Jungwon can put too much thought into it, some half-baked thought about not wanting to write his English paper tonight. Sunoo responds with a heart-eyed cat emoji and a we can work on hw together :P are you free around six your time?

Jungwon swallows thickly before responding with a thumbs up.

✩

Sunoo's hair is a toned platinum blonde by the time the end of his first month at college rolls around. He FaceTimes Jungwon to show it off, eyes wide as he recounts the several (Four! Sunoo said, laughing through the word. I thought my hair was gonna burn off and then I'd be bald forever. A pout. God, did Jungwon miss him) rounds of bleach it took. He sat in front of his dorm room window, the sunlight perfectly hitting his face, and messed with his hair the entire call.

"I think I'm gonna stay blonde," He said, eyes unfocused as his hand bounced around the top of his head. "You know, the sayings and what not."

"No," Jungwon drawled sarcastically. "I don't think I do."

Sunoo gasped in faux shock. "Don't be like that." He pouted then, eyes focusing back on Jungwon's face on his phone screen. "You know, you always know."

The amount of things Jungwon wanted to say in response were staggering. I miss you, or maybe a narcissistic Of course I do, I'm smarter than you. Others, but those the most.

He ended up on neither, instead laughing and saying, "Yeah, yeah. How's school? You've spent so much time talking about your hair, I don't know anything."

Sunoo's eyes lit up. "Oh, it's so good. I've made so many friends."

Jungwon didn't listen to a thing he said after that, and wanted to kick himself for it too, but he couldn't bring himself to listen to Sunoo talk about how good his life is without him. Which, again, rationally Jungwon knows he's being overdramatic with that, but he can't help what he feels; and he feels so much for Sunoo, daily life without him feels almost like deep water diving with no oxygen tank: out of depth, destined to drown.

✩

The first time Jungwon ever got in trouble, at the ripe age of eight, which is really just the first time he got in trouble that he remembered, because even the most well-behaved child has their moments, he sat himself down in the corner after his mother told him to as his punishment, and counted all the way down from 300. By the time he reached 278, he had already regretted what he did. Once he reached 195, he made a promise to himself, a resolution of sorts, to never get in trouble again.

Now, again, even the most well-behaved child has their moments, and Jungwon certainly did, but getting in trouble becomes more subjective as you grow up. He surmises 'getting in trouble' to be synonymous with 'punished', because it's not the getting yelled at he hated so much as being stuck in one place for too long. His punishments, as few and far between as they were, always followed the motif of immobility.

Stuck is an awful feeling, one that usually causes Jungwon's chest to grow tight, his lungs caught in the grip of anxiety, making him unable to breathe. Stuck is not something Jungwon likes to experience.

Stuck is how he feels when he flips over the final page of his Human Biology midterm. Halfway through the test he had struggled with a question, and in an attempt to remember the answer, he thought back to when Sunoo was studying for it last year.

Studying with Sunoo was always a game of give and take. If it was a subject he enjoyed, Jungwon would have to beg him to take breaks, but if it were one he didn't, getting Sunoo to sit down and stop bothering him took far too much effort than it was worth.

Jungwon supposes he was to blame for a few of Sunoo's less than ideal grades. Once it became clear Sunoo was never going to study, he always, no matter what, took the opportunity to bring the attention on himself, however selfish it was.

For the Human Bio exam, the one Jungwon's currently taking in the present, and thinking about Sunoo taking in the past, the one where they had to memorize all the bones in the human body, Sunoo had dropped his textbook right on top of Jungwon's own, demanding his attention with all the bravado Sunoo contained at any point in time.

"I need your help," Sunoo said, giddy with excitement. He'd sat down then, cross legged into front of Jungwon. A bit too close, really, like Jungwon would ever tell him that.

Jungwon remembers sighing, pushing Sunoo's textbook off, revealing the APUSH information he himself was supposed to be studying. "I'm busy."

If Jungwon were a weaker boy, one that didn't get caught up by the cuteness of his best friend, that would've been the end of it. However, with all of Jungwon's own rules and logic he follows, Sunoo has always been the one thing to break through them.

"It'll only take a little bit," Sunoo replied, reaching out slowly as if not to spook a frightened animal. "C'mon, you'll learn something too."

Jungwon relented like he always did, letting Sunoo clutch his right hand in his own, spreading his fingers out.

"What are you doing?" Jungwon asked, homework forgotten; the only thing on his mind Sunoo.

Sunoo's fingertips brushed Jungwon's skin as he said, "Distal, middle, proximal, metacarpal."

The contact, however small it was, had Jungwon's heart in his throat.

"Scaphoid, trapezium, lunate," Sunoo trailed off, looking up to make eye contact with him.

Jungwon cleared his throat. "How is this helping?"

"Because it's you," Sunoo said simply. "I'll always remember it, if it's you."

Sunoo got a 98 on the test, throwing his arms around Jungwon's shoulders when he told him.

The chair scrapes against the floor as he stands, but Jungwon pays no mind to it. He's shaking, Jungwon realizes as he awkwardly walks to the front desk, throwing his backpack over his shoulder, aborted movements showing he's trying not to walk too fast. "Can I go to the bathroom?"

His teacher waves him off, and Jungwon almost drops his test on the ground in his haste to leave. He sets it straight, and then darts out the door.

The specific bathroom Jungwon lands in is the same one Sunoo cried in two weeks before his graduation, eyes puffy and red, tears tracking down his cheek. Jungwon had reached a hand out and wiped them away, smiling softly when Sunoo whined, attempting to push him away with the arm that wasn't wrapped around his own stomach. Jungwon hadn't let him; Sunoo may be older, but it will always be Jungwon's job to take care of him.

Now it's just Jungwon alone, shoving his hands into the opposite sleeves of his hoodie, curled up with his knees to his chest. He doesn't make any noise, never really does when he cries, unable to allow himself to be a burden, even to himself—just shoves his face into the tops of his knees and chokes on his own tears.

It's obvious to him now, the root cause of all his problems and dreams; one in the same in a way Jungwon will never be able to separate even if he wanted to.

The urge to call Sunoo is overwhelming, bone deep want weighing down Jungwon's limbs, his movements syrupy as he attempts to wipe away his tears. He gets a hand on his phone, watching as the screen lights up. There's a text from Riki, something inconsequential that would usually help Jungwon ignore his own feelings for a little bit, but right now it does little but give Jungwon something he has to do after this—whatever this is.

Jungwon shoves his phone back into his bag, swallowing roughly. His hand closes around something without much thought from his brain. He pulls out a sharpie, bright red, and writes Sunoo's initials on the stall door.

When he shuts his eyes, he half expects it to be gone when they open again, but it isn't. He sits there, holding his breath, staring at the red letters so long his vision begins to blur. His hands are shaking, so much so he accidentally marks his jeans with the marker, but he pays no mind to it for now. Eventually, maybe tonight, or sometime tomorrow, or maybe when he finally gets out of this shitty high school, it'll serve as a reminder of what he's done—what he feels; for now, it's just a red dot on a pair of faded light wash jeans. Nothing more, nothing less.

It hurts when he throws his head back against the stall door, but Jungwon welcomes the pain. He breathes out, previously unaware he was holding it in, and moves to put the cap back on the marker. He doesn't quite make it, something deep in the back of his mind pausing his movements. Almost like in a trance, he raises it again.

Jungwon adds three more letters before shoving the marker back in his bag. He rises on his feet to exit the stall and pointedly ignores the KSN + YJW he had just written.

✩

Riki holds out for about ten minutes before he blurts out: "Sunoo doesn't answer my texts anymore."

Jungwon glances over at him out of the corner of his eye. When he sees the blank look on Riki's face he pushes a hand forward to press pause on the episode they're watching. "What do you mean?"

"What do you mean 'What do you mean?'," Riki scoffs. "It's pretty self-explanatory."

It's times like these that Jungwon remembers just how young Riki is. He's shoved himself into the corner, limbs a little bit longer than usually, that he's just now starting to attempt to get used to, bent awkwardly in his attempt to make himself smaller. Jungwon has a queen sized bed, stolen straight out of his older sister's room the second she moved out, replacing it with his former twin she complains about when she visits home from college. It's needless, the urge to make himself smaller; probably born out of his struggle to come to terms with the fact that he's not who he used to be, at least physically.

His face breaks easily enough, only requiring a quirked eyebrow from Jungwon.

Riki's lips settle in a pout he stole from Sunoo. "It's just, I mean, look." He shoves his phone into Jungwon's face.

He grabs it from Riki's grip, focusing instead on the way Riki's fingers slip away. When he turns his eyes to the phone, he scrolls through weeks worth of texts.

Jungwon hums.

"You get it?" Riki asks, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. If Sunoo were here he'd bat at his face, some complaint about Riki making his lips bleed falling from his own. Jungwon doesn't care enough to do it instead.

He starts from the beginning, over the summer, right before Sunoo left. His replies are in usual Sunoo nature; on the longer side, filled with emojis and exclamation points. Jungwon reads through some of them, pushing down the thoughts of how he's invading both Riki and Sunoo's privacy by doing so, but it's been so long since he's seen Sunoo be so—Sunoo.

The problem becomes clear as Jungwon scrolls further down. Around the time the semester started Sunoo's replies start getting shorter, with less enthusiasm, until Jungwon gets to the most recent texts, all from Riki, with no reply from Sunoo, save for the occasionally thumbs up.

"Oh," Jungwon says for the lack of a response. He locks Riki's phone. "That's—yeah."

"Did he say anything to you?" Riki asks, voice soft and breaking on his last word.

Jungwon looks up to see him avoiding his eyes. "Riki," he says, startling forward to place his free hand on Riki's shoulder. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I just thought maybe he grew up," Riki wipes a tear that falls down his cheek, "and that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore." He breaks off with a laugh. "I'm just a kid, you know."

"He's just busy," Jungwon attempts to placate him, but they both know he's grasping at straws. His own texts with Sunoo are similar levels of sparse, but admitting that means admitting Sunoo has moved on from them, and doing that would be the final nail in Jungwon's coffin.

Riki nods, slowly. "Yeah. Busy." He picks his phone up from where Jungwon dropped it onto the bed and folds himself back into his earlier position. "Can we finish our show?"

Jungwon surveys him, takes it all in. For all that Riki has made fun of Jungwon for being irrationally sad over Sunoo leaving, he feels it too. Jungwon knows he does. He can tell by the way Riki's eyes are still wet with unshed tears, ones he'll press on his eyes to make go away the second Jungwon turns away; he can tell that the attempts to distract Jungwon aren't just that: they're attempts to distract himself, too.

"Okay," Jungwon concedes, slowly laying back down next to Riki.

He reaches a hand out to press play again.

✩

Jungwon isn’t really sure how to explain it, but when he opens up his Instagram app the night before the final day of school before Thanksgiving break and sees Sunoo’s freshly dyed pink hair, he knows it’s the beginning of the end. He fidgets anxiously through all of his classes, barely paying attention to anything, not retaining single shred of information. All he can think about is Sunoo on a loop.

The second he gets home his phone rings and Jungwon tracks the path his heart makes on its way down to his stomach.

"So," is how Sunoo starts the phone call, the sound of paper's rustling in the background, "I'm not coming home for Thanksgiving break."

The noise continues, like Sunoo isn't even giving Jungwon his full attention, like he's completely unaware of how he's ruining Jungwon's life.

"What?" Jungwon asks. His heart settles deep in his stomach, making him feel like he's going to vomit.

Sunoo has the decency to at least sound sorry, though he doesn't outright apologize. "Jiheon invited everyone to her parents' cabin, and it would've been really awkward if I was the only one that said no."

"Oh," Jungwon replies. His eyes start to burn. "That's—I mean, it sounds cool." Sunoo sighs, the sound coming out robotic. "I hope you have fun," he adds on, bringing a hand up to press his palm over his right eye.

When he pulls it away it comes back wet.

"Good," Sunoo breathes out. "I wanted to tell you sooner, but I didn't really know how to."

Jungwon cringes. "It's pretty simple. Why wouldn't you have known how to?"

There's a beat where Sunoo goes silent; even the background noise stops. "Well, I mean," he starts, struggling over a few syllables before landing on, "it's just—you know."

"Yeah," Jungwon says, voice monotone. He doesn't, but he also doesn't have the energy to force Sunoo to explain. "I guess I do."

"Look—" Sunoo cuts himself off, groaning. "I have like, four assignments due tonight that I need to finish and then I have to pack, so I have to go, but I'll call you later, or tomorrow, more likely. But I will."

Jungwon clears his throat, hastily wiping at his eyes. "Yeah, okay. Talk to you later."

Sunoo says a quick goodbye before hanging up the phone. Jungwon stares at his phone screen until it becomes burned into his eyes.

✩

A list, of some sorts:

• Sunoo and Jungwon are eight months apart.
• They met when Jungwon moved to Sunoo's town in the third grade.
• One time in fifth grade Jungwon pranked Sunoo by telling him he didn't want to be his friend anymore. Sunoo cried the entirety of morning recess and Jungwon immediately felt guilty. He spent all of lunch recess ripping up dandelions to give him as an apology.
• Sunoo smiled brighter than Jungwon had ever seen when he presented the dandelions to him.
• The new distance between them has settled in the back of Jungwon's throat making him feel like he can't breathe.
• Sunoo came out to Jungwon five years ago.

The last one, that's the important one.

✩

For the record, Sunoo was always the smarter one between them.

Not so much grade wise, they were leveled out on that front. More so in the sense of life skills.

Sunoo figured out he liked boys at the ripe age of thirteen.

"I probably knew before now, though," he said when he told Jungwon. The first person he told. That meant something. "I just didn't wanna think about it, is all."

He'd been small then, much smaller than Jungwon, and he found joy in that, even though he eventually caught up to him. His shoulders were hunched like he had the weight of the world leering over him.

It was sometime in the summer, a few weeks before that school year started, and Jungwon only kind of knew what liking boys meant, in a broader sense. He knew it wasn't something a lot of people agreed with, and from watching Sunoo sink further and further into himself as it took longer and longer for Jungwon to respond, he got the feeling that Sunoo expected him to react similarly.

Jungwon reached over to grab Sunoo's hand, wrenching it from where he had his hands clasped together, like in prayer. "Hey."

"Yeah?" Sunoo responded, voice hoarse. His eyes swam with unshed tears.

Jungwon reached a hand up to brush Sunoo's bangs from his eyes. His hair was getting a bit too long, for Sunoo's taste anyways. Jungwon liked Sunoo no matter what his hair looked like.

"It's us against the world." Jungwon squeezed Sunoo's hand as he spoke. "It's always gonna be just us."

Sunoo nodded in response, dazed. "Just us," he parroted, pressing his lips together in the way he always did when he was trying to hold himself together.

It was then that Sunoo let his tears fall. "Hey," Jungwon said, dragging the syllable out as he pulled Sunoo into him. He clutched Sunoo to his chest, not caring about the wetness that was seeping into his shirt due to the tears. "It's alright. It's gonna be okay," Jungwon murmured, petting his hair.

"You promise?" Sunoo asked, pulling back to look Jungwon in the eye.

Jungwon held out his pinky. "Of course."

✩

"Isn't life too monotonous to you?"

It's probably not what Riki was expecting to be greeted with, but he takes it in stride.

"Not…really," he replies slowly, setting his backpack down on the floor next to the door. Riki watches Jungwon carefully. "Are you alright?"

Twenty minutes ago Jungwon had a thought; a very bad thought; a thought he never wanted to think. It had taken him all of two minutes of having it to send Riki an SOS text, and he's spent the time it took him to get here pulling at his own hair.

"I need a change," Jungwon says decisively, pulling his hands away from his head. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and startles. His reflection looks crazy, hair stuck up in odd places, his eyes wide open.

"Nope," Jungwon says with a loud pop, and then starts muttering to himself.

Riki watches him pace from his spot on the bed. Ten minutes in, he gives up on giving Jungwon his full attention. Jungwon is grateful anyways; it's rare something keeps Riki's attention for that long. He's watching some random TikTok when Jungwon finally settles on a plan of action.

Jungwon's mind quiets as he finally realizes what he needs. "I need to dye my hair."

"Huh?" Riki asks, locking his phone. "Oh, for real?"

"I just—" Jungwon's panting, and not from the physical exertion. "I don't know why, but I need to."

"Okay," Riki says easily. He gets up from the bed, stretching. "Let's go."

Jungwon nods. "Okay. Good."

Riki's in the doorway, grabbing his wallet from the front pocket of his bag, when Jungwon falters. "Go where?"

"The store," Riki says slowly, "to buy you bleach and hair dye."

"Okay." Jungwon nods, and then, "What color?"

Riki shrugs, tapping the door frame. "Up to you."

Jungwon stands in the middle of the room, feet rooted to his spot. He's probably burned foot prints into the carpet tonight. He only has half a mind to worry about that before Riki's snapping his fingers in his face.

"Hey," Riki says, socking him on the shoulder. "Decide in the car."

Jungwon's apparently bad tonight. He lets Riki drive. Riki whoops when Jungwon hands him the keys with shaky hands. By the time they pull into the parking lot Jungwon's mostly calmed down; his heart isn't beating as rapidly as it was when Riki walked into his room. He takes a deep breath before pushing open the door, jumping slightly at the bell it triggers.

Riki pushes past him but not before landing a comforting pat on his shoulder. Jungwon wanders towards an aisle like a zombie.

The sheer amount of choices clogs up Jungwon's throat, threatening to choke him. Riki's in the aisle over, grabbing bleach and whatever miscellaneous supplies they need. Jungwon's frozen in the middle of the walkway, eyes scanning over boxes and boxes of hair dye. There's a million different colors and Jungwon doesn't have a clue what to chose.

A choice like this would be easy with Sunoo. Honestly, he'd just let Sunoo himself choose. Sunoo knows best. Doesn't matter that it's Jungwon's metaphorical life in the balance. He'd trust Sunoo with it; he has trusted him with it.

The summer before Jungwon's junior year Sunoo had decided he wanted to go on a road trip. Fortunately for all other drivers out there, his mom said no, but it did nothing to squash Sunoo's need to drive. They drove everywhere; starting with towns only a ten minute drive away, getting farther and farther away until one day they made it an hour away. Sunoo was on top of the world. Jungwon couldn't stop himself from staring at the smile on his face that grew bigger and bigger as the mile markers they passed got larger and larger. 152 to 167 to 189. They had just passed mile marker 193 when Sunoo's front right tire blew out. Jungwon panicked, because it was his job to panic, while Sunoo just laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed through the phone call with his dad, covering the mic on his phone as he buried his head in Jungwon's shoulder, his dad's yelling loud enough for Jungwon to hear, despite him not being on speaker.

"Oh, Jungwon," Sunoo said after ending the call with his dad, sending his location to his family group chat. "We're in for it now."

"What does that even mean?" Jungwon asked, texting his own dad to tell him he might not make it home in time for his curfew.

Sunoo reached over to grab Jungwon's free hand. "No clue."

It took Sunoo's dad a little over an hour to reach them. In the meantime, they had watched the sunset together. Sunoo opened the trunk and they sat in the back watching the cars pass them, cursing out the ones that didn't switch lanes to give them more room.

"Assholes," Sunoo said a half hour into their game, knocking his knees against Jungwon's.

Jungwon reached out to steady him, leaving his hand on Sunoo's knees once he stilled. He nodded, not having anything else to add.

Sunoo bit his lip. "Do you want to leave?"

"I mean—we can't," Jungwon replied, turning towards Sunoo.

"No that's not—no. Town, state," Sunoo said, avoiding Jungwon's eyes. "The country."

It was a loaded question to ask a sixteen year old. Jungwon didn't blame him for asking; never really blamed him for anything, ever.

"I don't know." Jungwon squeezed Sunoo's knee, still under his palm. Sunoo shivered. It was getting darker, the sun almost fully gone. "I haven't thought much about it."

"I have," Sunoo whispered, still not looking at Jungwon."

"Hey," Jungwon replied, pulling his hand away to push up Sunoo's chin. "Why are you acting so weird? It's not like you're leaving me tonight."

The sound of the cars speeding past them was something Jungwon never fully got out of his head. They mixed with the sounds of the bugs in the grass below them; the fireflies in the trees beside them blinking on and off periodically; the headlights of the cars just on the wrong side of too bright, but they were never brighter than Sunoo.

Jungwon never really realized just how much he looked at Sunoo, not until that night, not until looking at Sunoo started to hurt, because even if it did Jungwon could never bring himself to look away.

Maybe that was the beginning of the end. Looking back, it definitely feels like it. Maybe Jungwon should have been able to put a word on what he's been feeling these past few months awhile ago.

Maybe it took Sunoo leaving to make him fight himself tooth and nail in order to do so. The bone deep longing that replaced everything having Sunoo around made him feel. It's just a bit too much, Jungwon thinks.

"But I will eventually," Sunoo of his memory says, eyes twinkling with the reflection of headlights rushing past them. "I'll leave, and you'll stay, and maybe we'll never be the same because of it."

"You're not getting rid of me that easily," Jungwon admonished him, eyes narrowed. He dug an accusing finger into his side. "I'd rather die before I stopped talking to you."

Sunoo's eyes shone with unshed tears. He laughed. "Yeah," he replied, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. "I guess you're right."

When Sunoo's dad got to them they were arguing over something inconsequential, so much so Jungwon doesn't remember what it was. He shook his head at them before telling Sunoo to come help him change the tire.

Standing next to Sunoo, bent down, complaining as his dad told him what to do, made Jungwon feel a warmth inside himself a midsummer night would never again be able to reproduce.

Riki finds him giggling to himself in front of a box of red hair dye. "Okay," he says slowly, reaching in front of Jungwon to grab it. "This one?"

Jungwon nods, still laughing, but a little bit closer to the answer to his question from all those weeks ago, the one Riki refuses to answer.

Jungwon remembers being ten and seeing Sunoo shirtless for the first time. It comes to the forefront of his mind as he peels his own shirt off, heeding the warnings coming from Riki about how much red hair dye stains. He averted his eyes everytime Sunoo's shirt so much as rode up even a little bit, showing the tiniest sliver of his stomach, but that day he didn't. He doesn't really remember why, just that he did.

That might mean something.

He zones out as Riki starts to cover his hairline in vaseline, mumbling something about staining his skin that Jungwon doesn't really catch over the sounds of the cars in his memory passing by. Really, he doesn't come back to the present until Riki's almost done applying the dye to his hair, humming to himself, some random Shinee song Jungwon isn't able to place, but he knows Riki well enough to know that it is one.

Jungwon scrolls through Sunoo's Instagram as it processes, taking in just how much he's changed over the semester. When he makes it to the final post before Sunoo left, he takes in a shuddering breath and locks his phone. All the thoughts he's had swirl around his brain, begging to be touched, to be figured out, to be heard, but Jungwon doesn't give in.

Instead, he settles down on the floor next to Riki, cross-legged, and sighs.

"My scalp burns," he says lightly, watching in abrupt fascination as Riki fights off a creeper.

Riki hums. "That'd be the bleach."

"We bleached my hair hours ago."

"Your sense of time is abysmal."

Jungwon snorts. "That's a big word for you."

"Fuck you." Riki scowls. "I'm a big boy."

Jungwon cackles. It bubbles out of his throat before he can think about it too long, and before he knows it he's hunched over clutching his stomach. Riki joins in after a moment, and it's nice to just sit there and be a kid with no worries, if only for a little bit.

It's a bit embarrassing, but Jungwon starts crying the second the ice cold water hits his head.

"Oh," Riki says urgently, pulling the shower head away. "Are you okay?"

Jungwon chokes out a laugh. "Yeah, yeah. Just—keep going. I'm fine."

Riki scrubs the dye from his head meticulously, but with a gentleness that causes Jungwon to choke up again. He hisses softly under his breath, a warning, but continues when Jungwon reaches a hand back to hit him on the chest. It's not his best idea, but Jungwon struggles against the urge to shut his eyes. He watches the red stained water drip down the drain, mesmerized by it.

He wonders, absently, if all the times Sunoo's dyed his hair went like this; if he, too, sat bent over while someone else washed his hair. There's a chance—a small one—that he did it himself, but that's not really that realistic, is it? Sunoo made friends the second he step foot on campus; there's no way he wouldn't be able to find one person to help him dye his hair.

But then again, maybe he wouldn't want the help. He gets like that sometimes, gets so stuck on something he won't accept any help, not from Jungwon or anyone. There's been times when he's had to intervene, to grab Sunoo by the face and beg him to just take a moment to breathe.

Despite Jungwon's bitterness towards Sunoo's new friends, he hopes they helped him, if only because Sunoo deserves to know the people around him care for him.

Jungwon towel dries his hair roughly when Riki's done, letting the sound of it act as a calming noise. He can only vaguely hear Riki. It's obvious he's saying something but the sound is muffled to the point where Jungwon just hears mangled syllables.

"What?" he asks, pulling the towel away from his head. He squints at Riki, whose too busy laughing in front of the tub to look at him.

"We stained it," Riki says, pointing towards the bottom of the tub, and sure enough, when Jungwon peaks over the side he sees it's been dyed a vaguely pinkish color.

Jungwon frowns. "My mom's gonna kill me."

"Magic eraser," Riki replies, shrugging. "It'll clean up anything."

Jungwon hums a response, taking one last look at the tub before turning around to face himself in the mirror. His hair is a deep red, something Sunoo would label wine colored, and he doesn't hate it. It's new, that's for sure, but it suits him, he thinks. Sunoo would be able to tell him all about undertones and shades and whatnot, but now, in his bathroom with Riki at his side, Jungwon just thinks it looks red.

"I wish Sunoo were here," Jungwon breathes out. His chest burns with the admission, guilt coursing through his veins until it's all he is. "He should be here."

"You should call him," Riki replies softly.

Jungwon shakes his head. The text he sent four hours ago is still on delivered. He sniffles before reaching for his shirt. Riki's staring at him when his head pops out from the collar, eyes searching for something. He must not find it, because he shakes his head minisculely before walking past him out of the bathroom.

Later that night, Jungwon posts on Instagram. Three selfies, taken in his bed, with his new hair color. He spends two hours obsessively refreshing his notifications waiting for Sunoo to like the post before he gives up.

The next morning, his mom walks into his room and questions him on the brand new dent in his wall. He doesn't have the heart to show her his broken phone screen.

"Well," she says, the airiness of her voice healing whatever wound Jungwon received last night, "I like the hair."

He thanks her, shyly pulling the covers up around him to cover his face, and deletes the post before he can think twice about it.

✩

Sunoo comes home for winter break, but Jungwon doesn't see him until New Year's Eve. He gets invited to a party by Riki that's being thrown by some girl in his art class.

"Eunchae," Riki stressed when they walked in the front door. "You have to be respectful to the host."

As far as parties go, it's not bad, but he doesn't really feel in the party mood.

Jungwon panics when he sees Sunoo across the living room, chatting to a girl he's never seen before. "Hey," he asks the girl standing next to him, who he'll find out tomorrow is Eunchae herself. "Who's that?"

He tries to point as inconspicuously as possible. Judging from the way Eunchae looks at him, he does an awful job.

"That's Sakura," she says, loud enough for him to hear over the music and talking. "She's a counselor at the dance camp I go to in the summer."

"Why is she at a New Year's party thrown by a high schooler?" Jungwon asks.

Eunchae shrugs. "Guess she knows some of my friends."

She leaves it at that, and just leaves period, grabbing her cup off the counter top and makes her way towards Sunoo and Sakura. Sunoo turns to her with a smile on his face and Jungwon is suddenly overcome with the urge to vomit. He dumps his cup into the houseplant in the corner and stumbles his way towards the back door.

Sunoo finds him sat on the back porch, shivering in only the hoodie Riki left in his room the other day.

"Hey," he says, slowly sliding the door shut behind him. "I've been looking for you."

Jungwon mumbles out a response, half because he doesn't want to say anything at all to him, half because he's too cold to really have control over his body.

"I like the hair," he says, and it pierces through Jungwon's chest like an arrow.

"Why don't you talk to me anymore?" Jungwon blurts out, leaning forward to wrap his arms around his knees.

Sunoo startles. Jungwon watches as his eyes flit back to the door, to the party going on inside without them. He half expects him to abandon ship and slip back through the door, leaving Jungwon with all his misery, and without a best friend.

"I just thought, you know," Sunoo starts. He reaches a hand up to scratch at the back of his head, eyes unfocused but aimed towards Jungwon.

Jungwon doesn't. "Thought what?"

"That you needed space," he breathes out.

It sits in the air for a moment, mostly because the words shock Jungwon.

"Why would I need space?" he asks, shifting back so he can look at Sunoo, really look at him.

This is the first time he's seen him since the summer, since Jungwon helped him pack up his car, since Jungwon watched him leave with a lump in his throat. He thinks back to the moment he realized it was real, that Sunoo wouldn't be coming back anytime soon, and when he did he would be different, wrong, almost.

He remembers what Riki said. The words swim in his brain, a harsh echo of "What can happen in one year?" on loop.

It hasn't even been a full year, but if this much could change in five months, Jungwon isn't sure he wants to make it to the end of the school year.

Sunoo struggles to find an answer, mouth shaping around syllables he never says. He closes his eyes and sighs, sliding down to sit next to Jungwon.

Jungwon pointedly scooches over to leave a gap between them.

"I can't be the one to say it," Sunoo says eventually, voice small. He's staring out ahead of him. "You have to figure it out yourself."

Jungwon laughs humorlessly, shaking his head. "What the hell are you even talking about?"

Sunoo doesn't answer. Maybe he doesn't have one; maybe he's just been talking out of his ass, finding any and every excuse for his behavior, because he doesn't actually have a reason.

But that's not like Sunoo at all.

Jungwon breaks the silence with a deep inhale.

"I realized it a few weeks ago—my problem."

Sunoo doesn't know there was a problem to begin with, and he probably doesn't deserve to know about it, but Jungwon has to tell him; not telling him is half of what got them here today. Jungwon not telling Sunoo everything about his life is the reason for all the confusion he's been dealing with, he knows it. That has to be the reason, because if it isn't, then everything Jungwon knows is wrong, and if that's true then he'll go crazy trying to make sense of it all.

If Sunoo knew, if Jungwon could've just told him months ago, then they wouldn't be here, on some random girls' deck, pretending like they don't know each other better than everyone else on this Earth.

"And what is that?"

Jungwon thinks back on it all, every small, minuscule detail, everything about him, about Sunoo, about them that brought them here to this moment, and he laughs. "I'm in love with you."

Sunoo's silent for a moment. It takes everything in Jungwon to not run away. He reaches a hand out and places it on Jungwon's knee. "Hey. Remember? When I was thirteen?"

"Us against the world," Jungwon whispers, fingers curling around Sunoo's.

"I've always known," Sunoo confesses, avoiding Jungwon's eyes. "But I didn't want to burden you with it."

Jungwon turns to him, brows knitted together. "You've never been a burden to me," he argues.

Sunoo laughs humorlessly, knocking his head down onto Jungwon's shoulder. "I know. Trust me, I know."

"Then why?" Jungwon asks, voice teetering on whiny. "Why not tell me before you left? Why not save me from the worst semester possible?"

"You needed to figure it out yourself." Sunoo shakes his head. "If I rushed you, then it wouldn't have been good."

"So you just—you knew," Jungwon marvels. "This whole time, you knew."

Sunoo shifts ever so slightly and presses a soft, wanting kiss to his collarbone. "Friends don't act the way we do."

It takes Jungwon all of two seconds to pull him up and kiss him properly.

✩

Another list, more concrete:

• Sunoo thought about kissing Jungwon for the first time when he was sixteen.
• Jungwon somehow managed to forget that it isn't a besties thing to crave Sunoo the way he does.
• After their eighth? eleventh? twentieth? kiss Sunoo laughs that beautiful laugh of his that Jungwon loves so much and says, "Oh you're freezing. Come on, let's get you inside."
• Jungwon crowds him up against Eunchae's kitchen island and kisses Sunoo until he hears a scream.
• Riki's clutching a hand to his heart when Jungwon pulls back to look at the source of the sound and says: "Holy shit. Finally."

✩

The next time Jungwon sees Sunoo and his carefully filled car off, it's three days before his spring semester starts, and with a kiss.

"I'll text you when I get to the dorms," Sunoo mumbles against his lips, eyes half shut.

Jungwon smiles before giving him another chaste kiss. "You better."