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He hasn’t been able to sleep properly ever since they got to Jackson over three months ago. It irritates him, he has a good bed, a warm house and a bit of peace and quiet, and still, he can’t get his body to relax.
His revolver doesn’t leave its spot under the pillow, and his brain still comes alive at the slightest of sounds. Tonight, the wind and heavy snow outside makes it impossible to even close his eyes. Tossing and turning doesn’t get him anywhere. He’s so desperate that he’s even made tea, even if it all went down the drain after one sip.
His mind tends to wander when he doesn’t have a real goal in mind. When they had to survive on the outside, his head was focused on one thing and one thing only, keeping Ellie alive. Now though, there’s no need for that, there’s no safer place than Jackson. What’s he supposed to do now?
The girl is sleeping upstairs in her room, and isn’t it crazy? Her room. There’s an Ellie room inside their home. It’s surreal, mind blowing and incredible all at once. Because, who would’ve thought all those months ago that the kid he had to deliver to the fucking Fireflies, the girl he couldn’t stand to be around, would end up living with him? Sharing a life with him?
Life takes some interesting turns, he would’ve never predicted these.
Sometimes, especially on nights like these, it dawns on him how much he actually cares about the girl. It scares him most days, how willing he is to give it all up for her. Every so often, he thinks back on what he did in the hospital. Saint Mary’s has become a recurrent nightmare for him, but he endures it, feeling as if it should be his own personal punishment for all he’s done.
Because if he’s being honest, he’s never hidden away the fact that he’s not a good person. He’s selfish, he’s a selfish old man who would do almost anything to keep those he loves close to him. He couldn’t do that with Sarah, not even with Tess, but he had a chance with Ellie, and he took it.
‘ Save who you can save ’, Tess’ voice resonated inside his brain almost every day. Back then, when he first heard it, it broke his heart. There was only one person he could save in that moment, and it wasn’t the one he wanted it to be. Still, as time went on, it became his motto, and more times than not, Ellie was that person he could save, even if it might cost him his own life.
He’s not proud of what he’s done, but he’s content. He saved Ellie, he fulfilled his purpose and that should be enough for him. It is enough for him. Having her around the house, being able to feel a sense of normalcy in a world that is anything but, is a gift that he sometimes feels he doesn’t deserve.
It’s a constant loop of grief, regret and acceptance. A loop his brain does almost every night, and he’s had to understand when to stop it. Walking away from the window, where he’s been watching the snow falling on the outside, he starts walking up the stairs to his room. As he drags his feet down the hall, he hears a few soft whimpers that make him stop dead in his tracks.
The noises come straight from Ellie’s room, who left the door slightly ajar. His brain is on high alert, but something stops him from bursting right into the room. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s tired or that a part of him knows nothing bad could actually happen.
He could walk by and let her be, but he can’t . Pushing the door open slowly, he peeks his head inside. The girl is lying on her bed, sheets all over the floor, mumbling and moving around. Nightmare . And isn’t that something he’s more than used to?
His socked feet walk slowly towards her, stopping right next to her bed. What should he do? Should he wake her up? Should he just walk away? After more than twenty years, his head has seemed to forget everything he learned after having a daughter for fifteen years.
Against his better judgement, he sits down on the side of the bed, his hand finding Ellie’s shoulder, trying to get her to stop thrashing around.
“Ellie, kiddo.” He can see her eyes moving quickly under her eyelids as her brow furrows. “ Ellie .” He feels a punch on his side as her eyes shoot wide open. Thankfully, she didn’t hit him too hard. “ Ouch . Jesus.” He rubs his aching side as she tries to catch her breath. “You okay?” She keeps staring at him wide-eyed, and not knowing what else to do, he takes a quick decision. “Okay, scooch.” She doesn’t move, he sighs. “Ellie, scooch .” This time she moves a bit to the side, leaving some space for him. Taking the covers from the floor, he places them on top of her before laying down on her side. “ Christ , we need to get you a bigger bed.” Trying to find a comfortable spot on a small bed seems to be almost impossible. “A more comfortable one too. How do you sleep on this?” The girl doesn’t even look at him, laying on her side in what could be described as a foetal position. Laying on his back, he looks straight up to the ceiling, feeling it might be easier to talk that way. “You feeling okay?”
“ Mm-hmm .” That’s all he gets out of her, he should’ve imagined.
“You know, I have them too.” At that small comment, her eyes lock on him. “Nightmares, I mean. Constantly.” Where is he going with this? He should’ve planned ahead. “It’s okay to have them, that’s what I’m trying to say.” He definitely should’ve planned ahead.
“I know.” Her voice is soft, muffled by the sleeve of her hoodie. How she sleeps in that thing, he has no idea.
“Well, then you would also know that it helps to talk about it.” He does turn his head then, and their eyes meet. “And before you say anything, I know I don’t actually do it. But kiddo, do as I say, not as I do.” He can hear a scoff coming out of her mouth, but he doesn’t comment on it. “But I guess I should preach by example.” He doesn’t know what pushes him to do it, he doesn’t feel ready to do it. But deep down, he knows he owes it to her. Glueing his eyes right back to the ceiling, he takes a deep breath. “Nightmares are a recurring thing for anyone who’s been through the things we’ve been through, but for me, there’s not only that. There’s uh- these flashes .” Scratching his beard, he tries to think of how to explain it properly. “There are certain things that might be triggering. For some people it can be sounds or smells. For me it’s lights, especially when they are pointed right at my face.” He takes a deep breath as she listens intensely. “You uh- you actually saw one the very first day we-”
“The soldier.” There’s wonder in her voice, as if she’d just found a treasure she’d been looking for for a long time.
“Yeah.” It takes him a second to continue, but after a slight internal debate on whether he should keep going or not, he opens his mouth. “It takes me back to the worst moment of my life, and it just- I lose it.” His hand runs through his hair. “Nightmares though, they come in all shapes and sizes, no matter the weather, the place or the time. But that’s me . That’s my trauma.” Not feeling comfortable anymore, he decides to lay on his side, facing Ellie, who stares at him with her mouth slightly open, as if she couldn’t believe what she’s hearing. “For you it might be different. I know it’s different. There are some things that trigger your nightmares, and as time goes on, if you work on it, they won’t have an effect on you anymore.”
“That’s why you closed the blinds today.” His eyebrows shoot up. “You knew snow-” she takes a deep breath. “You knew it would get me like this, didn’t you?”
“I saw how unlike you you were today. How down . I took a guess.” No one dares to say anything for a while, just taking it all in.
“I keep seeing him .” Her eyes are closed as she speaks. “I feel him. His cold hands on my hips, holding me down, on my neck, trying to choke me.” For a moment he forgets how to breathe. “Sometimes nothing happens. He tries to-” she sucks in a breath before going on. “But you come in and save me. Other times. Yeah .” Instinctively his hand goes straight to her arm, squeezing lightly.
“But you know none of those things happened, right?” She stares at him, brow furrowed, not understanding. “He didn’t do anything to you. But I didn’t save you either. You saved yourself. Because you were strong enough to do it.” She takes a shaky breath in as he keeps going. “You need to understand that as much as he wanted to hurt you, you didn’t let him . You . Not me. You . And that’s a hell of a lot more than most people could say in that situation. Do you understand?” She nods her head slightly as she sniffs softly. “Now that ’s what you need to remember every time you even think about him. That you were the one who took that fucking bastard down. Just hone that in.” He has no idea if what he said made any sense at all, but it was the best he could do.
“That was the most weird speech I’ve ever gotten.” There’s a smile on her face as she speaks, but her eyes scream gratitude. “But thank you. That uh- that actually helped.” He can’t help the soft chuckle coming out of him.
“Well, I’ve never been good at it. But uh- I’m glad it helped, somehow.” He keeps his eyes locked on her as she plays with the strings of her hoodie. “Well then. I guess I can just-” he points at the door with his thumb. “Don’t want to bother you any longer.” As he starts to get up, her hand grabs at his arm.
“No, wait.” Her eyes don’t meet his face. “You don’t bother me. You uh- you can stay.” He raises an eyebrow.
“Well, I don’t know how comfortable this bed will be with two people in it.” He’s about to suggest going to his bed, but her pleading eyes stop him. Letting out a sigh, he lays back down. “Okay, fine. But if my back is sore tomorrow, you’ll replace me on my shift.”
“Yeah, you wish.” At her tone, he can’t help but flick her in the forehead. “ Hey! ”
“Scooch, I can’t sleep if I’m about to fall off the damn bed.” She tries to move but it’s not enough for him to actually fit. “Kiddo. This won’t work like this.”
“Well, what do you suggest?” Laying on his back and almost pushing her off the bed in the process, he makes her sit up. Extending his arm, he makes sure he will actually fit.
“Come on, lay down.” She looks at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Where? You are taking up the whole space.” She can be so clueless sometimes, it kills him. Patting his side, he sighs.
“Lay here. Your head goes here.” He points at his chest. “Now come on, I’m tired.” It takes her a moment, but she eventually listens to him. As her head touches his chest, a warmth he can’t describe takes over his heart.
“This is actually pretty comfortable.” Her arm wraps around his middle, and for a second he feels as if he’s about to cry, but he holds it in. He won’t cry over a damn cuddle. No matter how much it reminds him of Sarah. He won’t cry.
“Yeah, I’m told I’m a pretty damn good pillow.” She chuckles.
It takes him a minute, but he finally gets his brain to stop thinking everything through, enjoying a moment he never thought he’d be able to have ever again.
“Thank you, Joel.” Her voice is muffled as she speaks to his chest. “For everything.” His eyes sting, and as much as he tries not to, a few tears run wildly down his cheeks. His right arm wraps protectively around her shoulders, pulling her in.
“There’s nothing to thank me for, baby girl.” His brain doesn’t seem to catch up to his actions as he places a soft kiss on top of her head. “Nothing.”
It’s the first time he sleeps through the night, not minding the wind outside, the lights or the constant pounding at the door. Yeah, he is late to his shift and Ellie makes fun of him for it the whole day, but he wouldn’t change it for anything. For once, he’s proud of what he’s done.
Ellie’s happy. Isn’t that all that matters?