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“Oh my GOD, how long does it take two grown men to pee?” Iruka groans to himself, balancing precariously on a rickety stool at the bar as he waits for Kotetsu and Izumo to return from their bathroom break. He sets down his soda (he’d been saddled with the role of designated driver) and glances over at the restroom in annoyance. “They’d better not be making out in there-”
“Excuse me,” someone says from behind.
Iruka blinks, then turns and opens his mouth, readying his most ‘fuck off’ tone of voice for whoever dares disturb him.
‘Whoever’ turns out to be a stupidly hot guy with a shock of silver hair, stormy gray eyes, and the sexiest mole he’s ever seen perched on the corner of an even sexier mouth. Iruka instantly wants to bite it off.
“…Yessss?” he manages, the tone of voice coming out more of a ‘fuck me’ with a little hint of ‘please’.
“Sorry, can you help me out?” the guy asks, looking worried. “I dropped my phone and now I think it’s broken. Could you try calling to see if it works?”
“Oh. Yeah, sure.” Iruka takes out his phone. “What’s your number?” The man rattles it off and Iruka punches it in distractedly. It rings for a second, then picks up. “Hello?”
“I didn’t mention before, but I dropped my phone when I saw you.”
Iruka stares at the guy for a full ten seconds, phone to his ear, completely deadpan. The guy gives him a flirty little wink.
“…You did NOT…just set me up like that,” Iruka says slowly, lowering his phone, “for a shitty pick-up line.”
“That depends,” the guy replies. “Did it work?”
“Absolutely not.” Iruka refuses to be won over by a cheesy pick-up line. He has standards. Even if the guy is stupid hot. “Seriously, is that the best you’ve got?”
“Oh no, I’ve got plenty more where that came from.” The guy clears his throat. “I ought to complain to Spotify for you not being named this week’s hottest single.”
“I use Pandora,” Iruka shoots back. “Try again.”
“Are you a library book? Cuz I’m checking you out.”
“Good God, do you have them all memorized?” Iruka is equal parts impressed and horrified. “How many do you have?”
“Oh, hundreds,” the guy answers, then barrels on. “Are you a parking ticket? Cuz you got ‘fine’ written all over you.”
“Heard that one before,” Iruka says, taking a sip of his drink.
“I’d like to take you to the movies, but they don’t let you bring your own snack.”
Iruka snorts into his Pepsi. The guy grins and tries again.
“Are you a loan? Because you have my interest.”
“I have student loan debt. Triggered.”
“If you were a Transformer, you’d be “Optimus Fine”.”
“Hmm, docking points for the repeated usage of the word ‘fine’, get a thesaurus,” Iruka quips.
“Then it won’t make any sense,” the guy argues.
“They’re pick-up lines, they’re not supposed to make sense. They’re supposed to be dumb and silly and not work.” Except they kinda are but Iruka is damn well not going to admit it. “Come on, let’s hear another. Make it religious.”
“Okay, sure.” The man gives him a deep, soulful look. “I’d say ‘God bless’…you but it looks like he already did.”
Iruka laughs at that one.
“If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as hot as you, I’d still only have five cents.”
Iruka laughs harder.
“Are you a cell-phone plan? Cuz I’d like to discuss your full coverage options.”
Iruka almost falls off his stool.
“Enough!” he wheezes, catching himself on the bar. “Alright, you got me. Those were some good ones. I’m impressed.” He gives the guy a thorough once-over from head-to-toe. “What’s you name, Mr. Pick-up Artist?”
“Kakashi,” the guy replies, shooting finger guns, “but you can call me… darling.”
“Aaaand you lost it.” Iruka spins around on his stool.
“No shit wait-”
“I’m kidding.” Iruka turns back around with a scoff. “But seriously, if you ever do finger guns again, we’re over.”
Kakashi slowly holsters the guns, completely straight-faced. Iruka struggles not to laugh again.
“Can I buy you a drink?” Kakashi asks, leaning an elbow on the bar and giving Iruka a grin that sends a shiver down his spine.
“No, sorry,” he says with genuine regret, fighting back the heat in his cheeks. “I’m the designated driver tonight. I’m here with-”
“Oh my God, emergency,” Izumo suddenly stumbles over into the bar stools, almost knocking Iruka off his perch. “We were making out in the bathroom and then Kotetsu got sick and threw up in the toilet. And the sink. And the floor.” He pauses. “And me. And then I threw up a little. It’s a MESS in there. Anyway we gotta go-”
“…Why am I friends with you two,” Iruka whispers, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off his approaching headache.
“…Because then we can split the rent?” Izumo says after a beat. Iruka sighs.
“…Alright you got me there. Let’s go.” He gets to his feet, then hesitates, glancing uncertainly at Kakashi.
“It’s alright.” Kakashi nods in understanding. “Bros before hoes.”
“…You do understand that you’re the ho in this situation-”
“Before you go,” Kakashi cuts in, “do you have a name, or can I call you… mine?”
“Dude, marry this guy,” Izumo whispers in Iruka’s ear.
“Get OFF.” He shoves him away. “It’s Iruka,” he tells Kakashi, “and the only reason I’m letting you get away with the cheesy pick-up lines is because you’re cute.”
“Oh no, are you gonna hold me in contempt?” Kakashi coos eagerly.
“ENOUGH.” Iruka turns to Izumo, who’s nervously scanning the bar like a bouncer’s about to leap from the shadows. “Where’s Kotetsu?”
“I stashed him in the car. Hopefully he doesn’t puke in it. I think he was about empty.”
“He’d better be, or he’s crawling home.” Iruka gives Kakashi a final lingering look. “Well, you already have my number. Text me later, okay?” Kakashi moves to do finger guns again, freezes, then awkwardly turns it into double thumbs-up. Iruka snickers one last time, then follows Izumo out the door.
---
After he finally gets home and hauls his friends up the stairs and into their respective room, he checks his phone and is greeted with a text.
I seem to have lost my number. Thanks for letting me have yours.
Iruka rolls his eyes, but can’t resist a parting shot.
Let’s get coffee tomorrow. I like you a latte.
-End-