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Obi-wan is coming to see her.
Obi-wan is coming to see her.
Obi-wan is coming to see her.
He's…
He's here.
Satine hasn't seen him in such a long time, he looks so different from when they last saw each other, but also, not at all.
It had been night, she'd been scared, she'd been hurt. He'd been scared as well, she remembers that almost as clearly as she remembers her own pain. She still has the scar on her shoulder from the blaster bolt. It's ugly though with the years it's just become another part of her.
His face is paler than she remembers, he looks thin but not unhealthy. There is a gauntness to his face that shouldn't be there though. His hair is long, falling just past his shoulders. Copper and brunette, sometimes blond in the right light. She can still picture the orange glow of his strands against the rays of the fading sun.
"Duchess," he says and Satine has to pull herself out of the past and the superimposed mirage of it over him.
His face is alight with a smile, but he is ever proper, hands modestly held in front of him as he bows to her shallowly. He's the most beautiful thing she has ever seen and she's suddenly assaulted by the want of him thinking the same of her. She needs to compose herself, even the overwhelming relief for his safety is a distraction right now.
"I'm glad to see you in good health," he says earnestly, inspecting her respectfully. As if she'd been the one held captive for two years.
"Obi…wan Kenobi," she swallows, matching his formality, "I couldn't be happier to say the same about you. I have wished…"
Satine Kryze has never been so relieved in her life and she wants to… she wants to-
"Please, Padawan Kenobi, join me," she gestures forward so they can walk together. The young man offers her his arm to take.
"Leave us," she says without looking at her escort, "we'll be at the royal wing."
She can see her guard tense in her peripheral vision but she. Just. Doesn't. Care. Obi-wan's here, and he's okay, and he's touching her hand that rests in the crook of his elbow. They walk without saying much, feeling eyes on them like a suffocating pressure. His calloused fingers caress her own comfortingly, discreetly. She feels, once again, protected by his mere presence.
"Obi-wan," she says softly yet full of emotion under her breath, his beautiful blue gray eyes peek at her, his soft smile gracing his face.
"Satine," he replies in kind and it's an effort to make it seem like the way he said it didn't just take her breath away. She tightens her cold grip around his arm, she wants to…
"Is there anyone watching?" She whispers to him, as they enter the royal wing. It's just her's now. The rest of her family is dead, and Bo is… Well she doesn't really like thinking about Bo.
Her companion takes a moment, concentrating on something beyond her. Her heart flutters with remembrance, the boy she knew had done it a thousand times before.
"No, we're alone," he confirms.
It's enough for her to lay her head against his shoulder and squeeze his arm against her chest.
"Oh, Obi, I was so worried about you. I was so, so worried, I thought… I thought you were dead," she's still being so very quiet about her words even though her voice is wet with tears. She's learned that when you're in a position of power like her, you cannot ever show yourself vulnerable to anyone, even if there's no one watching. She knows there might be someone despite Obi-wan's reassurance. This is Mandalore after all. And despite the peace she's managed to bring to the people, she is not favored by all.
"I… I'm here now," he sounds sad. He lays his head on top of hers, he's grown so much taller since they last met, but she'd always thought he'd be… well even taller. She drags her mind away from the thought of his captivity, ever lingering in her mind, and what little food and water can do to someone. They are the same height now. She wonders if he'll grow taller.
"I'm glad," Satine replies with feeling, eyes closed as she trusts Obi-wan to read her. She runs her fingers over the sleeve covering his arm, feeling the sturdy fabric, just needing to feel him.
The royal wing is big and quiet, too big for her alone. It reminds her of a painting with no characters, of a set stage without actors. She tugs at his arm softly, steering them towards her private quarters, even further away from possible unfriendly eyes.
The door closes behind them with a soft click. Her rooms are spacious with a living area, a working space, and a huge bed that she's sure her Jedi will find obnoxiously soft but will undoubtedly fall asleep in its embrace if he were to lay down for a while.
Satine looks at Obi-Wan, at his handsome face, sadder than she remembers. But she thinks again about the color of his hair and it is just right. His eyes too are just the same, soft and open for her to dissect, though a little sunken. They stand in front of one another, the room so quiet their breathing can be heard and something… something overcomes Satine so fully her brain short circuits.
She takes a step forward and takes Obi-wan's face in her hands, his breathing is heavy like hers. Satine stops thinking.
She kisses him hard, so hard that their teeth click together, it's grating but she doesn't care, she keeps kissing him, sloppily and hurriedly, like he could disappear if she takes her hands off him. Obi-wan raises his hands and weaves them between the strands of her tightly bound hair, his fingers hesitating for a moment.
"It's okay," she says between breaths, "you can take it off if you want."
And he does, gently of course, Satine almost rolls her eyes but she's got a smile on as they continue kissing.
His hands run over her, wanting to feel her, but being too hesitant of crossing untold boundaries. Satine doubles her efforts with her affection, trying to scream with her actions, 'It's okay! It's okay! Do as you please, do as you like! I want it, I want you!'
They kiss passionately but terribly inexperienced the both of them, there's desperation there so rooted in her gut that she doesn't know what to do with herself. With her platinum blonde hair now free, he runs tender fingers through her locks.
She… she needs to take their clothes off now.
"Obi, Obi the buttons please," she says, somewhere between asking and ordering. Her knight in shining armor, always quick to oblige, does so. He hesitates though, on the third button, his kissing almost distracted. "It's okay Ben, don't worry, it's okay," she soothes him, sure that this is a first timer's doubt, but that's okay, she's scared too, she's never done this before either. She's only ever felt herself and is unsure if her Jedi has even done that.
Obi-wan continues, gently, making sure all of his touches are soft.
But she needs more of him.
Satine begins pulling them both backwards and towards her big, soft bed. Her legs collide with the base and she pulls him down with her. He humps a breath out as he falls on her and she loses her breath for a moment. She laughs, she really doesn't care, he joins in her laughter and it's sweet to her ears. Delighting in his enjoyment of the moment.
"Come on," she pulls him higher into her bed and they sit awkwardly in front of one another invading their personal space.
The young Duchess begins undressing him, sliding down his cloak, unwrapping his belt, then the layers of beige clothes until she finally reaches his skin. He's…
His skin is so scarred.
Obi-wan hides his face in the crook of her neck, suddenly ashamed. But Satine doesn't care about his scars. She takes his face into her hands and smiles at him reassuringly. He reciprocates but his smile is nervous.
"It's okay," she soothes him, caressing his cheeks with her thumbs. "Yes?"
"Very okay," he grins shyly.
There are butterflies in her stomach, she feels completely giddy and elated. She closes in the distance and they begin kissing again. Satine pushes him down onto the pillows, her upper body pressing against his chest. She runs her fingers all over his skin, worshiping every centimeter of his body. She wants Obi to feel like her own little god.
"Obi… Obi… Obi," she chants to him quietly.
She tangles one hand into his long hair, she's still marveling at that, and with her other hand caresses his chest, stomach, navel, and goes even further down. She wants to make this good for him. If he's feeling even a quarter of how she is at the moment, she'll be satisfied.
She kisses his cheek, feeling playful and bold; it's a little wet there and her lips taste like salt-
Satine stops cold in her tracks, pulling back swiftly and looking down at her Jedi. He's… he's crying. Obi-wan's crying.
"Obi?" She asks confused, concern inundating her voice.
He cleans away his tears quickly and gives her a winning smile that is shaky at best.
"Don't worry," he tells her and places his hands on her face to pull her down for a kiss. She lets herself be pulled in but she's still terribly confused.
"Obi, what's wrong?" she asks worriedly before the next kiss can take place, noses brushing against each other.
"Nothing, everything's fine," he lifts up his head a little to kiss her but a tear slides down and touches the tip of her nose.
"No, stop!" She pulls away again, "Ben, what's wrong?" The name slips through her lips.
He smiles again at her, ready to reassure her and continue but he stumbles in his tracks. He seems about to say something but… there are no words that will come out of his throat. His breath stutters and another tear falls down the corner of his eye.
"I- I'm okay. I'm okah- okay." He looks betrayed at his own words. He closes his eyes and covers his face with his palms as he starts crying again, muffling a short sob under his hands. "I'm fine, I'm fine," he mumbles between tears.
Satine takes her hands away from his body as if it's burned her and swiftly unstradles him.
"Ben, Obi-wan, what's wrong? Please tell me." But there's a feeling inside her gut. A worry, a thought. It comes with knowing she is a woman and a deep rooted fear of… But she doesn't know if that's what's going on here, she prays to the Ka'ar that it's not. Her Jedi has already suffered enough. And anyway, she's sure he has a long list of terrors to pick from, it does not have to be the one she's thinking of.
Satine places a gentle hand on his shoulder trying for comfort, but he flinches and she snaps her arm back against her chest. She breathes out shakily and begins scooting away to get down from the bed.
"No, please-" They both freeze, Obi-wan's hand holding to her wrist. He shudders. "D-don't go, please, Satine."
Her eyes tremble, she can tell his do as well. And it has always been the way he says her name, it undoes her, so she doesn't fight him on this, she stays. She comes close but nothing like they were before.
"I'm sorry I…" He caresses a soft finger up and down her arm. "I really want to do this," Obi-wan smiles crookedly at her.
"Well we're not," she snaps, hoping he knows her admonishment is towards his foolishness and not because he ruined the moment.
"I thought I wanted to, I do want to, I just don't know what…" His words dry in his mouth. Satine bundles up a bit of the sheets to cover up her bare chest.
"It's okay, you know?" Satine tells him softly but there's an almost sarcastic look to his eyes. Like he can't quite buy the validity of her words. "It's okay if you don't want to," she pushes with a gleam of fire in her eyes. Obi-wan nods, a little defeated.
They remain like that for a while, quietly awkward, but for wholly different reasons than before.
"Something happened to me while I was… with Death Watch," he forces the words out and Satine has to swallow. After a moment he explains with an apologetic smile, "it's just been a couple of rough years for me."
She takes his hand despairingly, wishing so bad to give him solace and comfort.
"Lie with me?" The ginger asks pleadingly. Slowly, Satine allows herself to be pulled into her trusted friend's embrace.
"Is this okay?" She asks him worriedly as she nuzzles herself against his side, head laying on his shoulder and chest.
"It's perfect," he hugs her against him and she hides the side of her face in his skin.
They lie like that, quiet for a long while. Satine's heart takes a moment to calm down from the fright of this revelation. She thought this might be it, but she'd hoped it was not. She does her best not to cry for him in his presence, for how selfish would that be? Underneath her ear, Satine can also hear his racing heart, she presses against him harder, hoping it does good instead of bad.
After a while she untangles from him, not wishing to overstay her welcome by his side and ready to give him some space for the night. Maybe she can get them some food. They'll appreciate the calories after the emotionally draining moment they just shared. The sun is closing in on the horizon, she won't sleep yet but she figures Obi-wan might. He looks exhausted already.
"Satine, can you… Can you stay please?" He pulls softly at her arm towards him. Her heart swells at him, touched that he'd still want to keep her company despite the circumstances. And she also understands, right now, he'd rather not be alone.
"Of course Obi," She smiles sadly. "Let me get us some food first?" His fingers close a little around her flesh but he relents with a nod.
Santine makes a comm call to the kitchens, she's used to going there herself but she supposes no one will find it too odd that she requests a meal delivered to the royal wing when there's a guest present. She makes sure she's presentable when a polite knock comes at the door of the royal wing, and she pretends, with admirable naturality, that her guest is in the restroom.
Once she's sure her servant is far enough away, she takes the trays to her private rooms. Obi-wan looks ready to stand and go help her but she stays him with a look.
He smiles at her, his expression terribly fond. She places the trays on the bed and carefully climbs into it again.
They eat quietly, but in the company of each other is almost as good as talking. She feels silly when the thought passes through her head of feeding him the pale blue grapes they were served. She's not a child with flights of fancy about whatever they feel for one another, not the lead of a romantic holodrama feeding her perfectly chiseled lover with any sort of grace.
"What is it?" Obi-wan asks, ever perspective of her.
"Nothing," she smiles ruefully but stops after a moment. If she doesn't tell him something as simple and silly as this, how can she expect him to trust her with what has happened if ever he needs to unburden himself? How can she expect her shoulder to be worthy for him to lean on? Satine swallows her pride and tells.
"I just thought I might like to feed you… like some ridiculous girl who's seen too many romance dramas." She blushes a little, never having any love of showing herself vulnerable. But this is Obi-wan, her Ben, he'll always be the exception.
He looks her dead in the eye, nervous again, and opens his mouth as if he wants to say something. Satine flushes further at his lack of response but then the Jedi smiles at her shyly and opens his mouth a little wider. She grins and picks a plump grape and places it carefully in his mouth, she kisses him, but she's afraid of it now. Afraid of her sexual desire for him for that is not something that should transpire between them. Not after what she's found out. Still, she gives him two more light blue grapes and lets her finger caress his beautifully plump bottom lip. By the end of their brief exercise in romantics, Obi-wan is just as red as her but they're both grinning.
Once they're done eating, she changes into a soft set of sleep clothes that would be deemed scandalously transparent for her present company, but she feels the situation calls for them. And anyway, they are quite comfortable for lounging around. Satine cuddles close to him, holding him within her arms.
The minutes pass. His body is tense beside hers, taunt, and she wonders how uncomfortable he must be. That is until moment by moment, slowly, the tension washes away from him until he's almost limp in her embrace.
"It was…" he starts suddenly after a long stretch of companionable silence.
"You don't have to explain yourself Obi," she says quickly but gently, "if you want me to listen I'm here, but you don't have to explain anything. I'm not owed an explanation, but I am here for you." She rests her cheek over his head and carefully caresses the long strands of his hair.
They are quiet again for a while.
"Do you want to tell me?" She inquires, careful to keep her intonation neutral but kind.
"I don't know," Obi-wan replies, hugging her middle a little tighter and hiding his face against her softness. "I dream about it all the time," he whispers, "I dream about a lot of things but this…"
"It's different?"
"It's different," he confirms. "Sometimes I think I can still…" he shudders, "feel him," Obi-wan croaks.
Satine looks down when she begins feeling a wet spot over her ribs, her Jedi is crying again, softly.
"Oh, Obi," she is not surprised to find herself crying with him.
"It's like a stain," he chokes quietly against her, "that I cannot clean. I- and then I should not want you that way, for my stain would taint you."
"No, Ben-" she tries.
"And you're too pure to be tainted at my expense."
"No. No," she rubs at her stained face. "It's not like that."
"I know," Obi-wan admits softly, "in here," he touches his head. "But that is not how I feel."
She closes her eyes in understanding and squeezes him against her in despair. A shudder wrecks his body.
"And I'm not perfect, not by a long stretch," she mumbles against his hair.
"Oh, don't I know it," he grins at her through the grief, playful. And he says that, but his eyes tell her a different thing. 'You are to me.'
The smile goes away.
"I sometimes still don't understand how it could've happened. I just… It's like my brain refuses to process it. I-" He gasps quietly. Satine can see there's a memory in his eyes. "I don't-" his voice breaks," I don't think I want to talk about this anymore."
"Alright," Satine kisses the crown of his head and they stay like that for a long while.
"Maybe… maybe we can try again in the morning?" Obi-wan looks up at her from where he cuddles with his face pressed beside one of her breasts.
"No, absolutely not. Not when it makes you feel like this," she shakes her head, ready to stand her ground but his next words stop her.
"But I want you, I really do," he states simply.
"And I want you too." They look at each other for a moment, then away with flustered smiles despite the fact that they're already sharing in a lot of intimacy. Both are incredibly mature individuals, Satine by virtue of being a young ruler and Obi-wan by virtue of being a Jedi, his time in captivity notwithstanding. Still, there is some bashful youthfulness to them no amount of early maturity can take away. They are still so young despite their circumstances.
"We don't… We don't have to rush Obi. There will be other times," Satine assures him.
"Will there?" The ginger asks a little ruefully, "I was given this leave as a courtesy… because you helped the Order so much when I was missing and because of our time on the run. I don't know if it'll happen again, let alone many other times."
"Then I'll go to you. On Coruscant."
"Can you even do that right now? With how Mandalore is?" The teen raises a knowing eyebrow at her.
"Someday then. But it will happen. I make them happen." Her fiery conviction makes an honest smile bloom on Obi-wan's face.
"Then I'll try my hardest too," he says like a promise.
They are quiet again, her Jedi seems to be steadily being pulled into sleep, and to her surprise, she's feeling the pull of tiredness herself. But there is something that won't leave her, and she fears that come morning they'll have to return to their pretense of politeness and all this will have to be carefully tucked away until the next time, maybe months or years from now, where they can find vulnerability with one another again.
"Obi-wan," she says his full name and it immediately captures his attention. His eyes are sleepy but on her like he's a moon and she's his sun and her presence is a blessing on him. Then she does dare to hope that it is not only her. She takes a breath.
"I know we were children, back then…" she starts softly, afraid of her own questions, "and I know things change." They've talked of want so much all night. I want yous. Want, want, want. But it wasn't always that way. "I just need to know… I know you care for me and I care for you." She needs to know if it was only her.
"Deeply," he tells her reverently, his eyes very aware now. She smiles, but it's shaky.
"Do you still… feel the same? As you did back then," she whispers afraid. She does not dare to ask more directly. But there is no need to.
"I still love you," a tear falls down his cheek but he's smiling at her, like the words bring him joy beyond measure. Satine exhales in religious relief.
"I love you too, that hasn't changed at all," she says, pressing their foreheads together. "I'm so afraid it was just a children's thing… That it still is just a children's thing. Love that fades and goes away."
"I believe it's more than that," Obi-wan tells her with such conviction her fears are soothed away immediately.
Satine closes her eyes tightly and grins. She lays a little on top of him and closes her arms around his neck, rolling to her back and pulling Obi-wan on top of her. They laugh. Satine is content, looking up at him and at the falling curtain of his copper hair, his nicked face and freckled cheeks.
"You are beautiful," Obi-wan says and she has to close her eyes and giggle while her face flushes. "No, Satine. You, are beautiful," and she stops.
Her breath escapes her, she… she knows what he means. He does not speak of her body, of her looks, he speaks of so much more.
"Oh," is the only thing she can find herself to say. She feels… seen. Almost bare before him, a different kind of bare of course. 'How can a person like this even be possible?' She wonders lost in a strange sort of befuddled elation.
She doesn't have words, so she reaches up to him and throws her arms around his neck so she can bring him down for a kiss. They laugh again, tiredly. He flops beside her and they tangle their limbs.
It's not long before sleep overcomes them.
When morning comes Obi-wan finds himself awake before the sun has even crept over the horizon. He's been staring for a while now at Satine's beautiful sleeping face. Her lips are slightly parted and hair is a mess around her face like a halo of pale straw. He's been brushing it carefully in what he hopes is a soothing gesture that won't wake her up.
Since he woke up he's been thinking carefully and deliberately, unsure of what course to take next. Unsure of what is right, but knowing what he feels is right. He makes a decision.
Obi-wan leans down until his nose is almost touching Satine's. Then he leans further down and gently kisses her. Drowsy lips begin kissing him back, they begin turning up into a smile.
"Obi?" Satine asks with a note of contentedness. He kisses her more and the girl lifts up her tired arms to wrap around his bare shoulders, clearly not opposed at all by his advances. Her arms slide down his back, caressing his skin and the bumps of his scars; the depression of his lower back until- Satine stops. "Obi, wait, what are you doing?" Some of the mental fog of waking seems to disperse in that moment.
"I am kissing you," he says with a smile that's a little mischievous.
"But…" she looks doubtful at him, their conversation from yesterday returning to her mind.
"It's okay Satine," she reassured her, his beautiful, kind smile melting some of her resolve. He kisses her forehead tenderly, his blue gray eyes peering at her lovingly. "I want to do this, really."
"You're sure?" She still asks, wanting to be absolutely positive, though she paws at his flesh with want.
Obi-wan smiles at her and his heart misses a beat.
He… he loves her. He loves her so much. Loves her far and wide and he is yearning to show this to her in all the ways that he may. This way. He yearns to show his love for her this way. The language of the skin.
Through it Obi-wan wants to show her how much he wants her happy, how much he wants to please her and to hear her laugh. This is right and just, he knows this in his heart despite the subtle ants that crawl all over his skin. This is right and her smile is worth so much to him.
There are walls in his mind, and consciously or not, it is behind them that he puts his feelings, those that do not belong in the now. Small thorns that sometimes rip at him if he looks at them too hard, or when a hand accidentally brushes over his skin. Dreams that wake him up at night with a racing heart. And he smiles and will himself to make this good for her, for the both of them. If there is fear, he's not aware, it lies behind a wall. And when he kisses her and tells her, "yes," his face is honest and loving and everything is worth it when Satine cheeks redden and she smiles like a sun.
She throws herself at him for another kiss and Obi-wan reciprocates eagerly. And when she takes off from where she left off and caresses his shoulders and lower back and even further down, Obi-wan feels his heart racing, it is excitement for their passionate actions, but it is also something more, but this he does not will himself to see.
"You'll-" Satine says between breaths. "You'll tell me if you want to stop, right? Or if something's wrong?" Obi-wan makes a humming noise she'll take for an answer and leaves it at that. He won't say anything, he already knows.
Since his ordeal with Death Watch, he's become quite the crier. Everyone knows this, his master does, his friends, the little chrèchelings he visits. It is just something that has changed in him which Obi-wan has begrudgingly learned to accept and live with. But this time, as for the many reasons he could cry, for love, or passion or sentiment or… something more, some elusive feeling behind a wall, this time Obi-wan does not share a single tear.