Chapter Text
Apollo was going to kill Klavier. He really was. Yes, he knew he had a room full of witnesses and would undoubtedly spend the rest of his life in prison, but he was beginning to think that he would prefer sitting alone in a cell to sitting on this loveseat that was not big enough for three people, sandwiched between Ema Skye and a blonde who had introduced herself when she sat down but he was too focused on not drowning in tulle to remember. It was only the first night and he was already completely miserable. How was he supposed to stand a month?
He never should have agreed. That was an act of stupidity on his part. Somehow, Klavier had made it sound so fun! Filming on location in Germany! Getting to hang out with some of the most badass girls he had ever met! Staying in a gorgeous mansion! Not to mention that it would boost his name and make him known to more high profile potential clients. Everyone at the Wright Anything Agency would never forgive him if he passed - Athena because she was a hopeless romantic, Trucy because of the fame, and Phoenix because of the business. And, though they’d never admit it, all three because of the chance to watch him embarrass himself on international TV.
It had all started two months ago. He had helped Athena with one of her cases and was feeling pretty good about getting an extension when they were leaving the courthouse. They had only gotten about halfway down the steps outside when Klavier practically materialized in front of them, instantly spoiling his good mood.
“Fräulein Cykes and Herr Forehead! Quite a marvelous performance today!” He was immediately oozing with charm, and Apollo rolled his eyes.
“Hi, Prosecutor Gavin!” Athena greeted, immediately falling for the facade. When he held out his hand for hers, she literally quivered and Apollo thought she might melt as he brought her hand up to his lips, brushing them against her skin.
“Every time I see you, your beauty is only more radiant. Soon you will outshine the goddess herself.”
Athena swooned and Apollo thought he might throw up.
“Keep it in your pants, Prince Charming. This is a place of business.”
“Is someone… jealous?” He teased, and Apollo recoiled.
“What?! No! Jealous of what, anyway?! I could totally charm Athena if I wanted to!” He turned to her. “Athena, your bright attire matches your spirit, which is as radiant as the noonday sun.”
She made a face and when he looked at Klavier again, he was snickering.
“Real smooth, Herr Forehead. Really. No notes.”
“She just knows I’m gay, so I don’t really mean it! What do you want anyway?!”
“Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you.” He turned to Athena. “Do you mind if I steal him for a second?”
“Oh, I can’t actually! I left my… phone on in the oven-” He scrambled, but it was no use, Athena putting her hand on his back and shoving him forward so forcefully he tumbled right into Klavier’s expectant arms.
“Of course not!” Her hands were now clasped together up by her cheek, as if to hide her treacherous deed. “You two have fun!”
She was gone before Klavier had even righted Apollo, though even once he did his hands lingered on his arms for a beat too long. Long enough that Apollo was able to look at them, and then up at his face quizzically. When Klavier met his gaze, he dropped his hands quickly, almost as if he thought Apollo would burn him if he held on too long.
“Let us sit.” He said, gesturing to some nearby benches in the shade of the cherry blossoms that grew on the courthouse lawn. Apollo could hardly say no, so he followed him over. After they sat, Klavier seemed content to sip from his takeout coffee as his eyes leisurely took in their surroundings and it fell to Apollo to break the silence when he couldn't take it anymore.
“So… Can I help you with something, or…?”
“Ja. I am hoping your heart is as big as your forehead, and you will be so kind as to grant me a favor.” Klavier responded, looking over at him.
“I’m not promising anything until I know what it is.”
“Smart man!" He praised, raising his cup as if to toast him before changing the subject. "Did you hear that I came out recently?”
“Uhh..” He blinked. “No. But… Congrats, I guess? I know that can be hard, so… Good job?”
“Danke. My manager was against it, but I thought it was important that I be my true, authentic self. I want any bisexual kids looking up to me to know that it’s okay to be themselves.”
“How noble.” Apollo could feel himself start to sweat. What did Klavier’s journey to self-acceptance and being a good role model have to do with him?
“Have you heard of the show Second Chance Romance?”
“No, and please don’t take that as an invitation to explain it to me. I’m perfectly happy not knowing what it is.”
“It’s a reality show where they invite a celebrity and all of their exes on, and they compete to see if the spark is still there.” Klavier explained as if Apollo had said nothing.
“Sounds trashy.”
“I’m the next season’s bachelor.”
“...Oh.” Klavier didn’t seem offended by Apollo’s misstep, offering an easy smile as he flicked his bangs back. “Um. Congrats?”
“Danke.”
“...So I’m still not sure what this has to do with me? Did you want me to watch Vongole while you’re on the show? Because I’m afraid I would have to decline, Mikeko does not play nice with others-”
“I want you to come on the show.”
If Apollo had his own drink, he would have done a spit take.
“...I’m sorry, what?”
Klavier wasn’t looking at him now, his face tilted to the side as he scratched his forehead, his eyes closed.
“I wish for you to come on the show as one of my ex-paramours.”
“I know I did experience some memory problems after Tonate hit me, but regardless, I am pretty sure I would have remembered if we had a wild, torrid love affair. I didn’t even know you were gay until just now.”
“Not gay, bi.” Klavier corrected, seemingly automatically, and Apollo took a deep breath.
“Right, sorry, but I am still not your ex.”
“Nein, you are not… But they will not know that!” He looked over at him slyly. “If we agree on a story and we both stick to it, no one will ever have to know it’s not true.”
“But... Why? Why go through so much trouble?”
“The show has been coming under fire for being heteronormative recently. They’ve never had an out candidate and while two of the contestants did fall in love on the first season, since then they’ve squandered all their good will from the alphabet mafia.”
“...So enter you. The first out contestant.”
“Exactly. But apparently my word isn’t good enough, and I have to actually have an ex-boyfriend to prove it.”
“And you don’t?”
“Of course I don’t! I’ve only been out for a month!” He suddenly turned red, which was a bit of a surprise. He was so shameless both on stage and in court, Apollo didn’t even know he was capable of embarrassment. “I mean, I have… Experimented before, of course, but… Only with one guy… And you kind of indicted him for murder the year before last…”
Ah. Daryan. Right. He had in fact done that.
“So, if I say no, you don’t have an ex-boyfriend to parade around, and they’ll find a different contestant.”
“In essence.” Klavier agreed with a frown.
“Oh, no. The poor little millionaire can’t expand his brand. That’s so sad for him. However will he recover? He’ll have to use the money from all the records he’s sold to dry his tears.”
“It’s not like that!” He actually looked somewhat angry, which was rare, and Apollo wondered if he had gone too far. “Is it so hard to believe that I actually want to find love?! My ex-girlfriends number among the coolest women I’ve ever met in my entire life, and if one of them is actually the one, then I want her back! Damn it, Apollo, I’m lonely!”
Apollo deflated a little, unable to bring himself to hold Klavier’s intense gaze. He hadn’t meant to make him sound so… insincere. Klavier was very aware of his image and was brand conscious, but Apollo also knew that, despite all of that, he was a good guy. Klavier took a few seconds to compose himself.
“...I’m sorry for yelling. It’s just… Even though everything I’ve been through seems to be the universe trying to tell me that I can’t trust anyone, I trust you. It stings that you don’t see me the same way.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry.”
“And I know what you're thinking! You want to know what’s in it for you!” That wasn’t at all what he was thinking, but Klavier didn’t pause for him to respond, seeming eager to move past his outburst. “I’ll pay your rent for the duration of the show. I’ll hire the best damn cat sitter Los Angeles has ever seen for Mikeko. I’ll even stop calling you Herr Forehead!”
“Tempting.” He deadpanned, but stopped himself from antagonizing Klavier further. “But I still don’t know. Some of us actually have to work for a living, you know.”
“Oh, I already talked to Herr Wright. He said it’s fine.”
At first Apollo was surprised, but then he was just exasperated when he remembered who he was dealing with.
“You asked my boss before you asked me?”
“I thought you might try to use work as an excuse. And I was right!”
“You are the most infuriating person I have ever fake dated.”
He didn’t mean it - or at least not the way it came out. But Klavier lit up so much, looking for all the world like a human golden retriever, and how could he say no to that face?
“You’ll do it, then?”
“...Fine. Why not?”
“Thank you! You won’t regret it, Herr Fo- Apollo.” He already did, but there was no reason to rain on Klavier’s parade by pointing it out. “You have my number, right? I’ll text you later and we’ll get our story straight. I’m thinking a secret relationship and you dumped me because you got tired of hiding, but I wasn’t ready to come out?”
For the next two months, he was texting Klavier constantly to iron out tiny details about their relationship. Even as he sat on the plane, waiting for everyone else to finish boarding, he was responding to a text explaining that he absolutely would not accept being called Tiny as a nickname from anyone, let alone a lover, when he heard a familiar voice.
“Justice? Is that you?” He looked up and gave a start when he saw Detective Ema Skye standing in the aisle.
“Ema! Hi!” He locked his phone quickly, as if he was afraid she would somehow know what he was up to. “What are you doing here?!”
“Right now, just looking for my seat. 33B?”
“I’m 33A, so…” He gestured. “Do you need help putting your bag in the overhead carrier?”
He wasn’t really sure why he offered. Ema was taller than he was, so if she couldn’t reach it, he definitely couldn’t. But she shook her head, lifting it effortlessly before plopping down to him.
“So! What takes you to Munich?” He asked, and she scoffed.
“Prosecutor Gavin invited me on some stupid reality show.”
“Wait… You’re going on Second Chance Romance?”
“Unfortunately - wait, how do you know about that?” She eyed him warily, and he could practically feel any respect she had for him draining. “Don’t tell me you’re secretly a huge reality TV fan?”
“Oh, no. Definitely not. I had never even heard of it until Klavier brought it up. I’m competing, too.”
“You? Since when did you date that glimmerous fop?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“High school! We went to the same boarding school in Germany. Then his music went big, he moved to LA, and decided he was too good for me. Maybe not in that order, but all three of those things definitely happened around the same time.” Despite the fact that she was recounting a heartbreak, she smiled, adjusting her glasses atop her head. “Your turn!”
“Oh… Well, you see… We met on the Kitaki trial and it was just… Love at first sight. But after awhile, I was tired of hiding. I didn’t want to go back into the closet again, not even for a rockstar. But he wasn’t ready, I guess, so… That was that.” He had averted his eyes, trying to appear appropriately contrite for his role in trying to force someone out of the closet, so he didn’t immediately notice her face. In fact, he didn’t have any idea how she was reacting until he heard her snickering and looked up.
“I’m sorry, is there something funny about our heteronormative society keeping me from my love?” He asked, failing to keep the annoyance out of his voice.
“No, no. Not at all. That’s very sad. Or it would be, if I believed it for a single second.”
“Excuse me?!”
“Apollo, did you forget that I worked the Kitaki case, too? That was not love at first sight. Hate at first sight, maybe… Perhaps rivalry at first sight? The most charitable I’m willing to go is annoyance at first sight. But you barely seem to like him now, let alone back then.”
He considered his options. He could lie like his life depended on it, try to convince her that it was just what good actors he and Klavier were, and never admit it. But on the other hand, she saw right through him. And it was Ema. It wasn’t the paparazzi or a producer or anything like that. It was Ema! He had promised Klavier he wouldn’t tell another soul, yes, but she had already figured it out, and it was Ema!! He couldn’t lie to Ema!
“You’re right. We never dated. I didn’t even know he liked men until he asked me to be on the stupid show. But the show is trying to win diversity brownie points, so they need an ex-boyfriend, or they wouldn’t pick Klavier. And he doesn’t have any actual ex-boyfriends.” This was the only lie he would still tell her. What Klavier had disclosed to him that day at the courthouse just wasn’t his story to tell. “So… Enter me. I’ll stick around for a few episodes and then once they’ve claimed that they’re all about how love is love or whatever, I’ll go home. Prince Charming gets his Princess Charming, the show gets its woke points, and I get… Well, I’m not really sure what I get, honestly. But it’s fine.”
“You’re the token gay, and you’re not even sure what you get out of it?” Ema confirmed, and he nodded. “That’s really shitty, honestly. Even for Gavin. Are you sure you want to do this? It can’t be too late to back out now, can it?”
“I’m doing it. It’s not fair or right, but it’s final.” He hoped he sounded more decisive than he felt and eagerly tried to change the subject before she could call him on it. “But what about you? You seem even less fond of him than I am.”
“That is correct! I do not like Klavier. But I do like winning.”
“Even if the prize is Klavier?”
“It’s not like, even if I win, they can make me fuck him. That would be human trafficking and highly illegal. I just want to win for winning’s sake. It’s not like I have to actually claim the prize.”
“So you’re just here to compete? What if you win? What about Klavier’s feelings?”
“I couldn’t care less about that asshat’s feelings. I just want to win.” She confirmed before smiling. “I’m glad you’re not really competing. I would hate to lose our friendship over something like this.”
“We’re friends?” He asked and she shrugged.
“Work friends, at least. Besides, isn’t it nice to know going in you have an ally?”
Ema was right. Even right away he had to claim her friendship. When they arrived at the mansion, they were told that most of it was just for show and there was limited room for the contestants, meaning they had to room together. A mousy brunette named Penny who had been assigned to be Apollo’s handler was remorseful as she explained that he was the first ever co-ed contestant on the show and would he mind terribly sharing a room with a girl, at least until someone got eliminated and they could move people around? Since he had an alliance with Ema, he was able to say that he didn’t mind at all, as long as it was her.
They were the first contestants to arrive, their flight having been a red eye, so they had all day and free reign over the mansion until the welcoming gala that night. Ema opted to find it scoping out the terrain and finding out what she could about the other contestants as they arrived, but Apollo hadn’t slept well on the plane, so once he unpacked he climbed up the bunk - despite his protestations that he hated heights, Ema had been very particular that she get the bottom bunk - and slept.
He awoke with a start a few hours later to Ema violently shaking the entire bunk bed as she screamed, her voice so shrill that at first he thought she was being murdered.
“APOLLO! APOLLO, WAKE UP!”
“In the name of the Holy Mother-” He exclaimed as he sat up, almost too shocked to realize he had used a Khura'inese expletive, which he hadn’t even heard since he was nine. “Is there a fire?!”
“No.” Ema let go of the bed, her voice suddenly normal. “It’s just time to get ready for the gala. Who’s the Holy Mother?”
“Did you have to emulate an earthquake to wake me up?!”
“Probably not, but it worked! Who’s the Holy Mother?” She repeated, and Apollo groaned as he climbed down from the bunk, careful not to look down even those few feet.
“She’s the figurehead of the religion they practice in my home country.” He answered before pulling open a drawer he had unpacked earlier.
“No need to do that. They’re going to dress us themselves.” Ema explained and he closed the drawer again. “So you’re an immigrant? I didn’t know that! Where are you from?”
“My citizenship is… complicated.” It was probably best to leave it as that. As far as he understood it, his parents were most likely Americans, which would make him an American, but without knowing who they were, he couldn’t claim citizenship as his birthright. Legally, he was Khura’inese and in America on a green card. “But I grew up in a country called Khura’in. You’ve probably never heard of it. It’s tiny and not really very important internationally.”
“I’ve heard of it!”
“Really?!”
“No. I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry.”
Before he could respond, Penny appeared. She led them to a ballroom that seemed to have been converted to a fashion house. He had never seen so much fabric in one place in his life. The room was buzzing with production crews and the other contestants, who also had to change and were in various stages of undress. He had been taking it all in in awe, but after accidentally seeing a woman with long black hair’s breasts, Apollo mostly focused on averting his eyes.
“Okay, so, these are your options for the evening!” Penny explained as she showed them to a rack that was filled to overflowing with dark green dresses with a single black suit on the end. “Ema, you can wear whatever one of these dresses you like, and Apollo, the suit is for you!”
She tried to act like it was positive, but from the way Ema snorted a laugh next to him, she also noticed the snub. Ema’s options were almost limitless, but Apollo was confined to a black suit with a crisp white button up and a striking red vest.
“Wow. My cup overfillith.” He deadpanned, and Penny fumbled for a second for a response before deciding to just press on.
“A-anyway! Get dressed and then just stay put, because someone will come mic you up! We start filming in fifteen!”
Just like that she was gone, and Ema looked over at him.
“Well, looks like I have a big choice to make! But what do you think, are you going to wear the suit, or the suit?”
He rolled his eyes as he grabbed the hanger before slipping behind the privacy screen next to the rack. Ema continued on as if he wasn’t out of sight.
“Do you want to know what I learned about the competition?” There was also the sound of rustling as she looked through her options.
“No.” He replied, but she continued anyway.
“There’s four other girls, and it turns out I actually know all of them! What are the odds, right? Anyway, there’s Maya Fey, who’s a spirit medium and who’s older sister was really good friends with my older sister until she died - her sister died, mine is fine. There’s also Franziska von Karma, who’s a prosecutor in Los Angeles, Kay Faraday who I knew when I was a teenager, and Regina Berry, who’s a circus performer! The only one I even knew dated Klavier is Regina, who dated him for a few years before you met him.” When he stepped back to the other side of the screen, he was surprised to see Ema was already dressed, zipping up a green velvet monstrosity with a dramatic A line skirt. Her usual attire was on the floor next to her, so she must have just changed on the spot, regardless of modesty. “Also, there’s a brand new host this year! Guess who it is!”
“Uhhh… I have no idea. I probably wouldn’t know them anyway, I never keep up with pop culture.”
“You definitely know who it is. I know for a fact you know them.” Ema promised, but was interrupted by a man bearing mic packs.
As he loaded them up, Ema’s on her back where it would be covered by the jacket her dress came with but Apollo having to push his shirt up for him to put it on his lower back, he explained the rules. They would be running until he came to get them and they would be fined if they turned it off. When Apollo asked how much the fine was, he just gave him a long look over before saying ‘More than you can afford.’
When he was gone, Ema looked around.
“I wonder if I have time to touch up my makeup… Do you wear makeup, Apollo?”
“Me? Oh, no. I’m gay, but I’m not, like, you know, *~gaaaaay~*.” To emphasize his point he added jazz hands, and Ema burst into laughter.
“I really hope they were filming that!” She explained breathlessly, much to his consternation. “That was meme worthy!”
“ATTENTION EVERYONE.” Before he could explain that he was just here as a favor, not to become a meme, a woman draped in brown by the door got everyone’s attention. Despite the fact that Penny had told him there was no smoking or vaping allowed inside, she held a long smoker. She must have been important, as all of the hustle and bustle stopped to bow to her will. “We will now begin filming. Make your way to the set.”
Everyone else seemed to move en masse towards the door so Apollo followed, even though he wasn’t sure where the set was. Next to him, Ema spoke.
“So! Guess who the host is!”
“I really have no idea, and again, I probably don’t kn-”
“Valant Gramarye!”
That caused him to stop dead in his tracks, staring at her.
“Valant Gramarye? Like… Trucy’s uncle, Valant Gramarye?” Ema nodded. “I have to fake court Klavier while the whole thing is being hosted by my best friend’s uncle?!”
“Yep! Man, even if I lose, it might all be worth it just to watch you suffer! Now come on!”
Ema wrapped her arm through his, the two looking like the most awkward couple at the junior prom, and dragged him to the “set”, which appeared to be a sitting room, just a little bit larger than you’d expect. It would have been more than big enough for all the actual cast and Valant - who was indeed the one Apollo knew, in the same gaudy yellow outfit, standing by a fireplace and going over something with the woman in brown - but most of the room was taken up by cameras and crew people. That was how he ended up squeezed onto a loveseat, with Ema on one side and the unknown blonde on the other. Like Ema, the blonde looked like a princess in a light blue dress, but as a result, he was being suffocated by tulle.
He really was going to kill Klavier for this.