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“I care for you.”
The words travel up her spine and close in around her in a warm hug that she wishes was his arms. She knows what’s going to happen. He’s going to bare his soul to her again and she is going to have another thing to hold. She keeps her back to him, breathing and pretending to search for the sugar while telling herself that she’s not a coward.
“Liv, look at me.”
She gives some half-hearted statement about the sugar as she turns around, and finds him closer than she expected. She doesn’t flinch; this is where he’s supposed to be. Right here with her.
“Liv.”
His hands grasp her arms and she finds herself stepping closer to him. He leans in and she knows he’s going for a kiss, and she knows he can sense the hesitation rolling off of her, so he backs up just a fraction. But she misses him and leans forward again, letting her forehead bump into his face in regret.
“Elliot.”
She wants more than anything to be closer, to be with him, to let herself fall. She has waited for this for so many years. No other love ever matched up. No one else could love her the way she needed. It was only ever him.
“Elliot. Elliot, I want to but I can’t.”
He balks for just a second and she knows he thinks there must be someone else. She feels him tense under her hands as he leans in and it’s almost a brush of lips and he relaxes because she doesn’t push him away.
“Why not?”
God, it kills her to deny him right now. It pains her to tell him no; it’s excruciating to put it off for even one more day.
“Because… what if it doesn’t work out?”
Then they will lose each other. She can’t lose him and she knows he can’t lose her. Not now. Not like that. She needs to be sure but right now the weight of the world is on her and she can barely see her hand in front of her face.
“And what if things work out?”
If Olivia hadn’t spent her entire life steeling herself against vulnerable moments, that would take her knees out and she would fall against him, kissing him senseless, throwing all caution to the wind.
“Elliot, I’m not ready for this,” she confesses, bobbing towards him again, pulling him in for a brief almost hug. “I’m not ready for this.”
Her heart is pounding and she can feel her stomach doing cartwheels and it’s a bit hard to breathe as she backs away and leans against the counter.
“I’m not ready for this.”
She slouches and her head rests against the side of the fridge while she closes her eyes. She can’t look at him like this. She can’t see the pain in his eyes. She can’t look at him while she throws away the one thing she’s always wanted.
“I’m not ready for this yet,” she says after a moment. “El, I…”
“‘S’okay Liv,” he says, and she hears him take a step forward. “It’s okay. Doesn’t have to be now.”
“I want this,” she replies finally, and her voice cracks when their eyes meet.
“I do too.”
“I don’t want to start right here.”
“When you're carrying the world on your shoulders and it's all upside down?”
She nods and notices how he’s taken her hand gently in his, running his thumb over her knuckles.
“It’s scary,” he whispers. “I’m scared too.”
“I don’t want to be scared, El. I’m just… I want to… I can’t…”
Words are failing her, but Elliot knows.
“You’ve been through hell the last few weeks, Liv. Last few months. Few years. This isn’t me begging or demanding. I just want you to know I’m here, okay?”
“I want us,” she says, her voice barely audible. “Please don’t think I don’t.”
“I know you do. We’ll get there. In the meantime, I’m here. For whatever you need.”
She nods and he squeezes her hand and she steps forward again, finally chest to chest with him, and her arms go up to wrap around his neck while his slide around her and she buries her face against him. They stay that way for a while, in a tight hug that transforms into a gentle sway back and forth.
“This case was so much,” she says finally, and feels him press a kiss to her hair. “I’ve been running on adrenaline for weeks. A colleague was murdered ten minutes after I saw him. It could have been me.”
“Olivia.”
“I couldn’t keep Noah safe,” she continues gently. “I had to send him away to people who aren’t his family. Not really. And I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know if I can even… if I can tell myself I’m a good mom. I should have stayed with him. I should have protected him myself. But I didn’t.”
“You did protect him, Liv.”
“And one of my detectives is… dirty. I have to figure out what the hell to do. Everything is changing so much. I miss Amanda more than I thought I would. It’s been a hard adjustment. And I’m so afraid that Fin is going to leave. He says he won’t but it scares me so much. It just feels like everything is temporary. I don’t want you to be temporary too.”
“‘Livia Benson,” he mumbles into her hair. “It’s not temporary. I’m here. I’m always going to be here. You can trust that.”
“I’m trying.”
“Fin isn’t going anywhere. I know that as well as I know anything. He’s not out until you are.”
“There’s so much, Elliot. So much now and so much back then and all the in-betweens. God, I can’t hold it anymore.”
She cries then, though it’s as unexpected for her as it is for him. He holds her tighter and kisses her head and murmurs softly in her ear to just let it go, put it down for one night.
For one night.
One night.
She could have this every night for the rest of her life if she wasn’t so damn scared.
The thought brings another round of soft tears but Elliot doesn’t flinch. He holds and soothes, rubbing his hand up and down her back and he doesn’t let go until she starts to pull away. She leans back slightly and skates her hands up his neck to gently hold his face as she leans in and kisses his cheek. They’re so close that she can feel the tips of his eyelashes against her cheek before she nuzzles her nose with his, and lets his forehead rest on hers.
“It will always be you and I,” she whispers against him.
“Always,” he replies in a voice she’s only heard a handful of times.
Blink your lights
Look how good you turned out
They’re wrong
I should have come back sooner
You mean the world to me
I love you
You’ve been my rock
Hey my friend Olivia
I care for you
Liv, look at me
“Elliot.”
“Olivia.”
The moment hangs between them as they sway back and forth, foreheads pressed together, her hands on his face, his clutching at the small of her back. She closes her eyes and lets it settle into her soul, documenting it there with all the other moments that she keeps as an arsenal to fight the demons.
“I need time but I don’t need space. I don’t want space. I don’t like the dance we’ve been doing. I hate it. I can’t have you in parts, El. I don’t want to do that to you anymore.”
“I get it, Liv.”
“That’s over. Be here.”
“I’m here. You just make sure to let me in.”
“Keep knocking?”
He grins and pulls back a fraction so he can kiss her forehead.
“I’ve got you, Liv. I’ve got you. It’s okay.”
“Don’t go.”
It surprises her but if it surprises him he doesn’t act like it.
“I can stay as long as you want.”
“The night?”
“Yes.”
Forever, forever, forever
She leans in closer, presses a gentle kiss to his cheek and pulls him down so she can whisper in his ear.
“We’ll get there together. I promise. I always get what I want.”
Elliot chuckles softly and nods, then leans back to look into her eyes. He tucks her hair behind her ear, cups her cheek in his hand and lets his thumb soothe over the bruise under her eye.
“Thank you for calling me, Liv. Letting me get Noah. I know…”
She nods and turns her head slightly so she can kiss his palm.
“I know too.”
“One step at a time?”
“One step at a time.”