Archive of Our Own ^beta

Zayn knows he's got a reputation for being 'the quiet one', and it's not entirely inaccurate.

He's not shy, he's just cautious when it comes to people. He likes to know someone before he lets them get to know him. Most of the time they're on tour, he's in the thick of things with Louis, having loud, obnoxious fun and making life as difficult as he can for Paul.

But occasionally he likes to take a moment to catch up to himself. And he likes to observe.

It's in one of those quiet moments of observation, dimly aware of Harry and Louis leaping at each other behind him, that he notices Niall. Or rather, he notices the way Niall is looking at Liam.

He's looking at Liam like he's the best thing in the world, like just being next to him is enough to live on and Zayn doesn't know where he's been looking, how he hasn't seen this before.

He bites his lip.

He stares.

Niall must feel eyes on him because he turns and his expression hasn't changed, he's still smiling at whatever Liam's just said, but that shine, or that something else, has gone.

Niall laughs, asks, "What, have I got something on my face?" and turns back to Liam.

Zayn wonders, for a fraction of a moment, how it would feel to be looked at like that. Harry's elbow hits him in the back of the head and life goes on.

***

Zayn's new knowledge seems to have settled somewhere in his chest. There's a strange feeling there, thin papers written over with words he can't read, jumbled dream letters that need a certain head tilt for deciphering.

He's not always watching Liam and Niall, he's not some kind of stalker. It's just that he can't help but notice things, now, and he wonders how much he'd missed, before.

Zayn thinks that Liam's not entirely oblivious.

There are moments when Niall sits a little too close a few too many times, laughs a little too loudly at something Liam does not even something he says, just a face he makes or his hip swivel of triumph when he pushes the button on the elevator and the doors open without them having to wait for it.

Moments where Zayn can see the uncertainty flicker across Liam's face like he's trying to convince himself that this is how 'just friends' are.

The thing about people is, they're very good at only seeing what they want to see. Everything in Liam's life is perfect right now and Zayn can't really blame him for brushing away cobweb suspicions, not when they're such gauzy, insubstantial things; not when it's probably nothing.

He notices Danielle's name isn't mentioned around Niall, and Zayn's heart swells at the kindness of Liam.

Is it kind in the long run, though? Maybe not mentioning Danielle, maybe Liam never saying anything to Niall, is making Niall think there's a chance for Niall-and-Liam. Maybe Niall's misinterpreting Liam's desire not to hurt him.

These thoughts keep Zayn awake at night.

There are other thoughts, too. He wonders about the inconvenience of having Niall be in love with him. Zayn imagines going through the motions that Liam's making. He thinks of gently holding Niall at bay, stepping over and around I know how you feel, I don't feel the same.

If he unfolded all the tissue paper feeling scrunched deep behind his lungs, he'd know that's not true.

***

Niall is good at not telling people things, which is not quite the same as keeping secrets. Anything substantial is revealed on a need-to-know basis, while endless trinket offerings are the norm and sometimes a distraction.

About this Niall is careful, very careful, but Zayn is more watchful than Niall is wary and sometimes he catches him biting his lip or rubbing the skin on the palm of his hand, thinking. He sees him pinch the tip of his finger once, after Liam's walked away and Zayn knows how it feels to love someone who-

well he doesn't know, but he can imagine.

Zayn thinks maybe he should have a talk with Niall, because there's no way this is going to end how Niall wants it to, and there are already spider thin cracks creeping across his shiny shell. But there's nothing he'd be able to say that Niall doesn't already know, and he can hardly go up to him with the instruction stop loving Liam because it doesn't work that way.

Zayn knows you can't help who you fall in love with.

But maybe, he thinks as he lies in his bunk that night, mind stuck on the same thing it always is these days, he can tell Niall that he knows, and that he's here if there's ever anything Niall wants to tell him, or just if he sometimes needs a hug.

Niall goes very white when Zayn sits him down backstage at the venue they're playing that night, when Zayn says, "I know about Liam". Like something's been punctured and the blood is draining away to some internal place.

"You know he doesn't love you like that."

"I know."

"I don't want to see you hurt."

"I know."

Niall cries a little, then, and something inside Zayn twinges and there's a strange sensation, like Niall's long fingers are gently lifting that first fine layer of paper so Zayn can peek inside.

He averts his eyes.

They hug and Niall's hands fist the back of his shirt, knuckles lying solid and warm against his spine through the material. He's holding on like Zayn's a buoy in a storm and Zayn's lungs expand in relief.

***Things go on much as they have been, but they're not quite the same.

Niall still beams at Liam when he walks into the room but now he also has a smile that's just for Zayn. It's softer and more pointed somehow, specific.

Liam notices, on some level. Zayn can see it in his eyes, the lines of his face. An even mix of confusion, relief and something else.

They hang around more, just the two of them, the way secrets bring people together. Zayn's the first person he comes to - before, there was unattainable Liam and Niall was alone, adrift. But Zayn is reachable and it's him Niall swims to.

"I know nothing's ever going to happen."

Zayn moves his fingers through Niall's hair. Soft. His skull fits perfectly under Zayn's palm.

"I know it's unfair to Liam."

His thumb at the nape of Niall's neck.

Niall climbs into Zayn's bunk and they lie side by side, arms and legs lightly burning where they touch.

"But how can you say that? I know you don't like Justin, but you have to admit technically it's a good song."

Another day, another city and Zayn thinks he'll get tired of it, at some point.

"I don't know if they've had a falling out or what, but he's been a dick all day and he'd better be over it tomorrow."

Niall shifts and his elbow hits Zayn in the ribs.

"Sometimes I look up flights home. It's good to know I could just go, if I wanted. Don't tell the others, they wouldn't get it."

He won't get tired of this.

"Next time we go back I'll lend you a few issues. You'll see, Batman is way cooler than Superman."

Like this, Niall's hand in his feels right.

***In much the same way it had dawned on him that Niall was in love with Liam, something else occurs to Zayn.

They're having breakfast in the hotel dining room, and the light through the windows is a halo behind Niall's head, strands of hair illuminated bright - and warm, Zayn thinks. Like pushing toes through sand.

Niall is buttering his toast absently, making imaginary patterns in the melted stuff with his knife and Zayn realises he's staring, smiling like he can't stop.

Oh.

Things go on much as they have been, but they're different now, too.

Zayn's carrying something around, whatever was in the tissue paper now a solid, sparkling weight.

He's almost sure that he didn't start out feeling this way. Maybe this is how months of watching someone wear their heart so carefully on their sleeve always ends.

Would he have fallen in love with Louis? Or with Harry?

Don't be ridiculous, Zayn.

Especially when it's such a lovely heart.

"Zayn."

They're in Niall's bunk, curtains open just enough to let in light. Across from them Liam's are drawn shut.

Their feet bump against each others'. Niall strokes the fine hairs on Zayn's arm.

And Zayn opens his mouth to say something, maybe it's ok, Niall or funny how I couldn't see far enough to picture this scenario but he stays quiet when he sees the way Niall's looking at him.

Oh.

***Things go on much as they have been, but everything's changed.

Niall still beams at Liam when he walks in the room, but it's somehow not as bright as the soft, complicated way he smiles at Zayn.

For his part Zayn feels like Tony Stark must when his arc reactor has been clicked back into his chest, fully charged.

And sometimes Zayn thinks maybe there's a slight hurt lingering about Liam. Like he's lost something.

But Zayn and Niall are tangled, slotted, wrapped up together. Happy.

And well

people are good at only seeing what they want to see.