Work Text:
Dear Ex,
Hi.
It’s been… years right? 10 years or so I think since we broke up and last talked to each other.
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung ba’t ko naisipang sulatan ka. Siguro para mangumusta since naging malaking parte ka rin naman ng buhay ko. Minsan din nating minahal yung isa’t isa.
Siguro para sabihin yung mga bagay na hindi ko nasabi sa’yo nung naghiwalay tayo. I won’t call it closure since maayos naman tayong naghiwalay. I just think you still deserve to hear those things even if it’s already long over due.
I’m sorry. Sorry for not being a great boyfriend and for breaking most of the promises I have made. For (intentionally) hurting you that one time and for leaving when I said I would stay.
Ayaw kitang sumbatan pero along the way, nasaktan mo rin naman ako. Pareho tayong may kasalanan kung bakit nagfail yung relationship. And though I don’t regret breaking up (it was what we needed back then), it didn’t hurt any less.
Tinapos natin kung anong meron tayo bago pa tayo parehong maubos. I can’t lie though, the first few months were difficult. But even then, there were what ifs.
What if nag-stay pa ako? What if kaya pang pag-usapan, pwede pang balikan?
What if minahal mo ako hindi lang dahil ako yung nandito?
What if we actually lasted?
There were just many what ifs then but I guess it’s true what they say that time solves things because when it passed, those what ifs faded with it.
More so, it healed wounds brought about by our relationship and only left great memories of the days we were happy.
But you know how they say that time heals all wounds but that some of them leaves permanent scars, right?
I guess you are that permanent scar for me.
I may not remember how painful the wound was when I first had it but a trigger would make me remember how it once hurt me.
One of those triggers would be some of our common friends who, during get togethers and over dinners, would mention your name unintentionally.
They’ve always been so careful around me but sometimes they can’t help but spill in between chatters and random gossips.
It was fine. I mean, it did get hard then pero over time, nakasanayan ko na lang din.
I got used to hearing your name without it being involved with mine. I got used to not being the one sharing to them stuff about you. I got used to doing a lot of things alone— some of which we used to do together.
But even then I was happy rather than sad knowing that you’re doing better than I am. Yun lang naman ang gusto ko noon— yung pareho tayong magheal sa mga sugat na meron tayo, yung pareho tayong maging masaya at makahanap tayo ng taong magmamahal sa atin at mamahalin natin ng higit pa sa kung paano natin minahal ang isa’t isa.
Earlier today, I had dinner with some of our common friends. I can’t remember who it was but someone mentioned your name. It was the first in a very long time na narinig ko ulit yung pangalan mo. They said you’re getting married next month.
If this happened few years after we broke up and I am not fully healed yet, I don’t know what my initial reaction would be— shocked probably.
I would’ve started questioning things now.
When we were together and I asked you to marry me, totoo bang hindi ka pa ready noon? Pareho ba tayong hindi ready? Were we still immature? Or was I just not the one for you? Hindi ako yung taong nakikita mo na makakasama mo sa habang buhay.
Minahal niya ba ako gaya ng pagmamahal niya sa taong papakasalan niya?
Kung hindi kami naghiwalay, kasal na ba dapat kami? Magiging masaya kaya kami?
Pero sabi ko nga, okay na ako. Malaya na ako sa sakit na dinulot ng nakaraan.
So when I heard the news of you getting married, rather than being angry, I felt happy— genuinely happy that you’ve found someone you love, someone you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with.
I don’t know if you’ve heard about me or if you care but I’ve found someone too. Sabi nila, we’ll find someone who will make us realize why it didn’t work out with somebody else. He is that someone for me.
He is the reason why I had the courage to trust love once again. He is my worth the risk and all the troubles.
The things I got used to doing alone, I’m doing them now with him. He makes me feel alive. When I think about the future, I think of him and if I could marry him again and again, I would in a heartbeat.
I hope your soon-to-be-husband is like that too— someone you think of when you think about the future— something na hindi mo nakita sa akin.
Dearest Doyoung, thank you for the memories, the lessons, the chance to love and be loved by you. Isa ka sa mga bagay na never kong pagsisisihan. I hope na naging masaya ka sa piling ko.
I loved you, Doy. You’re one of the greatest persons I have met— both as a lover and a friend. I don’t know if I can consider you my greatest what if but I’ll always treasure the memories we had.
I will always be thankful na minsan sa buhay ko nabigyan ako ng pagkakataon na mahalin ka at mahalin mo.
I know I don’t need to give you my blessing cause I know you will be in good hands.
You deserve all the happiness and love the world could offer, Doy, and I know your husband can give you just that and more— so much more than I have given or failed to give you.
Congratulations and best wishes on your marriage, Doyoung. I don’t know if we’ll see each other somewhere but if we do, I hope we won’t be strangers. I’d love for you to meet my husband. Actually kilala niyo naman siya from college so I really hope there’ll be a chance someday.
Also, I can’t consider us friends pero naging kaklase ko rin naman yang asawa mo so please do send my regards to Jaehyun. :))
Always,
X
P.S.
This might not sound believable but I’m glad that you managed to find each other again and end up together. You’ve never told me but I guess I’ve always figured it out. He was your first love… right? :)