Work Text:
Some days were harder than others; thankfully, today was not one of those. Most times, the darkness has overcome the light in my life. My memories were the same nightmares that woke me up shaking almost every night; everything I did seemed insufficient no matter how much I tried; I had failed, and every breathing creature in the realms was doomed. The threat of an inevitable death was too hard to ignore. Yet, some days were just peaceful. They were rare, but they were there. It felt almost surreal to feel peace among destruction, and sometimes I felt guilty about it, but if I was going to die in the end, I hoped that the memories that flashed before me were the ones of days like this one. The ones of peace and happiness, rather than the ones of the death and sadness that usually surround me.
The sun was slowly rising from behind the sea, bringing its light and warmth to the coast of Solis. No one walked in the streets. The view was that of a dream. The salty air of the coast filled my lungs, and the birds sang their morning sogs, as it was just another day and there was not a countdown to the end of all we knew.
I turned my head and lifted my chin, perfectly knowing what I would find. Malik was deeply asleep under me. His usual sharp features were now softer, and he didn’t look anywhere near threatening as half of his face rested against the humid grass and small white flowers surrounding it or were now hooked into his soft sand-colored hair. He looked at peace, which was also rare on him. We had become survivors, and living on the edge was the only way we knew. I rested my hand against his light brown cheek, careful not to wake him.
"I love him," I thought to myself. It felt like a revelation even when I had already thought about it; however, this time as my cheek rested on his broad chest, my legs were tangled with his, and the world seemed to matter so little as long as he was by my side, this time it felt real. I love him, and it scared me. I have never told him that I love him yet. He has told me that he loves me; he has shown me that he loves me; and he has confessed his feelings to me over and over throughout the decades. Nevertheless, I have never said it back. Not even once. It wasn't that I didn't care about him; I did, but everything was already so difficult that falling in love seemed like adding to the list of problems. Besides, if I learned one thing in my life, it was that love was nothing but a lie. My mother claimed she loved me, but that hadn’t stopped her from murdering me; the ones who I once considered my friends claimed to love me, but that hadn’t stopped them from handing me over as a sacrificial lamb the day of my failed ascension. Everyone I have ever loved has betrayed me. Yet, moments like this made me wonder if I really, genuinely loved him. The mere thought scared me because I know that I probably did. It had taken some time, or at least for me to realize it, but I would catch myself constantly trying to make him laugh, and I would always look for his beautiful dimples, which I have memorized in which exact place on his cheeks they are. During the nights we spent together, I counted each mole across his body, daydreaming about one day kissing them one by one. Other nights, I have counted every scar that cruel hands have left on him and sworn revenge on his behalf. I wanted to hug him and make him feel the warmth that grows inside my chest when he caresses my hair. "I love him," I thought again, cursing myself; I despised loving him.
A hand tightened around my waist. “Enjoying the view?” His voice was deeper and lazier than usual, and a soft one-sided smile made its way to his lips. I fought back my own smile. He was not asking about the breathtaking sunrise that was displayed in front of us.
“Don’t let it get on your head; I was just checking if you were still breathing.” I wasn’t a terrible liar most of the time; I have been lying my entire life; my existence has been a lie, and yet I couldn't come up with something better.
"How thoughtful of you," Malik yawned, hugging me even tighter, "I imagine your world would shatter if I didn't." If he only knew.
We felt quiet, but it wasn’t uncomfortable; nothing with him was. My gaze had shifted to his stomach, where his calloused hand had completely encircled mine. His fingers twitched around mine, and it felt right in a way that was hard to explain. I was not one to pray, but I silently pleaded to the Gods that this moment would last an eternity. The pain of the world couldn’t reach us here, and I was being selfish; I knew it, but didn't we deserve that? I had become a soldier; I couldn’t exist without a battle, and I needed the purpose it gave me. Yet, sometimes I wanted to hide and let others take over the world for a little while. What else was there for me besides a battlefield covered in blood? It was only when I was with Malik that I could see myself laying down my sword and just living instead of running. I could see us happy in a simple, quiet life without vengeful mothers, twisted fates, and furious Gods.
Let the realms be damned; be selfish with me, and let the gods destroy one another. “I-” The words died before I could even make sense of them. When I lifted my gaze to his face, whatever I was going to say died in my throat. Malik’s eyes were not on me, on our joined hands, or even on the sunset. His head was pointed to the east, his eyes fixed somewhere beyond Solis. Atlantia, his home. I hated the sorrow that reflected on his stare and the dejection that had washed away the quiet happiness of a few minutes ago. I was being selfish, but not with the realms or the gods; I was being selfish with the one I love the most. Malik had a kingdom to come back to, friends to see once again, and a family that loved him and had been looking for him for centuries. Malik already had a home, and once again he had given it up for me even when I knew that a part of him didn’t want to. I have heard in the pain of his voice how much he missed his little brother, how much he would wish to see the sunset behind the Skotos once again, and I have heard his love for his home and its people in each comment and anecdote shared about his life before being captured, before everything was taken away from him.
“You..?” He asked softly, his voice still beautifully deep from his recent sleep.
If that is what he wanted, then I would give it to him. I would do anything for him. I didn’t care if it destroyed me; for him, I would do it.
“I have been thinking about the war-”
“Millie, we already spoke about this; we don't--” Malik interrupted, and he didn’t sound tired or angry; he rarely did, and he even played a funny smile on his face, but I knew better.
"And,” I continued, ignoring his interruption, “I think we must help. Yes, I know what I said before,” I stopped him before he could protest again. “But I changed my mind, I want to help retrieve my father, and who knows? Maybe my sister is actually a nice person to get to know, or my grandparents don’t want to destroy me for being not only my mother’s daughter but also a revenant, It sounds fun.” I laughed, pretending not to notice the gravity of the situation. The thought of facing not only an entire kingdom that would probably hate me for who I was but also fear me for what I had become after my failed ascension choked me. I shuddered my shoulders as the idea of standing before Drakens and Primals didn’t paralyze me in terror. But for Malik, I would do it.
There was a minute of silence where we both allowed my words to sink in. Malik’s eyes fell on my face, scanning every inch of it as if he could read my lies there.
"Do you mean it?" he asked, he tried to hide it but I could hear the hope in his vice
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.” Liar. “Do you know where Atlantians are or?”
“Yes, I do. heard they are near the capital, to the east.” All of a sudden, the lights in his eyes dimmed. "I'm not sure if I'm welcome," "I just don't know anymore," Malik laughed drily. It shattered me that he even thought that. I was very familiar with feeling unwelcome in your own family, and I hated that Malik felt that way. I hated even more that it was my fault. if he hadn’t chosen me, if he hadn’t stayed all those years ago, or if he hadn’t fled after me when the battle ended.
“Malik.” I tightened my grip on his hand . “That is your family and friends; they love you.” And this time I meant it; I'd seen his brother and how they interacted with one another. The anger and sorrow were there, yet love also was.
We didn’t say another word, but it wasn’t needed. Malik lay once again on the grass, and I rested my head on his chest, listening to the calming sound of his heartbeats. His fingers tangled softly around my hair, straightening and wrapping around my curls. I could have stayed here forever. Malik rested a soft kiss on my forehead, “I love you,” he said against my skin, making it tingle.
“I love you too,” but I didn’t say it.