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A starry sky and a full moon painted the night. Truly, it was beautiful. It was a shame that it was going to be the last time she admired it in a long time.
Riko was excited. Of course she was, she was leaving for college! But she was also nervous, worried and still wondering if she made the right choice. It wasn’t easy deciding to go back to Tokyo, especially when she had made so many great memories and friends. Particularly one friend…
Yoshiko was sad. Of course she was, Riko was leaving for college! She knew it was selfish to want her to stay, but the thought of being without Riko made her heart ache. It wasn’t easy admitting how weak and intoxicated she became when it came to Riko.
The ocean was calm, waves occasionally passing through her feet. Maybe it wasn’t the brightest idea to walk by the beach in the middle of the night considering the tide could rise at any point, but she didn’t care.
She didn’t care.
That’s what Yoshiko would love to say. It’s the way life works. Everything is temporary after all. Then why she didn’t want to let Riko go?
“I always loved the beach here,” Riko interrupted Yoshiko’s thoughts. “It means a lot to me.”
Yoshiko recalled Riko’s first months in town. Probably the thing that struck her about Riko the most was hearing about the time she literally jumped into the sea to hear “new sounds for inspiration” or something like that. Back then, she thought what a crazy chick, but it actually showed her how passionate she has always been about music.
She doesn’t remember exactly when she started to like Riko. It just happened. Suddenly, all those afternoons together became much more than just hanging out. Though it wasn’t until recently that she put a name to those feelings, it was the only right way to describe them.
“You’re not thinking about jumping again, are you?” she said in a concerned tone, jokingly.
Riko covered her head in shame, “Why does everybody think I was trying to end my life?” It definitely wasn’t the first time someone brought that up. Although over time people started to forget about it, there was always one or two who reminded her about that incident, “Not my brightest moment, I know.”
A lot has happened since she got here. The last few days have been all about reminiscing the old times spent on this beach, at school, at Chika’s inn, at Yoshiko's house.
Part of that reminiscing involved Yoshiko. Actually, most of it. Since she decided to study in Tokyo, a growing feeling of uncertainty towards Yoshiko started overwhelming her, and now finding her here felt like the universe’s way of making her face whatever was happening in her mind. As that realization dawned on Riko, the hot air of the night started creeping up her body. She turned to the sea next to her to seek some sense of refreshment from her burning thoughts.
Yoshiko looked at Riko. That sundress looked absolutely gorgeous on her. She definitely planned to come here, unlike her, who at last minute decided to get out of bed hoping to find Riko. Yoshiko found herself lost in her crimson eyes, the moon offering the perfect lighting for the canvas of her mind. It was a painting she wanted to engrave in her mind.
Riko noticed the long stare, “Is something wrong?”
“N-no,” Yoshiko jumped a little. “You look good,” Good was an understatement. She looked stunning.
“Thanks,” she muttered, her cheeks blushing lightly. “Were you sleeping?” referring to the pajamas and noticeable bed hair.
“Not really,” an embarrassed expression grew in Yoshiko's face. “I couldn’t sleep… For some reason,” But she actually knew the reason, the reason being next to her.
After a few minutes of walking, Riko sat down facing the sea, Yoshiko following suit.
“Tell me Yoshiko,” Yoshiko felt Riko’s piercing gaze through her eyes, “what brings you here?”
“I…” she was considering lying to avoid making things awkward, but really, was she in a position to lie right now? “I knew you’d be here.”
Riko looked almost surprised, “You wanted to see me?”
“Maybe,” Yoshiko broke eye contact, settling for looking at the sea. “I had the feeling I had to.”
Riko was shocked. Was she reading her thoughts? “Like the universe told you… or something?” she said, mostly joking, although not really.
Yoshiko looked back at Riko confused but turned her gaze back, “Yeah, you could say so,” she chuckled. “I didn’t know you believed in the universe forces and so on.”
“It’s recent,” Although she didn’t think of herself as the kind of girl to believe in superstitions, lately she had felt inclined towards such beliefs, “But it doesn't sound that illogical, don’t you think?”
“Well, the whole Yohane thing was based on the destiny the universe entrusted me,” she air quoted. “But now I don’t know, honestly.”
Right. Yohane. It was a name Riko hadn’t heard in a long time. Some time after the third years left, the former Yohane stopped referring herself that way. Riko didn’t know if the others noticed. Perhaps they did, but they didn’t want to ask and, in theory, neither did she, but it was something that had been bugging her for quite long. The most logical explanation would be that she grew out of it, yet Yohane was such an essential part of Yoshiko that it didn’t sit well with Riko that she would simply abandon it like that. There had to be something more. Maybe this was going to be the only chance she had to ask.
“What happened to that? Yohane, I mean.”
“Oh well,” Yoshiko visibly tensed up. “I think I finally grew out of it,” she simply brushed it off, the look in her eyes saying otherwise. “Too embarrassing, I guess,” she chuckled.
“You shouldn’t stop being yourself just because others find it embarrassing. Isn’t the reason you started being friends with all of us was that we accepted you the way you are? Why suddenly stop it?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t come here to be interrogated,” Yoshiko said, more aggressively than she wanted. “Sorry,” she sighed, “I don’t know why I’ve been so sensitive lately. Is this part of growing up, Riko?”
“I’m not that old Yoshiko,” she still wasn’t used to not being called Lily, little demon or some variant. “You do get more conscious. About your actions, your decisions, that adult stuff.”
“Adult, huh?” A light breeze brushed her messy hair. “Right, you’re legally an adult now.”
“Yeah. It kinda sucks, I wouldn’t recommend it.” Riko saw a small giggle come out of Yoshiko’s mouth. Did she always look this adorable? She wondered. Not wanting to delve into it, she continued, “It feels like I'm always making the wrong decisions.”
“But you’re going to study music. Isn’t that what you want?”
“Yes I do. But something isn’t right.”
“There are no right or wrong decisions, only decisions… At least that’s what Chika once told me.”
“The same Chika that wrote culb instead of club?”
Both laughed at the memory of the club sign, “Trust me, I was surprised too,” as much as they all loved Chika, they had to admit she wasn’t the best role model when it came to good decisions. But sometimes she gave good advice, “I’ll probably say something like that too. Something cheesy like Follow your heart,” she said that last part in a silly voice, making Riko laugh again for a moment before returning to a serious demeanor.
“Are you following your heart?”
The sound of the waves filled the air for a while. Rather than asking Yoshiko, she was thinking out loud. Although it was true that music was her passion, did that passion involve sacrificing what she cared about the most?
With all the shoujo manga she has read by now, Riko thought she would never end up in such a situation because she would know what to do. Because it would be obvious. Oh boy, she was dead wrong. She mentally apologized to all the main leads for thinking they were dumb. If this situation was a manga she was reading, what would she think?
The matters of the heart were difficult.
That’s why she should let her head take the lead and leave. Perhaps If she stayed, Yoshiko and her could be together and live happily ever after, but no one could guarantee that. Music could not decide to just call it quits one day. Music would not leave her.
“Geez, you put me in a very difficult spot, you know that right?”
Yoshiko wondered what had she really come here for. Confess her feelings? One last goodbye? Perhaps it was the only way she could ease her aching heart. She had to do something.
“I should be the one asking you that…” her voice shrank. “I know this is like, a dream come true for you, but…” she hesitated. But she wasn’t going to live with the regret of letting Riko go just like that. “What about us?” The salty air filled her nose, giving Yoshiko a sticky feeling. She noticed Riko’s eyes widening, her hands slowly starting to fidget.
No.
She couldn’t do it.
She couldn’t put Riko on the spot like that.
“I mean us as in, you know, including Chika and the others…” she tried to play it off.
“I…” was that an attempt to…? Was this mutual?
No, please don’t.
Don’t make me regret it.
“Well,” she sighed, “I guess you know what you’re doing.” she stood up, “So I suppose this is the end then.” Yoshiko said, contemplating the sea. What a coward. But unfortunately, part of loving someone included not wanting to hurt them.
“I think,” Riko said, guilt consuming her.
“I see,” She wasn’t going to change her mind. “Good luck Riko,” Yoshiko started walking away.
Something got inside Riko, “Yoshiko, wait” Yoshiko stopped walking but didn’t turn back. This was the moment, “You want to know what’s been conflicting me?” Yoshiko listened carefully, “The reason I’m feeling something is wrong?” she couldn’t hold back anymore. “It’s you Yoshiko. It’s been you all along. You got me all confused and nervous and I don’t know why. Just when I finally thought I made it, that I was going to fulfill my dreams, turns out I don't want to leave.”
“Then don’t,” she said nonchalantly.
“What?”
“If you don’t want to leave, don’t leave.”
Riko sighed in frustration, “You don’t understand. I have to.”
“Why?” she started to get annoyed. You’re so stubborn, she thought.
“My dream Yoshiko! What part of that is not clear?” she raised her voice.
“Does your dream involves being miserable?” Yoshiko faced her, “All your you should be yourself bullshit, when you should be the one hearing that!” she said, also raising her voice, “I know I’m also making mistakes but at least I’m honest about it!”
“Do you think all of this is a joke? A lie? My reason for being, do you think I’m throwing it all away just because I have a crush or something?!” Having said that, she realized how big of a mistake she made, but she couldn’t take it back.
Yoshiko froze, taking a couple of seconds to compose herself, “So that’s the way things are? Very well, I see.” she said calmly, even if it was only a façade. So calm it scared Riko. “I was willing to try. I like you too, Riko. I love you, I adore you. I didn’t get out of bed in this damn heat for nothing. You’re not the only one suffering here, you know that? All for you to say it’s not worth it for a silly crush. Am I just that? A silly crush?! Tell me, Riko!” she ended up screaming, tearing down her façade.
“Yoshiko I didn’t mean–”
“Actually no,” It was enough. She couldn’t deal with this anymore, “I don’t wanna hear it. I better go before I say something else I’m going to regret.”
Riko watched her shadow walk away, eventually disappearing. Her vision began to blur slightly. She looked up at the now cloudy sky, tears brushing her cheeks, and muttered.
“I fucked up.”