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in the apocalypse, positivity is the last thing on lee eun-hyuk's mind.
"i know you don't think so ... but," your eyes drift away, fixing onto the floor. "your happiness matters too." you sigh, finding it easier to stay sane when you don't have to look him in the eye.
in the apocalypse — his happiness is the last thing that matters. to him, what matters most is everyone else's survival. human beings are adaptable creatures, and finding ways to adapt to the hellish world you both lived in is what lee eun-hyuk felt he did best.
his hands push the hair out of his face, and it is there that he gets the courage to tear his eyes from the screen. eun-hyuk can only hope you don't notice the way his hand trembles when he turns around in his chair, only to find your gaze already locked on him.
"so," eun-hyuk starts, swallowing as he locks eyes with you. "what was it you wanted me to do?"
you perk up in your seat, the worry in your voice quickly dissipating and it feels like he can finally breathe—the smile brightening your face serving as a breath of fresh air. "it's something i had the others do too!"
"just, find one thing to be positive about everyday? it … helps, when i check in on you."
"one thing?"
"one thing." you say, offering a small smile in the hopes of convincing him. your fingers fiddle with the edges of your jacket sleeves, the knot in your stomach growing more and more until he finally sighs.
an "okay." is whispered under his breath. nodding softly, lee eun-hyuk is weak, weak in the way he is unable to say no to you. weak in the way he is able to pride himself on being level-headed, on being able to make calm, rational decisions until it's the people he cares about—until it's you. it seems like rationality goes out the window as soon as it comes to you, and the way his heart gives in at the sight of your smile all the more confirms it.
—
lee eunhyuk finds it easy. so incredibly easy to name the things he's positive about in the apocalypse, yet in the way your eyes stare into his, a furrow in your brow as you sit so close your knees touch, he can tell you don't believe him.
it's become routine for him—and for you, to visit the security office every night. some nights, you walk in with a snack, small cakes you managed to take from the old man's convenience store, just to make sure eun-hyuk ate something. but on nights like this, where you notice he hasn't come to dinner again—you walk in with two plates, setting one down on the table.
when eun-hyuk raises an eyebrow in your direction, questioning the food next to him, you can only whisper back "i didn't want you to eat alone."
a breathy laugh escapes his lips before he can stop it, and in your presence, lee eun-hyuk is able to swallow down every bite of his food, only to see your satisfied smile when you're sure he's eaten.
the first few times, eun-hyuk was able to answer your question with ease, finding positivity in increased rations, in coming back safe, in making through another day. and the first few times, you believed him. but he was running out of things to stay and the words to admit that finding positivity in this world was getting harder, stay stuck in his head. morale is important in survival, and lee eun-hyuk wanted nothing more than for everyone to survive—maybe that's why he couldn't admit he was slowly losing hope, just like everyone else as time went on.
"we …" he starts, tapping his pen on the edge of the desk, racking his brain for an answer. if he's stressed, he doesn't show it, wiping at his glasses with the front of his shirt. "im not sure. let me ask you, instead."
"what do you have to be positive about?"
"don't deflect!" you laugh, yet your smile feels strained, and lee eun-hyuk is almost sure that he is looking too much into it—staring at you far too much.
but as the silence fills the air and he realizes you haven't spoken, eun-hyuk is entirely sure that you're both in the same boat.
"i … i don't know either." is your reply, and even if he would prefer to be alone, somehow eun-hyuk finds solace in being alone, with you.
you sigh as if you've given up, even though he's sure you're still thinking. you lean forward to lay your head against the desk, the flash of the monitors brightening your face. hair falls loosely in front of your eyes, and somewhere in the back of his head, in the delirious part of lee eun-hyuk's brain, he wishes to have you laying against him instead.
for a minute that's all you do, all you do is look up at him, as if it's the first time you've ever gotten the chance to. you study his features, the glasses that fall slightly when he looks down at you. your gaze falls into his eyes, and lee eun-hyuk thinks this would feel invasive, bothersome, if it were anyone else.
he wants to question why he's glad it's you.
the silence doesn't feel heavy, atleast, it doesn't to you. the silence feels comfortable, normal, and it's been so long since anything has ever felt normal that you find yourself getting lost in it.
after a bit of hesitation, he reaches across the gap, pushing your hair out of your face and behind your ear. eun-hyuk's lips form a tight line, as if he's debating whether any of this is okay, and for a second you think there's a hint of panic in his, normally calm, face.
he retracts, yet you raise your hand to stop him. eun-hyuk's hands are cold as your palm rests over the back of his. you sit tracing your thumb over the indents of his hand, paying no mind to his hands trembling slightly.
it stays quiet, dark eyes once widened in surprise now staring down at your hand on his. he hopes you don't notice his breath hitch as you wrap your hand around his.
"your hands are cold." you whisper, yet you don't let go. instead, you trace your thumb over the lines in his long fingers. your touches are careful, as if his hands were made of porcelain.
lee eun-hyuk has never been dealt with such care.
"they've always been that cold." he replies, forcing himself to look instead at the screen in front of him. desperately trying to ignore the way his chest jumps at your every move.
finally, your hands clasp his, fingers loosely intertwining and eun-hyuk nearly chokes. yet before he can say anything your head pops up, a sparkle in your eye he can't bring himself to look away from.
"i have an answer!" you smile, sitting up straight.
" … what is it?"
"im happy i get to hold your hand." your nose scrunches as you smile, proud of yourself. eun-hyuk laughs before he can stop himself, a full laugh, nothing like the breathy huffs of amusement you get every time you bother him. he makes you want to laugh too, but for some reason you can only look at him—watching with a small smile on your face.
eventually he stops, a puzzled, somewhat embarrassed look on his face when you don't laugh with him. eun-hyuk's brows furrow, his way of asking "what's wrong?" without actually having to say it out loud.
"i also made you laugh today, that's something too."
at that eun-hyuk huffs, looking back to watch the screen as you laugh to yourself.
"don't worry, i won't tell anyone." you whisper, pushing yourself up to leave the room, and lee eun-hyuk almost misses your hand in his. almost misses the warmth you provided. almost, he thinks to himself.
he smiles in response. as if no one's heard him laugh.
maybe next time you come visit he'll admit he wasn't struggling to answer—eun-hyuk finds positivity each day in being with you.