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Hitoka’s mother likes to say that life is a race. If it is, Hitoka’s place is on the sidelines. Some people just aren’t cut out to win, and pretending otherwise will only result in her getting hurt.
She does alright in school, because she can focus on studying, and university admissions are far enough in the future that she can ignore the terrifying prospect of being judged against her peers. But games, sports, any kind of contest - she avoids them as much as possible.
Which is why she never thought she would have anything to do with the volleyball club until the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen asks her to be its manager.
At first, it’s terrifying, but she grows to like the responsibility. She becomes fond of the boys. And she falls hard for Kiyoko.
Hitoka usually hates having crushes. She’s anxious and awkward enough without the extra butterflies in her stomach, and it’s not like she can act on her feelings for girls or even tell anyone about them. Her typical strategy is to ignore them, and avoid whoever they’re directed towards, until they fade away.
But she has to see Kiyoko all the time, and she finds herself savoring the rush of dopamine she gets whenever Kiyoko smiles at her or compliments her or laughs at something she said.
Maybe she likes you too, says a little voice in her head. She starts to get her hopes up. And then she realizes just how much competition she has.
~
“How am I supposed to play without my goddess to encourage me?” moans Tanaka. Kiyoko is sick and hasn’t been at practice for a few days. Although Hitoka isn’t outwardly moping about it, she’s as disappointed as he is.
Tsukishima rolls his eyes. “She ignores you whenever she’s here, so it doesn’t make a difference.”
“Her presence is inspirational!”
“Tanaka!” Daichi gives him a withering glare. “Any more whining and I’ll tell her not to come back for another week.”
“You wouldn’t do that, Daichi-san! I know you miss her too,” calls Nishinoya from the other side of the court.
To Hitoka’s surprise, Daichi’s cheeks flush - an uncharacteristic crack in his tough-guy-captain persona.
“If you all have the energy for this much chitchat, we aren’t working hard enough,” he shouts. “Three laps of flying falls!” Everyone groans but obediently hits the floor.
When they’re done, Yachi makes her way to Nishinoya, who somehow still has the energy to be practicing his bumps. The ball rises and falls with a mesmerizing regularity.
“Does Sawamura-san like Shimizu-senpai?” she asks.
He nods earnestly. “Just watch him when he’s talking to her. He does that thing-” he catches the ball with one hand and puts his other on the back of his head to demonstrate. “He only does that when he’s nervous.” Hitoka wonders if she’s that obvious.
“Suga too,” adds Kinoshita, who’s lying on the ground nearby.
“Hell, I bet even Tsukishima likes Kiyoko-san,” says Nishinoya.
“Who likes Kiyoko-san?” asks Tanaka from behind Hitoka. She turns around to see him staring at Nishinoya with a truly frightening expression - she jumps away and lets out a little squeak.
“Every guy in this school,” snorts Kinoshita.
“That’s fine,” Tanaka declares. “The sweetest victory comes after the hardest battle!”
“Having so much competition doesn’t scare you?” Hitoka asks.
“Love isn’t for cowards! Any man worthy of Kiyoko-san’s affection would undergo-”
“Daichi’s coming over!” hisses Nishinoya. “Quick, let’s practice!” He tosses to Tanaka, who spikes the ball into the ground a few centimeters from Kinoshita’s head, and the conversation is over.
Maybe Tanaka is right, Hitoka thinks. What makes her think she can pursue one of the most desirable girls in Karasuno? She can’t even call the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment (the last time she tried to, she panicked and hung up as soon as the receptionist answered).
By the time Kiyoko comes back, Hitoka has resolved to let go of her silly fantasies. She’ll admire Kiyoko without deluding herself that there could be anything between them.
She has everything under control. And then they go to nationals.
~
Hitoka is alone with Kiyoko. Alone and naked. Anxiety usually makes her nauseous, but contaminating the bathwater with her vomit would be so mortifying that she would pass away on the spot, so maybe she has some kind of survival instinct that’s keeping her stomach in check.
Kiyoko shifts, sending the water rippling outward. Maybe she’s enjoying the silence, but for Hitoka, it’s getting unbearable.
“Shimizu-senpai, you wear black tights even during summer, right? Doesn’t that get a bit too hot?”
So much for that survival instinct. Out of all the potential conversation topics, why did she pick Kiyoko’s uniform? And now Kiyoko will think that Hitoka has been looking at her legs. She has, but not in a creepy way. Or maybe it is creepy - what if she’s no better than the gross guys who ogle her?
Hitoka is babbling some inane excuse and making for the exit when Kiyoko grabs her wrist. The soft pressure of her fingers breaks her train of thought, and she realizes that Kiyoko is speaking.
“-cuts and bruises on my legs. So I would try to hide them, and before long, I’d just gotten used to wearing tights.”
“Cuts and bruises?”
“I used to do track and field, and my specialty was hurdles. I’m pretty sure I fell over more than anyone.”
“Hurdles… that’s so cool!” Hitoka has only known Kiyoko as a manager, someone who stays grounded so that others can fly. She wonders if she misses being in the air.
“They’re like battle scars!” Ugh - at this point, she should just tape her mouth shut.
Kiyoko laughs, closing her eyes and throwing back her head. Hitoka should be used to Kiyoko’s beauty by now, but at that moment, it catches her off guard: her spiky lashes, the curve of her throat, the wisps of hair sticking out in front of her ears and at the back of her neck. Hitoka has never wanted to touch someone so badly. It’s terrifying.
“Hitoka-chan…” Kiyoko’s eyes are open now, and staring directly into hers. She reaches out and takes Hitoka’s wrist again. “I really like you.”
This is too much. She can’t do this.
“That’s great!” Hitoka blurts out as she pulls her arm away and scrambles out of the bath, almost slipping on the slick tile. “I like talking to you too!”
She doesn’t look back as she grabs a towel and flees. She doesn’t want to see what Kiyoko’s face looks like right now, and she’s afraid that if she does, she’ll be tempted into going back.
~
The next few days are a whirlwind. Hitoka and Kiyoko don’t have time to focus on anything besides navigating the chaos of nationals. After that, everything seems normal: they work well together, and Kiyoko is still perfectly friendly. But Hitoka feels like she doesn’t laugh as much as she used to.
~
The invitation arrives five years later, on a rainy Saturday. The handwriting on the envelope looks familiar, Hitoka thinks as she slides her finger under the flap and pulls out the card.
She freezes.
A stamp with a pair of doves. A date, a location, and a deadline to RSVP. The names Tanaka Ryuunosuke and Shimizu Kiyoko, printed neatly side by side.
She hadn’t even known they were in a relationship.
Tanaka has a good heart. Hitoka likes him; she really does. She has no doubt that he’ll be the most devoted and adoring husband anyone could ask for.
This is how life goes, she reminds herself. The strong guy gets the girl he’s always wanted, and Villager B gets to be happy for them. She circles “will attend” and fills in her contact info, stuffing the card into the return envelope before the tears threatening to spill out of her eyes can soil the paper.