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There were few things Valkyrie hated as much as Skulduggery’s replacement cars. The Peppermint Car was even worse than the Canary Car. Not only did the colour make her want to vomit, but the designer had apparently tried to make the seats as uncomfortable as possible. And they had succeeded.
Valkyrie yawned and stretched, trying to ease the pain in her back. Her body never hurt after sleeping in the Bentley—but then the Bentley had been swallowed by a collapsing street two months ago. Valkyrie never mentioned it aloud, because it was probably insensitive, but of all the losses caused by the Desolation Engine blowing up the Sanctuary, losing the Bentley was close to being the worst.
She squinted through the windscreen. A house was across the street from them—more of a mansion, really—made of what looked like white marble. Neat. Not a blade of grass out of place on the front lawn.
“Where are we?”
Skulduggery didn’t even glance in her direction. “No ‘good morning, Skulduggery’? Or ‘did you have a good night, my dearest Skulduggery’? Where have your manners gone?”
“Haven’t seen them in years.”
“I thought so. In case you were wondering—”
“I wasn’t.”
“—my night has been good. And quite eventful.”
“I don’t care. Why aren’t we on the way to that city we were supposed to go to, what was the name again…?”
“Something came up. Plans changed.” Skulduggery stared straight ahead at the mansion. He didn’t look the least bit uncomfortable.
Valkyrie eyed the driver’s seat suspiciously. Maybe it was more comfortable than hers. “I’m hungry.”
“This is going to be better than food.”
“Nothing is better than food.”
“Your judgement appears to be clouded.”
Valkyrie sighed. “Okay, are we going to punch someone?”
He hesitated. “Not right away.”
“Then it’s not going to be better than food.”
“But we do have a lead on Davina Marr.”
Valkyrie sat upright. “We do?”
“We do.”
“Since when?”
“Last night.”
“Why do I only hear about that now?”
Skulduggery shrugged. “You were asleep.”
“You could have woken me up.”
“You would have been grumpy.”
She crossed her arms. “I’m grumpy now, too. Did you go punch someone without me?”
“… possibly.”
“Then I’m very grumpy.”
“I feared as much.” Skulduggery glanced at himself in the rear-view mirror. His face today was clean-shaven with grey eyes and narrow lips that were twisted into a grin. He tried to put a neutral expression on his face, but as soon as he looked away from the mirror, the grin was back. “Davina Marr happens to have a cousin who lives in Ireland.”
“That’s… Okay, I have to admit that’s quite a useful piece of information. You think the cousin is hiding her?”
“It’s a distinct possibility. The cousin—her name is April Fall—has taken great care to stay under the Sanctuary’s radar.”
“Are you kidding me? Her name is April Fall?”
“Yes.”
“‘Fall’ as in ‘autumn’?” Valkyrie snorted. “Now that’s a stupid name if ever I heard one. Doesn’t she know that April is in spring?”
Skulduggery tilted his head. “In the southern hemisphere, April is in autumn.”
“Yes, but she’s from the US, isn’t she? Last time I looked on a globe, the US was still in the northern hemisphere.”
“But it hasn’t always been. Maybe she’s just old. Maybe she took her name while North America was still in the southern hemisphere.”
“And when was that?”
Skulduggery shrugged. “About four hundred million years ago.”
Valkyrie scowled at him. “Told you. The name is stupid. So. Are we going to go in or aren’t we?”
“We are.” Skulduggery checked his reflection in the mirror again, then stepped out of the car. Valkyrie followed, grimacing at the sight of the peppermint-coloured coating.
They reached the front lawn. She elbowed Skulduggery in the ribs. “You’re still grinning.”
“Oh,” Skulduggery replied without changing his expression.
Valkyrie sighed and strode along the wide path that led to the entrance. They passed a golden gargoyle shaped like a life-size elephant.
“Davina Marr’s cousin is not very subtle about her wealth,” she said.
“This isn’t Marr’s cousin’s property.”
“It’s not? I thought that’s where we were going.”
“We were.”
“Then why aren’t we there?”
“Because we wanted to go here first.”
Valkyrie rolled her eyes. “And why did we want to go here first?”
“Because, despite my talent, it’s extremely unlikely we’ll get the truth out of April Fall.”
“Don’t we have Sensitives for something like that?”
“We do. But mental shields have become somewhat popular and I do not want to take any risks with this case. It’s too important.”
“So?”
“So what?”
“So why did we come here?”
Skulduggery angled his hat just right. “You’ll see.” Stopping in front of the ornate house door, he deactivated his façade and turned to face her.
“This is the house of Honoria Aletheia. I am about to give you advice about how to deal with her. It is important advice. Listen carefully and make sure you understand it.”
“Yes?”
“Hold your tongue.”
Valkyrie scowled at him and was about to retort something when the door opened. Honoria Aletheia was a slender woman with long blonde curls and a pretty face. She looked to be in her mid-thirties, though of course with sorcerers that meant nothing. She wore a noble blouse with shimmering stones and tight trousers made of silk.
“Skulduggery Pleasant,” she said, “I didn’t think I’d meet you again so soon.”
He tilted his head. “It’s been thirty years since the last time.”
“That’s what I meant. And you must be Valkyrie Cain. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Only good things, I hope,” Valkyrie said, disregarding Skulduggery’s advice.
“That depends,” Aletheia replied. She stepped aside to let Skulduggery and Valkyrie in, closing the door behind them.
They entered a living room that was almost as large as Valkyrie’s parents’ entire house. Black leather sofas and small crystal tables stood on a thick, ornately embroidered carpet, old-looking paintings hung on the walls, the transition between walls and ceiling was decorated with stucco and in one corner a fire crackled in a fireplace in which Valkyrie could easily have stood upright.
Aletheia motioned for them to sit down and settled on the sofa opposite. “So, to what do I owe the honour?”
Skulduggery took off his hat and placed it on his knee. “We need your help.”
“I’m not helping you.”
“I’m sure you will.”
Aletheia raised an eyebrow. “Well, if you say so, it must be true. But what makes you think that?”
“We weren’t planning on using your help for free, of course.”
“We weren’t?” asked Valkyrie.
Skulduggery didn’t even give her a glance. “Honoria, I think it would be best if you just ignored everything Valkyrie says.”
Valkyrie folded her arms. “I like you a tiny bit less than usual right now.” She frowned. Why had she said that? She had really only meant to say ‘I hate you.’
Skulduggery tilted his head at the angle that expressed amusement. “Interesting.” He looked at her for a moment, then turned back to Aletheia. “As I was saying, we would of course pay for your help.”
“With what?”
“With money. Lots of money. The Sanctuary—”
“I have no intention of lifting a finger for the Sanctuary. And doesn’t it look to you like I have enough money already?” Her arm made a sweeping motion across the room.
“Um...” Skulduggery adjusted his tie. “Yes, it does.”
“And yet you think you could pay me?”
For a moment it looked as if Skulduggery would deny her question, as if his normally eloquent words would get stuck in his throat—even though, of course, he had no throat they could get stuck in. But then he seemed to regain his composure.
“Everyone has something they would like to own.”
Aletheia smiled. “Beautifully put.”
“I, for one, would like my Bentley back, which is unfortunately still under repair,” Skulduggery continued, perhaps to make up for his previous lack of words.
“Me too,” Valkyrie agreed. “The Peppermint Car is horrible.”
Skulduggery turned his head towards her in surprise. “I always thought you were joking when you claimed my spare cars were ugly.”
“Are you crazy? All of your spare cars are ugly.”
“Oh.” He looked crestfallen. “Honoria, maybe you’re interested in something non-material? In knowledge? In a contract killing? A date?”
“Since when do we offer contract killings and dates?” asked Valkyrie.
Skulduggery ignored her and talked blithely on. “I may not be flesh and blood anymore, but I dare say I’d still be a catch. Maybe not everyone’s cup of tea, but... tastes differ, as we all know. Valkyrie here, for example, likes a vampire.”
Valkyrie jabbed an elbow into his side. “That’s true!” She paused. Where had the ‘not’ gone? She had meant to say ‘that’s not true’. She tried again. “I meant that’s true!” What was wrong with her mouth? She felt herself blushing under Skulduggery’s and Aletheia’s gaze. “What—”
“That’s what I thought,” Skulduggery said. “Valkyrie, Valkyrie... lies have short legs. I’ve never told you that before.” He fell silent for a moment. “I was actually going to say the opposite.”
Aletheia laughed.
“How can anyone stand to be in your presence?” Skulduggery asked.
“All of my friends manage to do that.”
“And how many friends do you have?”
“None, of course.”
“I don’t wonder why.” Skulduggery paused. “Sarcasm seems not to work.”
“I’ve realised.”
Valkyrie looked from one to the other and back again. “What the hell is going on?”
Aletheia just smiled. “Concerning your offers, Skulduggery... There are certainly things I would accept as payment. First tell me what you want me to do for you. Assuming you didn’t just need my help to get a confession out of your partner regarding her vampire?”
“Well… not only for the confession.”
Aletheia laughed again. “Skulduggery, Skulduggery. I didn’t think you could be this mean to your own partner. After all, from what I’ve heard, you care more about her than about anything else in the world. Is that true?”
“I... Valkyrie is...” He was adjusting his tie again, as if it was the reason the right words weren’t finding their way to his mouth. Valkyrie had never seen him struggle with words so much.
“Will you finally tell me what is going on here?”
“Do you want to tell her or shall I?” asked Aletheia.
Skulduggery sighed. “Alright. Honoria Aletheia’s magical discipline is the truth. It is impossible to lie in her presence. If you try to lie, you automatically tell the truth.”
Valkyrie glared at him. “And you’re telling me this now?! You could have pointed that out before!” If she had let anything slip about Darquesse...
“I told you to hold your tongue before we entered. See, duty done. After all, it’s not my fault if you don’t follow my advice.”
“You knew full well I wouldn’t follow that stupid advice!”
“I did,” he said, then realised he had agreed with her and winced. “Horrible, that ability. Valkyrie, let’s discuss this on the way back, shall we?”
“So you can lie to me again?”
Skulduggery moved his head to the side as if to shake it, but then nodded. “Horrible,” he muttered again.
Valkyrie crossed her arms. “And why exactly did you stammer like that just now? Why didn’t you just say that I am the most important person in the world to you and that you love me more than your life?”
Skulduggery was silent. Presumably he was trying to find a way to twist the truth so that it was just barely the truth. “I thought you were already sure of that,” he said at last.
“Say it, Skulduggery. I want to hear it from your mouth.”
“Do we really have to do this?”
“Yes.”
“Must it be here?”
“Yes, it must.”
“You can be quite stubborn.”
“I know.”
He sighed. “Well, then… Valkyrie, you are the most important person in the world to me and I love you more than my life. Satisfied?”
Valkyrie smiled and lowered her arms. “There you go. Wasn’t that hard, was it?”
“Sweet,” Aletheia said. “That information had been circulating for some time, but there’s certainly still some money to be made in confirming it beyond doubt.”
Valkyrie’s smile faded. So that was where Aletheia had all that money from. She wondered how many truths such a crystal table was worth.
Skulduggery cleared his throat. “Can we get back to business now?”
“I’d love to. Weren’t you going to tell me what you needed my help with?”
“No. First, we need to settle your payment. If we can agree on that, I will disclose our problem afterwards. And if we’re not willing to give what you want to have, then you won’t be able to sell the information to the person it concerns. I’m not sorry, but I can’t risk you alerting our target and us never having another chance to question them.”
“Information sharing is my business, Skulduggery. It’s on my terms. You will have to tell me what you want from me first, and then I will decide whether to help you. I will not cheat you.”
“One question,” Valkyrie interrupted. “Can you lie to us or not?”
“Of course not.”
“But you’d also say that if you could lie to us.”
Aletheia smiled. “Then why do you even ask?”
Skulduggery began to argue further with Aletheia, but Valkyrie had stopped listening. She had had an idea. An absolutely brilliant idea. If one automatically told the truth in Aletheia’s presence, then they wouldn’t need to question Marr’s cousin at all. Valkyrie would only have to say out loud ‘Davina Marr is in my bedroom’ or something like that, and since that was a lie, of course, her mouth would automatically say where Marr really was. She grinned. She was such a genius.
“We don’t know where Davina Marr is,” her mouth said. Oh. Skulduggery and Aletheia turned to her.
Aletheia pursed her lips. “Of course it must have something to do with Davina Marr.”
Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie dumbly. “Sorry,” she muttered, “I thought my mouth would tell us where she is.”
“My gift forces you to tell your truth, Valkyrie,” Aletheia explained. “However, it cannot show you the objective, universal truth. It will cost you a lot, by the way, if you want me to help you find Marr. I think what she did was good.”
“What?!” exclaimed Valkyrie.
Aletheia shrugged. “I’ve never liked the Sanctuary. So? Who do you want to question and need my presence to do so?”
Skulduggery said nothing for a moment, then apparently decided that it was too late for secrecy anyway. “Marr has a cousin who lives west of Dublin. Since no one else in her family lives in Europe and she hasn’t exactly been making a lot of friends lately, it stands to reason that she would have turned to this cousin. I want you to hide in a wardrobe or under a bed, so she doesn’t see you. If she knows you’re there, she won’t say anything.”
Aletheia nodded. “As I said, it’s going to be expensive. Both my time and the inconvenience of embarrassing myself by hiding under a bed.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to know which prison and which cell Dreylan Scarab is in.”
“No. We’re not allowed to tell you that.”
“Too bad. Then I guess I’ll find out how much Marr’s cousin is paying me for the information that you’re on her tail.”
Valkyrie jumped to her feet. “You’re cheating us?”
“Of course not. We haven’t made a deal yet, so I can’t possibly cheat you.”
“This... this is... this is blackmail!”
Aletheia’s smile showed her snow-white teeth. “I know. You have a lot to learn, child.”
“I’m not a child and I do let myself be blackmailed!” Valkyrie bristled. There had been another ‘not’ missing. “I let myself be blackmailed?”
Skulduggery plucked an invisible piece of fluff off his hat. “That surprises you? Yesterday you let yourself be blackmailed wonderfully when I said you had to shut up for five minutes or I wouldn’t buy you biscuits. Afterwards of course you talked all the more, but those were the best five minutes of my... the best five minutes of those five minutes.” He was silent for a moment, as if he wasn’t sure if what he had just said made any sense, then shrugged.
“See, the truth is you like it when I talk!” Valkyrie turned back to Aletheia. “All right, I may let myself be blackmailed. But Skulduggery can be blackmailed!” Valkyrie rolled her eyes. Once they were out of here, she would certainly say nothing but ‘not’ for five minutes straight to make up for all those swallowed ‘not’s. And those would be the best five minutes of her life.
“If I hadn’t let you blackmail me, you wouldn’t be my partner, would you? I only took you along because you threatened to stand on my hat.”
Valkyrie conceded defeat and slumped back on the sofa.
Aletheia cleared her throat. “Now that we’ve cleared that up... where is Dreylan Scarab?”
Valkyrie shook her head. “Not a chance!” The truth was, she didn’t even know, but she wasn’t about to share that information.
“Skulduggery?”
He was silent.
“You know that if you don’t tell me, you will lose your only lead to Marr.”
Skulduggery hesitated. “What do you want from Scarab?” he asked at last.
“I need something from him. I’ve been waiting two hundred years to get it, and in the few days he’s been free I haven’t been able to track him down.”
“What do you need from him?”
“I’m not going to tell you.”
“Are you going to release him?”
“That depends on whether he can give me what I want without my having to release him.”
Skulduggery said nothing.
Valkyrie looked from him to Aletheia and back again. “Please don’t tell me you’re considering this!”
“We have no choice, Valkyrie.”
“Scarab was going to kill eighty thousand people live on camera!”
“I have an excellent memory and I have an excellent recollection of what happened two months ago. And that includes Davina Marr razing the Sanctuary to the ground.”
Valkyrie just shook her head silently.
“Valkyrie, trust me. I wouldn’t do this unless I absolutely had to.”
She took a deep breath. “All right, then,” she said.
Aletheia clapped her hands together. “Excellent! Now, which prison?”
Skulduggery hesitated again. “They have… They have recently transferred him.” He paused. Aletheia said nothing, just waited for him to continue. “He’s in Snakes’ Pit now.”
“Is he?”
“Yes.”
“How fortunate for you.”
“Fortunate?” asked Valkyrie. “Why?”
Skulduggery turned to her. “Because it is said to be impossible to break out of Snakes’ Pit.”
Aletheia leaned back on the sofa. “Luckily, no one said anything about the possibility of breaking into Snakes’ Pit. And while I’m there, I might as well shatter people’s perceptions of what is possible. Tell me, Skulduggery, which cell is he in?”
Skulduggery looked miserable. His gaze was fixed on the hat on his knee. “I don’t know. But I can find out. Tonight, eight o’clock. Then we’ll go to Marr’s cousin’s house and I’ll tell you.”
Aletheia leaned forward in her chair and propped her elbows on her knees. “Skulduggery, are you planning to betray me?”
“What?”
“Are you planning to point out to someone that I asked for Scarab? Are you planning to have him transferred somewhere else? Are you planning to in some way ensure that I won’t get my part of our deal?”
“How would I—”
“Stop the counterquestions and answer yes or no.”
Skulduggery slumped his shoulders. “No.”
“Very well. Then we have a deal.” She stood up and shook Skulduggery’s hand. “Pleasure doing business with you.”
“The pleasure wasn’t all ours,” Valkyrie said sarcastically, then rolled her eyes as her ears perceived what her mouth had said. “Isn’t life without sarcasm boring?”
Aletheia laughed. “Don’t worry, watching people make a fool of themselves in front of me on a regular basis more than makes up for it. You’ll find the front door on your own, won’t you?”
Valkyrie followed Skulduggery to the exit and breathed a sigh of relief as the door slammed shut behind them.
“Not not not not not not not—”
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing.” She laughed. Oh, how she had missed the subtle, unimportant lies of normal conversation. “Come on, let’s go to your beautiful car. This one’s my favourite.”
Skulduggery tilted his head. “You are weird.”
“Yep.”
He activated his façade and she snorted. He had a moustache, the ends of which curled upwards in a perfect three-quarter circle. Of course he was grinning.
He raised an eyebrow, still grinning. “What is it?”
“Oh, nothing.” They crossed the street and got back into the car.
Skulduggery started the engine. “As for the vampire...”
She sighed. “He has a name.”
“He’s a vampire. He’s dangerous.” They pulled out onto the street.
“Caelan is not like the other vampires. Not all of them are bloodsucking monsters, you know.”
“Bloodsucking monster is the definition of vampire, Valkyrie. Whatever he told you, you can’t trust him. Stick with Fletcher, he’s obnoxious but at least he’s not dangerous.”
“Fletcher has nothing to do with this whole thing.”
“I thought he is your boyfriend.”
“He is.”
“And the vampire?”
“Isn’t. There’s nothing going on between Caelan and me, alright? I find him attractive, so what? That doesn’t mean anything. I find Aragorn attractive too, and I’m not dating him either.”
Skulduggery frowned. You could tell he hadn’t had much practice at it, because his cheeks moved strangely as he did so. “Aragorn isn’t real.”
“But it boils down to the same thing. I’m with Fletcher and nothing is going on apart from that.”
Skulduggery stopped at a red light. “Good.”
Valkyrie decided to change the topic before he could say anything else. “So what are we going to do about Aletheia?”
“Keep her in our hearts forever?”
Valkyrie rolled her eyes. “What are we going to do about her and Scarab? I know you had no intention of betraying her a few minutes ago, but now you can change your mind about that, can’t you? We can’t let her free Scarab.”
“Who said I wasn’t planning to betray her?”
Valkyrie stared at him, frowning. “Um... you. You said that, and you said it while she was in the same room.”
“Well, I guess I lied.”
“What?”
“I said, I guess I lied.” The light turned green and he started driving again.
“I got that, but... what?! How?”
“By not telling the truth.”
“Skulduggery...” She snatched the hat off his head. “Either you explain to me right now how you could lie to Aletheia, or I’ll box your hat.”
Skulduggery tilted his head. “I don’t let myself be blackmailed.”
“Oh yes you do. You said so yourself, and you said it while Aletheia was present!”
“You keep repeating yourself. I lied when I said you were able to blackmail me when you kidnapped my hat at Gordon’s place.”
“Then why did you take me along back then?” A smile spread across Valkyrie’s face. “Because you already sensed I was going to be a great partner and the most important person in your life?”
Skulduggery hesitated for a moment. “No, you’re right. I only took you because you blackmailed me.”
Valkyrie scowled at him. “Then answer my question now or I’ll box your hat. You have three seconds.” She held the hat in her left hand and clenched her right into a fist. “Three.”
“What question?”
“Two.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“One.”
“Ghastly made it for me!”
Valkyrie lashed out with her fist, but a sudden strong wind snatched the hat from her grasp so she only punched her own hand. The hat landed on Skulduggery’s head, at the perfect angle, of course. The car hadn’t even swerved slightly.
“Ouch,” she said.
“Don’t try that again.”
“Of course, that proves my point that you took me along because you liked me,” Valkyrie said, rubbing her hand. “Now are you going to tell me what it is about your lies and Aletheia or not?”
“I already told you that. I lied to Aletheia. They haven’t moved Scarab to Snakes’ Pit. But with the prison’s security, it will take her a while to realise that, and by then I can just claim that they’ve transferred him again. Or that I had been misinformed. I’ll come up with something.”
“She’s one of those people whose magic doesn’t work on brainless numbskulls, isn’t she?”
“While I do not endorse your wording, her magic does seem to only have an effect on people with brains, yes, similar to the magic of Myosotis.”
“Who?”
“Myosotis Terra.”
Valkyrie looked at him uncomprehendingly. Skulduggery sighed. “Not that important.”
“Does that mean you’ve just been pretending all this time that you can’t say what you want to say?”
“Yes.”
“So not only did you send me in there unprepared to make fun of me, but you did it knowing that I was the only one of us who couldn’t lie?”
“Yes. It was very funny.”
“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t. You might like me a tiny bit less than usual right now, but...” Skulduggery deftly dodged a fist that almost hit his ribs. “Now, now, you don’t usually get violent this quickly.”
“You just made me punch myself.”
“That was something else entirely. You had my hat as a hostage.”
“I… wait.” Another question had popped into her head. “Skulduggery... can I ask you something?”
“You already have.”
“And tell the truth, okay?”
“Always.”
Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.
“Almost always.” He shrugged.
“When you said I was the most important person in the world to you and you’d give your life for me, was that the truth?”
“Valkyrie, don’t be silly,” he said. “What would the world be without me?”
“Less annoying,” she mumbled.
“I didn’t quite get that. What did you say?”
“Admit how much I mean to you.”
“Okay. If you insist.” He cleared his throat. “Valkyrie—”
A phone rang. Skulduggery took it from his pocket and put it to his non-existent ear.
“Yes?—Good morning.—No, don’t worry, I have all the time in the world. What is it?”
Valkyrie slumped in her seat and grudgingly stared out of the window.