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Audrey Lim had been waiting for him, when he got out of work. Clay was happy about the surprise, he just hoped it was a good surprise. She tried to act normal, and he did believe that she was happy to see him. But since the last week, something had been off. And today it seemed even more so. Although Porter couldn’t put his finger on it exactly. They hadn’t known each other for too long, he couldn’t interpret that far off look, which he had seen a couple of times now. Maybe it was the aftermath of her surgery, that she was still in the process of finding herself again, to adjust to how life had changed drastically once again. He was happy to wait until she was ready to talk. Trying his best not to be too unsettled by her quietness from the last week. So, he leaned up to kiss her hello. That was something they both had to adjust to, the sudden difference in height. Not that he was complaining. It was just, she was tall. It was different, not bad different, just different different. It wasn’t a problem for him. He hoped it wasn’t a problem for her either. He tried not to be too worried, to be patient. Give her all the space and time. It was just very hard to not read anything into her quietness, the stares into nothingness. And now, her showing up unexpectedly, it made him nervous. Even his thoughts started to ramble. Because Porter knew something was going on, he just didn’t know what it could be.
“Listen, I, uh, I still have an errand to run. I figured you could come with me. But if you’re beat, I can drop you off at home and meet you later?” She told him, after they were settled in and ready to leave the parking lot. Audrey looked at him, waiting for his answer, before starting the car.
Clay still couldn’t read her face, or her voice. Something was off. Especially the way she said errand, as if it was a placeholder for something more significant. And he tried to play it cool, he really did, but he was worried. She had come all this way across town, to surprise him with a pick up from work, just to bring him home? Yeah, he doubted this was all that was going on. There was no way he’d let her be alone, if she offered him to come. He was always happy to spend time with her. No matter if she was in a good mood or in this tense state. “Nope. I’m fine. Work was relaxed today, I’m not tired. Let’s go.” He tried to keep his answer positive and not assume anything. There was this nagging feeling, that something bad was about to come. Audrey had been too distant. Especially this morning and now even more so. Her smile was forced. She made it really difficult for him to not jump on any conclusion. His stomach was in knots, he was beginning to fear the worst, but he swallowed the comments down. Knowing that making her talk would end this relationship sooner than he could try and explain his own doubts. No, he wouldn’t let his own insecurity come in between them. He’d wait her out.
So, they drove in silence. Clay figured, now was not the best time to play the guessing game of where she was taking him. He doubted she was in the mood for silly jokes. It seemed too serious for that. Whatever it was. As it turned out, it was a good thing he hadn’t tried to guess. He would have lost. Of all the places in San Jose, a cemetery wouldn’t even made it in his top one hundred guesses. He turned his head to her, waiting for some kind of reaction, explanation or any indication why they had come here. What he saw, made him swallow with dread. Audrey’s hands gripped the steering wheel, so hard her knuckles had turned white. As soon as she parked the car and let go of the wheel, he could see her shaking in her seat. Still clueless about what was going on, he decided to wait her out. Be as patient as he could be to give her the time she obviously needed to tell him what was going on. Since she had asked him to come, he figured she did want him here, but couldn’t tell him why yet. And that was okay. Without waiting for instructions, he started to depart the car, as she unbuckled herself.
Clay could see just how upset she truly was, once he got around the car and saw her leaning on her cane. Her hand grasping the handle as if it was her lifeline. There was a kind of terror written in her eyes, he had never seen in them before. She wasn’t scared. She was hurting. So much he understood in a few seconds.
Once she saw him ready to follow her, she turned into the direction they needed to go, giving him silent instructions with her head. Not saying a single word. They moved slowly on the concrete. The way that paved through the labyrinth that was this cemetery, seemed long and short at the same time. Clay looked straight ahead, focusing on the way, that wasn’t really wheelchair friendly. He was waiting her out, not daring to ask any questions now. He was afraid what that would do to her. Audrey looked so fragile. And even if he’d like to hug her then and there, he could also see she came here with a purpose, so he didn’t want to intercept that. If Porter was being honest, he was afraid of the answers as well. She was struggling with her own demos. The fact that she let him see this battle, was something he was grateful for. As macabre as it sounded, it meant she wasn’t shutting him out. That she was trying to give this relationship a try. Whatever she’d tell him now, it hadn’t to do with them. Something that put his own heart at ease. And yes, he knew that was a selfish thought to have. But well, he was still utterly in the dark about why they were here. He was happy to rule something out.
Lim slowed down and very gently came to a halt in front of a grave. A simple grave, just a headstone. No flowers. No nothing. She took a deep breath, before she turned to him, tears clouding her eyes. It took her a couple of tries, before she was able to rasp out “This was my other life. He’s right there.”
Porter didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing. And turned to the grave again. Reading the name again. He had never heard Audrey say it, but for some reason the name was familiar, like he heard or read it before, but he couldn’t place it. Looking at Audrey again he realised, it didn’t matter in the moment. He was more worried about the connection the person held to his girlfriend. Lim didn’t need to explain any more. The sorrow and grief were written all over her face. They let him know more than words could. It didn’t matter who this man was. It was simple, really, he was important to Audrey. Important in a way, he was just starting to understand. Then his eyes fell on the date of death. Just to be sure, he took out his phone and compared it. And it was another punch it the gut. Today was the anniversary of his death. And it was only the third. Clay’s heart grew heavy in that very moment. This had been on her mind the whole week and she hadn’t been able to tell him. But she brought him with her today. He knew he couldn’t screw this up now. On this day, three years ago, a part of his girlfriend died too, that he understood within seconds. The fact that he hadn’t even known about the gist made him feel sick, but this wasn’t about him. So, he tried to be here for her now. To let her know, he’d be by her side her in any way she wanted him to. Clay took her free hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed it softly, before taking it and intertwining their fingers. Trying his best to give her some support. Looking up at her, letting her see how much he was hurting for her in that moment. Not hiding that he was worried about what was going on, either. A tear fell from her face, which she ignored, but Audrey gave him a soft smile, before she lowered herself awkwardly to the ground and sat down in front of the headstone. Clay bit his tongue. Telling her, that mere months after her back surgery wasn’t the time to sit on the earth like this, wouldn’t be the wisest move. Her back would be fine, he’d make sure of that later. Once again, he waited until she was ready to say more. The quiet started to become part of them today, which both had accepted. After a while, Audrey tore her eyes away from the gravestone and looked up at her boyfriend. Sje found the reassurance she needed to start talking.
“Melendez and I, we were residents together. Competitive to the core. Like you wouldn’t believe. Everything was a fight. But we respected each other. He was one of the few, who didn’t care that I am a woman or of colour. To him I was a threat. And I preferred it that way, really. Once we began to specialize, our competition started to get a bit better, healthier. With me in the ER and him being a cardiothoracic surgeon, it was easier to back each other up, you know? We weren’t fighting for the same cases anymore, but for the same causes. And our respect grew into a friendship. We were there for each other after gruelling shifts. We never really talked a lot, we didn’t need to do that. This wasn’t how we worked. After I signed my divorce papers, he didn’t give me pitying looks. He just brought me food, made sure I ate. After his ex called off their engagement, I supplied him with enough whiskey. Best friends, who didn’t need to have a heart-to-heart conversation to know what was going on with the other.” Audrey started explaining, picking out random facts. How do you even begin to talk about someone who had been always there, a constant in your life for over a decade? Whom you shared so much history with that it still impacted you to this day?
Clay could see that she was struggling to go on, but that the silence weighted heavy on her, as well. So, he tried to help, but he wasn’t sure what to say.
“Dr. Melendez? Now, I think I know why the name sounds familiar. I’m sorry, it took me so long. He died in the earthquake, right?” It had been all over the news back then and they had talked about it at work a lot. After all, even without knowing him personally, he had been a colleague who had given his life saving a patient. The ultimate sacrifice in their job.
“Yeah.” Lim answered with a rough voice. “But he didn’t die during the earthquake. He operated on site. Saved a woman’s life. And… I couldn’t save his.” She looked up at Clay again, waiting for him to be shocked or appalled, but all she got was an expecting look. Waiting for her to give him context before he’d comment. “Melendez and a couple others from the hospital were there for an event. As guests, before it happened. As soon as I heard, I had called him. He had been my first thought. He told me he was fine. And I believed him. Because I wanted him to be fine. I didn’t see him on site. I was responsible for the response. And since Glassman was fine, I figured Neil was too. Once I got back to the hospital, Claire, gosh I haven’t even told you about her yet either, have I? Anyway, she handed me his screens. He had collapsed on site and I hadn’t even been told. When I saw the imaging, I just knew, Clay. I knew he wasn’t going to make it. But still, we rushed him into the OR. But I, I wasn’t enough. I failed him. I wanted to do a second surgery. But I was overruled. I’m a trauma surgeon. And I couldn’t fix the trauma of one of the most important people in my life. If not the most important one at that time. He knew he wasn’t going to make it. And we said goodbye. And he told me, not to blame myself. Can you imagine? He comforted me. When he should have been mad that I failed him.”
Clay put his hand on her shoulder, waiting until she looked up, before he said anything. While wiping her tears away with his thumb, he looked at her, his eyes filled with his own tears. He was hurting for her. And it took Audrey aback. This wasn’t a reaction she had thought she’d get. “Audrey, he was a doctor. It was his decision not to get checked out. This is not on you. He saw the scans. And I’m sure, he knew you did everything you could. I’m sure he was being honest with you.”
Lim took in what he was saying, but she knew he wasn’t impartial. After all, this was a man who proposed to her, just so she wouldn’t go into surgery worrying about her relationship. He’d do everything to make her feel better. She took his hand and, with a heavy sigh, continued. “We, we weren’t just talking about his surgery. At this point I was also his ex-girlfriend.” Again, Audrey had expected Clay to pull away, be shocked or mad that she hadn’t told him, but all she got was a squeeze of hand. His attention was on her, waiting for her to share what she wanted to. “I don’t know when my feelings changed for him. I want to say it was after my divorce, when the truth is, I really can’t tell. I never liked feelings much. They make you so vulnerable and make things messy. And for a perfectionist like me, it was always easier to keep one foot out of the door, you know? Once marriage got hard, instead of fighting, suggesting counselling, anything, I took the easy way out. And convinced myself that whatever feels real, it’s not. It’ll break at some point. And one-night stands were just so much easier than dating or even the prospect of a relationship. I focused on my career, and it made me happy. It did. Probably, because all the time, there were feelings for Neil. And I saw him at work and we teased each other and it was enough. But then, well, I don’t know. After his engagement was called off, the teasing changed. We hung out more again. And then we were in competition for the Chief position.” Lim’s voice had grown stoic now, as if she was reciting a book. She didn’t know a different way to make it through otherwise, she had to distance herself a bit. “And the competition from our residency was back. I, I’ll tell you about me threatening him to castrate him another time. Anyway, long story short, Andrews played us. Neither of us got it. We got drunk and I don’t know, the alcohol made me do what I somehow had wanted to do for a long time. I tried to play it off as a one-night stand. We fought, things happened, and, and I admitted that I did have feelings for him. And honestly, it was great. Really great. I was happy. I’d like to think he was too. But then, I got promoted. I became chief. His chief. And I couldn’t make it work. The relationship and being his boss. There’s more to it, but if I tell you all that now, I won’t be able to get up later and we’d be here the whole night. I broke it off and he didn’t fight it. I put my aspirations over our relationship. I didn’t regret it at that point. I still don’t regret following my dream. What I regret is how things between turned out. Neither of us was truly happy with how things were going, we were cordial at work but never had the guts to really figure out where we stood. And then he died. He just died and I lost everything. My best friend and the man I would have married. Because if we had stayed together that was where we were headed. Marriage was important to him. I would have been fine even, with having kids. Because I knew he wanted them. After all, by the time we’d came to that, I would have had the chance to follow my dreams and make room for his. And he would have been a great dad. He deserved to be a father. But he just died. And all I could do was watch. I couldn’t save him. Couldn’t give him the life he had wanted. Even if we hadn’t gotten back together or hadn’t been able to make it work. I couldn’t give him the chance to live those dreams. With whomever he wanted.” Audrey turned to Clay now and hid her face in legs, her tears were soaked up by the fabric of his pants, her hands were grasping his legs with force. Letting the pain out.
Clay stroked her hair gently, while his heart was breaking for her. All this time, she had kept such pain from him. Had to suffer alone. It hurt him. Her pain hurt him. Especially, because he couldn’t make it better. There were no words, there was no treatment. She was grieving a best friend and a lover. Someone she had a backstory with. And who was he to try and make it better? All they had were a mere couple of months. That didn’t compare, couldn’t compare. He couldn’t know how she was hurting. Therefore, he couldn’t help her. And that made him hurt. He wanted to make her happy, make her smile. Or at least support her through this. But he didn’t know how. All he could do was respect what she had shared with him. He could acknowledge that he couldn’t help her the way he wanted to, still he could be right by her side.
They stayed like this for a long time. Too long for his liking, there was no way her back would forgive her easily for sitting like this, if she sat on the ground much longer. Clay was contemplating how to break the silence, to ask her to get up from the cold ground, to tell her, they could talk about this in the car. He didn’t want to hover, but he was really worried about her getting back up. At the same time, he didn’t want to rush her. Knowing these days were curtail for the long-term grieving process. He was still trying to find the right approach, when Audrey continued talking, her voice muffled by his pants. “And then the pandemic hit. I didn’t have time to grieve him. At first, I was busy looking after Claire, then patients died. So many patients I couldn’t save either. It made me sick. I know you know about my PTSD, and I let you assume it’s from the stabbing. Which is part of the truth, but not the whole truth. I got it back then. That’s a whole different story as well. Point is, he impacted me, like no other person has in my life. In so many ways. I, I wanted to you to know. After all you’ve done for me, you deserved to know.” She whispered the last part. Hating this vulnerability that came with every time she spoke about Neil. Introducing Neil to Clay. A man who had manged, within in months, to become so important to her that she was afraid to lose him. It was a lot. It was hard. But, it was important to her, for him to know. So, she could talk about Melendez and her old life. It had surprised her, but it was the truth. She didn’t want to tiptoe around her words or keep the memories to herself. She wanted to share them, with him. She also felt Clay deserved to know, to have full disclosure. To know what he was getting himself into.
Clay smiled at her, a soft and sad smile. Wordlessly thanking her for her trust, for opening up like this. Letting Audrey know they were fine. They could talk about everything. This didn’t change a thing between them.
He did look at her pleadingly to get up, though. Indicating he was worried about her back, without saying so. Audrey nodded and concentrated on getting up, slowly. Making sure to not cause her body any more harm. It took her some time and she hated how helpless she felt. Clay was the only person she allowed to see her like this. He didn’t care, he just held her cane until she needed it. Supported her arm, when he saw her struggling. Once she was standing again, instead of leaning on her cane, she grabbed Clay’s shoulder, needing his warmth right now. That was when she noticed that he had moved his wheelchair closer to the grave. His hand was on the headstone. Whispering something. He was asking for her hand. Not in the patriarchal sense of way. Audrey also doubted it was even in the marriage kind of way. No, it sounded more like, he was asking to be allowed to take this place by her side, to be there for her now. Be in the other life, the life she was leading without Melendez that allowed her to be happy, even after everything that had happened.
And all Lim could do was stand there and watch. Her hand between her past and, what she hoped to be, her future. Clay was being more in this situation than she had could have wanted. He wasn’t only understanding, he also respected everything she had told him. Respected her relationship with Neil, everything it implied. He understood that Neil wasn’t a threat to their relationship, but an important part of her. She grabbed his left hand. Trying to show him, what his reaction meant to her.
And suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a white butterfly, landing for just a moment on the headstone, before continuing its journey. It was small and short moment, but it was enough. For all of them to know it was going to be okay. It let Audrey breathe a bit easier again and allowed her to smile through her tears. Being here with Clay was proof that life was unimaginably hard at times and could drag you down, but you could be happy again - all the wounds and scars withstanding.
Dawn had started to set as they made their way back to Lim’s car. Once again in silence. Both of them using this time to get their emotions back in order. Reflect on what had just happened. It had been a lot. And a huge step in their relationship.
During the drive back, they were lost in their own thoughts. The only time they talked was to agree to get take-out. The silence ran through dinner. They decided on an early bedtime, without saying a lot. The silence wasn’t that comfortable, but it was safe.
Only, when they were tugged in and ready to sleep, did Clay dare to speak again. Somehow, in bed, with the blankets over them and Audrey tugged into his side, it felt like the right time. “Thank you for taking me today and for sharing this with me.” He kissed her head for emphasis, letting her know, she didn’t need to respond if she didn’t want to.
“Thank you for listening. The truth is, tough, I didn’t plan on telling you any of this.” Audrey answered honestly, playing with the hem of his t-shirt. Once she felt him stiffen at her words, she looked up and searched for his eyes before she elaborated. “No, don’t go there. This was not what I meant. When I told you, I never took the time to grieve Neil, I meant it. At first, there wasn’t time and then it got harder and harder. I had learned to live without him by then, so why acknowledge that he is truly gone? That we won’t sort our problems out. That there won’t be another shared whiskey. To feel the pain of losing my best friend. To grieve a future, I won’t have. To feel awful for being grateful that we weren’t a couple anymore at that point he died, because I can’t imagine how much more it would have hurt had we been living together or anything more. Those thoughts are unbearable at times. So, I pushed them away. My therapist was on my case to deal with them, but I always found a reason, why I didn’t have to deal with it. Him, our history, the grief. Everything. I was running out of excuses, and I knew the moment to face it was coming. Still, I tried to push it away. Told myself, I was living my dream as chief. That the job was all that mattered. Tried to be sassy about it. But at Lea and Shaun’s wedding I felt this hole it had left. I missed the happiness they share, in my own life. That evening, I acknowledged it for the first time. That maybe, I wasn’t as happy as I tried to convince myself. That maybe I wanted something else out of life. Not that I’m saying, I’m not happy with where I am with my career. I just started to think that maybe a private life was an option again. To have someone to share life with. And then everything changed. And for the first time since his death, I was so busy with something else, that I didn’t need to find reasons why I couldn’t handle his loss. Because there my own life was at stake. I didn’t have the energy to think about anything else than surviving, because I was barely able to do that. To make it through another day. I focused on myself. To learn to look at myself in the mirror and accept who I was now. But there was so much anger. I just wanted to get back to normal. Wanted to get better, prove myself, and everyone, I could do this. And I made it through the first three months. Came back to life. But then I couldn’t ignore that the life I knew, was gone. First, I started to think about everything that was going on, as before and after. Before it happened and after. Then as I learned to live with it as my old and new life. And I felt like, maybe this was the chance to leave it all behind me. Take it as a chance. Start this new life, without the baggage of the past. That’s why I haven’t told you about the Ducati or how much I know about comics. You are part of my new life. I like this one. A lot. I don’t want to go back. Don’t want to erase everything that has happened, not anymore. In some ways I’m happier now than I have been in a long time. Realising that, it felt like I could leave behind a lot of pain from the old life, too. If that makes sense. I didn’t want to keep it from you exactly. I just figured focusing on the now, and maybe the future, was more important. But then today started creeping up and I noticed, I couldn’t hide it from you. And I didn’t want to. I wanted to let you know, or at least tell you, why I needed some time to myself, why I was quiet and lost in thoughts. And then I noticed, just because I want to leave that life behind, I can’t. It has shaped me; it has made me into who I am to some extent. Neil has played a huge part in my life. He has shaped me, losing him has shaped me. To deal with my PTSD, for example, I started go running. And once I was in the chair, this coping mechanism was taken from me. I’m still trying to find a way to cope, when this feeling of unsettlement is creeping up within me. You deserve to know all of this. So, you know what you’re signing up for. Especially, if we’re ever going to talk about the ring, that keeps showing up here and there.”
“Ah, so you haven’t forgotten about it.” Clay teased and leaned in to give her a short kiss, to let her know it was fine. They were fine. They hadn’t talked about the proposal again. Once she had woken up, it just wasn’t important. They focused on getting her back on her feet, finding their new normal again. He figured, she would mention it, when she was ready. He didn’t have anything else to say about the matter anyhow. He had however, placed the box on her dresser. As a reminder, letting her know where he stood.
“No. Certainly not. But well, there was, and is, so much you don’t know about me. It doesn’t feel right, to make you agree to a future, when you don’t know what you are in for exactly.” Lim answered, biting her lip, before kissing him again. Needing this kind of reassurance. It felt amazing to get it. To have found someone she could be herself with, who could read her so easily, but didn’t make a big deal out of it. And was happy to be around her, no matter what was going on. Someone, who didn’t expect a thing but took about every single thing she offered him. He had done so much for her, she still felt like it was a poor exchange on his part. So sometimes she needed those kisses to know it was real. She truly had gotten this lucky by finding Clay. Or him finding her. Whatever.
“I get that. And I’m not saying we need to get married right now. I’m fine with a long engagement or no engagement at all. I just, I didn’t know a better way to show you I’m all in. And this is still true. If you look at this ring and know that, then I’m fine. You don’t need to say anything. We don’t need to define it. What I want to say tough, yes, your past is a part of you. But it doesn’t matter whether I know every single detail or not. If you want to leave it behind you, I get it and support it. And we don’t have to talk about it. You are right it has shaped you. The thing is, I have gotten to know you, the you, you are with all these experiences that have shaped you. That is the person who intrigued me the first time we met and the person I fell in love with. Anything short of murder and rape and I don’t care about your past. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about every detail you share with me. But I’m also okay, if you are done with it and we move on and I only learn things about your new life. I’m grateful you want me to be here. That is enough for me. More than enough. We have enough time to figure everything out.” He responded, kissing her forehead, hugging her as tight as he could with one arm.
Audrey looked up at him and smiled. Truly smiled, relieved that he understood her so well. She wasn’t sure, how their future would look like. But she knew they had a future. And they could talk about everything. She wasn’t ready for the ring yet. This kind of commitment was something that still scared her. But she could keep showing up, tell him about memoires. They could build a life together, even if it would take a lot of baby-steps. And maybe many, many baby-steps in the future, she’d might even wear the ring and say yes.