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Seungmin had never doubted his relationship with his group.
They were all close, especially after what they’d been through together, and it was impossible for him to confidently say he didn’t consider them his best friends.
That didn’t change the fact that sometimes he felt like the odd one out.
The others were all in duos or trios that all worked together so well, but he was never included in those. Even Lee Know was included more than he was.
It wasn’t something that actively bothered him. Shit, he barely even noticed it most days, but with their newest series, it was getting more and more obvious.
This new series, Kids Room as their staff decided to call it, made it so that they all had to try and get picked by each member. In retrospect it shouldn’t have been that hard to suck up to any of them, but for some reason he kept getting eliminated.
It was such a stupid thing to get upset about since he’s never been the type to be insecure about that sort of thing. He’s always been fine with being the one off to the side, but it felt different this time.
They had just finished filming Chan’s section when the insecurities started creeping up on him.
Even as he hears that both Changbin and Jisung wanted to have picked him, it doesn’t help the strange ache in his chest knowing that they couldn’t pick him out in a group of people. Granted, he’s certain he’d have just as difficult of a time, but it still makes him upset.
When he’s once again eliminated by Felix, he isn’t sure how his round is supposed to go anymore.
No one had kept him and no one knew it was him when he’d answered.
He felt oddly vulnerable during his recording.
It’s awkward when he gets paired with Changbin. He makes a joke about Changbin not being his soulmate like the others had been saying when they met their pair, trying to brush off how much this entire recording had hurt him. He sees the concerned look that Changbin sends his way before he’s teasing back.
The director gives them the all clear for the night and Seungmin breathes a sigh of relief. He just wants to go home and go to bed, away from these self-deprecating thoughts that were starting to eat at him.
While they’re changing and packing up, he can feel the rest of the members glancing at him from time to time. He was known to be quiet when they finished recordings, but never this quiet. He knew it was suspicious, but he couldn’t think of anything he wanted more than just to go home.
They pile in the van and Chan decides that it’s the perfect time to interrogate him.
“How was filming, everyone?” He asks, “Did you have fun, Seungmin-ah?”
He hums quietly, “Yeah, it was alright, hyung.”
He misses the way all of them frown at each other at the clipped response.
Seungmin usually loved filming the ‘Kid’s Room’ series. They normally were fun and left him giddy, eager to learn about what the other members talked about. Now, though, he was quiet and subdued.
He didn’t even spare Felix a glance as the older boy laid his head on Seungmin’s shoulder.
When they get back to the dorms, he’s the first one inside and by the time the others file through the front door, his door is clicking shut.
He hears them talking about him. He knows they’re concerned and that they’ll probably send Felix or Jeongin to talk to him soon enough, but he ignores them. Changing into his own clothes, he pulls headphones on.
Usually he tried to avoid music when he was overly emotional, something about Pavlov, but he needed a distraction. It’s a classical piece, Chopin he thinks, that greets him when he turns his spotify on. Music without words was his preferred genre, especially classical. It was incredible how composers could put such raw emotion into something without verbally explaining those emotions and right now that’s exactly what he needed.
He ignores the calls when it’s time for dinner and once again when Jeongin knocks on his door asking if he wants to watch a movie. He stays curled in his bed, back facing his door in case someone comes in.
He doesn’t remember falling asleep.
Seungmin finds himself pulling away from his group in the following days.
They try to get him to talk, but only receive short, quiet answers. He hears Chan compare it to when they had all first met, before the survival show. Before Seungmin had opened up to them and trusted them.
Trust is one of the most important things to him. They were quick to learn that back in 2017 and it wasn’t something he gave out easily. He was blunt when he’d told Jisung that the only reason he’d accepted Chan’s proposal was so that he’d have a higher chance of debuting. It had taken them far too long to gain his trust and it wasn’t even until early 2019 that he felt he could completely and blindly trust them.
Maybe that was the reason he wasn’t as close with the others. Maybe they thought he still didn’t trust them or that they felt pushed away by him.
He lets out a sigh as he slides down the mirror, their choreographer calling for a break as he was called for a quick meeting by the higher-ups.
He pulls out his phone and opens his twitter, a burner of course. He likes interacting with Stay, he always had despite the somewhat cold exterior he puts up, but sometimes they were a little too observant for his liking.
Don’t you think Seungmin was a little desperate during Kids Room?
yeah… it honestly was kind of sad…
LOL maybe hes finally realizing that the others just get along better
he’s always been left out of everything since the survival show it makes me feel bad for him
maybe the other members just dont like him LOL
That comment made his heart drop so fast, he felt himself get dizzy. Maybe the other members just don’t like me. That couldn’t be true. Just because he wasn’t as close with them doesn’t mean they didn’t like him… right?
He resigns to start observing how they act around him. He even goes as far as to read through past texts between them all.
His heart sinks further and further when he realizes just how much he’s been left out of things.
They never really invited him to things unless he asked to go or other members weren’t available. No one ever came to his room when they were upset or wanted to be around someone.
The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he’s also left out of physical affection too. The members had no issue hanging off of each other, even Jeongin who tried to pretend he hated it, but when it came to Seungmin, they just didn’t even try.
He pulls away from them even further.
Chan’s comment about him acting like he used to during the survival show becomes more and more true as the weeks pass.
He doesn’t talk to them unless he absolutely needs to. He doesn’t eat with them unless they specifically ask, and even then he tends to turn them down with a lie of not being hungry slipping off his tongue.
He does his part for the camera and then shuts them out the second the lights are off.
It kills him.
He’s losing weight and sleep alike.
The comments from Stay don’t make things better.
He keeps track of them, as many as he can find, that talk about how he’s always the odd one out. They span from the survival show all the way up until the most recent video they’d released.
Some were rather harmless, Stay being concerned about him being left out or his recent weight loss and attitude, but others hurt. People claiming that Stray Kids would be better without him, especially since he couldn’t even seem to trust his own group mates.
Those ones hurt the most.
He never wanted to be so untrustworthy.
It wasn’t like he’d had someone betray him and make him terrified of opening up to people, it was just how he was born.
Chan gets mad at him at one point.
It was after a draining practice and Seungmin knows it’s because Chan had been at his wits end, but it didn’t make anything better.
Seungmin had been having a particularly bad day with the choreography and kept missing steps and beats. He could feel everyone getting frustrated with him and it makes him feel impossibly small.
Eventually, after the choreographer had left for the day, it was just the eight of them and Chan blows up at him.
“Seungmin, it really isn’t that hard. What is wrong with you today?!” Chan’s voice makes him flinch.
Rarely does Chan ever use that voice especially directed towards any of them.
“I’m-I’m sorry… I don’t know-” He stutters out, head hung in shame.
“I don’t know what’s been up with you recently, but you need to get your shit together.” Chan says coldly.
His words come out colder than expected, “Right. Since I’m only dragging this group down.”
He hadn’t meant to actually say those words aloud, but it had slipped out and he could feel the shift it brought in the room.
Everyone froze, eyes turned towards the two as Seungmin realized his mistake.
“Seungmin-” Felix starts.
He can only look at Chan, his eyes wide and chest stuttering with panic.
Chan opens his mouth, most likely to apologise, but he never gets the chance.
Seungmin is turning on his heel and fleeing the room faster than any of them can comprehend.
He ignores the calls of his name and all but runs down the hallway, desperate to be away from them.
He doesn’t pay attention to where he’s going, but he knows he’s on another floor and in a practice room that isn’t one he recognizes. He finally allows himself the chance to breathe when the door shuts behind him.
Tears well up in his eyes as he thinks about the events that landed him here, but he forces them down. He won’t cry over this. Crying is a good thing, especially when overwhelmed with emotion, but he won’t let himself cry over something like this.
Instead, he hooks his phone up to the speaker system and continues his practice alone.
He starts by singing, belting out the lyrics to their songs.
Singing had always been his safe space, his refuge when things got too much. It was the same relationship that Lee Know had with dance and that 3Racha had with song writing. He was just never as vocal about his love for singing as the rest of the group.
He sings till his throat hurts and his voice cracks on each note, then he switches to running through every bit of choreography he can think of.
Time slips past him and he has half the mind to check his phone, hours later while he’s lying with his back against the cool floor. He can feel the sweat drying on him, but for once it doesn’t bother him.
When he clicks his phone on, he almost jumps out of his own skin when the time reads 2:31am .
He’d been there for hours and his group had no idea where he was.
There were texts from their group chat, and from each individual member with the latest one being from Chan telling him to come home soon from an hour ago.
It’s silent as he cleans the practice room up and leaves. He quickly realizes that he’d somehow made his way to GOT7’s floor and that there were definitely still other people here besides him.
Just as he’s about to duck for cover, all of GOT7 rounds the corner, seemingly on their way to the elevators to go home after a late night rehearsal.
All eight of them freeze when they see each other and under any other circumstance, Seungmin would have found this hilarious.
However, he knows he looks like shit and that he isn’t technically supposed to be here. He knows his face is still flushed and his legs are still shaking from dancing for so long and he knows that his hyungs can definitely see the bags under his eyes and the way his clothes hang off his body. Adding with the obvious concern from the group’s two youngest members, Seungmin knows Chan told the older group to keep an eye out for him.
He quickly snaps out of his trance and bows slightly to greet them, “Sunba-”
“What are you still doing here, Seungmin?” Jackson interrupts, a frown on his face.
“I- uh-” He tries to not feel intimidated under their stares, “I was practicing and lost track of time, I’m sorry.”
“On our floor? Stray Kids went home hours ago, didn’t they?” Mark asks, but the second question isn’t aimed at Seungmin.
Jay B nods, “They did, Chan texted. Seungmin, why were you on our floor?”
Realistically, he knows them. They’re Chan’s friends and the group he was originally supposed to debut with. Stray Kids has met them on multiple occasions and Seungmin really shouldn’t be as intimidated or overwhelmed by them as he is. But he can’t seem to stop the rush of tears that fill his eyes suddenly.
He watches as varying looks of concern and horror wash over his seniors’ faces at his tears, but he can do nothing other than try to muffle his sobs. He hears them all rush to his side and try to calm him down while Bam Bam pulls his phone out.
The realization that Bam Bam is going to call Chan makes him freak out more, trying to beg Bam Bam not to call his leader through his sobs.
“Okay, it’s okay Seungmin,” Bam Bam says, putting his phone away slowly, “I won’t call Chan, alright?”
“Kid, I need you to calm down,” Jackson carefully places a hand on Seungmin’s shoulder.
He wants to laugh at how awkward his seniors are when faced with a crying twenty year old.
It takes longer than he would have liked, but eventually his tears slow until he’s left quietly sniffling and hiccuping like a kid. If he hadn't met GOT7 before, this would have been enough motivation for him to end his contract with JYP and leave the country. Luckily, the humiliation is slightly more bearable and he wipes his face of any remaining tears and forces himself to take a deep breath.
“Better?” Jay B asks when Seungmin finally lifts his head.
He nods slightly, “Ye-yeah… I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“Don’t mention it, we’re more worried about why you didn’t want us to call Channie,” Bam Bam says.
Seungmin tenses up slightly and all of them notice it.
“Did something happen between you guys?” Mark presses.
“Sort of…?” He mumbles, “He got mad at me because I kept messing the choreo up and I said something without thinking.”
“What did you say if you don’t mind me asking? He didn’t seem that upset when he messaged,” Yugyeom sounds so calm compared to his members.
“I sort of said I shouldn’t be in Stray Kids?” It sounds stupid saying it out loud without any context.
The looks he receives tell him that they don’t feel the same.
“Why shouldn’t you be in Stray Kids?” Bam Bam asks, sounding genuinely upset at Seungmin’s words.
“He’s worried about you,” Jay B says suddenly, placing a hand on Bam Bam’s shoulder, “Honestly. He messaged me last week asking what I do when these guys get too far in their own heads and based on this, I can only assume he was talking about you.
“What’s going on, Seungmin?”
He hesitates before sighing, “I just- It’s-”
He stops mid sentence and takes a moment to think about how he wants to say anything. Or even if he wants to tell them.
“Do you ever realize that you don’t fit in as much as you thought?” Is what he finally settles on.
“Like… you don’t fit in within Stray Kids?” Jinyoung asks.
He nods, “I thought it was fine that I was always left out of things, but I didn’t realize how little I was a part of the group. It’s… lonely.
“Today I told hyung that I only drag the group down without thinking… I didn’t realize I felt so isolated from them until I said that and it was just really overwhelming I guess. I didn’t realize I ended up on your floor, but I needed to focus on something else so I practiced.”
His seniors go quiet and he can tell they’re all having some sort of silent debate before Jay B speaks up again, “Why don’t we get you back to your dorm, yeah?”
Seungmin doesn’t want to. He knows Chan is probably still awake and waiting for him.
“Alright…” He mumbles anyway.
They corral him into a car, Jackson’s hand never leaving his shoulder. The ride to the Stray Kids dorm is near silent, save for Seungmin’s pathetic sniffling. He ignores the fact that he can hear them talking about him in favor for staring out the window of the car.
It feels like the ride lasts for hours, but eventually, he’s being gently shaken by Jackson who softly tells him they’re at his dorm. He doesn’t get up for a second, but one joking threat from Mark about carrying him to his dorm is what gets him moving. He’s already embarassed himself enough tonight, being carried by his senior would actually be his breaking point.
The group makes their way to Seungmin’s dorm with said boy trailing behind them at a slower pace which causes Yugeom to walk behind him, urging him forward when he slows down. He feels like a child.
When they get to the dorm, Jay B knocks softly and Yugeom keeps a gentle hand on Seungmin’s shoulder. He isn’t sure if it’s to make sure he doesn’t run away or not, but it’s oddly grounding.
He can hear footsteps right before the door is pulled open, revealing Chan. He looks… bad, to say the least. His hair is a mess, probably from running his fingers through it, and the bags under his eyes look a little darker than normal. Seungmin feels guilty for worrying him that much.
Chan opens his mouth to greet Jay B before his eyes land on Seungmin. It feels like time stops for a second, but he’s being jolted back to reality when Chan pulls him into what is probably the tightest hug he’s ever received.
“Oh thank god you’re okay,” He sounds breathless. Dare Seungmin say, it sounds like his leader is on the verge of tears.
Chan pulls back and gently cups Seungmin’s face, checking him over like a worried mother, “Don’t ever do that again. Please.”
He finds himself unable to do anything but nod, oddly emotional with how Chan is behaving.
“Thank you for bringing him back,” Chan finally says to GOT7.
“Of course,” Mark says, “We’ll let you two talk. Text us tomorrow morning, yeah?”
Chan nods and bids them goodnight, gently tugging Seungmin into their dorm.
He expects Chan to sit him down and make him talk, but that doesn’t happen. Chan pulls him to his room and it’s empty, meaning that Felix is probably sleeping in another room.
“I should shower,” He whispers when Chan tries to sit him on his bed, “Your sheets-”
“Can be washed. Just lay with me.”
He can’t find it in himself to argue anymore.
Chan pulls him close and Seungmin rests his head on Chan’s chest. It isn’t often he allows this sort of thing, but he thinks Chan needs this as much as he does.
It’s silent for a while, the two of them just breathing each other in. He feels more at peace than he has in weeks.
“Hyung-” He tries to say.
“Go to bed. We can talk about everything tomorrow, but right now, just sleep,” Chan whispers.
He allows himself to melt against his oldest hyung and the thoughts in his head quiet.
They’ll talk about it tomorrow.
Everything will be fine.
He’s safe with Chan and right now, that’s all that matters.