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It was midnight, or at least Katniss thought it was. The moonlight had managed to escape through the small gap of the curtains, finding its way up to Katniss. It hadn’t disturbed her; in fact, she was glad of it. Glad of the company. She was alone, like most nights. Her body still hadn’t gotten used to that. Those days spent in District 13, everyone packed in so tight, everyone together. Before that, she’d often fall asleep in Peeta’s arms, protected by that kind, warm shield. Before everything, before the War, the Quarter Quell, the first Games, Prim would often take up space, along with Buttercup watching the two of them closely.
But now it was just Katniss.
Peeta was just across the path, it couldn’t be more than 100 metres from Katniss’ front door. But it felt like eternity. She didn’t dare leave her home, didn’t dare disturb him. She couldn’t bring herself to do that. After everything. The two of them had both come home, they both found each other again. But Katniss didn’t know if they could let each other in. It wouldn’t be like before, of course, it wouldn’t. It couldn’t. But Katniss couldn’t deny she missed him, missed how things were. She wouldn’t admit certain things to herself, let alone Peeta. But the War was over, it was done, and Katniss had to live again. No matter how hard it would be. Katniss didn’t want to do that alone.
Knowing she couldn’t lie in the darkness any longer, Katniss forced herself out of her bed, brushing the bedclothes off her frail body and moved out of her bedroom. She found herself walking towards the front door but made a quick change at the last minute and followed the natural light in the kitchen. The blinds were not drawn, allowing a direct view of the house across the street. The baker’s boy, her once star-crossed lover, the Capitol mutt, so many names occupied that house and yet it was only one person she yearned to see. Peeta, her Peeta. Peeta who had burnt the bread on purpose to feed a starving girl. Peeta announced to the world his love for a girl who paid him no attention. Peeta who joined the Career pack for Katniss. Peeta, who begged Haymitch to save Katniss when the Quarter Quell was announced. Peeta, who agreed to no allies, just the two. Peeta, who didn’t care for his own wellbeing, only Katniss. Peeta, who suffered and endured so much at the hands at the Capitol. Peeta, who had lost himself entirely. Peeta who had come back home, for many things and for Katniss.
Katniss was angry with herself. Angry for letting it get this far. It had been months since they’d arrived back home. Months, and yet it was as if it was only yesterday that she found Peeta planting those Primrose flower he’d found. It wasn’t as if things hadn’t changed because they had. The three of them – Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch, had learned to heal together. But that didn’t mean it was like before, it could never be like that again. Katniss had understood that, and she was sure Peeta too. He’d kept his distance, almost like the time after their first games and Katniss hadn’t wanted that. She didn’t like it.
It wasn’t as if the two of them were ignoring each other completely. There would be times when the three of them, Haymitch included, would spend those long, dark evenings together trying to fill the void. Panem was moving on. The Games were over and of course every single detail had to be televised. Katniss had seen far enough of the Capitol, but it wasn’t just there. Buildings were being rebuilt, houses, hospitals, memorials – all in the districts. Katniss wondered when it would be District 12’s turn. She’d have to make a mental note to avoid the town. It was unlikely that they would want Coin’s killer around for the show.
And those evenings, those times spent together, the three victors, weren’t as bad Katniss had imagined. It could get lonely in that big house, and she missed their company. Katniss would make sure to hunt during the day, wanting to do something with her time and not wait about all day. Peeta, Katniss assumed, spent time trying to remember. He’d sometimes paint, maybe bake, read. Haymitch would always smell like a brewery, so it was obvious what he was doing with his day.
But things were different. It wasn’t icy, but there was a definite barrier between the two. Katniss had to admit she hadn’t made the best effort to overcome that. But how could she? What would she say to him?
Knowing there was no point trying to get some sleep, Katniss decided to do what she did best – hunt. It was still relatively dark outside, but that didn’t matter. The morning light would appear soon, making it easier and clearer for Katniss. She couldn’t stay cooped up in her home, all alone with her thoughts and her nightmares. She found her bow hidden in a corner in her bedroom; it was well-used but still good. Her hunting boots were hanging by her bed, only being washed a few days ago. She had spent so much of her time out hunting these days, trying to ignore the inevitable. The days were long, the nights were longer, and Katniss needed something to occupy her time. Peeta had his baking, his painting or at least he had. Katniss knew he was learning again, trying to learn, trying to remember. Haymitch had his drink, though it seemed a little less often than before. Perhaps the ‘prohibition’, as he once called it, in District 13 had worked.
But for Katniss, she needed to hunt, to keep busy, to have a purpose. She’d hunt a few rabbits, maybe a squirrel, like she used to. She’d still go down to the market but not to sell the animals, but to feel some kind of familiarity. District 12 had started to build itself back up. Some who had survived and were taken to 13 had come home, others stayed. The population was few, but it was enough.
Changing into her hunting clothes in front of the long mirror, Katniss noticed how thin she looked. She was always thin, always skinny. That’s what spending 16 long years growing up in the Seam did to you. But becoming a victor, she’d changed. But now? Well, her fingers were bony and slender, her thighs barely touched, her jacket almost engulfed her. If her mother was here… But she wasn’t. It was just her, alone in the big house. Her mother and Prim’s room had stayed untouched. Katniss hadn’t dared to enter them, not wanting to accept that it was just her now. The house itself was almost the same; Katniss hadn’t many possessions left to bring. The photo of her father, Peeta’s pearl, her Mockingjay pin, Peeta’s medallion..
By the time Katniss left the house and hopped down the stairs, the moonlight had disappeared, allowing room for the looming sun. Good, she thought. She knew Haymitch wouldn’t want her to go walking into the darkness and she didn’t exactly want to. She knew Haymitch didn’t like her hunting, not as often as she did. But how else would she occupy her time? What else would she do?
Katniss hadn’t expected to see anyone on her way back. The sun was barely rising, and the Victor’s
Village felt so far away from the rest of 12. But as she walked through the fallen gate, there it was, that familiar figure. Peeta had stepped out of his own home, wrapped up warm in his trench coat and scarf.
He was carrying something in his hand and was making his way towards the house across the path.
Peeta had almost made it up the steps when he noticed a shadow behind him.
“Peeta,” Katniss gasped out his name, as if she wanted to reach out to him but didn’t dare.
“Katniss,” Turning around the see Katniss watching him from below, Peeta moved down a few steps, so he was level with her. “I, er, came to see you.”
“Oh.”
“To give you this.” Peeta shrugged as if his gift was hardly worth leaving the house for. But Katniss didn’t feel that, not one bit. Slowly passing over the small gift, Peeta’s fingers lingered against Katniss’ for a moment before retracting them, carefully watching, and waiting for Katniss’ reaction.
It was warm and you couldn’t deny that smell, God, it smelt good. Katniss knew exactly what this was even before unwrapping the paper. “You’ve been baking again?”
“Yeah,” Peeta nodded, his eyebrows were furrowed as if he was thinking. “Or trying.” Laughing awkwardly, Peeta, moved his hands into his coat pocket. “I can’t quite…”
“I understand.” Katniss started to nod. “I’m sure-“
“Try it, and let me know, OK Katniss?” This seemed a little abrupt, maybe not intentional but Katniss couldn’t help but feel like Peeta was trying to get away.
“Of course,” Peeta moved to leave before Katniss managed his name again and stopped him. “Peeta?”
“Yeah?” Peeta turned around, looking expectantly. And there it was. It was as if she was back on the
train. The train that seemed to lead nowhere. That look, why did he have to give her that look? Her
heart felt stiff, it felt like it could break at any moment. It was as if it was Peeta, her Peeta staring back at her.
“Join me? Later. I have dinner.” Katniss motioned towards the animals she was holding in her hand. It would be nice, she thought. Just the two of them. Maybe she would be able to fill that gap that was keeping them apart, move the barrier. Katniss just wanted to talk to Peeta, to spend time with him. It was lonely, too lonely. She could feel herself falling and there was no one around to catch her.
Peeta smiled at Katniss, it was one of those little smiles he would often give her. “OK, OK Katniss.” Katniss could sense Peeta was thinking about something, just for a slight moment. Was it a memory?
“What is it?”
“The squirrels. My father bought them sometimes. Real or not real?”
“Real.” Katniss nodded, but turned quickly towards the steps, not wanting Peeta to catch her faltering. It’s like a game, every time. Peeta would have a memory, something would trigger it. It could be something small like the smell of bread or something big like Katniss’ repeating something Peeta had once said to her. More often than not, Katniss would answer ‘Real’. It was as if what the Capitol had done to Peeta, what they had made him believe, was slowly disappearing. That the old Peeta was growing stronger. But then there would be a memory, something horrible, something harsh. Katniss knew Peeta still had nightmares, just as she did. But the two were too far to comfort each other, even if that was exactly what she wanted.
Recently, her nightmares were filled with Gale. It would start with him, start with the bombs, with that explosion. But then he’d disappear. She’d search for him in the woods, but he wouldn’t be there. She would go around and around in circles, until the voices appeared. They would be loud, they would be screeching, she couldn’t get away. That was until she would feel those arms around her, that soft touch. The one thing that could always bring her back, comfort, protect her. It was Peeta.
Katniss hadn’t thought of Gale often, she didn’t want to. That last day, when she said goodbye, she knew it was for good. She had accepted that; she’d wanted that. She didn’t want to see Gale again and she knew she wouldn’t. That part of her life was gone. She didn’t need his fire or his rage. She had enough fire for himself. What she needed was calm, kindness, the dandelion in the spring. But he seemed so far away, untouchable. Katniss often wondered what Peeta had thought. Before the rebels won. Peeta had understood, he knew how Gale felt about Katniss. How she felt about him. But Katniss didn’t feel like that, not anymore. She wondered how Peeta felt about her. Whether some of those memories had some effect on him. She knew she couldn’t ask and didn’t want to. But it made her think. Sometimes Katniss thinking like that wasn’t necessarily a good idea.
Later that evening, the two sat in silence for the best part of the meal. It was nice, just enjoying each other’s company. The conversation was polite, nothing too deep. They spoke about their days, what was happening in District 12 and the rest of Panem. It seemed there was an unspoken agreement to not mention anything else, anything that had happened a few months before.
Katniss spoke of her time in the woods, in the Meadow. How quiet it seemed now, how peaceful. She knew she could delve further than she had in the past but didn’t want to admit that to Peeta. She didn’t want to worry him and turn the conversation into something else. Peeta asked about what she’d shoot, what she’d hunt, her favourite time to go. It seemed like he was making light conversation, but Katniss didn’t mind.
Peeta wanted to bake something new next. He’d tried the simple loaves, like the ones Katniss would often trade for the squirrels or simple game with Peeta’s father. The cheese buns would be next, which brought a smile to Katniss’ face. Peeta mentioned how they were her favourite, without the need of reassurance that this was a real memory. He wasn’t sure when he’d be able to get the right ingredients but wanted to try. Katniss asked about whether he’d make something more elaborate, something that needed to be decorated. Peeta didn’t want to get too ahead of himself but promised to try eventually.
Like most of the district’s, 12 was building itself up once again. More people had come home, though the population was far from the 10,000 it had before the bombs. The town was hit the most, but most of the rubble had been cleared. There were plans of rebuilding some houses, but other buildings too. Katniss wasn’t that interested in any of that, she would spend most days hunting out in the Meadow. Only sometimes would she walk through the market but couldn’t stay for too long. The memories. They were always there.
Peeta seemed quite enthusiastic about it, however, so she played along. Asking questions and wondering aloud about the plans.
Peeta had also received a letter recently from Annie. Katniss understood why she’d written to Peeta and not her. She hadn’t a lot to do with Annie during the War and even afterwards, it wasn’t as if they spent a lot of time together. Katniss was far closer to Finnick that she ever was to Annie. But Peeta… Johanna once said she and Peeta were neighbours in the Capitol. Katniss imagined Annie’s cell wasn’t too far along. They had something shared that Katniss would never understand.
The letter contain some general stuff, Finnick’s son was growing up so fast now. She’d sent another photo along with the letter which Katniss thought should have been nice, but it just caused an immense wave of sadness. The child had Finnick’s eyes. His cheeks were far less squishy now. He was definitely growing.
As her and Peeta mused over the letter and photograph, Katniss thoughts drifted to their ‘baby’. It was only ever a ruse, an attempt to cancel the Quarter Quell. Not that it worked, not that it was ever going to work. But what Katniss wanted, what she tried to achieve. She just wanted a world that would be safe, for Peeta and his child.
The Games were over. That meant any child would never have to suffer the pain, the horror, the guilt that came with the Games. One thing Katniss noticed about District 12 now was how little children she saw. She knew what happened to most of them. She knew what happened to many of the Capitol’s child. It was almost too raw to think about.
Peeta had somehow acquired a yellow sauce and decided to drizzle it all over his food. Katniss clearly couldn’t hide her disgust. All that hard work and it had been reduced to yellow messiness. Noticing Katniss’ expression, Peeta placed the pot of sauce in the middle of the table and motioned towards his place.
“You have to trust me, Katniss. This,” Peeta pointed towards his plate, a mischievous smile appeared on his face as he did. “This is good.”
Katniss shook her head, and a small smile forced itself out and started to creep along her face. How did Peeta manage to do that to her? The scowl had gone. She didn’t want to scowl at him, not ever. “I don’t believe you.”
“Suit yourself.” Peeta shrugged, focusing his attention back on his plate. “This is great though, thank you.”
“Thank you. You made the bread.” And it was delicious. Katniss had forgotten how good the Mellark bakes had been. “Have you baked much else?”
“Bits and pieces.”
“And you didn’t let me try?”
“Well, this is the first that’s been good and properly good.”
“Such a perfectionist.”
Peeta smiled and a small chuckle escaped his mouth. He finished his last bite of the loaf before speaking again. “My mother was. Real or not real?”
“Real, I think. I’m not completely sure. From what you said…I guess so.”
“I remember one time; my father was at the market with my brothers. It was just me and mother.
She…she was angry about something. The way I was kneading the dough. Said I wasn’t strong enough. She was right; the whole batch came out wrong and we had to eat it for the next three days. I was always doing things wrong, especially in the beginning.”
Katniss hadn’t heard this one before. During their first games, the two spoke about their childhood. A lot of it was for the cameras, but not all. Then those long nights on the train when the two would find each other to protect from the nightmares. If they couldn’t sleep, they would talk.
It was at 13, when Delly and even Prim would try to help Peeta remember. Childhood memories, memories of his home, of the bakery, of school and then of Katniss. But this one never appeared.
“And then there was that time with you. When I burnt it on purpose. For you.” Another memory. A special one, at least to Katniss. It had a different feeling now, though. That Peeta, the one who burnt the expensive bread on purpose, the one who took a beating from his mother, he gave a starving Katniss the bread, he was gone.
Katniss could feel herself getting teary, and this time she was too tired to stop it. She would have to let Peeta see this. See these feelings.
“Katniss…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Don’t…don’t apologise.”
Leaning back in his seat, Peeta sighed, furrowing his eyebrows. Katniss couldn’t gauge when he was thinking, let alone what he was feeling. How could she have experience so much with someone and feel like she didn’t know anything about them? She felt almost useless in that moment.
“How did we get so messed up?” There was something different about Peeta’s voice. A sense of resentment, but also laughter. It was as if he didn’t laugh, he’d end up crying. Katniss hadn’t seen Peeta cry since the end of the War, and that wasn’t something Katniss wanted to see. And yet here she was, allowing herself to cry in front of Peeta.
But it was like she thought, things had changed. Maybe she could be vulnerable than she had before. It was always a little different with Peeta. There had been so much acting, and yet sometimes it felt as if Peeta was the only person Katniss could be her true self with. It was true that in a way they’d grown closer, along with Haymitch. But before today, Katniss had the feeling that they were growing apart, almost to the brink of no return. But she was wrong. There was still something there, there had to be. It was just something different.
“Peeta…”
“Yes?”
“Will you, will you stay here, tonight?” Katniss moved her plate away as she spoke, as if she didn’t want Peeta to hear her request. “Just…nice to have company.” She knew she couldn’t look in his eyes, couldn’t see that sadness. Instead, Katniss decided to watch Peeta’s hands. Those hands that created such beauty, those hands that were so delicate, those hands that were so kind.
“I’m sorry, Katniss.” Peeta kept his eyes locked with Katniss’, the sadness in his eyes was still there. But it was more subtle this time.
“Why?”
“I should have realised…after everything. It gets pretty lonely, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah…”
“I’ll stay, of course I’ll stay.” Peeta’s arm moved across the table and his hand finds Katniss’. They touched for a moment, before they interlocked with each other. Katniss didn’t want Peeta to let go.
There was something unspoken between them, Katniss could feel it. Soon after, the plates were washed up, the table was cleared and the two of them made way for bed. It was as if Peeta knew, he made sure to not touch Prim’s bedroom door, finding solace in the sofa planted in the middle of the room. Katniss knew it was stupid to think for one-minute Peeta would follow her into her bedroom, even though she longed for it. They said their goodnights, polite and distant once again and then Katniss was alone, as she always seemed to be.
That night, the nightmares came to visit Katniss once again. It seemed that she had only closed her eyes for a minute when her face appeared in the darkness. It was only for a moment, and then she was gone. This happened almost every night. It was as if she herself couldn’t bear to stay a moment longer. The last thing Katniss saw of her sister was her lips mouthing her name. And then poof.
The next image is one she expected. Gale visits her in the darkness, his words were all jumbled and messy. And then he left.
Peeta was the last face she saw. Not the Peeta lying on the couch, but the Peeta that she remembered from the first games. the innocent, kind Peeta. but he soon disappeared, being replaced with the Peeta Katniss met after so long apart in 13, the Peeta who attacked her.
But then it’s all gone. Katniss lay awake in her bed. She was being woken up by that kind, familiar face. Peeta, clearing hearing the screams like he has so many times in the past, had come to her. To save her.
“Katniss! Katniss!” Peeta was knelt down between the bed and the bedside table. His left hand was rubbing Katniss’ shoulder, trying to soothe her. That concerned look he often wore had appeared as his eyes searched for something to reassure him. “Hey, hey…It’s OK. It’s me, It’s me.” His hand moved away from Katniss’ shoulder to his cheek, allowing his fingers to slowly caress the redness in her cheeks away.
“Peeta, Peeta, I’m sorry. I’m so-“ Realisng where she is, where she truly is, Katniss focused her eyes onto Peeta who was right beside her, his breath almost touched her nose. That warmth, she didn’t want to let go of it.
“Hey, it’s OK. I’m here.”
Katniss’ breathing was still fast and harsh. Peeta had now moved on to the bed as Katniss shifted over. His arms found a way around Katniss and the firm grip of his fingers forced their way onto Katniss’ shoulder. Feeling more at peace, Katniss burrowed her head into his chest, listening to calmness of his heartbeat. It brought her back to reality, back to her room, back to her bed where Peeta is lying beside her.
“That was bad one, huh?” Peeta whispered this, as if he didn’t want to stir Katniss. The softness of his voices reached Katniss’ ears and it calmed her. He always knew how to do that. “It’s OK, it’s not real. It never is.” Katniss had forgotten what it felt like to hear Peeta’s reassurance. He’d so often give it, especially during those hard nights before things changed. But the past few months, it was as if he wasn’t quite able to, as if he’d forgotten. Peeta had to relearn and re-remember so much. Katniss had tried to reassure him, tried to help but she never seemed to quite manage it the way Peeta did. He was too good.
“I know, I know.” Katniss barely managed to speak this, she sounded muffled, with her lips touching the fabric of Peeta’s shirt. Peeta doesn’t need her to repeat this, he can hear perfectly. Moving closer, Peeta allowed his firm grip to loosen a little, but kept his arms tightly wrapped around Katniss’ body, not wanting to let go. He could clearly sense the stillness in Katniss but made sure to stroke the top of her forehead. Katniss remembered this so clearly from before, something Peeta would do whenever she had a nightmare. He clearly remembered too, knowing it works.
“Peeta.” Katniss spoke louder this time, wanting to be head. Her head moved closer towards Peeta’s, finding his eyes in the darkness.
“Yeah?”
“You’ll stay? Just tonight, for a little bit.”
“Always.” There’s no hesitation in his voice, just certainty. Peeta had no intention of leaving Katniss alone that night, none. Sliding his head down to the pillow, Peeta moved closer to Katniss, the closest he could get. The two lay like that until Katniss drifted off to sleep, knowing she was safe in Peeta’s arms.
Katniss awoke that morning to find herself alone. She could still feel the indent of where Peeta’s body lay in the night. She wondered how long he had stayed there. But this wasn’t a good thought. Of course, Peeta had stayed the whole night until he’d woken up himself. She’d imagined the couch had no company that night.
Finding the strength to move, Katniss pushed herself out of her bed and made her way to the kitchen. She could smell…something. Not food, but something. Peeta had his back to her, clearly focusing on something in the kitchen. Katniss didn’t want to rush in and interrupt him. She watched as Peeta’s arms moved across each other. It was a rare sight to see Peeta alone, really alone. She didn’t want the moment to end. But clearly Peeta could sense he was being watched and turned to find Katniss standing by the edge of the kitchen table.
“Morning.” Peeta nodded, a sullen expression appeared on his face as he passed a warm mug to Katniss. “For you.”
“Thank you. Did you get back to sleep?” Katniss already knew the answer to the question before it even escaped her lips. Peeta hadn’t slept after Katniss drifted off. In the past, during those long, dark nights on the train, both Katniss and Peeta would find solace in each other’s arms and would find some peace in their sleep together. The best night sleep that Katniss had were always with Peeta, when she knew he was there, ready to catch her. She wondered if it was the same for him. It had to be. But maybe not now. The Capitol, Snow, everything had taken that away.
“Er, no, I didn’t. But it’s fine, I don’t sleep most nights. Better than the nightmares.” Katniss could tell. The dark circles under Peeta’s eyes were more vivid that morning and something felt different. Was he angry? Was he upset? Katniss couldn’t tell. She felt sad, sad that the peace they had the evening before had seemed to have vanished. And she didn’t know why.
“Yeah.” Understanding completely, Katniss moved to sit down next to where Peeta was still standing. She watched him as he followed her lead, taking the seat opposite her. She took a sip of the tea; it was warm, soothing. Just like Peeta. Peeta watched her for a while, ignoring his drink completely. The steam rose up and above him as the morning lights reflected from the kitchen window. Sitting there, on a quiet morning, with Peeta sat just across her, Katniss wished she could just freeze time. It would make things a lot easier.
After a while, Peeta spoke, which almost made Katniss jump. She was lost in a trance of her own thoughts. “Katniss, I think…I think we need to be honest with each other.”
“What do you mean?” Katniss questioned the boy sitting across from her. Peeta’s expression had changed since the two sat down together. It softened slightly, that almost sulky look had disappeared now. It wasn’t exactly concern, but there was a seriousness to him. It was as if what he was about to say is the reason why he seemed different that morning.
“I think, you know…Things…things aren’t going to be like before. But... we’re here, it’s over.” Over. Will it ever really be over? The War has ended, the Games are no more. Katniss, Peeta; they both came home. This is supposed to be the time for, what was it that Dr Aurelius said, ‘healing’? How could Katniss ever heal? How could she ever forget?
Katniss knows what Peeta is trying to say, she understood what he wanted. After everything that he went through, after everything that happened, he wanted it to be done, wanted it to be over. It was the only way he could ever live a life, a decent life. Katniss wanted that for him, she truly did. But wondered if he’ll ever get it. “We have to move on.”
“We do.” Nodding along, Peeta gave Katniss a small smile and his hand found hers once again. This time, it was Katniss who moves closer, allowing her fingers to stroke along Peeta’s knuckles. She doesn’t want to stop, but eventually placed her hand into Peeta’s, feeling that warmth once again. The hunger wasn’t quite there, it wasn’t ready, but Katniss could feel it growing, blooming. It was almost ready to pounce. Almost.
“Together?”
“Together.”