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Zack Fair was my best friend.
The snow was falling softly, quieting everything in the way that only heavy snow can. It was the first time that I had seen snow since leaving Nibelheim. It used to snow quite a lot there, I think. It hardly ever snowed in Midgar. I missed the snow a lot, but it wasn't until now that I realized how much I did. People in my village always used to say there was something almost magical about snow, and that one could see the magic in the joy the first snowfall of the season brings to people, or in the faces of children when they hear the words, 'snow day' and they realize their lessons for the day have been cancelled.
I was lying on my back, staring up at the sky, the snow falling all around me, landing on me and melting almost as soon as it made contact with my flesh. I had almost forgotten the sound that snow makes as it falls. A soft noise almost like a hissing sound, but not quite. I had almost forgotten the comfort that sound brought with it. After the noisy, metallic clamour of a city like Midgar, it was easy to forget about the soft sounds of the natural world.
My excitement over seeing the snow again did little to distract me from the pain in my back, however. I had just fallen from a helicopter. Luckily for me, the low altitude I fell from and the snow that broke my fall were the only things that saved me from breaking my spine. I suppose I shouldn't have been all that thankful for the snow, as it was what had caused us to crash in the first place, but I was mostly just glad to be alive.
There's a bit of a gap in my memory here, I vaguely remember struggling to get to my feet and regrouping with the others, before continuing on. The next thing I can remember clearly is talking with a man named Zack. The SOLDIER who would become one of my closest friends over the next few months.
I know we talked for ages on the mission, though the specifics of our conversation still evades me to this day. I remember being transfixed by the colour of his eyes. I had never seen eyes that blue before. I knew it was the Mako that made them that way, but still. I had never seen the SOLDIER trademark up close before. Even I had to admit, they were very beautiful. I tried to imagine my eyes that being that blue, that beautiful, but I couldn't. Even if I made SOLDIER, I doubted anything about me could ever be called 'beautiful.'
He was different than I imagined a SOLDIER would be, but not in a bad way, don't get me wrong. I had always figured they would be very serious and quiet, but Zack was anything but. He talked and talked, even joking around and laughing - that was something he loved to do - laugh.
He treated me like an equal too, which was more than a little surprising. He outranked me by quite a lot, yet he didn't act like he was any better than I was. I think that was why I liked him. He made me feel like I was a person who deserved respect, which honestly wasn't really something I was used to. I mean, c'mon my name is 'Cloud.' Do you know how hard it is to gain respect as a child, growing up with a name like 'Cloud.' I'll give you a hint, VERY.
Zack and I first became friends on that day, up near the top of a mountain in the snow. I hadn't really made any friends since leaving home to join SOLDIER. Maybe it was the magic of the snow that brought us together? It did cause our helicopter to crash after all, and we wouldn't have met otherwise.
---
Zack Fair was my best friend.
Gunshots ring in my ears and I can see my friends dying around me as they are struck down.
Gaia, I'm going to die.
There's blood on my hands, between my fingers, under my nails and I'm going to die here. I can't breathe, I can't move, my chest his heaving, but there's no air. My heart is going to burst it's beating so quickly.
I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.
There's this pain in my chest. Have I been struck? I don't know, but I'm afraid to look.
I'm going to die.
I can't breathe.
I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.
My body is shaking at there's nothing I can do to stop. Shock? Am I going into shock?
Gaia, I'm going to die.
I feel strong arms wrap around me from behind. I struggle and squirm, trying my best to get free. I hear a soft voice in my ear, whispering words I can't quite understand, but the tone of the voice is gentle.
I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.
I can feel fingers in my hair, not pulling or tugging, but combing, with all the gentleness the calloused digits can manage. All the while that soft voice speaks softly to me. I stop struggling, mostly because I can't find the strength to keep it up.
I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die?
The bodies around me are beginning to swim and fade before my eyes. I'm dying. I must be.
Gaia, no! I can't die yet! I don't want to die!
“Cloud, it's okay.” I know that voice. “You're alright, I've got you.”
The battle before me is fading, replaced by walls, off-white walls, my walls. The hard ground beneath me changes, becoming the soft blue sheets of the bed. The arms around me are familiar now, the arms of someone I trust.
“Zack,” My voice is hoarse.
“It's okay, Cloud. I've got you. You're alright.”
I nod and fall back against him, my energy spent in the wake of the attack. I feel horrible, guilty for putting Zack through this again, angry at myself for something I have no control over. Embarrassment and shame wash over me in a nauseating wave, burning my cheeks and ears.
“I-I think they're getting worse,” My voice sounds far away to my own ears.
I can feel Zack's arms tense around me as if he could protect me from myself with his own body. I black out before I hear his reply.
---
Zack Fair was my best friend.
Parry. Dodge. Thrust.
The clash of metal against metal.
Duck. Block. Roll.
The sound of heavy boots against the padded floor.
Right. Dodge. Left.
“Good, but is that all you've got, Cloud?” Zack's friendly taunting carried across the training room. “Ready to give up yet?”
“In your dreams!” I call back as I advanc again.
Our swords clash again. Zack pushes towards me, as I push back towards him. Zack, who was stronger than me in every sense of the word, brakes through my block, and forces me to retreat. Confident that he has the upper hand, Zack slashes down at my knees. I jump at the last possible second, saving myself from some wicked bruising - the training blades are, of course, blunted, but still hurt when they hit you.
The wall behind me is fast approaching and if my back hits it, then I'm finished. Zack will trap me and if it were a real battle against a real enemy, that would be the end me. Thinking on my toes, I aim a kick at Zack's ankles, and his attention shifts for just a moment, the sting of the blow providing just enough of a distraction to allow me to slip around him. I duck under his arm, and swing around, catching him between the shoulder blades with the pommel of my sword.
Zack cries out more in surprise than pain and goes down. He rolls when he hits the ground and comes up laughing.
“Nice one, Blondie!”
I remember smiling until Zack drops his sword. I thought something might have been wrong. Had he hurt himself when he fell? Had I hit him too hard? The next thing I knew, we're on the ground. He tackled me!
We wrestle for a bit, mostly for fun and only in partially in competition. I, of course, end up lying flat on my back. Like I said, he was stronger than me. Zack is sitting on my stomach, the both of us are laughing.
“You're heavy!”
I struggle underneath him, but can't push him off.
“Zaaack! C'mon! Get off me.”
Zack remains where he is for a moment, smirking as if to say, 'I don't think I will," but then the moment passes, and he rolls off of me, bouncing to his feet with ease. I, on the other hand, heave myself into a sitting position, but find I can go no further than that. I feel heavy, my arms and legs stiff and sore from hours of training. Curse the stamina of a SOLDIER.
Zack extends his hand down towards me and I take it, grateful for the help.
“You're improving so quickly.”
I can't help but smile at his praise. My scores were usually very high during our examinations. Not to brag, but my scores are usually in the top five most of the time. Yet I always feel like I could be doing better. That's why I had asked Zack to help me with extra training, and Zack, being the kind soul that he was, agreed.
“Thanks,” I stretch and wince.
I really was sore, and apparently, Zack could tell.
“Sore, are we?”
“Yeah,” I nod in affirmation.
“Well, you did go through a full day of training, plus this extra three-hour practice.”
He must have thought I looked irritated about this, which truth be told, I was. I hated feeling weak, still do. Zack's average day was just as intense as mine had been, and yet he was still fill of energy. I couldn't help but feel weak by comparison.
“You aren't invincible, Cloud.” His tone was gentle, but I still snap at him.
“What and you are?”
His face falls a little, a small crease appearing between his brows as they furrow. “That's not what I meant.”
“I know...I-I didn't mean to snap," My fists uncurl from their balled state at my sides, as all the anger goes out of me at once. "It's just...just I have to get stronger. I can't stand feeling so weak.”
Zack puts his hand on my shoulder.
“Cloud,” He sighs. “Cloud, listen, you aren't weak, okay. You're human. Humans get tired. You can't just go forever.”
“But apparently you can.”
“Only because I got another Mako injection half-way through the day. Without that, I would be just as tired as you are."
Somehow, I find that incredibly hard to believe, but he didn't give me a chance to voice that opinion before he continued on.
"Cloud, you are strong. You are. You’ve proven that to me countless times over since I've met you. Don't doubt yourself like that.” He squeezes my shoulder gently, and looks me directly in the eyes, "You're too good for that."
I can still hear him saying those words, even to this day. Whenever I pick up a sword, whenever that little voice in the back of my head tells me that I can't do it, he's there staring me down with those piercing blue eyes, “Cloud, you are strong.”
---
Zack Fair was my best friend.
It was the first time since I had met him, that I saw him cry. He smiles and laughs so often, his eyes shining with the excitement that so defined him, that seeing the dull shine of tears in his eyes and on his cheeks, looks wrong. On the right, they track down his cheeks, freely to drip from his chin and onto the floor, while, on the left, they soak into the gauze taped over a wound that has yet to fully close.
I wrap my arms around him and hold him as he cries. His body shakes against mine as quiet sobs wrack his form as if they were being torn from him by force. I feel him shift against me, as he buries his face in the crook of my neck, his own arms wrapping tighter around my midsection. I don't know what to say, so I just hold him a let him cry. I lose track of time, it feels like we've been sitting like this forever, on the bed in his apartment, - a little eternity full of nothing but grief all to ourselves.
It was because of Angeal, Zack's teacher. Zack had...well he killed him, and the pain of his loss and the guilt of what he had done was too much for Zack to bear. He had told me he couldn't stand to look at himself in the mirror. Looking into the eyes of the man who had killed someone he had loved and cared about so much was too hard. It was the hurt talking, I think. I know he hated himself for what he had done. He ripped himself to pieces and twisted himself into guilty knots about it more than anyone else blamed him. Honestly that's the worst part about it. He could have escaped the hatred of others, or at least learned to bear it. He could never escape from the hatred that lived in his own heart. I can't blame him though, I would have done the same if it was me in his shoes.
There is nothing I can do for him, but hold him as tightly as I can and wait for the sobs to quiet into soft sniffles, and for those soft sniffles to fade into silence and stillness.
When he is finished, he won't stop apologizing. I tell him it's okay, and he just shakes his head and apologizes again.
“It's okay, Zack, really. It's okay. You're only human, you can't be strong all the time.”
Zack's eyes are red, but he tries to smile anyway. It doesn't look right. It was...sour, not reaching his eyes like his smiles normally do.
“It's not alright, Cloud. I'm a murderer. I killed Angeal.”
“You aren't a murderer, Zack. You know that I know that and Angeal knows that too.”
He casts his eyes down at the ground, as if he can't bear to meet mine any longer. For a moment, I think he's going to start crying again, but instead he just nods. I can tell he doesn't really believe me.
Though eventually after months upon months of sullen quiet, his smile returns to him, and his laughter fills the air again. Those who knew him best, knew he never really recovered though. It was his eyes that gave him away. No matter how much he smiled, no matter how loudly he laughed, his eyes were sad. He carried the weight of what he had done with him until the day he died.
---
Zack Fair was my best friend.
The sun is shining, warming our faces, and bringing out the freckles on my face and arms that always come with time spent in the sun. Zack and I both had the day off and we decided to spend it together, just outside of Midgar, to take a break from the stress of the city for a little while.
We had found a field, wide and green and decided to stop there and have a picnic. I don't remember what we ate or talked about, but I know we did a lot of both. It was our day off and we were going to do what we liked for a change, instead of what we were told to do. As it turned out, we both liked to eat and talk. Afterwards, we decided to stay there for a while and enjoy the sun. We were both country boys and neither of us liked the idea of going back into the city before we had to.
We sat there in that field, chatting idly and watching the clouds pass above us for hours. I remember wishing that every day could be like this. I missed seeing the sun and feeling the grass beneath my fingers so much. I didn't realize until that moment, that I was homesick. I wondered if Zack ever felt this way. I didn't know much about his past, other than the fact that he had run away from home at a young age to join SOLDIER. Did he ever miss his parents? I still clearly remember his reply, “Everyday of my life.”
It wasn't until the sun began to set and the sky began turning red that we finally decided we should head back. On they way, Zack grabbed me and hoisted me up onto his shoulders. I squeaked (something he would tease me mercilessly about afterwards) and did my best not to move around too much, for fear that he might drop me.
After I was up there for a little while, I relaxed a bit. The fear of being dropped began to subside a little. I did trust him after all.
I've never felt safer than when I was with Zack. I could tell him anything, trust him with anything.
---
Zack Fair was my best friend.
My memories become increasingly fuzzy after a certain point until there is nothing left at all. Three years of my life are missing completely from my memory. After that things slowly start to become clearer and clearer. The first clear memory I have is watching my best friend die.
I don't have the right words to explain how horrible that was, and I don't have the words to accurately explain how much that hurt, how much it still hurts. They say that time heals all wounds, but I guess that some wounds take longer to heal. I'm still twisting myself up inside over what happened to him, just like he did to himself over the loss of his teacher. I'm not strong enough to move on just yet.
I miss you, Zack. I miss you a lot. I'm so sorry.
---
Zack Fair was my best friend.
There are many things about Zack that I know. I know he loved strawberries, that cats hated him as much as he liked them, but that never stopped him from trying to pet them anyway. I know he ran away from home at a young age. I know he hated doctors and needles and was terrified of spiders. There are many things about him that I don't know too. Things like why he decided to leave home, or what his family was like. Why he wanted to be a hero so badly, or if he liked me in the same way that I liked him. But I do know one thing for sure, and that is that Zack Fair was my best friend.