Archive of Our Own

Ritsu had been unhappy for a long time, he thought.

Back in middle school, he had been going through a rough patch, where it was hard to even get himself out of bed. No one really helped him. But he figured, if his brother was happy, then he would be happy too. So that's what he did. Made snacks for Shigeo while he was studying, always asked his brother about his day, tried to help him as much as he could with anything he might've had trouble with. He had thought, or some part of him did, that if he always showed his brother that he cared, Shigeo would too.

But, no. That was a naive thought.

Ritsu could probably count the times that Shigeo had asked him about his day on his fingertips.

And as Ritsu traced a faint scar on his forehead, one from the incident that had destroyed their relationship in the first place, he wondered if he even ought to care at all.

And later in high school, where he had been going through the most stress than he had before in his entire life, just to go to a university that he didn't even want to go to, not truthfully, he had to bare it alone again, still.

He had friends. Plenty of them, in fact. But not close ones like Shigeo did. Just acquaintances. The people that he would greet every day, and the people he would sit at lunch with. But really, they weren't friends. They hadn't even met outside of school once.

And as both him and his brother graduated, instead of sad he had grown furious.

Shigeo hadn't gone to university. He had chosen to start working immediately, a decent office job for some company that Ritsu didn't remember the name of. But even though from every aspect of society Shigeo had been a failure, he was happier than Ritsu had ever been in his entire life.

He had friends. Connections. Hobbies. Powers. He was saving up to move out. Making his way in the world, slowly but surely.

And on the opposite side, Ritsu was going to go study law in the city with a full scholarship. His whole family was proud of him. Telling him how he was going to do great things with his life.

Ritsu had been miserable.  He didn't want to go. Be sent away from everything he ever knew. He hadn't even been sure he wanted this. But he knew he didn't have a choice, not really. This was expected of him, set in stone the moment he got his first 100 on a test way back in middle school.

The thought of going made him want to break down.

He had gone anyway.

The day he left, Shigeo had hugged him in the airport, right before his flight. Ritsu had hugged back, a little reluctant. In that moment, he swore he had felt as if he was having an out of body experience, or some sort of hallucination. He had felt an overwhelming chill wash over him, as if a gust of cold wind was blowing near them. Shigeo's hand had shakily gripped the back of his Ritsu's coat, before letting go a second later, as if it got burnt.

"I'm sorry."

Shigeo had muttered. A moment later, he had let go and looked at Ritsu in the eyes, a soft smile peeking under his hard exterior.

"You're going to do great things, Ritsu. I'm sure of it. "

Ritsu wanted to die.

He hadn't had time to answer, running to catch his flight as the announcer had spoken that his plane was departing.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could tell the flight attendant had pretended not to notice his soft crying.

He had started his studies a little later, after settling in the dorms and finding a part time job as a cashier.

University had been..it had been strange.

On the one hand, it was refreshing that no one knew him. There were no expectations for him to act a certain way. On the other, he was studying all the time, and was feeling more tired than ever before.

One time, he had drank so many energy drinks in one night to study for his test he ended up in the hospital the next day. They had to pump his stomach. Worst part was, Ritsu was more sad he missed his test than anything. Thankfully the professor had let him take it on a different day.

As semesters passed, he had thrown himself further and further into his studies and had given up hope of building a meaningful social life. By now, he had concluded that he just wasn't meant to have friends. And that was okay.

He was okay.

It was just something that he had needed to accept. Not everyone was meant to have relationships. Some people were just destined to be alone.

He could only fester in denial so much.

In the end, he supposed it was loneliness that was the final blow. That one breeze that pushed him over the edge.

Time went by.

He had graduated three years later with excellent marks, a crippling caffeine addiction and zero friends.

He had called his mom that day. He could hear her crying tears of joy as she announced to the whole family the news.

She had told him how things were going. About how Shigeo had decided to start his own consultation business. How she was reluctant, but supportive.

She had asked him when he would come to visit. He had dismissed her nervously and hung up.

As shitty as uni was, home would be worse.

That night, after that phone call, he had smoked his very first cigarette. He didn't know why he did it. He knew about all the dangers, of course he did. He just knew that his roommate had offered him one, and he felt like accepting. He hadn't put much thought into it.

He hadn't even coughed. He had mostly felt.. relaxed. Not fully, but enough to tune out all the bullshit his head was telling him. All he knew was that he hadn't felt miserable and worthless after. So he bought his own pack the next day.

Cigarettes helped him. That's all there was to it. They helped him forget about how unfulfilled and bitter he was.

One thing had led to another and he had started working in a law firm near his apartment. It wasn't anything grand, he mostly took on small jobs that the others didn't want to do.

But it was good. He was happy.

Everything had finally made sense.

He had tried to kill himself on new Year's eve a month later. It hadn't worked. Twenty minutes after taking the pills he had panicked and called the ambulance.

What a sad thought.

That he had to call his own ambulance after attempting to kill himself. He tried not to think about it too much. Overall though, he didn't have that many thoughts on the subject. Yes, he attempted. No, he hadn't told anyone. But really, who did he even have to tell? No one truly cared about him anyways.

He had concluded that he hated his life and everything it stood for.

He hated how every decision was made for him, as if he didn't have an opinion on the subject. He hated that he didn't have one single friend at the age of twenty three. He hated that he had to smoke his lungs out just to feel a semblance of true peace.

A month after his attempt, he quit his job, didn't update his lease, packed up and got a train ticket back to spice city.

His mom had been more than thrilled. She thought he was just going to visit. Ritsu didn't want to imagine the expression on her face when he would tell her that he packed up and left with no plan whatsoever.

All he knew was that he needed to escape. Needed to leave all of it and never look back. Because if he didn't..he was pretty sure he was gonna go insane.

So, here he was.

On a train to go back to his childhood home that he hadn't visited in four years, to see his family. To pretend that everything was okay and that he had a job and that his mom should be proud of him after all.

He had never wanted to die more.

Worst part was, Shigeo was gonna pick him up from the station. Shigeo, who he hadn't seen in what felt like forever and honestly didn't want to see him ever again, for the time being. It wasn't that his brother had done something wrong. It was just Ritsu's awful jealously and bitterness that prevented him from having a good relationship. He knew that.

As he watched the green scenery go by from next to the window, he inhaled the burning cigarette smoke, letting it graze against the inside of his lungs before blowing. Smoking wasn't really allowed, but he was alone in this car, so he supposed it was fine. No one was around to stop him anyways.

Besides, he really needed that cigarette. He was gonna reach the station soon, and his nerves had definitely realized.

Smoking definitely helped him relax, but not enough for this situation.

He nervously combed his hair with his fingers. God. What was he gonna say? Would Shigeo be different, would he be taller, would he have a different haircut? Ritsu should definitely compliment him if he did.

He put out the last of his cigarette and got up, since the train was reaching the platform soon. He could practically hear his own heart beating, at this point. It all seemed to set in, at that moment. It suddenly felt too real. Four years. He hadn't seen Shigeo in four years. The train whistle rang out. They had reached the station. Ritsu swallowed.

He walked out, suitcase dragging jankily behind him. Right. He just had to find Shigeo in this mess of people. Problem was, he wasn't even sure what Shigeo looked like anymore.

He sighed. He really needed another cigarette.

He had to cut back those, really.

He blindly walked through the crowd of people, not really having a destination in mind, just hoping that he would run into his brother somehow.

He in fact, did not run into his brother. Quite the opposite actually. Someone ran into him.

He growled as the shorter form slammed into his back, almost knocking him over. Fucking kids. He wasn't slow to turn around and begin cussing the kid out.

"Oi! Can you watch where you're going, you brat?"

It was a short, scrawny blond haired kid, with a bulging plaster placed over his nose. Ritsu could tell it wasn't from an injury, but just placed there to look cool. The kid was wearing a simple black middle school uniform, though it looked a bit disheveled. If Ritsu was still in student council, he definitely would've gave him a warning.

"Okay geez, don't have to yell at me, it was just an accident.."

Ritsu had never wanted to punch a child before. Strange thing was, he wasn't even sure why the encounter had angered him so much. He supposed his nerves were already tense, and this was just what pushed him over the edge.

"Just watch where you-"

Ritsu was cut off as a hand placed itself on the kids shoulder, before looking up.

Fuck.

Shigeo's face greeted him. At that moment, everything else seemed to fade away, the same feeling like that day at the airport. But..everything was different. Shigeo's face was more angular, grown up,his eyes having an older quality to them. His older brother's familiar bowl cut was gone, replaced with a stylish looking cut with a part on the side, and an undercut.

Shigeo was wearing a heavy looking grey coat, and a black button up shirt under it, complete with a grey tie. Ritsu supposed he had really gotten into the whole business thing, after all.

But most shocking of all, Shigeo was tall. Like, really tall. Almost a head taller than him. He supposed he should've expected this to happen, but the last time he had saw Shigeo they were almost at the same height.

"Ah-Ritsu, It's you."

Ritsu swallowed. Four years. Four years of barely talking to eachother. His mind suddenly went blank, as if he couldn't conjure up a single meaningful thought.

There was so much to question. Who was this random kid? He clearly had some kind of connection to his brother, if Shigeo was resting his hand on his shoulder. Some silly part of him wondered if his brother had adopted a kid, or something. Nah, he would've known if that happened. Right..?

Ritsu snapped out of his trance quickly, straightening up his posture and patting down his own button up.

"Nii-san. It's good to see you."

He stared up more intently, this time. Noticed how Shigeo's eyes seemed to be scanning him up and down.

Just like that day at the airport, he didn't expect it when the hug came. Somehow this time, it felt even more awkward and unfitting. Like their janky limbs didn't fit together the way they used to. Ritsu raised his hand to hug back. He felt as if it was frozen. Unable to touch his brother's back, as if it would break. Thus, he let it hover mid air, as he was hugged. At that moment, he prayed he didn't smell like smoke.

"You've grown up so much."

Ritsu was left speechless. Shigeo could have told him he hated his guts and never wanted to see him again after this. Ritsu would've preferred it. Because how was he supposed to answer to that? Like things were normal, like they were still the same after four years of separation.

Before he could muster up something, anything, Shigeo pulled back and separated their hug. Ritsu felt like crying.

The kid was staring at them. He stared at the kid. Shigeo stared at him.

"That's..let me introduce you. This is my student, Arataka. "

Right. Student. Knowing his brother, the kid just didn't leave him alone and Shigeo didn't have the heart to tell him off.

"That's right! I'm Reigen Arataka, future greatest psychic of the 21st century. Nice to meet you, Mr. Shishou's brother!"

There was a lot to unpack there. Like how the kid would wave his hands wildly around while talking, how he would speak just a little louder than he needed to. Like how he called Shigeo his shishou. How he claimed he was an esper.

He lingered on a little bit on that last one.

He genuinely wondered how his brother was able to put up with him so much for the kid to call himself his student. He felt as if he had pinpointed every point of personality the kid had in less than a sentence. At that moment, he did something he had never done before. He decided that no, he did not like Reigen Arataka.

He didn't let this show. He wanted to be on the best terms with Shigeo after all, and if putting up with this kid for a couple of hours would help, so be it.

"Is that so."

He tried to make it sound as cheery as he could, but in reality it probably sounded flat and unimpressed, he realized as he observed Reigen's stare. He didn't want to admit it, but some part of his felt smug about making the kid look so dumbfounded.

"Y-yup. He teaches me a lot of things. We spend a lot of time together."

Oh, so that's how it was gonna be. Now he was definitely sure. He definitely did not like Reigen Arataka. Not one bit. A fact that was probably outright visible on his face, as Shigeo placed a firm hand on his arm, making him turn towards him.

"Uh, we should get going probably. We've been standing around this platform for a while, and I want to show you the office."

Ritsu sighed and let it go. Right. He wasn't here to fight with a middle schooler. He actually had family he needed to visit, and things to do. And anyways, as nervous as he was, he did want to spend time with Shigeo.
He would just have to put his issues on the side for now.

They arrived at the office, a small but respectable space on the first floor of a building close to the town center. As Ritsu walked up to the door, he noticed a sign that read 'Come in! We're open!" He wondered why the sign would be left like that when clearly no one was in the office, or, no one as far as he knew.

He turned to Shigeo, not knowing what he should do. He wasn't sure if the door was unlocked, after all. He got a slight shock, as he looked back at his brother, momentarily forgetting how different he was now. Everything was different.

As he turned back around, he noticed that Arataka had already opened the door and walked inside, his brother urging him to follow with the palm of his hand gently placed on Ritsu's arm. Those small gestures still startled him, seeing as he hadn't received touch in so long. Especially his brother's. But he tried not to dwindle on it too much, and stepped inside following the kid. Or, that's what he thought he did, because as soon as he stepped a foot forward, a hand placed itself on his chest. A small hand. A child's hand. Arataka's hand. His mood worsened instantly.

"Okay uh, I'm gonna have to lay down some ground rules first, okay?"

Ritsu's unimpressed stare glared daggers at the kid, but he listened anyway, on account of wanting to be in good terms with his brother.

"Fine. Go ahead."

Ritsu didn't miss the way the kid momentary glanced back, as if he was staring at something inside the building.

"So, uh. I have this friend.

He could not for the life of him pinpoint where this was going.

And he works here."

His mind went blank. Friend. Arataka's friend. Who a) worked here, and b) was most likely the same age as the insufferable blond. Before he could stop his mouth from opening, he spoke.

"Ah.. Nii-san, how many children have you employed..?"

The kid let out a snort and a laugh, while Shigeo's face, although remaining mostly the same, obtained a slight red hue.

"It's not..um."

He assumed Shigeo had gone for some sort of explanation, but before he could finish, he was once again cut of by Arataka.

"Alright! Let me finish! So, inside is my friend who works here. He's very um..he's not very good with people. He was a shut in for a while. So just..be cool, okay? Don't freak him out. Please. "

A shut in..huh. Okay. So this person was probably a lot more reserved than Arataka, even if he was the same age. Ritsu could do with that.In any case, it was a lot better than dealing with the extroverted personality of the kid all the time.

A hand placed itself on his shoulder. He didn't know why Shigeo kept doing that. Why he kept touching him so gently. As if Ritsu would break. Almost involuntarily, a hand raised itself to touch the scar on his forehead, but only for a second. Ritsu quickly realized what he was doing and forced it back down, scolding himself mentally.

"Arataka's right. Serizawa is..well. He's not good with people. He's very anxious. So please refrain from doing anything to stress him out, Ritsu."

For a moment, he caught himself feeling bad for the kid. Then, like clockwork, he snapped out of it. He didn't have the right to feel bad for a kid he hadn't even met. So what if he got a little anxious too. It wasn't his place to relate.

"Okay. "

That's all he had to say on the matter. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about it at all. He was tired of feeling jealous all the time. Because at that moment, he realized that Shigeo had gone out of his way to accommodate for this kid's anxiety. That he cared. And Ritsu..he didn't want to be jealous of a kid. He was an adult now, and he just had to suck it up. If anything, he should've been glad that Shigeo cared now.

He secretly wished he had cared a little back then too. But that was a thought only for him, that would remain locked in his mind forever.

He shook himself out of his self pity and walked past Arataka, who was now gesturing for him to go inside.

The office was small, but cozy. A floor lamp cast a hazy glow over the space, and as he looked around, his squinting eyes suddenly met wide panicked ones.

The kid from before. Serizawa.

The kid looked like a nervous wreck, to say the least. Studying law, Ritsu had learned to identify body language pretty well, and he was definitely showing all the signs of panic, although trying to hide it. His hair was long and overgrown, curly and dark. The uniform he was wearing didn't fit quite right, but not in any way Ritsu could pinpoint exactly.

He tried not to stare too much. He was pretty sure if he stressed this kid out more than this, he was gonna have a panic attack.

"Hello, I'm Shigeo's brother, Ritsu. It's nice to meet you."

He didn't hold out his hand. As someone that very well knew what anxiety felt like, he didn't want to do anything to make Serizawa more nervous. He already looked downright terrified, honestly. Ritsu didn't miss the way his eyes slightly squinted, as if to psyche himself up.

"N-nice to meet you.."

He smiled.

"You don't have to be all formal, y'know. I promise I won't take it personally. "

Behind him, he could hear the door closing, probably Shigeo and Reigen walking into the office themselves.

"Wooow, okay, so you can be nice to him but not me."

Ritsu scoffed and crossed his arms,not making an effort to look behind him.

"I am nice to you."

It was a plain lie, they both clearly knew it. Ritsu just didn't have the patience or time to deal with the kid at this moment. Behind him, he could hear sputtering and whispering. Smirking, he walked to the couch of the office and sat down gently, taking a better look at the office.

It was so..organized. And clean. Cleaner than Ritsu's desk had ever been at work. Ritsu's eyes wondered over to his brother. Shigeo was staring at him with an unreadable expression. He swallowed and quickly looked away.

"Um, Ritsu, let me make you some tea. "

His brother quickly stepped out of the room, leaving him with the kids. Great.

He let out a breath.

So much had happened in the past hour, and he was greatly conflicted about it. He wasn't really sure what to think of first. Ritsu just knew that a certain sadness ran through him, a sadness all too familiar. No..not sadness. Jealously. That's all he seemed to be feeling these days now, anyway. Just jealous, jealous jealous. He wondered why he wasn't able to just be happy for his brother like he should've been. But then again, he didn't seem to be able to be anything he should in general.

In the end, the trip to the office was pretty uneventful. Shigeo had brought out tea and biscuits, and it helped Ritsu forget a bit how much he needed a smoke, so that was good. Reigen had been slightly more bearable with Serizawa at his side, a fact that made him appreciate the dark haired kid greatly, even with his lack of basic knowledge of social cues.

Around the time the sun had began to set, Shigeo had locked up the office and made sure the kids were okay to go home, before leading Ritsu to his car.

-

Ritsu walked with false confidence, hoping to appear a little put together. He had gone about a whole day without a cigarette, and needless to say he had began to grow a little jittery.

No, he wasn't addicted. Shut up.

He definitely wasn't going to smoke in front of Shigeo, though. During this trip, he had one job. Maintain the appearance of a perfect life.  Smoking wasn't part of that life. And quitting his job definitely didn't make the cut either, neither did a suicide attempt.

They reached the car, and Shigeo walked around to place Ritsu's luggage in the back, before sitting behind wheel. Ritsu mentally sighed and sat in the passenger seat, before slamming the car door shut.

The car ride started out silent. Ritsu held out hope that it would stay that way the whole way through, but it seemed that fate had other plans. As he looked out the window at the somewhat familiar scenery, a voice spoke out.

"So, how is the city? "

Ritsu turned further away in an arguably petty manner.

"Good. "

The silence had started back up again. This was definitely one of the most awkward situations he had ever been in, and that came from someone that had to call the emergency services to alert them of his own damn suicide. He let out a huff of air. That's what this car ride felt like, he concluded. Suicide. He quickly realized he shouldn't joke about that and forced the muscles of his face to stay serious.

"Have you made any friends..?"

The question was more small talk than anything. Ritsu knew that. Yet it still felt targeted towards him, somehow. He thought back to earlier. He had to maintain that image. It was the only thing keeping him tied down to a sense of normalcy.

"Yup. From work. "

"Oh, that's good. I'm glad. You were always the more social one, hah."

He swore he felt like Shigeo had gained some sort of new ability and was reading his thoughts. Otherwise, how was he able to call out on his exact insecurities? He tried to keep a straight face and not show his strained expression. Then there was silence again for a while. He was thankful for that.

"How are things with mom and dad? Are they okay?"

For a moment, he could see his brothers face contort, before quickly going back to normal. As if Shigeo was scared to show any ounce of emotion. More guilty than ever before in his life, he was a bit glad for that fact.

Ritsu was such a coward.

"Dad..he's been getting worse. It's not.. it's not anything lethal, but..you know."

Ritsu hummed.

"He says he's glad you found a stable job. That at least if anything happens, he can have that peace of mind."

Ritsu gripped the car seat.

The protective glass in front of the gas meter on the dash of the car cracked.

Neither of them noticed.

-

They arrived at the house, by the time it was fully dark out. Seeing his old house again, the house he grew up in after four years was..it was a strange feeling he couldn't quite pinpoint down. Nostalgia? Melancholy? Maybe both. As he stepped on the road leading to the door, all the old, familiar cracks on the pavement were still there. They weren't fixed. Weren't worse. Just sitting there dormant, as they had years ago. Maybe a new one would be added here and there, but not in a way that caught Ritsu's attention.

He quickly realized he was looking at cracks in the goddamn pavement and forced himself to look up, before walking up to the door of the house.

His hand was raised to press the doorbell button, a faded label next to it that barely read out 'Kageyama' .

His mind began racing. What if his parents found out? His thoughts went back to his brother, his words from before. How his dad depended on him. His parents would be disappointed in him. Everyone would be once they saw what he really was under the facade he had built for himself.

"..Ritsu?"

His hand slammed the doorbell on instinct, as if Shigeo had caught him doing something shameful. He kept his eyes on the door, ignoring the way his brother's hand raised itself by an inch, hovering mid air, a fact he could see out of the corner of his eye.

His heart had never raced so fast in his entire life. It was as if the door would open and a hand would pop out to drag him to the depths of hell, him and his shameful thoughts with him. But in reality, no hand appeared. No demon, or ghoul. Just his mom. Face the same as it had been four years ago, her hair looking slightly more grey than before.

Her face looked overjoyed. Despite Ritsu completely and earnestly believing that he didn't deserve that expression, he meekly smiled back.

"Hey m-"

He was cut off by her hugging him roughly, making him take a step back so they wouldn't both fall. It was the first time in a while that he felt true peace. Just for a moment, he felt like all his problems didn't matter. Here in his mom's embrace.

"Oh, my sweet boy. I missed you so much. Went off and grew up right under our noses, huh?"

He closed his eyes, trying to hide the way they turned glassy and red.

Soon, his dad emerged from behind the door, looking the same as before, just like him mom. Or..the same at first glance. Ritsu could make out the subtle differences, the way his eyes seemed tired, the way his cheeks were slightly more hollow. He didn't dwell on it too much.

"Hey kiddo -whoah! You've grown, huh?"

He placed his hand on Ritsu's shoulder. Behind his glassy eyes, he noticed the way it was slightly trembling.

It was an unbearably happy moment, yet all Ritsu could think about was how one day it would be ruined, when his parents would find out the truth.

-

His dad had done some redecorating, apparently. A lot of the furniture had been moved around, a portion of the walls painted in various new shades. It was a good change, Ritsu thought, and it had seemingly kept his dad from thinking about things too much, so he welcomed it.

They were all sat at the dinner table, everyone assuming the same seats they had all those years ago. Ritsu was still in a state of half shock, seeing how everything had changed so much, yet not at all at the same time. As Shigeo and his mother passed around the plates, Ritsu tried to calm his nerves as much as he could, fidgeting with his hands under the table. It was just one dinner. All he had to do was lie his way through it and he would be fine. The image of the perfect son would be unspoiled.

The questions started soon after. He supposed it was unavoidable.

"So, Ritsu. Tell us what you've been up to all these years, huh? We want all of it, don't leave anything out."

His mother spoke. Ritsu subtly gripped his chopsticks a little tighter, forcing himself to smile. With every second that passed, he felt his heart racing a little faster.

"Well, college was..it was hard, but I got through it. I made friends..went to clubs..yeah. it was pretty normal, sorry to disappoint, haha!"

His hand raised to scratch awkwardly at his nape. Ritsu felt as if a force was crushing his lungs, making it difficult to breathe. As he watched his family listen to him, he had never wanted to disappear more. He felt like the worst scumbag in the world, lying through his teeth like this.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Shigeo staring at him. Not saying anything, not smiling or laughing.  Ritsu wanted to scream at him to stop doing that.

"Oh, we're just so happy you could find a job like this, now I can brag to all my friends about how smart my little Ritsu is."

His mom gushed, and he was sure she didn't mean any harm. But deep down, it felt as if a dam was breaking with every new word being spoken. A dam he was scrambling to keep sealed shut. He laughed along. Right. He just had to ignore it. He was the perfect son, after all. He didn't have the capacity, no, the right to feel. That was reserved for his brother.

"How's that job treating you anyways? I've heard law firms can be tough."

His dad spoke.

Tough was an understatement. Everyone had been cold, unfeeling and calculated. The air just had a stench of distrust among everyone. On top of everything, being the new guy and all, the other workers hadn't exactly been thrilled about him being on board. Thus, work wasn't really a fun time for him.

"Ah..it's..it's not that bad. I've made a lot of friends. So far it's been very rewarding. "

"Tell us about your friends, oh, we should definitely meet them sometime-"

Ritsu's swore his heart skipped a beat.

"It's um. There's. There's just so many, where should I start?"

Fuck.

He couldn't have fucked that up worse. He was useless, couldn't even conjure up one thought out, pathetic lie.

"Well, who's your closest one?"

He had to think. His heart beat faster and faster, feeling his family's waiting stares on him. They wanted something. Wanted to see that he was a normal person. That was his role, after all. He had to be the normal one, the composed one. If he couldn't even do that, then..

"Well, go on! We won't judge! I'm sure you've made plenty of friends by now."

The lights suddenly became slightly too bright, as if they wanted to annoy him personally. He was quickly becoming hyperaware of everything around him, miniscule details making him brush against his limit, but not quite pushing him to it, either. It was a feeling he knew all too well.

They were staring. Waiting for him to answer.

He opened his mouth, desperately hoping that in the heat of the moment, something would come out instinctively, and he wouldn't vomit all over the table.

Think. Think.

He just needed to-

"Ah-"

The window behind him shattered on the spot, the tiny glass shards falling on the floor.

What. The fuck.

For a few seconds, nothing but silence could be heard.

"Sh-Shigeo!"

His mother shrieked.

Ritsu swallowed, watching intently as his brother looked straight at him, a sharp piercing stare, yet completely neutral at the same time.

"I..I didn't do that. "

Ritsu tuned out the voices, focusing on the glass shards scattered all over the surface of the kitchen floor. It was as if a ringing had overtook his sense of hearing, making it impossible to focus on anything else.

Almost like a spasm, he shot out of the chair, standing up. It fell to the floor with a loud clank, but Ritsu couldn't hear the sound of the impact, not even a little bit.

Everyone was staring.

He needed to get away immediately. He couldn't do it. Not even for a second longer. He was so tired. Tired of pretending everything was okay. Tired of having to keep on this facade, this lie. He wasn't the perfect son. He was the farthest thing from it. He was a failure. A failure that had made zero friends in four years. A failure that couldn't manage to work anymore just because he felt a little sad. A failure that was so unremarkable and bitter, that he had ruined a whole relationship out of jealously. A failure that dragged everything down with him.

Ritsu Kageyama was a failure, in every possible aspect.

He ran out of the house in a daze, not caring that he could faintly hear people calling him from behind. All that mattered was that little voice screaming in his ear for him to get the fuck out.

He didn't even process it when he reached the porch of the house, how he had gotten there in the first place. The chilly outside air certainly didn't help with the oncoming panic attack. Ritsu closed his eyes and gripped the edges of his button down, now realizing it had gotten untucked from his pants, and with his shaky grip the fabric had begun to get folded and frayed.

He needed to calm the fuck down right now.

Patting down his pockets, he located exactly what he needed. A small grey, metal box. He finally relaxed a bit, knowing that calmness would soon be near. Taking out a cigarette from the box and lighting in with the lighter located in his back pocket, he pushed it against his lips shakily, and inhaled as much as he could. The burning feeling soon engulfed his lungs, making him close his eyes in relief.

Jesus, maybe he was addicted.

He knew that if he got caught right now, things would only get worse. His image would be ruined further.

But for the first time in his life, he weirdly didn't seem to care.

His hands were still shaking, but maybe not as much as before. So, nothing else mattered. Taking the cigarette from his lips between his pointer and index finger, he exhaled, letting out a large amount of smoke. He watched with half lidded eyes as the smoke disappeared slowly into the air, finally feeling a little calmer.

He slowly stepped forth, hesitantly sitting down on the curb in front of their house, looking at the cracked asphalt.

So much for the image of the perfect son. He hadn't even been able to hold it down for more than a day. Ritsu let out a huff of air.

Before he could overthink any more, he could hear a door closing behind him. Heavy yet stable footsteps, clicking on the concrete stairs of the porch. The person didn't say anything. Shigeo. It was definitely him, but Ritsu couldn't bring himself to look back and face his brother.

"...Mom and dad are worried. They think they stressed you out too much. "

Ritsu didn't have the heart to tell him that was exactly what had happened. It wasn't  their fault, so it didn't matter.

"..What happened? Did..I-I know that- but..did you break the window, Ritsu..?"

He swallowed. He had put off thinking about the window. It was a territory he couldn't even begin to imagine himself thinking about. He didn't want to make himself hope again, after all these years, just to be disappointed.

"..You know I don't have powers, Shigeo."

His brother sighed and stayed silent, something Ritsu was grateful for. Or, was. Because just when he thought Shigeo had left him alone to wallow in peace once more, he sat beside him on the curb.

"I didn't know you smoked."

It wasn't said in a judgemental way, but it still made Ritsu want to cry, as he quickly put out the lit cigarette on the side of the pavement.

"Yeah well. It's been four years, Shigeo. There's a lot you don't know about me. "

For about two minutes, both of them stayed silent. By that point, Shigeo had surely realized that Ritsu had no intent to initiate conversation, but for some reason he still stayed there, beside Ritsu's side. Even though he had been nothing but dismissive and rude.

He couldn't even begin to predict what his brother's next words would be. What could he even say? Was there anything to be said? Their relationship was in shambles, anyways.

Ritsu wouldn't want to talk to someone like himself either.

He couldn't look his brother in the eye, not even a glance.

"Well, you could tell me..? What I don't know, I mean. If you want to."

He couldn't stop the pathetic exhale that left his mouth, something close to a laugh. Or maybe, more of a cry.

Everything that he had tried so fucking hard to conceal, Shigeo just wanted him to tell. As if it was that easy.

In a moment of courage, or perhaps spite, he looked at his brother straight in the eye.

"I can..I can tell you! I don't know you, Shigeo. And you don't know me, either, so quit acting like you do!"

His words were sharp, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. All these years wasted, just to please someone that didn't even matter. Shigeo's face looked hurt, and Ritsu did not care.

He was the worst person on the entire planet.

He looked ahead again, eyes burning holes into the surface of the road.

"I'm a mess, nii-san. I quit my job, I left everything behind- I-i'm so fucking stupid-"

He guessed in the end, he had told Shigeo anyways.

He curled into himself, gripping the pavement so hard his nails were grinding against it agonizingly. He had admitted it. Admitted how much of a clueless, stupid person he was. It was hard to stop the tears, now. He watched as they slowly dripped down,. Falling onto the road he was facing.

"Ritsu.."

Shigeo's tone was concerned. Ritsu had never hear tone of voice come from his brother's mouth, it sounded plain wrong. He was always the one doing the comforting, after all. He never imagined being on the receiving end could feel so terrible.

A heavy hand grazed against his back, hesitantly placing itself there. For a second, Ritsu stopped crying and just let himself process his brother's touch. Earlier in the day, he had hated it, sure that it was some sort of attempt at forced brotherly bonding. Now, he was pretty sure if Shigeo pulled his hand away Ritsu would burst into tears once more. He really nothing but a pathetic child.

"Ritsu, please look at me."

In the end, he had forced himself to uncurl, wiping at his eyes pathetically with his sleeve. He lingered on just a moment, unable to bring himself to look. Trying to gather up the courage to face his brother, he eventually did it about half a minute later.

Ritsu's eyes widened.

He was smiling.

Shigeo was smiling.

A smile that was so bright, so contagious, yet as subtle and gentle as it had been all those years ago, when they were still children.

"It doesn't matter if you have a job or not. None of that matters to us, okay? Mom, dad, me. We don't want you to be perfect. We just want you to he happy. I..I want you to be happy. "

He felt like he was ten years old again, small and unsure.

"But I have to! I have to have a job! If I don't..all of this- did I do it all for nothing?!"

Shigeo looked down suddenly, as if he was deep in thought.

"I think.. I think only you can decide that for yourself. But. If you think having a job will help you, I can definitely find something for you to do at the office. Just..until you get back on your feet again. If.. you want to of course."

How could he even respond to that? After Shigeo had seen how incompetent he was, how he couldn't even do a single thing right, how in one day he had fucked up more times than he could count, Shigeo still wanted to help him. After everything.

A single teardrop slid down his cheek slowly.

"How c-can you say that? How can you not-t hate me..?"

His brother's expression changed, eyebrows furrowing slightly.

Ritsu's eyes scanned him tiredly, trying to predict the next move he would make.

He was suddenly reminded then. How hard it always had been to read his brother's intention. A million thoughts ran in his head, hoping to make sense of the expression that he was seeing in front of him.

His brother unexpectedly reached out closer, engulfing him in a hug. Ritsu couldn't help the way he flinched slightly.

Shigeo was..warm. Warmer than the smoke that grazed the insides of his lungs when he smoked. Warmer than how he felt when he had taken all those pills. Right there, in his brother's arms, with his heavy grey coat draped over him, he felt warmer than ever before.

A few more tears slipped from his eyes.

"Ritsu, you could never do something to make me hate you. I'll always be here for you. Because, I'm your big brother. I might not have been the best brother in the past. I'm sorry. But..from now on, I want to be there. I want you to feel like you can talk to me, like you don't have to lie. We can still fix this."

All thoughts had left him long ago.

Ritsu could do nothing but cry into his big brother's shoulder.

Maybe there was a better way after all.

Maybe he didn't need to force himself to be miserable. God knows he'd done that enough.

Here, in his brother's arms, he thought that maybe he deserved happiness too.