Chapter Text
The ding of the elevator signals it’s arrival to the floor of your apartment. You groan as you push off of the wall, your book bag weighing heavy on your shoulders. Whoever said the first year of law school is the most difficult wasn’t kidding, it’s been kicking your ass for the last seven months. The only thing keeping you motivated for the next three months is the knowledge of getting the summer off to spend more time with your girlfriend.
You sigh in relief when you make it through the door of your shared apartment and you can finally drop your bag from your shoulders. You spot your girlfriend Natasha sitting at the dining table, eyebrows furrowed as she leans forward toward her computer screen, teeth chewing harshly at her fingernail. You spot the Indeed logo at the corner of the webpage.
“Hey,” you say softly as you approach her. You drape yourself across her back, pressing a kiss into the soft dark hair atop her head, wrapping an arm around her chest and pulling her hand from her lips. You can feel her relax at your touch and you smile into her head as you breathe in the scent of her shampoo. “How’s the job hunt going?”
You feel her sigh more than hear it as she responds, “It’s not. All I can find are more of the same soul sucking jobs I have now. Why did I think majoring in business would be a good idea?” She whines as she leans back, tilting her head back to look up at you. “I even tried looking at non profit companies, but they all sound just as bad.”
You run your finger along her forehead, pushing a few strands of hair out of the way. You can feel your heart break a little bit at the sadness in her eyes. “Have you tried looking at anything for physics? You’ve got a minor in it, that might be enough to get you in the door somewhere.” You suggest.
She studies your eyes for a few seconds before a wide grin splits her face. “What?” You question around half of a laugh.
Her eyes soften as she says, “I’m just thinking of my first physics class at Georgia.”
“You loved it.” You return, your own smile forming.
“You hated it.” She teases.
You think back to that class. Monday morning, the first day of sophomore year. The professor droning on about force and torque and other shit you could never understand. The dark haired girl who sat next to you, whose brown eyes and bright smile you haven’t been able to stop thinking about in the last four years. “I liked parts of it.”
Those eyes bore into yours now, the same love reflected back at you. “You know, I used to think you just pretended to be bad at it so we could study together.”
“Oh no, it was awful.” You say seriously, before grinning. “The study dates were just an added bonus.”
“I’m really glad you sat next to me that first day.” Nat says softly.
“Me too.” You smile, kissing her forehead and rubbing your thumbs along her temples. “Even if it did take you until the end of the semester to finally ask me out.” You tease.
“I was nervous!” She defends quickly. “Plus, if you had said no it would’ve made class unbearable.”
“I couldn’t have said no even if I wanted to.” You state.
Nat smiles before sitting up and shifting to sit sideways in the dining chair. She pulls you around and down into her lap, squeezing your knee and wrapping an arm around you, trailing her fingers along your side. “How was your day?” She asks from where she’s buried her head in your neck, her warm breath ghosting over your skin.
“Long.” You sigh, wrapping your arms around her shoulders. “I had torts today though so it could’ve been worse.”
You feel her smile against you. “You’re such a nerd.”
“Whatever.” You smile. “Cora asked if we wanted to go out to Sidebar tonight? I guess the Knicks are playing the Hawks.” You say, pulling back to gaze down at Nat. You shift so you’re straddling her on the chair, your hands sliding up to cup her face. “And I was thinking, maybe we could take a nice relaxing bath first?” You husk, quirking a brow at her as you lean down closer.
You can see the smile in her eyes as your breath mingles together in the small space between you. “I like the way you think.” She responds lowly as she pulls you closer, her hands having found their way under your shirt against your lower back, already working it up.
Nat sits on the blue line, scrolling through her phone searching for jobs. You had told her you were going to meet Sophie and Cora for dinner after your last class, asking her if she wanted to join you guys.
Nat had declined, telling you she’d had a long day at work and just wanted to go home and relax. That was part of the reason; anyway. She had had a bad day at work, but she didn’t want to bring her sour mood to your dinner, either. She’d been job hunting for what felt like forever and still hadn’t had any luck. What she wanted now was to go home and sulk by herself.
She sighed, locking her phone and sliding it into her pocket. Maybe she’d have better luck tomorrow.
“Everything alright?” She hears someone across from her ask.
She looks up and sees a guy sitting on the seat across from her, a little older than her, with a short and tidy hair cut and clean shaven face. He looks at her with a polite smile and unassuming eyes.
Nat musters up a tiny smile in return as she says, “just job searching.” When he doesn’t say anything, only gazes at her expectantly, she adds, “It’s not going well.”
He gives her a little nod of understanding before he asks, “What are you looking for?”
Nat laughs, devoid of any real humor. “Anything that’ll get me out of corporate America.”
“That is a tough shtick.” He winces. “What did you major in?”
“Business.” She sighs. “With a minor in physics.” She adds with a shrug.
He gives her an amused smile and squints his eyes. “How do business and physics go together?”
“They don’t, really.” She laughs. “I took a physics elective my sophomore year. I really liked it so I took some more, ended up with a minor by the time I graduated.”
“So if you liked physics, why’d you stick with business?” He questions.
“I knew I didn’t want to do research or teach,” she shrugs. “I wasn’t sure what else I could do with physics, so I stuck with business.”
“That’s very practical of you.” He nods.
“I guess you could call it that.” She sighs. “What about you? What do you do?”
“Oh, I’m in the Navy.”
Her ears perk at his response, and she sits a little taller in her seat. “Really? What do you do in the Navy?”
“Well I used to be a helicopter pilot, but I had an accident that messed up my hearing.” He says, gesturing to the aid Nat can now see in his left ear. “Now I’m a recruiter.”
Nat nods thoughtfully, giving him a once over. “Do you like it?”
He smiles widely, “Oh yeah. I love It.” He states confidently. “Helping people realize their potential, fulfill dreams they sometimes didn’t even know they had? It’s amazing.”
Nat nods at his answer, noticing the excitement in his tone as he talks about his work. The genuineness of his smile and the assuredness in his eyes. He glances up at the screen showing the next stop quickly, before looking back at her.
“What’s your name?” He asks.
“Nat.”
“I’ll tell you what, Nat,” he says, reaching into his pocket. “My stops next, but take my card.” He hands her his card, his name and title written on the bottom. “If you want to stop by, we could talk about it more. Maybe I can help you with your job search.” He stands, taking a step towards the door of the train car. “With your background, you might even be interested in a flight contract.” He tells her as the car comes to a stop. “No harm no foul if you’re not interested, but it’s something to think about.”
He exists the car, leaving her sitting there at it starts up again. She looks down at the card in her hand, reading the office address and making a note of its location. She smiles to herself as she slides the card into her pocket. It’s the lightest she’s felt in weeks.
“Alright ladies, drinks!” You say excitedly as you slide into the booth across from Cora and Sophie, passing bottles and glasses to them. “I told the bartender we’d take a basket of fries too.”
“Oh perfect, I’m starved.” Sophie moans, bringing her glass to her lips.
“Maybe if you’d quit working so hard and started taking lunch breaks, you wouldn’t be.” Cora fires off, sending her a pointed look over the rim of her bottle.
Sophie just rolls her eyes, turning her attention across the table to you. “No Nat tonight?”
You deflate a little bit at the mention of your girlfriend, “No. She said she had a late meeting.” You frown.
Cora and Sophie share a glance before looking back at you. “How’s her job hunt going?” Cora ventures.
It’s a fair question. One you should probably know the answer to, but Nat stopped talking to you about her job search weeks ago. You would ask about it, but she’d get so cagey you always dropped it. You figured she wanted a break from it, maybe needed some space. So you’d stopped asking.
“I don’t know.” You shrug. “I’m not sure it is going, she won’t really talk about it lately.” You say, frowning at the table in front of you.
“Is she okay?” Sophie asks.
“I don’t know. I think so?” You say, running your hand through your hair. “She hasn’t been as sad about her job lately, which is great!” You take a deep breath before adding, “But she’s been quieter lately too.” She’s never been this quiet, you think. Never felt this far away. “I just –, I want to help her, but I don’t even know what’s wrong.” You exclaim, dropping your arms onto the table and slumping in your seat. “Am I just being crazy?”
“You’re not being crazy.” Sophie assures you, lying her hand on your arm.
“You’re totally being crazy.” Cora injects. Sophie glares at her. “What?” She demands, raising her shoulders defensively. “Look,” She sighs, “Nat loves you, okay? She thinks you hang the moon. You guys are so meant for each other it’s kind of gross.” She implores.
Sophie sighs, rolling her eyes before looking back at you. “What she is trying to say,” She starts, “is that everything is going to be fine, okay? Whatever is going on you guys will work through it, you always do.”
You take a deep breath before smiling gratefully at her. “Thanks.”
She returns your smile, giving your arm a squeeze. “Now, I’m gonna go get a menu before my stomach eats itself. I’ll grab another round while I’m up.”
You push through the door of your apartment, a takeout bag with your girlfriends favorite burrito hanging from your hand, frowning at how dark it is. You flick the light switch, illuminating the living area.
“Nat? Baby?” You call out into the apartment. Silence is your only answer. Your frown deepens as you check the time. It’s still fairly early, but it’s late enough that you thought she would’ve been home by now. You make your way to you kitchen, sighing as you set the bag on the counter. You think about calling her, but you don’t want to interrupt her if she’s busy. You told yourself you’d give her space.
You don’t have to wait long for her to come home, not even an hour, but your deep in your constitutional law notes when she comes through the door.
“Hey,” She greets you. If you weren’t so distracted, you might’ve noticed how chipper her tone was. How bright her eyes looked. The little skip in her step.
Not that it would’ve prepared you anyway.
“Hey,” You reply, barely glancing up from where you’re marking in your book. “I got you a burrito from Rreal.”
“Oh, thanks.” She says, a little breathless. “I have something to tell you.” She clears her throat. When you look up at her she’s wringing her hands in front of her, shifting on her feet.
“What is it?” You ask quietly.
“Don’t get mad.” She says quickly, holding her hands in front of her.
You frown, sitting up a little straighter. “Okay.” You say slowly, feeling a knot growing in your stomach.
“I found a new job.”
You exhale, relief dissipating the knot that had formed.
“Babe!” You smile widely. “That’s great! Why would I be mad about that?”
She grimaces, glancing down before looking back at you. “I joined the Navy.”
The knot starts to form again, even bigger this time, as the smile falls from your face.
“What?” You ask.
She steps forward once. “I met this guy, a few weeks ago, on the MARTA.” She starts hurriedly, hands gesticulating wildly in front of her. “And it turns out he was a recruiter. And he gave me his card, and so I went to see him.” She swallows before continuing. “And he started telling me about what he did, when he was a pilot. And what it was like, and the purpose it gave him. And the difference he felt like he was making.”
You listen to her words, but they sound so foreign in your ears. It’s like she’s not even speaking English.
“The purpose it gave him?” You manage to question.
“Yes!” She exclaims. “The good he was doing! What purpose do I have, working at this job I hate for these people who only care about themselves?”
You stand from your seat, still staring unbelievingly at her. “The purpose of life is to achieve happiness – “
She interrupts you, squeezing her eyes shut and rubbing at her forehead, “Please do not use your philosophy degree on me right now – “
“Then please start making sense, Nat, because right now you aren’t.” You plead.
She opens her eyes, boring into your own. You can see conviction clear behind the brown of her iris’s. “I need to do something that isn’t business or corporate or any of this bullshit that I’ve been doing for the last year.”
You stare at her, mouth agape, before asking quietly, “What about us?”
She shakes her head, taking another step towards you. “We can make it work!”
You look away, pulling your lips between your teeth. You can feel the heat beginning to burn behind your eyes, but you take a deep breath, willing the tears at bay. “Where is officer training?”
She sighs, “Rhode Island. And I know it’s far but it’s only three months – “
“And then what?” You interrupt harshly. “Flight school? And where is that?”
She hesitates before answering. “Pensacola.”
“Still not here?” You tut.
“It’s not that far.” She defends, shaking her head. “We can – “
“What? Visit each other? While you’re swamped with flight school and I’m swamped with law school?” You point out angrily, voice raising.
Nat takes a deep breath before pleading, “We can make this work.”
“And after flight school? Where will you go then?” You demand, planting your hands on your hips. She doesn’t answer, so you answer for her. “You don’t know. Because they’ll send you wherever they want.”
“It won’t be forever.” She tries again to defend her actions. “We can make long distance work while we have to, but we’ll be together again?”
“When?” You yell. “In a year? Two? How long even is your commitment?”
“Eight years.” She whispers.
“Eight years?” You cry, raking your hand through your hair. “Jesus Christ, Nat, what were you even thinking?” You demand. “I know it wasn’t about us!”
“That’s not true – “
You can feel the tears building more and more. Piling up in the corner of your eyes, spilling silently over your cheeks. “What about the life we were building?” You interrupt. “The one we would stay up all night talking about?” You laugh, but your voice is devoid of humor. “You know, where we would get married, and buy a house, and get a dog? The one where we’d have kids one day? What about that?”
“We can still do that!” Nat yells, her own tears starting to stain her cheeks.
“How? How can we still do that?” You demand. “We won’t even live in the same state! We’ll never see each other!” You have to struggle now to keep your breathing even. To fight to even get your voice to make words around the choke building in your throat. “For eight years Nat! Eight fucking years! And that’s if you decide not to stay in.”
“Babe – “ She whimpers.
Natasha stands in front of you, tears streaming down her cheeks and face contorted in pain. Your girlfriend of the last four years, the woman you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, looks the same as she always has.
You’re not sure you even recognize her.
“Get out.” You whisper.
She looks up at you, lips wobbling. “What?”
“I said get out.”
“No – “
She takes a step forward, you take one back.
“You made this decision on your own, you never even considered me – “
“That’s not true!” She denies, vehement.
“It is!” You yell. “It is true or I wouldn’t be hearing about it for the first time now!” You study the pain in her eyes for a second. You can only imagine how your own must work. “If this is the life you want then fine, but there’s no room for us in it. You didn’t leave any.” You accuse. “So get out of my apartment.” You grit out, pointing harshly towards the door.
You don’t know how long it takes. How long you have to watch her broken before you before she finally makes it out. But as soon as you hear the click of the latch you feel your knees give out. You crumple to the floor, sobbing into your knees.
This morning you woke up whole, but she’s shattered you into a million pieces.