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The Archerons and the Davenports were close families. Mainly because they lived close to one another in the countryside, it was only natural that these two noble families befriended themselves. Viscount Archeron was a kind man married to an ambitious woman. The Earl of Illyria was a sharp man married to a lovely woman.
Each family had three children, three brothers, and three sisters. The first one to be born was named Rhysand, the heir to the title. In the same year, a girl was born, and they gave her the name of Nesta, and her mother and Rhys’ mother jested that their children should marry in the future so the families would unite. But even as babies, Nesta and Rhys were not fond of each other. A year later, the earl and his countess welcomed another baby boy to the world, Azriel. The last member of that family came along a year later, Cassian. The viscountess was hoping for a boy so they could have an heir, but the viscount was not disappointed when a beautiful girl was born, Elain. And the last girl they had was Feyre.
Elain and Azriel were the most equal in temper, so it made sense that they were drawn to each other for some peace and quiet. They spend a lot of time in each other's company, playing together, exploring the grounds of their families’ property, stealing sweets from the kitchens, sinking their feet in the lake, and riding their ponies. One time his brothers wanted to play with him, and Elain wanted to come, but as Rhys being the oldest and in that phase where boys don’t want little girls’ company, called her clingy and made her cry, Rhys found out how cold his brother could be. Azriel was there for her when her mother made her start piano lessons, and she was so terrible at it, but he always stayed and applauded her. When he was 12 and needed to go to boys' school, Elain had cried because of how much she was going to miss him, he dried her tears and told her he would be back in a few months and suggested that they should exchange letters, and she was so excited about that idea that she always wrote to him, about anything, everything and he always wrote her back. The boys at his school teased him about his friendship with her, but he refused to budge, refused to share anything about her with them, she was only his.
When she was 16, her older sister was preparing to debut in society, but then their mother died, and he came to the funeral and held her hand, and stayed longer than he should have. After the mourning period, Nesta was finally ready to debut with Countess of Illyria as her chaperone. The families went to the city to participate in the season, but as Elain and Feyre hadn’t come out, they could not attend any ball or event.
While her father and sister were away for Nesta’s first ball, Elain sat in the garden of her home while drinking warm milk and looking at the stars that were shining bright tonight. She heard soft steps and already knew who they belonged to. “Shouldn’t you be dancing with countless single ladies at this moment?” Elain asked without looking at him.
Azriel approached her, dressed to the nines, except his gloves and cravat were missing. He removed the glass from her hand and placed it on the table. “The only lady I wish to dance to is right here.” He offered his hand to her, and when she accepted it, he pulled her to a slow dance, the only music being the beating of their hearts. He looked into her beautiful brown eyes, which had him in its grasp ever since he looked at them all those years ago.
“What are you doing here?” she asked him.
“Are you not happy to see me?” he replied with a soft smile.
She rolled her eyes, “I am always happy to see you. But you know what I mean.” She poked his shoulder.
He let go of her even if his hands begged not to. He sighed, “I danced with Nesta, and almost couldn’t keep up because she’s good at it, and is going to conquer some suitors just by dancing with them.” They sat together on the chairs. “But I wasn’t joking when I said I only wanted to dance with you. The ball was full of people I wasn’t interested in, a lot of them very petty and frivolous. I missed you, so I left, simple as that.”
She smiled at him, and he knew he was right to come here. Her smiles always soothed his soul. “Well, when I debut in a couple of years, you won’t leave the ballroom because I will be there too.”
“I will claim your first dance. And the second.” Azriel replied smiling, “Is it inappropriate if I also claim the third?”
She giggled, “That way you will scare off all of my suitors.”
He stopped smiling. An uncomfortable silence settled between them. He did not want to think about other men wanting her, and they would want her, he was sure she would be the diamond of her season. No one could ever compare to her.
She cleared her throat, “Do you think Nesta might find a husband this season?”
“I think it is highly possible. And I am sure she already sat eyes on gentlemen with titles and deep pockets.”
“It is what she wants.”
“And you?” he questioned her, “What do you want from a marriage?”
She fidgeted her hands, “To be happy, I guess.”
He considered her answer, and his mind started working on ways to turn the conversation so he could reach his objective. Her.
“If you truly want to be happy, maybe you should look elsewhere, other than a ballroom. Don’t go looking where people are only interested in status and connections.”
Elain wetted her lips, studying his face, understanding what he wanted to say. She always understood him. “I’ve heard friendship is a solid foundation for a marriage.”
“Yes. Yes, I’ve heard that too. Marry a friend, and you will be happy.”
“Are you volunteering?”
A slight blush bloomed on his cheeks, but regardless of the nervousness, he gave her a firm nod. “It will spare me from having to face more social events and to have to dance with shallow ladies. You know my mother can’t wait to marry us, she will push us at them.”
She bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing, “That is the worst wedding proposal.” He shrugged. “And what do I get from our marriage?” she asked.
“Me, obviously.” She swatted his arm. He chuckled, “Sorry.” Azriel took her hand and kissed her fingertips, “You will get everything.” He vouched.
She accepted his answer. “I think it is a good idea.”
“I think it is the best idea.”
“When shall we get married?”
“What about at the end of your first season? So that way you can enjoy it fully.” And after that, you will be all mine.
She agreed. She bit her lip and looked at Azriel, filling herself with courage, “You know… I can think of a better reason to base our marriage on, better than friendship.”
He gulped, “Really? What is it?”
“Love.”
He reached out and tucked a loose curl behind her ear, and with his heart beating faster he approached the same ear to whisper, “I love you.”
She opened a big smile, “Then I think we will have the happiest of marriages.”
Elain realized she was in love with Azriel when she was 13, and he came home for the summer. He was taller and stronger, but still smiled at her with the same smile, still was kind and gentle with her, and she knew that her life could never be without him.
Azriel always knew he was in love with Elain. There wasn’t a day in his life, as far as he could remember, that he didn’t love her. It was ingrained in his being. There were many times that he wanted to admit to her his affection, but every time he worked up the courage, the darkest parts of him invaded his thoughts and consumed him with doubt about her feeling the same, and he didn’t wish to make a fool of himself and lose her. So he was fine to pine in secret. But now he knew that she loved him back.
And as they stayed in the garden gazing at the sky, they were thrilled about how the night turned out.
———
Azriel was a second son, which meant he would have to find a vocation that suited his position. He could have gone to university, but he didn’t want to. He decided the best option for him was the military, so he joined his country’s army.
Dear Azriel,
My sister said that from now on I couldn’t write directly to you because young ladies shouldn’t write to single men (yes, I am a young lady). So I hope this letter finds you (I gave it to Rhys so he could send it along with his). Is it too early to say that I miss you? Because I do. I’ve always hated when you were gone. Maybe I should join the army too! Alright, you know I’m kidding, I would hate to exercise. How are you settling there? Tell me everything.
Yours,
Elain.
My Elain,
I’m not a single man, I’m engaged, remember? Maybe you should tell your sister that. But, she’s also right, we can’t risk tainting your reputation. You can trust Rhys to always deliver my letters to you. I always miss you. If you joined the army, I’m sure we would reach peace with just a smile from you (everyone would want to do your bidding). I’m anxious to prove my worth here, to show everyone that I deserve the patent I got. You know we’re always on the brink of war, but before you get preoccupied, I promise to be safe. How is everyone doing? I’m counting the days until I get another letter from you. And I’m counting the days until I get back so we can marry.
With love,
Azriel.
Dear Azriel,
I gathered my sisters and told them I had some surprising news to share. I told them about our arrangement, and they both said, “What is surprising about that?” I found it to be funny as they never agree on anything. Feyre said she always thought we looked handsome together (I’m sure you can already picture the blush coating my cheeks), and Nesta said she would kill you (yes, no ifs, I guess that’s for you to figure out). I didn’t tell papa because he would probably join the enemy’s army so he could shoot you. I know you will be the best in whatever you are, can’t wait to hear about your success. And of course, I will always worry about you, and if you don’t keep sending me news about your well-being, my heart will break. Everyone is well. You were right about Nesta marrying this year. She got a proposal from a Duke! He is old and will probably pass away in a couple of years (I don’t mean to be mean, but it is true), but he is a Duke, which satisfies her. Mama must be celebrating from the grave that her eldest daughter is going to be a Duchess. I can’t wait to hear from you. Sending all my love.
Yours,
Elain.
For a time they exchanged letters consistently, even as Azriel got deeply entangled with the War Department. But when Elain turned 19, and it was the season she was going to debut, she kept writing to him, but his replies were scarce until there were none.
Dear Azriel,
You missed my debut. You weren’t here to claim my first dance or the second one. But that’s alright, I’m sure you must be busy. At least I know you are well, it is what Rhys tells me, anyway. Oh, and I’ve received your flowers, there was no note, but I know they’re yours, who else would’ve got me my favorite ones (tulips)? Thank you, they are lovely. You still have the whole season to show up because you promised me we would wed. I will be waiting for you.
Yours,
Elain.
Dear Azriel,
It’s my second season, and I still haven’t heard from you. I keep writing because it is my way to talk to you, even if you don’t reply. I miss you. Do you miss me? I hope you’re alright. And I also hope that you will come back this year. People always say that I'm too hopeful.
Yours,
Elain.
Azriel,
Almost at the end of my third season now. I can’t stand the looks of pity Rhys sends on my way when I ask him if there’s any letter for me. I don’t need pity. I need you. He always tells me you are alive and healthy, and truly there’s nothing that I want more. If you are fine, then I’m fine too. But I also realized that maybe I’ve been bothering you all those years. I'm sorry it took me too long to understand that if you’re not writing back it is because you want nothing to do with me. I’m sorry. This is the last letter I will send you.
From Elain.
My Elain,
Don’t apologize. It’s I that should. It’s just that I’ve been… I…
———
Elain was twenty-three, and she felt old. Compared to the rest of the single ladies of this season, she was practically a spinster, and she did not want to be a spinster. She wanted to get married and have children, but she has been neglecting suitors for the past few years because of him, but now that she knew she could never have him, she started to pay attention to the rest of the gentlemen.
There was a young lord that swept her off her feet with his pretty face and easy smile. They enjoyed each other’s company, and he seemed to be interested in the whole of her. It was no surprise when he propositioned her, and she accepted it. She felt she could be happy with him. The agreements were made, and they were set to wed in a month.
A week later, Azriel received an envelope from his brother with a note and a piece of newspaper. The note said, “You are an idiot.” The piece of the newspaper was a social column that said, “Lord Graysen, son of the Marquess of Nolan, is to wed with Miss Elain Archeron, daughter of Viscount Archeron. The ceremony is expected to take place in St. Cauldron’s Cathedral on the third Sunday of the next month.”
Azriel’s heart started racing, his emotions unstable, and his thoughts swirling. This shouldn’t be happening. But of course, it should, he left her in silence for almost five years, without an explanation. He abused her patience. But she was his, she would always be. Who was this man that thought that he could have her? He needed to do something, the idea of losing her forever was so unbearable that suddenly all of what he endured the last few years didn’t matter, she was the only one that did. He checked the calendar, considering the time he would have to settle his affairs, the distance he would have to travel, when he reached her he would have less than 2 weeks to stop this nonsense of a wedding. He crumpled the papers and threw them in the fire, he started rubbing his forehead, a headache forming, if he lost her it would be all his fault. He truly was an idiot.
———
Ten days until the wedding
Elain woke up startled. An odd feeling set on her gut, her eyes trying to adapt to the darkness of her room. But wait, it was not that dark, one of her windows was open, the dim light of the moon shining inside her bedroom. Strange, she didn’t remember letting that open. She rose from her bed and went to her window to close it, the night was too chill to let it open.
She felt a rough hand coming atop her mouth to prevent her from screaming. She started thrashing against the arm that came to hold her tight by her waist, desperation consuming her until she heard a voice that made her terror melt away.
“Elain.” He breathed in her ear. She spent too many years without hearing her name coming out of his lips. His voice was deeper than she remembered, but she would always recognize it. He let go of her, and she turned around to face him. Azriel.
She took a step back and closed her eyes. It was probably a dream, she was dreaming again of him. She always dreamt of him.
He took the time that she had her eyes closed to let his wander through the entirety of her. The light of the moon shone behind her, illuminating her for his gaze. Her golden brown hair was loose, framing her face and body, he wanted to wrap it around his hand. Her pretty lips were still as perfect as he remembered, they begged for a kiss. And the rest of her… She was a woman now, the most beautiful one that could ever exist.
“You are so beautiful.” He said. He never told her before, not because he wasn’t aware of that, he always knew she was beautiful, but he preferred to call her cute or pretty just to mask his feelings. He wasn’t going to hide now.
Those words made her come out of her stupor. She opened her eyes, he was still there, he really was there. She approached him with a hesitant step as if afraid he would vanish from her view. She raised her hand, and with the tips of her fingers, she traced his features, his chin, his sharp cheekbones, his classical nose, and his lips. He was real, and she was touching him after all those years. All those years without seeing him, without talking to him, because he had abandoned her.
He stopped breathing. Wherever she touched him it tingled. How could he have lived without the feeling of her touch?
She pulled her hand back and surprised him with a slap.
“I guess I deserved that,” Azriel said.
She clenched her hands. “What are you doing here?” Years ago she had asked him that same question, and the night ended with them agreeing that they should marry each other. But tonight the question was bitter to her tongue and his ears.
“I came to see you, obviously.” He replied.
She laughed without humor. “That is not obvious. What is obvious is that you shunned me for years for whatever reason, and suddenly you appear out of nowhere in my room.” Her eyes bugged when she realized what she had just said, “Oh my god, you’re in my room in the middle of the night. It is insanity. Are you trying to ruin me?”
Yes. “No. I arrived in the city an hour ago and had to see you. It’s not the first time I sneak into your room through your window, so it was only natural for me. The vines are even stronger now.”
“We’re not children anymore. And you lost any right you had.”
His eyes assessed her. Angry red splashed on her cheeks, reflecting what she was feeling. And of course, she had every right. “I know that. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
Silence stretched until she asked again, “What are you doing here?”
His gaze flicked to her hand, “I’ve heard that you were getting married.” He took her hand to take a look at the ring that was on her finger. Did her fiancé really give her a ring made of iron with pearl-and-diamonds? Azriel scoffed. It was very distasteful. She didn’t even like pearls. He already had the perfect ring for her, he kept it with himself for years, it was a family heirloom, a golden band with a blue gemstone, and he knew she would like it because he knew everything about her.
She was caught up by surprise by the rough feeling of his hand. She had noticed when he covered her mouth earlier, but now she could see it. His hands were covered in scars from what looked like burnt wounds. What had happened to the hands that always caught her before she could fall? The hands that dried her tears, hands that picked flowers for her, hands that seek to hold her own.
He noticed what she was looking at and let go of her hand. Waiting for her questioning. She looked into his eyes. She was starting to understand. But it was not the time nor the place to get those kinds of answers.
“If you wish to speak with me, come tomorrow at a proper time. And use the front door.” Elain told him.
His lips twitched, and hope bloomed in his chest. She might forgive him sooner than expected.
———
Nine days until the wedding
He knocked on the Archeron’s door and waited for someone to open it. One of his hands held a bouquet of her favorite flowers. He was feeling a bit nervous, but his face didn’t express any of those turmoil feelings. The butler opened the door, looked at him, and only raised one eyebrow, “May I assist you, sir?”
“It’s me, Azriel.” The butler was an old man who had known Azriel since he was a baby. But not a sign of recognition crossed his features. “Azriel Davenport.”
“Do you have a calling card, sir?”
“No. I don’t have one. But you already know me. Can I come in?”
The butler’s face remained impassive. “May I ask what your business is?”
“I’m here to visit Elain, of course.”
“Miss Archeron,” the butler said pointedly, “is not here at this moment.”
For god’s sake, was he going to have to win back the butler too? “I literally can hear her voice coming from the drawing room. It’s not that big of a house.”
“I’m sure you must be mistaken. I advise you to come back another time.” Which sounded like never. The butler was preparing to close the door in his face, but Azriel took advantage of the space and squeezed himself into the house. His feet guided him to where he knew she was. The butler was coming after him protesting, but he just ignored him.
He entered the room and his eyes landed straight on her. She sat on the sofa with Nesta by her side, a tea set on the table in front of them. Again, she looked beautiful. How could he have spent so much time without gazing at her lovely face? All those years he only had his memory to rely on, but it didn’t do justice to the reality of her.
“Your Grace. Miss Archeron. I apologize, this man just barged in. I will escort him out.” The butler said to the sisters.
They looked to see Azriel inside the room. Nesta narrowed her eyes at him, fire burning in her gaze. Elain remained neutral, although part of her was surprised that he had come because to her it was highly possible that he would leave her again.
“It’s alright. He can stay. Thank you.” Elain addressed the butler, that nodded in acceptance and left the room, but not without throwing a look full of disdain at Azriel.
The sisters rose from their seats to receive him.
“He despises me,” Azriel said, referring to the butler.
“He's not the only one.” The eldest Archeron sister replied.
“Nesta.” He took her hand and placed a brief kiss in greeting.
“It’s Your Grace.” She replied.
“Right. Your Grace. ”
He then turned towards Elain and took her hand to place a long kiss while staring into her eyes. She pulled her hand back. He handed the flowers to her. “Oh, you shouldn’t have, but thank you. They’re beautiful.” She said, placing the flowers in an empty vase on a table by the wall. She gestured to a chair, “Please, take a seat.” They all sat down. “Tea?” She offered him, and he nodded. He watched her graceful hands preparing just the way he liked it, he tried not to smile, pleased by the fact that she remembered. She handed the cup to him, their fingers brushing against each other.
Before he could say anything, Nesta spoke, “You have been quite busy for the last few years, haven’t you?”
“Yes, I have. I fought in many battles. I’ve been to many places.” He replied.
“Hmmm,” Nesta mused. “It’s a shame they don’t provide paper and pen in the military. Maybe I should address this concern with the Queen. I’ll write Her Majesty a letter. Letters are such a good way to communicate, don’t you think?”
Azriel turned to look at Elain, “I had my reasons not to write back. But I’m here now. May I speak with you in private?”
“No,” Nesta replied.
Azriel tried to remain calm, but she was testing his patience. He needed to talk to Elain, to convince herself to forgive him. But he wouldn’t do it with an audience.
“When are you returning to your post?” Elain asked.
“I’m not. I left it. I sold my patent.” He replied.
Elain furrowed her brows, “Really? When?” She took a sip of her tea.
“This week.” He replied, which made her spill her tea. She placed the cup on the table and cleaned her mouth with a napkin. Realization dawned on her features, she was always too quick to understand what he meant to say without him having to.
“Nesta, leave us. Please.” She asked her sister.
Nesta hesitated but rose from her seat, “Fine. But the door stays open.” She left them alone.
Elain stared at him. Her eyes ran through him, taking every inch of what had changed about him. He was taller, his shoulders broader, his skin more sun-kissed, his expression colder and more reserved, and he had bags under his eyes, his hazel eyes that tried to hide some kind of intensity while staring back at her. She thought he was a stranger to her now, but her heart disagreed, beating fast with the familiarity of him.
“Last night you said you heard I was getting married.” She told him, and he nodded. “Is that why you’re here? Is that why you left the career you spent years building?”
“Yes. I came for you.”
She shook her head, “No. You did not.” She started fidgeting with her engagement ring. “I’m not a toy that you could throw away because you got tired of playing with it but now want it back because someone else has it. Nor did I come up with this marriage to lure you to come back.”
He lowered his head in shame, “I know that.”
“Do you? Tell me, if I wasn’t getting married to Graysen,” she started saying, and he hated the sound of that man’s name coming out of her lips. “Would you be here?”
He didn’t reply, but he didn’t have to, she already knew the answer was going to be no.
The years didn’t only change him, they changed her too.
“It was not easy for me to let go of you as it was for you to let go of me,” she said. But she was so wrong, it was the most difficult thing that he had ever done, he had left behind half of himself and the other half was corrupted. She unexpectedly reached him and took his hand, her thumb sweeping across his knuckles, tears lined in her eyes, “I can see that you have something heavy weighting on you, and for all the years we’ve shared, I will hear you out, but today is not the day. You should leave now.”
“Elain,” he pleaded.
“Please, leave. I need time. It’s all very confusing. I look at you and I feel too many different feelings at once.”
He nodded, “Can I come another day?” Azriel asked her, and she acquiesced. “Thank you for having me, it was more than I could have expected or deserved.” And then he left her.
———
Eight days until the wedding
Azriel was thinking that if had the support of a beloved family member of hers, she could forgive him faster, she needed time, but he didn’t have any. Nesta was obviously out of the question, he needed to be alive to marry Elain. He wouldn’t be able to reach Feyre without coming in contact with Nesta. So his only option was the father. And that’s why today he was on his way to the gentlemen's club where he knew the viscount would be. He saw Viscount Archeron sitting alone with a drink in hand. He approached him.
“My lord?” Azriel voiced.
The viscount looked at him, “Azriel, I’m surprised to see you, although I heard that you were in the city. Please, take a seat.”
Azriel sat near him. “I wish to speak with you, my lord.”
“I’m glad to see you alive. What can I do for you?”
Azriel said with confidence, “I wish to marry your daughter.”
The viscount furrowed his brows, “Feyre? Really? You were not the brother I was expecting.”
“Not her.”
“Nesta is a widow, if she wishes to remarry, you don’t have to come to me.”
“Elain.”
Understanding crossed the viscount’s features, he looked at Azriel softly. “It is a bit too late, isn’t it, son?”
“No,” Azriel said fiercely. “She is not married yet.”
The viscount sighed, “You still love her, don’t you?” Azriel nodded. “I always knew that. Her mother believed that you two were going to wed because she said Elain would only marry for love.”
“Does she love him?” Azriel dared to ask even if he was afraid of the answer.
A beat of silence passed, and he replied, “No. I don’t think she does. But you need to understand that she waited for you for three seasons, always hoping you would come back to her. You didn’t. She realized she needed to move on, and found companionship in Graysen. If you love her, then let her go. Isn’t that how the saying goes?”
“It is because I love her that I let her go in the past. But now I know that with the risk of losing her forever, I can’t let her go.”
The man considered his words. “There’s only one thing I can do for you. Tomorrow we will be leaving for the countryside so we can show our estate to Lord Graysen before the wedding. We’ll stay there for five days. You are free to come and stay with us, even though your family lives next door. If you succeed in making her change her mind about marrying him, you’ll have my support no matter what.”
“Thank you. I’ll be there for dinner.”
———
Seven days until the wedding
When he arrived at the Archeron’s Estate was just in time for dinner, and he was already dressed for the occasion. He was led to the dining room where everyone was already sitting.
“I apologize for being late,” Azriel announced, making everyone turn to look at him. It was a small party, only the three sisters, the viscount, and a man he assumed must be Lord Graysen, he already disliked his face. Everyone, except the viscount, stared at him with surprise.
“Why are you here?” Nesta asked.
“I invited him,” Viscount Archeron replied. “Azriel, take a seat.”
Fortunately for him, there was a vacant seat next to Elain, who looked at him with her brows furrowed. He sat. “Elain,” he addressed her.
“Azriel! It’s good to see you.” The youngest Archeron said.
He turned to look at her, “Feyre, it’s good to see you too.” At least one sister wasn’t out for his blood.
“I’m sorry, I don’t believe we have been introduced.” That man said to him.
“Lord Graysen,” the viscount said. “This is Azriel Davenport.”
“A Davenport? Then you must be a long family friend.” Graysen said.
“He is Elain’s closest friend,” Feyre added. “They were attached ever since they were babies. We expected them to be married by now.”
“Feyre!” Nesta chided, to which Feyre shrugged.
Elain’s face turned red with embarrassment.
“I see,” Graysen said, raising an eyebrow, “Lucky for me, I’m the one marrying her.”
Azriel didn’t deign to reply.
As they continued to dine, Azriel said to Elain in a lower voice, “When you asked for time, you didn’t tell me you were going to be away. How was I supposed to talk to you before the wedding?” When she didn’t reply, he continued, “Or were you not going to give me another chance?”
“A chance?” she whispered to him, “I never said I was going to give you a chance.”
He considered, “But will you take a walk with me tomorrow? Like we used to.”
She hesitated but nodded.
———
Six days until the wedding
It was a sunny day, and she met him outside. They didn’t greet each other, he just offered her his arm, and she took it, walking for paths that were well-known to them.
He broke the silence, “I’ve missed you. Every single day.” He told her honestly.
Her breath halted, “Your actions don’t match your words. Actually, they match your lack of words. You could not even bother to say you didn’t wish to speak with me anymore.”
“Because if I’ve written saying that, it would be a lie,” He told her. “I still have all of your letters, and I’ve read them a thousand times. Sometimes they were the only things that kept me from crumbling.”
“Then, why?” Elain asked him. “You’ve written to your brothers, so you were not incommunicable.”
“You didn’t belong to where I was or what I was doing. You are too pure and bright for that darkness,” He admitted. “I didn’t want to taint you.”
“What happened to you?” she breathed.
And he told her how he got his scars and how they were the reason he stopped writing her in the first place because he couldn’t hold a pen and he didn’t want to worry her about his injuries, and he didn’t want someone else to write to her in his place. He told her about his recovery and the position he was designed to occupy. The things he had to do to his enemies. Things he did that sullied his hands far beyond their scars. And how he was good at it. The battles he faced. And how he thought he could never be free.
Tears streamed down her face, she listened to him in silence and stayed in silence even after he finished telling her his story. His hands itched to dry her tears, but he was afraid of doing any movement that could scare her away, so he let her process what he had told her a little more. But as he couldn’t handle any more of her silence, he asked, “You said that when you looked at me, you felt too many feelings. What are you feeling now?”
She took a deep breath and stared straight into his eyes, “Anger. I’m angry at you. I’m sorry for all you have been through, I really am. I wish I could have been there for you. And now I’m resenting the fact that you didn’t let me, that you treated me as a fragile thing. I’m not weak. I don’t know if you believed that I wasn’t going to accept you, but you didn’t even leave me a choice. Haven’t I been there for you your whole life? But you chose to break my heart as a repayment.”
“Elain…” he started.
She raised her hand to stop him, “To be honest, I understand your motives, although I don’t agree with them. Thank you for finally telling me all of this, I deserved to hear it. But this doesn’t change a thing.” She turned around and left him behind.
———
Five days until the wedding
Did he think that when he told her about his sad story, she would run into his arms and shower him with her love? Yes, he kind of did. But it was not the end. He wasn’t going to give up now, he was going to think of something else, he only had a few days to get her back.
He tried to look for her inside the house but couldn’t, and he didn’t want to risk meeting with her fiancé, it was enough to have to face him during the meals. So right now he was at one of his favorite places, the lake. He had so many good memories around here, most of them with her. He thought a swim might clear his head and help him plan his next step. He removed his coat and started to unbutton his shirt. Thankfully he didn’t come all dressed up. He sat on a rock to remove his boots when he heard a soft sound.
And there she was, his fawn caught. He stalked toward his prey.
“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” she told him, preparing to leave.
“Don’t go,” he said close to her.
She tried to keep her eyes on his face, but they couldn’t resist ogling his naked chest. The prettiest shade of pink set on her cheeks and bust, and he couldn’t help but wonder which other parts of her colored too. He smirked at her, a plan already forming in his head.
“I was thinking about taking a swim,” he said. “Maybe you could join me.”
She scoffed, “Don’t be ridiculous.”
They stand so close to one another, his boots brushing the hem of her dress. “Did you come here to clear your mind?” he asked, and she nodded. He knew her too well. “What clouds this pretty head of yours?”
“You,” she whispered.
“Why?” he asked.
“Why are you here?”
“For you,” he whispered back. When she didn’t reply, he took her hand and swept his thumb over her knuckles. “You wonder why I came back after all this time? Why didn’t I tell you sooner about what was going on with me when we had years? And now it’s such an inconvenient moment for you. Your wedding set me off. But I did not just realize that I wanted you back, I’ve always wanted you. Living without you was agonizing, and I don’t want to be in pain anymore.”
“You sound like you wanted me to wait for you forever.”
“Maybe I did.”
“Why?”
“True love waits.”
Her eyes flared with indignation, “You think I don’t love you?” She corrected herself quickly, “Didn’t love you?”
He fought against a smug expression, so she still loved him. His sweet girl has such a tenacious heart. Now he needed to show her the other side of love, desire. If he needed to seduce her away from her fiancee, then he was going to, and he would not feel guilty about it.
While his thumb kept brushing her fingers, he moved his other hand to trace her arm. She shivered under his touch. “Tell me, Elain. How many of the kisses that belonged to me did you deliver to others?”
She was taken aback by the sudden change of subject, and with his disconcerting touch and proximity, she answered honestly, “There were no others.”
He raised his eyebrows, “Really? No one of your suitors tried to steal one?”
“No, I didn’t let them.”
“Why?”
“They were not you,” she murmured. He was so pleased by her answer.
“Not even your pretty fiancé?”
She shook her head, “He’s not you.”
He couldn’t hold back a grin. Today was the day he was getting her back. They had exchanged a couple of kisses back then, but they were chaste and brief. He would not go for chaste and brief now. With his finger, he traced her lips, and she kept gazing at him, waiting for his next move. He framed her face with his hands, he expected her to take a step back and leave him, but she didn’t. She placed a hand on his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin. She closed her eyes, and he brought his lips to hers. Small touches just to reacquaint them with the feeling, soft kisses pressed all over her mouth, and then he bit her lip so gently, but when she gasped, he took advantage of it and slid his tongue inside. She moved her other hand to grip his hair, pressing herself more against him. Their tongues tangled, and he kissed her with all his hunger, for all those years they’d lost because of him, his kiss contained his apology and a promise for more. One of his hands left her face to grasp her waist, trying to bring her closer, as if he could melt with her. She tasted so good, and he was desperate to taste other parts of her, even if he had to beg. They parted to catch a breath, and he went straight to put his mouth on her jaw, to pepper her face with his kisses, he moved onto her neck, using his tongue and teeth to feel her skin better. His nose was also catching a whiff of her delicious scent, jasmine and honey, she was his favorite fragrance. One of his hands went to the small of her back, and the other started roaming wherever he could reach.
“Azriel,” she moaned, her nails biting his skin.
He groaned against her skin, “You don’t know much I was waiting to hear my name out of your lips again.”
“Azriel,” she moaned again.
“Fuck,” he swore. “You’re going to kill me. When we get married, I’m going to make you moan my name every day.”
That shook her out of her lust. She pushed him and took a step back. Her hands started moving over her clothes and hair, to try to fix her disheveled state.
He looked at her confused, “What happened? Did I hurt you?”
She shook her head, “This doesn’t change a thing.”
“Excuse me?”
She sounded determined when she said, “I’m still going to marry Graysen.” And she turned and left before he could try to convince her with a few more kisses.
“Damn it,” Azriel cursed. Today was not the day he was getting her back.
———
Four days until the wedding
Elain could barely sleep last night. She closed her eyes, and her mind was filled with the memory of his lips and his hands, which made her body warm with wants and needs. She might be a maiden, but she wasn’t clueless about what happened between a man and a woman. When she was pressed against him, she could feel his desire, she could feel how much he wanted her, and she was so close to letting him have her. But besides the feeling that burned her, she felt guilt. She was going to marry Graysen, she should not easily fall in the arms of another man. And it was easy, she had a pull towards Azriel that would never cease to exist. But she would not be weak of mind. Five minutes did not fix five years. He could not just barge into her life and demand that things go back to how they were. She still had her pride left. He had pushed her out of his life, it was only her right to push him away too.
The guilty feeling is what left her to give her undivided attention to her betrothed. She has been neglecting him these past few days, too unsettled with Azriel’s presence in her life again. So now she was in Graysen’s arms taking a walk around the property. But it was not easy to show him her favorite spots because they were all marked by her and Azriel’s history, which made her think about him and what happened yesterday all over again. He had such tasteful lips and that shoulders…
“Are you alright?” Graysen asked, pulling her away from her sinful thoughts. “You look a little flustered.”
“Oh, yes. I’m well. It's just a bit hot in here, isn’t it?”
“Do you want to go back to the house?”
“No!” She replied. She did not want to risk bumping into Azriel there. He was probably waiting to pull her into a dark corner, and the worst thing is that she didn’t know if she would stop him.
She turned to Graysen. Her eyes ran through his face. Why didn’t she let him kiss her before? He’s not Azriel. She scoffed internally, it should not matter, Graysen was the one she was going to marry. Maybe if she kissed him now, all thoughts of Azriel would vanish.
“I was thinking,” she started and trailed off. She took a deep breath and said, “Can you kiss me?”
Graysen raised his eyebrows in surprise, “Really?” And she nodded. He opened a smile, “I’ve been waiting for ages.” He used a hand to cup her face, “You don’t know how impatient I am for our wedding night.”
And then he kissed her, and it felt all wrong, but she wasn’t going to give up now. She deepened the kiss, trying to feel more from him. She placed his hands on her body, allowing him to touch her everywhere. One of his hands squeezed her breast, the other started trailing down and pulling her dress up. It was all wrong, his lips were wrong, his hands were wrong, his taste was wrong, and she didn’t feel a spark of desire in her veins.
Suddenly it all stopped, and she opened her eyes to see that Azriel had pulled Graysen from her and threw a punch in his face.
Graysen cleaned the blood that was coming out of his nose and looked at Azriel with anger and indignation, “What are you doing?”
“I should be the one asking you that,” Azriel replied. “Were you planning to ruin her in the middle of the garden?” His voice was cold, masking his feelings about what he saw.
“She is my bride,” Graysen cried.
“She’s not yours to do as you please. She’s not your wife. Have more respect. And leave before I tell her father.”
Annoyance flared in Graysen’s eyes, he took a look at Elain and left for the house.
Elain faced Azriel. “What is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Azriel answered innocently.
“You are a hypocrite.”
Azriel crossed his arms. “He was almost sticking his hand under your skirt.”
“As if you didn’t want to do the same yesterday,” she shot back.
“I don’t like him.”
“He’s a good man, and that’s all that matters.”
“Good men don’t do what he was doing.”
“Again, you were doing the same yesterday.”
“That just proves my point.”
She groaned with frustration, “You’re insufferable. I can’t deal with you right now.”
“Elain,” he said softly.
“No,” she stopped him. “I’m going home now. Don’t follow me.”
———
Three days until the wedding
They would be leaving tomorrow, and Elain spent the whole day in her bedroom claiming to be unwell. Her sisters worried, but she told them she just needed to rest. But the truth was that she didn’t want to face Graysen. She didn’t want to face Azriel. She lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to sort her thoughts. She liked Graysen, he was uncomplicated, but whatever feeling she nurtured for him could never compare to what she felt for Azriel. Even after all those years, she still loved him, he took her heart with him, and she never got it back. But love was not enough.
“A penny for your thought?” A voice said.
“Ah!” she gasped, seating on her bed and staring at him. “What…How…Why? I didn’t even…” she mumbled, caught off guard.
“They almost gave me a medal for my stealth. I’m serious,” he told her with a grin.
“You need to stop showing up in my room unannounced,” she scolded him.
“I was worried about you,” he said, approaching her bed and placing a hand on her forehead.
“I’m not ill.”
He nodded, “I needed to be sure. Do you want me to leave?”
She took a long look at him and shook her head. She got off her bed and faced him, “Since you’re already here, we should talk.”
“Yes,” he simply said.
She crossed her arms, “What was up with you yesterday?”
“I thought it was obvious, I was jealous. I hated seeing him all over you.”
“You don’t have the right.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t tell me what I shouldn’t feel,” he told her. “But do you know what? At that moment I wasn’t thinking clearly, but now I wonder, why were you kissing him?”
“Because I am going to marry him.”
He clicked his tongue, “No, that’s not it. Why did you kiss him only after our kiss? Were you thinking you could erase my lips with his?”
“No.”
“No?”
“Yes.”
“Hmmm,” he mused. “And did it work? Did he kiss you better than I did? Did he touch you better than I did?”
“No,” she whispered. She was always honest with him.
“It will never be good with him as it is with me because you were made for me and not for him. And I was made for you,” he came to whisper in her ear. He breathed her scent, so good. He swept her hair back so he could place a kiss on her neck.
“I should leave,” she said, her voice shaking slightly.
He chuckled, “It is your room.”
“Oh, right. Then you should leave.”
“Should I?” He placed a kiss on the other side.
“No.” her hands went to his chest, and she grasped his shirt.
He kissed her jaw, her cheeks, her nose, her eyelids, and her chin. “Are you going to keep toying with me, or are you going to properly kiss me?” she asked.
“As you wish,” he replied before crushing her mouth with his.
This kiss didn’t start slow like the other one, it was filled with a burning desire and violent yearning. Lips, teeth, tongue, it all came together to leave them breathless but unable to stop. One of his hands was buried in her thick hair, and the other gripped her waist. She was only wearing a thin slip, already prepared for bed, making it easier for him to feel her. They parted, and she started to pull his shirt off, she wanted to feel his skin again like the last time. Her hands explored his chest, his abdomen. She felt his toned muscles, and he just let her, loving seeing how her face shined with lust. Her hands slid down his arms until she reached his hands, and she brought them against her mouth to press a kiss, “You are so beautiful,” she said against knuckles, and he couldn’t take anymore.
He pulled her against him and started kissing her mouth again, he wanted to devour her, “You don’t know how much I want you.” He told her in between kisses.
“I can feel it,” she replied, pressing herself more against him.
“Funny girl,” he started to kiss her collarbone. “Would you like to see it?”
She giggled, “I can’t believe you said that.”
“Your answer?”
“Yes.”
Azriel nearly groaned with relief and kissed her again while leading them to the bed. He placed her in the middle and sat back to make quick work removing his boots. And then he was on her, kissing her swollen lips again. His hands traced her curves until he reached the hem of her slip, “Can I remove this?”
She nodded but also eyed his trousers. Understanding what she meant, he sat back to remove the last piece of his clothing. He would be vulnerable first. She gasped at the sight of him, her body tingled with want. He placed his hands on her shins and started sliding the fabric off of her, and he didn’t even care where he had thrown it. She was naked before him, and his eyes couldn’t decide what they wanted to worship first. Everything about her was perfect, her breasts, her thighs, her belly, her sex. He went to stay on top of her and started kissing her neck, her collarbone, he swirled his tongue on her left breast, making her moan. She snaked a hand on his hair as if to hold him there.
“I don’t know what I should be doing,” she muttered.
He laughed against her softness, “Neither do I.” He revealed. She tensed under him, and he pulled back to look into her eyes, “Don’t be so surprised. You’re the only one I’ve wanted, I only ache for you, ever you. This was always meant for us to figure out together, don’t you agree?” She nodded, smiling at him, and using her fingertip to trace his nose and lips, he nibbed her gently, “Now, let me go back to kissing every inch of your body because it feels right.”
And he proceeded to do that, he kissed, he licked, and he sucked until she was panting for more. He was addicted to her taste, to the sounds she made while his tongue swirled the part of her that was begging to be filled by him. Azriel pressed her against the mattress, coming to stay between her legs, where he belonged to. He intertwined one of his hands with hers and kissed her mouth once more while pushing himself inside her until he settled. “Are you alright?” he asked her.
She nodded. “Azriel,” she breathed, “I need more.”
His hips ground into hers, thrusting and giving her more, they both groaned with the intensity, it felt so good, so right. They moved against each other, and they shattered together, their names spilling from each other’s lips.
Azriel collapsed on top of Elain and started to pepper her face with kisses. “I love you.” He moved to grip her thighs to remove himself from her, which made her wince, “I’m sorry.” He laid down next to her pulling her body into his arms. He exhaled, it was better than the fantasies he pleasured himself to. He felt Elain’s finger moving against his chest. He wanted to know what she was thinking. Had that changed everything for her?
As if hearing his thoughts, she said, “This doesn’t change a thing.”
He groaned with frustration, “I never thought I would hate anything that came out of your pretty mouth, but those five words test my patience.” He moved away from her and rose from the bed.
“Don’t leave me,” she whispered.
He turned to look at her, “I wasn’t going to. I’m getting something to clean you up.”
He found a clean cloth and went back to take care of her. He laid again on the bed and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her forehead, “Are you well?”
She nodded, blushing to his delight, “It was wonderful.”
He smiled, “I’m glad. But you should just consider that we could have this for the rest of our lives.”
She placed her hand on his mouth, preventing him from saying more, “Don’t ruin this. Just hold me for now.”
“Fine,” he said. “You should rest. I will stay right here.”
“Won’t we get caught?”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll go back to my room before anyone wakes up.”
“Alright,” she mumbled, already letting sleep take over her.
He stayed awake the whole time, counting her soft breaths, and committing every detail to his memory.
———
Two days until the wedding
Everyone was getting ready to leave, the carriages already loaded with their baggage.
Azriel said, “I was thinking that as now as we have three carriages, and there are 6 of us. Maybe we should travel in pairs so it would be more comfortable for everyone. Her Grace and Feyre can go in one. Lord Graysen and Lord Archeron. And I will ride with Elain.”
Graysen crossed his arms, “I think this is highly inappropriate.”
“Not really. I’m practically family.”
Feyre addressed Graysen, “Don’t worry about it. He’s not going to ravish her.”
Elain’s face tinted because well, she was already ravished.
The viscount said, “I don’t see a problem.” He turned to Graysen, “And it gives us time to discuss some final matters.”
Nesta just narrowed her eyes but didn’t comment.
Azriel offered his hand so Elain could enter the carriage, and he got himself in behind her. He sat in front of her. And so the journey began.
“I don’t know what you’re planning, but it’s not going to work.” She told him.
“Well, we’ll have all this time stuck together, at least you’re going to hear me out.”
He lowered his hands and reached to pull her feet onto his lap.
“What are you doing?” She questioned.
“I know how cold your feet can get while traveling. Let me warm them up for you.” He removed her slippers and started rubbing her feet.
“Funny, I thought you wanted me to get cold feet.”
He chuckled, “Only figuratively, not literally.”
They stared at each other, “So?” She asked, “What do you wish to say more?”
He sighed, “I know I messed up things before, but why after all we experienced this week are you still so against giving me another chance when we both know our true feelings?”
“Because I have a fiancé. Because I promised I would marry him. I want to be a person that can fulfill her promises unlike you. Because I am afraid of suffering again. Because I don’t see a reason, and I…”
“Do you need reasons?” He interrupted her, “Because I can give you tons of them, good thing it’s a long trip. Reason number 1 is love, you said yourself once that love was the best reason to marry someone. I love you, and you love me. You don’t love him. Reason number 2 is friendship, you also said it was a good reason, and we have been friends for our whole lives. He’s not your friend. Reason number 3, there’s a fire between us that will burn forever…”
[…]
“Reason number 11, you don’t even like pearls, if he can’t even get an engagement ring right, how is he going to get a marriage right?”
[…]
“Reason number 23, I purchased an estate that has a large garden that you can do as you please. It’s near enough to your family because family is important to you, but it’s also far enough so we can have peace and quiet.”
[…]
“Reason number 37, I’m begging you, and I’m not the begging type, except when it comes to you. I’m ready to grovel.”
[…]
“Reason number 51, Rhys is going to propose to Feyre, and Cassian is having an affair with Nesta. Three brothers to three sisters. Not two sisters to two brothers and one to a random man.”
[…]
“Reason number 63, no one can dry your tears better than I can,” he swept his thumb on her cheeks, doing as he said.
“Who knew you had so many reasons,” she said, her voice shaking.
“I’ve been collecting many of them my whole life. And I still have more. Do you want to keep hearing them?”
“No, I’ve heard enough,” Elain grabbed his hand, “You win. I’ll go talk to Graysen.”
His heart started beating fast, hope flooding his being, “Really?”
“Yes, I’ll cancel the wedding. It’s not fair to him to marry when my heart belongs to another.”
Azriel kissed her hands multiple times, “Thank you. You make me so happy. Cauldron knows I don’t deserve you, but I found out that I am too selfish to let you go.”
“I love you,” she told him, her love pouring from her eyes.
“I love you, too, my sweet girl.”
———
One day until the wedding
*silence*
———
On the day of the wedding
Azriel was done waiting. Yesterday she had told him that she would resolve things with Graysen, and she asked him to be patient, but so far she hasn’t sent a word to him about what transpired. And he was itching to have her in his arms and wearing his ring. So he grabbed his horse and went straight to her house in the early morning.
He knocked on the door, and the butler opened, “May I help you, sir?” he said.
“I wish to speak with Elain.”
“Miss Archeron is occupied at this moment.”
Azriel rolled his eyes, “I know you’re displeased with me, but I promise you I already settled things with Elain. You don’t have to come up with an excuse to send me away.”
“I am not misleading you. She left a few minutes ago. She is getting married,” he informed Azriel.
“I beg your pardon,” Azriel said. He must have misheard him. It was not possible.
“She is marrying Lord Graysen in St. Cauldron’s Cathedral. If you leave now you still can catch her before the ceremony begins.”
Azriel just turned around and ran to fetch his horse. This could not be happening. She had told him that she was putting off the wedding, didn’t she?
He rode so fast, the fear of losing her gripping him. What could have possibly gone wrong?
He could only pray that they were stuck in traffic, too many carriages on the street.
He reached the Cathedral just in time to see her leaving the carriage. She looked beautiful as a bride, but it was for the wrong wedding. “Elain,” he shouted, and she turned towards the sound of his voice.
“Az,” she gasped, surprised.
He jumped off his horse, and went straight to her, “What happened? Why are you here?” He grabbed her hands, his eyes pleading to understand.
“I have to marry him,” she said, her eyes lined with tears.
“Why? I thought you had decided not to. I thought you chose me,” his voice broke in the last sentence.
“I did,” she assured him. “I went to talk with him yesterday, and he refused to break off our engagement. He said if I didn’t show up today, he would ruin my family. Not only financially, but also morally. No one would ever want to associate with us. I’m sorry, I can’t do this to them.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was afraid. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“You don’t have to marry him. Your family wants you to be happy. Money is not an issue, I have tons of it, my family too, and your sister is a duchess. And do you really care about what others think? Your family won’t be bothered by it, and we will live our life like we once planned, in tranquility, away from all this.”
“Are you sure?”
He nodded, “Yes, I am. Your father said he would support us no matter what. And your sisters love you deeply. I love you deeply. We’ll face this together.”
“Alright.”
“Really?”
She nodded, and he hugged her, breathing her in.
“Come with me,” he asked her, taking her by the hand, away from the Cathedral. They would solve the problems that would arise one step at a time. For now, he was going to enjoy the feeling of her hand in his.