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There’s not much that keeps you awake at night. Usually, it only takes minutes once your head hits the pillow for you to fall into a relatively deep sleep. Normally, usually , that’s because the man you’ve been seeing, your lover dare you say, has a schedule he sticks too. Even on those nights where he’s stuck in his office with overtime, you know you’ll wake up with him laying next to you. That schedule’s been disrupted as of late.
You lay awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling with the sound of your own breathing and the pattering of rain against the window, breaking the silence of the dark bedroom. For the past while, you’ve gone to bed alone and woken up alone, knowing your lover’s been assigned an undercover mission, a mission that would have gone to Grell if she weren’t stuck on probation because of her part in the Jack the Ripper case. You know nothing of the case he’s been assigned, only being told that he wouldn’t be home for a while and a chase kiss to your cheek and that was it. Ever the romantic, but it was to be expected. You knew the walls you’d need to break down when you asked him on a coffee date.
You nearly mistake the front door closing for thunder, hardly believing that he’d be home as soon as this. You lay there, waiting, listening. You can hear and picture those poslied dress shoes clack against the hardwood floor, wandering around the sitting room before it goes silent again.
You sit up, watching the bedroom door as if he’s going to open it and take you into his arms, greet you with a grand kiss and embrace, expressing how much he misses you, but you know he won’t. That’s not who William is. He’s a quiet man who shows he cares for you through the small things he does rather than grandiose gestures. It’s one of the reasons why you’ve come to love him.
Deciding that waiting for William to come to you is a waste of time, you throw off the blankets, grab your robe from the bedpost and slip your feet into your warm, soft slippers before exiting the bedroom. The house itself is dark with the only source of light coming from the hearth that William’s sat in front of. He’s damp, his hair soaked and water droplets still beading down his black suit jacket. He holds his head in his hands, face buried in his palms as his breaths come out uneven, shaky. You know that’s not at all like him. “William?” you ask quietly, as to not startle him.
Whatever stature he took when he believed he was alone, changes back to the William you know in an instant. His shoulders tense, his back straightens and takes a second to calm himself before looking over his shoulder at you. His eyes, normally so cold and aloof, have another emotion hidden within them. “I wasn’t aware you were awake.”
“You know I wouldn’t be normally, but with you away on your mission, it was hard to sleep.” you answer truthfully, rounding the side of the couch to sit next to him.
William looks you up and down, shifting almost uncomfortably as his hands fold tightly on his lap. “I see.”
An awkward silence drifts between the two of you. Part of you wants to reach over and take his hands but you know that would only make him pull away even more. This is new, probably for the both of you, and you’re unsure how best to approach the subject of whatever’s bothering him. “How was your mission?”
“Well enough.” he pushes up his glasses, his index finger lingering on the bridge of his nose. “It’s far too late for you to still be up. If you are to get up and function well at work tomorrow, I suggest you return to bed.”
Normally, you’d take his suggestion and return to your nice warm bed but you can’t tonight. Not when something has so obviously gotten underneath William’s skin. If you’ve gotten to the point of sharing a bed, there should be no reason he needs to feel he has to keep his emotions hidden from you.
You scoot just that little bit closer to him, noting the way he stiffens up and those icy eyes are trained on you, watching your every minute movement but you don’t let that deter you. Instead, you carefully reach up, brushing away the strands of black hair from his forehead that the rain had pushed out of place. “William, what happened?” You freeze when his hand automatically snaps up to grab your wrist. He looks like he’s about to scold you for touching him but the longer his eyes remain locked with yours, you can see those walls begin to crumble. He tries to turn away from you but your other hand reaches up to coerce him to continue keeping that eye contact. “You can tell me. I’m here for you , William. Whatever’s on your mind, whatever’s bothering you, you can tell me. You won’t become weaker by doing so, you won’t become less Mr. Spears by relying on me. I promise.”
His eyes close and maybe it’s subconscious, but he presses into the touch on his cheek, his own hand that’s still around your wrist finally loosens its grip. Whatever steady breathing he’d managed to get under control becomes shaky once again. He reaches up, removing his glasses from his face and rubbing each eye with the back of the same hand. He opens his mouth to tell you but he can’t find the words. “It…it was fine until…until I saw their Cinematic Records.”
“Who are ‘they’?”
That is something he cannot answer. The question itself seems to bring him even greater distress and you frown, gently dragging your thumb over his cheekbone. When you find the right time and the courage, you hug him. His body tenses but slowly, he relaxes in your hold, his own arms hesitantly wrapping around you. You turn your head to kiss his cheek, whispering soothing words into his ear and he buries his face into your shoulder. Your hand runs gentle circles over his back and faintly, you feel a wetness against the skin of your neck. Tears. There is no sobs or crying, just the tears. His arms tighten around you, like you’re the last thing holding him together. You let him remain in your arms for as long as he needs, allowing him to finally let go of all the pent up emotions he bottles up because he tries so hard to be the ideal reaper, to follow the rules to the absolute best he can. Here, with you, he can finally feel human again. You do not judge him, you do not tease him, you simply let him be what he cannot outside your home. You love him and in this moment of true vulnerability, you know he loves you as well.