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"What about me? If I can't chase my dream together with you, then I…I don't have any reason to play football at all."
"Then fucking quit."
It feels like cold water has been poured- no…no no no, it's the feeling of jagged ice scraping past his skin, to the point of scorching pain. His hairs stand on end, and his senses are overwhelmed.
"Get lost Rin. You're not necessary in my life anymore."
He can only hear a ringing in his ears as Sae walks away tugging that stupid luggage.
No. No. You can't do that. Don't leave.
DON'T LEAVE-
Rin wakes up in a cold sweat, sitting up abruptly on his bed.
He steadies his breath. His heart races and he can still feel the dampness of snow melting on his face.
Or is it just his fear?
"Rin."
There's a pressing warmth against his hand.
He turns to the person by his bedside, sitting on the edge of their own bed. "Isagi."
And holding his hand.
Even though it's dark, Rin can barely make out Isagi's smile when they're this close. Isagi whispers, like he's coaxing a child, "Were you having a nightmare?"
"Let go of my hand." Rin pushes his hand away and ignores the lingering heat.
Isagi stays there, unfazed. "Are you alright? You were like…jolting and trembling in bed."
Rin touches his forehead and throws the blanket back over himself. There's a throbbing pain in his head. "It's none of your business," he mutters as he lies back down.
Isagi leans in, half-crouching and half-standing over the bed- too close for Rin's comfort. "Come on. I'm not asking you to tell me everything. Just give me your hand again."
Isagi reaches his hand out to Rin.
"No." Rin pulls his blanket up further and turns away from Isagi. "Go back to sleep."
"I can't sleep with you rolling around constantly every night, idiot," Isagi hisses. "Of course I'm concerned about you- as your teammate."
"You're lukewarm," Rin responds, probably a little too loudly.
When Isagi doesn't move, Rin rolls over to face him again. He jabs his arm out, grumbling, "Holding my hand isn't going to help."
Isagi hums and slides one hand underneath Rin's, carrying it, and presses his index finger into the center of his palm.
And he begins swirling his finger around in a circle, tracing the edges of Rin's palm. It's slightly ticklish and so dumb. Yet it sends electricity through his veins, an odd, prickling warmth pulsing through his entire body.
"My mum used to do this to comfort me when I cried as a child," Isagi says in a soft voice. Rin watches Isagi's face, grainy in the dark. How is he this different off the field?
Brighter, friendlier, and more compassionate. Rin thinks it's the exact opposite of himself.
"I was a huge crybaby when I was young and I used to have nightmares all the time."
This would be the space where Rin interrupts with something sardonic.
Rin doesn't reply.
He won't admit it, but the slow, constant motion is soothing, somehow. Isagi clutches his hand gently, like it's something precious and easily broken. His touch is feather-light.
Isagi's finger pauses, and his cerulean eyes blink vacantly, like he's lost in thought.
His eyes really are an avid blue, even under the dusk.
Isagi's index leaves his palm, and a second later, he presses his full hand against Rin's. Rin lets him.
His hand is smaller, Rin realises pointlessly, eyes heavy with exhaustion.
In the background, soft snores fill the air.
Unreasonably, Rin curls his fingers between Isagi's. Isagi freezes, and then mirrors the gesture, until their hands are intertwined. Rin doesn't know for how long they hold their hands together like this, wordlessly.
"Rin…"
"Go to sleep," Rin whispers, and his eyes flutter shut. "How are you going to play tomorrow?"
"Look who's talking," Isagi snorts quietly and shifts a little back. "Fine. I'm going back to bed now."
Rin doesn't loosen his grip. "Don't let go."
The room falls back into silence, and Rin focuses on Isagi's shallow breathing. His arm feels stiff and cold, and it aches from holding it up for too long, but he doesn't care- not when his hand is this warm.
I like this.
"…Rin, say that again."
Rin adjusts his fingers. "Our beds are close enough together. You don't have to let go."
Isagi chuckles.
"I forget sometimes that you're younger than me. You're cute when you're immature, Rin."
Rin hums and moves his arm around. "We don't talk about this ever again."
"Alright." Rin feels Isagi tug his hand as he slips back into bed. He yawns. "You're telling me to act like this never happened for your damn pride, aren't you?"
"…No."
"Be honest with yourself," Isagi sighs. "It makes me a little sad."
"…what?"
"Nothing."
After that, the air seems to buzz as they're taken over by the stillness of the night.
They fall asleep with their hands linked together, in the space between their beds.
-- right here and now --
-- … --
-- can't you appreciate what you have --
He's here- in this very moment once more. He dreads it every time, and yet his mind forces him to relive it again and again.
A thousand things left unsaid. Would anything Rin said have changed the outcome of that evening under the snow?
"How can you say that to me?" Rin grabs Sae by the collar. "I just want you to acknowledge me like when we were little."
One moment, Sae stares back at him, face blank. Then his face contorts.
"Stop reminiscing in the past. Did you really think I ever cared about you at all?"
"…Nii-chan."
His brother was so far away from him before, but holding him this close, why does it feel like he's gone now?
"I never cared for you." A leer crosses Sae's face.
"You're useless to me now."
……
His eyes snap open and he hears his heart pounding loudly in his ears. Adrenaline, he thinks.
Still drowsy, it takes a second for him to notice the shuffling beside his bed.
Everything I have right here and now…
He turns to his bedside and murmurs, "Isagi?"
"…Sorry…Rin-san?"
Rin's body stiffens as his eyes meet Nanase's. He quickly turns away.
"Leave me alone."
"Did you have a bad dream?" Nanase asks tentatively.
Rin groans. "Just fucking leave me alone."
"Um-" Nanase cuts off himself, like he wants to say something more. "…ok."
Rin hears Nanase moving back to his bed. He exhales and pushes back his bangs. He needs to get his shit together.
"The one who's able to change this country's football is Isagi Yoichi."
Those were Sae's only words to him after the Blue Lock match against the Japan U-20.
How can you say that?
He clenches his fists. That's right. Isagi is his rival now. He promises, he'll definitely defeat him when he meets him again.
Soon.
Rin had watched every match- the Neo Egoist League broadcasted for all to see.
Isagi was ranked fourth place now.
He remembers the uncomfortable twisting of his guts when Isagi passed, and the final goals were scored in those previous matches. He anticipated it, and it was the best choice at the time, where Isagi Yoichi outsmarted everyone else on the field.
But it angered him.
Subconsciously, his finger begins drawing circles against his palm.
Isagi Yoichi absolutely cannot become a midfielder.
Prove you're an egoist, Isagi. Live and die as a striker. Defeat them all…and then I'll defeat you, ruthlessly.
He loathes Isagi with a burning passion.
He'll crush him and prove his brother wrong.
……
Rin wraps his hands together under the covers.
He pretends it's Isagi holding his hand.