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The water was a dark, swirling mass of black and green that stunk of decay. Beneath the surface, a hundred unseen things slithered, swam and hunted. It terrified Will, to his core, just sitting so close to it, peering into its depth, but at the same time it made him resolute. There would be no recovery from this. Once he was in, he’d be dragged down, lost forever.
He’d been to this lake once before, with Halt.
“If you’re ever looking to die, go for a swim in there.” Halt had been joking, but Will remembered those words like they were written on his skin.
He dipped his feet in the ice-cold water and instantly his body convulsed. Nausea burned his throat. But he couldn’t back down. He hovered at the precipice, rethinking every moment that lead to this. Skandia, his warm weed addiction. The war. His relapse. Alyss leaving him for a better, unbroken man. Halt’s disappointment. That one hurt the most. His fingers slipped and he dropped an inch closer to the water. It swirled around his legs, greedy, pulling at him. Why couldn’t he just let go? Let the dark take him? Be dragged under and torn apart? In this final moment, his cowardice tormented him again. It had taken all his strength to keep on living, but now he didn’t have the strength left to die.
Will took a deep breath of the damp, tangy air and let it out through his teeth. One by one he loosened his fingers grip on the bank of the lake and let himself fall into the water with a splash. It shocked him with its cold, and he was instantly gasping and shivering. Something slithered past his ankle and immediately his fear made prey of him. He scrabbled for the lake bank, but the wet grasses now provided no grip.
“This is what you wanted!” Roared the voice in his mind. “You coward, just let go!”
And truthfully he knew he had chosen this spot for fear he might back out. Like he had every other time before. The dark water began to close around him, swallowing him. It burned his lungs.
“I’ve changed my mind.” He yelped to no one, “Please help!”
His only response was the whistle of the wind and the sound of water splashing with his distress.
The dark dragged him down and down, beneath the surface until at last, he felt he must be at the bottom of the lake. It was black here. And all around were monsters.
Something sinister curled its way toward him, filling him with a violent terror. He clawed at the water, but it was as though he was chained to the lake bed, unable to rise. The thing looked like a giant white snake, but it had a hundred legs and no eyes, just a pale featureless face with a red jaw lined with teeth.
“Have you come here to die?” It hissed, spiralling around him. Will was terrified, unable to open his mouth and answer. The thing came closer and closer, jaw widening, teeth black and dripping, tongue curling around Will’s throat.
“No!” Will screamed, and the lake water filled his mouth and rushed into his lungs and stomach. “I’m not ready. Don’t let me go!”
Will!
He sat up, coughing and vomiting. Someone patted him on the back. Had he drowned? No. The night air was cool on his wet skin. You aren’t supposed to feel in death. But how had he escaped the lake? He was too far down and had no strength to swim. He should be dead.
“Can you open your eyes?”
He did and was shocked to find he was in his room at Halt’s cottage. Had it all been a dream? That felt impossible. It was all too real.
There was a movement to his side, and suddenly Halt came into view, placing both hands on Will’s shoulders. “You’re okay,” He said firmly, “It’s just a nightmare.”
But it was more than that. It had to be. He could still feel the water rushing into his lungs. His chest felt heavy with it. He felt sick all over again.
“Come on,” Halt said gently, and he took him by the arm, leading him out through the living room. Then out the front door where he was lowered into a chair. Everything was spinning and he felt hot and cold all at once.
It had to be real. It had to be real!
Nausea overtook him and he threw up again.
“Easy,” Said Halt, rubbing his shoulders, “Just breathe.”
How was he supposed to breathe with his lungs full of water? He was drowning! Maybe he had already drowned. People say your life flashes before your eyes as you’re dying. Maybe this was his mind's way of giving him comfort, protecting him so he didn’t have to face the reality of his death. He could still feel the ice of the lake water clinging to him and he began to shiver violently. Proof, in his eyes, that he was still down there.
Halt’s hands left his shoulders, and footsteps moved away. Leaving him alone. He didn’t want to be alone.
“Don’t go.” He choked out.
Halt was gone.
“I’ll be right back.” Halt’s voice came a second later. True to this, he returned with a warm blanket and draped it around Will, and then he was gone again. He came back with a glass of water.
“Drink this,” he instructed, but Will recoiled. The thought of taking a mouthful of water was enough to set him panicking again.
Halt sighed and set the water down on the little table between the chairs.
“Will, you need to breathe.” He said and took both of Will’s hands in his own. “In through the nose and out through the mouth.”
He repeated the phrase over and over as Will finally began to breathe. His racing heart slowed. The world came into focus. The biting cold of the night felt less severe and at last, he felt like the water had left his lungs.
“There you go.” Halt smiled. “Now drink some water, you’re probably dehydrated.”
Will did as he was told, but the water felt like ash in his mouth and he struggled to swallow it.
“Want to tell me what you were dreaming about?”
Will didn’t want to tell him, but he was already speaking before he could stop himself.
“I tried to kill myself by drowning in that lake.”
“What lake?”
And as Halt spoke, Will realised the lake had never been real. It was all just a part of the dream.
“Never mind.”
“Why do you think you’ve been dreaming about that?” Halt asked, and Will was silent. Over and over since he’d started having these thoughts, he’d thought about telling Halt. He always knew he needed help, and he so desperately wanted it. But fear had held him back. Would Halt be angry? Disappointed? Would he have Will removed from the Ranger Corps? Would this be the moment Halt finally gave up on him? The silence stretched, and Will felt the tension rising in his chest. He struggled to breathe through the anxiety.
“Because I wanted to do it in real life.” He couldn’t believe he’d finally said it, but now that he had, all he wanted to do was run and hide from whatever came next.
“You want to kill yourself?” Halt looked aghast, “Why would you want that?”
There was another long silence between them.
“Because I’m broken, Halt. And I’ll always be broken.”
“Don’t say that!”
“It’s the truth.” He wanted to shout, but it came out as a whisper.
“You need to give yourself time, Will. What you’ve been through would cripple most people, but you-”
“I am crippled, don’t you see? I want to die Halt. I’m just too cowardly to do it myself. I can’t even do it in a stupid dream!”
Those words hung between them.
Halt scooted his chair next to Will’s and wrapped his arms around him. For a long time, they sat like that, Will too scared to break the silence.
“You’re gonna be okay, Will.” Said Halt, at last. “Even if you don’t realise it just yet. And I’m always going to be here for you. No matter what. I won’t let you drown.”
Will just hung his head in his hands. “I just don’t see a way out of this,” he whispered.
“There’s always a way out.”